[vbn]

>> > > 1. The nice men are ugly.
>> > >
>> > > 2. The handsome men are not nice.
>> > >
>> > > 3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
>> > >
>> > > 4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
>> > >
>> > > 5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no
>>money.
>> > >
>> > > 6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with
>>money
>>think
>> > > we are only after their money.
>> > >
>> > > 7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
>> > >
>> > > 8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
>>heterosexual,
>> > > don't think we are beautiful enough.
>> > >
>> > > 9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
>>somewhat
>> > > nice and have money, are cowards.
>> > >
>> > > 10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have
>>some
>>money
>> > > and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE
>>FIRST
>> > > MOVE!!!!
>> > >
>> > > 11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
>>interest
>> > > in us
>> > > when we take the initiative.
>> > > ... NOW, WHO CAN POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MEN?
>> > >
>> > > Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
>>it's
>>our
>> > > job
>> > > to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature
>>into
>> > > something
>> > > you'd like to have dinner with.

 

[vbn]

The HSBC Bank is installing new "drive through" cash point machines.
Customer will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable users to use this new facility, the following procedures
have been drawn up;
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances
(ie.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the machine for the
first time.

Kent Customer Services,
Technology Division.


> > > DRIVE THROUGH PROCEDURES
> > >
> > > MALE PROCEDURE
> > > 1. Drive up to the cash machine
> > > 2. Wind down car window
> > > 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
> > > 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
> > > 5. Retrieve card, money and receipt
> > > 6. Wind up window
> > > 7. Drive off.
> > >
> > > FEMALE PROCEDURE
> > > 1. Drive up to the cash machine
> > > 2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
> > > 3. Re-start the stalled engine
> > > 4. Wind down the window
> > > 5. Find handbag, remove contents onto passenger seat to find card
> > > 6. Turn down radio
> > > 7. Attempt to insert card into machine
> > > 8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
> > > excessive distance from the car
> > > 9. Insert card
> > > 10. Retrieve rejected Sainsburys reward card
> > > 11. Insert HSBC card
> > > 12. Re-insert card correct way up
> > > 13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN on the inside back
> > > cover
> > > 14. Enter PIN
> > > 15. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
> > > 16. Enter amount of cash required
> > > 17. Check make-up in rear-view mirror
> > > 18. Retrieve cash and receipt
> > > 19. Empty handbag to locate purse
> > > 20. Place cash inside purse
> > > 21. Place receipt in back of cheque book
> > > 22. Re-check make-up
> > > 23. Drive forward 2 meters
> > > 24. Reverse back to cash machine
> > > 25. Retrieve card
> > > 26. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder and place card in slot
> > > provided
> > > 27. Re-start stalled engine
> > > 28. Drive for 2-3 miles
> > > 29. Release handbrake.

 

[Daniel]

I agree with #3

 

[vbn]

Drinker's Fault Finding Guide
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale
and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its
owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain
loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You're at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent
strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking
arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.


Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: PANIC!

 

[vbn]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small club in Manchester.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a
person's
hair have to do with her worth as a great human being? It's guys like
you
who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a
person...;Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name
of
humour!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologise, when the
blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that
little f**ker on your knee!"

 

[vbn]

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she
opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is
angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend
yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up stupid! You're
next."

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a
look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis
that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that
drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding 100 men were
fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused
to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

 

[vbn]

A man had great tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down,
another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest
sporting event , and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was
supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first
FA Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbour --
to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head.

"No. They're all at the funeral."

 

[vbn]

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented

the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took

him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"Well, then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the
American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs

and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with

my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have
a
few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."


The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!

You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra

fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With
the
extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third
one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly

with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then

leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even
New
York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American,
laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks

and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take siestas with

your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

 

[Izzy]

> > > 9. Insert card
> > > 10. Retrieve rejected Sainsburys reward card
> > > 11. Insert HSBC card
> > > 12. Re-insert card correct way up
> > > 13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN on the inside back
> > > cover
> > > 14. Enter PIN
> > > 15. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN

Why does this sound scarily familiar?

 

[Allie]

2. The handsome men are not nice.

>> > > 9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
>>somewhat
>> > > nice and have money, are cowards.
>> > >
>> > > 10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have
>>some
>>money
>> > > and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE
>>FIRST
>> > > MOVE!!!!
>> > >
>> > >

Okay 2 is false.....

9 is true lmao

10 is so true with my man

 

[mitchster]

LMAO! the cash machine drive-thru procedures are hilarious! That's one I haven't seen yet....

Although I am a male, and I've done steps 28-29 before...