[Chloe le Bopper]

...To borrrow a phrase from Sjengster.


The basic idea here, is to discuss the outcome of locker room brawls between the ATP players of your choice.

At the end of the "players you dislike" thread, you can find where this fascinating topic was born (I believe that TC brought it up, actually).

There are also many wonderful subtopics to this as well; who would be the toughest, who is the biggest sissy, who would be the meanest street fighter, who uses the most womanly tactics....

Now Sjengster, in the other thread you suggested that Lapentti might actually be a bit of a sissy. He does have a very gentle quality about him, but deep down I think that if you ticked him off enough that he might have a bit of fight in him afterall. I would have loved to have seen him and Roddick do a little less talking, and a little more shoving last year, but it wasn't meant to be.

 

[Sjengster]

I think that Lapentti would probably let himself be smacked around for ages, until he looked to be on the very brink of defeat, and then he'd spring into life and deal the knockout blow to an opponent who wasn't expecting such an amazing comeback.

Srichaphan would be interesting... I get the feeling that he'd be polite and charming, with a deceptive smile on his face while he was talking, but the moment someone challenged him he would turn into a man possessed... he likes kick-boxing, after all, and I think he would be hurling his enemy around the room with sharp blows and karate chops for good measure, all the while uttering those sharp grunts of exertion that we hear from him on court.

Kuerten too would be at first something of a pacifist, urging restraint from everyone in his calm and harmonious way, until someone like Hewitt started deliberately egging him on, working him up and calling him names; then all of a sudden Guga would snap, and backhand Hewitt across the room into the opposite wall, with a loud and satisfying cry of "Uh-waaaaayyyyy!"

 

[Chloe le Bopper]

I really can't see Guga fighting, but that would certaintly make for an entertaining senario.

I agree with your suggestion of Jiri as the bodyguard type and Koubek as one hell of a crapper (from the other thread). I would quite enjoy watching Hewitt and Koubek go at it. Koubek gets the upper hand with his blinding outfits...

At the masters cup I was watching Jiri vs Ferrero on television and one of the guys I live with looks at him and says "what a lopsided matchup, that isn't fair to the other guy at all!" referring to Jiri's size (lets just say that my friend doesn't watch much tennis). He referred to Jiri as "the Robot" for the rest of the match, and was astounded that Ferrero was able to beat a guy "so huge". Thanks to that, I can definately see him as the cold blooded, silent partner type.

Dent would likely not have to face much opposition as a fighter; his horrifying looks would be enough to fight off most of the competition on their own...

 

[Sjengster]

But what about the ultimate nightmare scenario.... Philippoussis vs Gonzalez? The entire room would be cleared while those two went at it in an explosion of raw power, enough to potentially annihilate both contenders. I still think Ferny would be able to yell the Scud into submission, though.

Roddick would make clumsy lunges and swing his fists carelessly towards Santoro, who would dive out of the way and then proceed to beat the crap out of him slowly, bit by bit, punch by small, restrained punch, all the while dancing around him and allowing the lolloping ape to tire. At the end Andy would collapse to the floor, yelling "God-DAMNIT!", while Santoro would stand above him, fists raised in triumph and a sly, knowing smile on his face.

 

[Chloe le Bopper]

Roddick would make clumsy lunges and swing his fists carelessly towards Santoro, who would dive out of the way and then proceed to beat the crap out of him slowly, bit by bit, punch by small, restrained punch, all the while dancing around him and allowing the lolloping ape to tire. At the end Andy would collapse to the floor, yelling "God-DAMNIT!", while Santoro would stand above him, fists raised in triumph and a sly, knowing smile on his face.

Ha! That's perfect. Your best yet!

Am I alone in wanting to see the Rochus borthers duke it out? Or how about pitting Olivier against that guy who is 6'10? I forget his name at the moment.

 

[Chloe le Bopper]

How tall is Clement? Surely he's really only about 5'6 or so. How about having a "midgets pool"?

 

[Chloe le Bopper]

Following the midget pool, could be the main event, the "schizophrenia special" between the three Gorans, and the many Marats.

Surely that would be just as frightening as Mark and Fernando?

 

[Sjengster]

Ivo Karlovic is the 6'10" Croatian, and I think he's played Olivier Rochus before and beaten him in two tiebreaks.

Yep, apparently Clement is 5'8", Grosjean 5'9" and Santoro 5'10", although to be honest he looks shorter than both of the first two. Would be funny seeing the French midgets trying to outsmart each other; Santoro would out-fox Grosjean and do everything that little bit cleverer than Seb, while Clement would frustrate Grosjean by running endlessly, soaking up all the pressure and variety of shot and throwing it back at him. Arnaud's guts and determination would make him the winner, I believe!

Rios v Arazi would certainly be a connoisseur's fight, with Rios eventually manoeuvring Arazi into a corner, ignoring all the trick punches he could pull and finishing him off with a series of knockout blows.

 

[Chloe le Bopper]

Battle of the Frenchmen, that would be a fun one to watch. I guess that Mattieu, Escude, and the now retired Pioline, would have to start their own, "freaks of nature" league. PMH strikes me as a bit of a whiner, and I believe that either of the other two would level him. Escude, fitting with his role as the "comeback kid" would get soundly beaten by Pioline, before bouncing back from flat on his back and levelling his opponent with a perfectly excecuted scissor kick!

 

[Chloe le Bopper]

How about the Battle of the Spaniards? Focussing just on the top 4, I'd have to go with Alex Corretja, who could surprise everybody with his blinding rage towards his three compatiots. Years of surpressed anger from being soundly beaten at Roland Garros by Moya, Ferrero and Costa would be unleashed in dramatic fashion, as he savagely disfigures them one after the other

 

[Sjengster]

Mathieu would start out smacking Pioline all over the place, his frantic (and irritating) squealing showing his determination. But the veteran Cedric would take all the punishment, get up every time, and eventually poor Paulo would throw away that huge lead of his and collapse in the final round. Pioline, who wouldn't change his expression during the whole match, will struggle past the finishing post.

What about Haas vs Costa? I can imagine Tommy chasing Albert around the room in a fit of righteous fury, yelling "Come here and take your beating, Spanish sweinhund!" Costa meanwhile would try to evade his clutches, but would eventually be chased down and pummelled by Haas, all the while bawling "Nooooooooo!"

 

[Chloe le Bopper]

What about Haas vs Costa? I can imagine Tommy chasing Albert around the room in a fit of righteous fury, yelling "Come here and take your beating, Spanish sweinhund!" Costa meanwhile would try to evade his clutches, but would eventually be chased down and pummelled by Haas, all the while bawling "Nooooooooo!"

Isn't the "noooo" more of a Corretja-ism? Regardless, I imagine that the senario would play out roughly how you suggested.

How about revisting Costa-Henman from the previous thread? As I said, I believe that Henman would be a bit of a pansy, but he might engage in biting and other catty tactics, that would make life far more difficult for Costa, who had expected to have things over and done with within the half hour.

Something about Henman just screams "rat-like", which is why I insist that he is a biter, and likely even a scratcher. Have we any relatives for him on tour?

 

[Sjengster]

Ah, the Spaniards all have "No"s, Moya for example has a good short bark, but only Costa can engage in the long, soulful, drawn-out "Noooooooooo!" that makes it sound as though the world has come to an end when he makes an error. Heck, the Shanghai crowd even jokingly imitated him at the Masters Cup when he did it.

I can imagine Gambill, for all his manly physique, resorting to girlish tactics to try and get his way, including hissing and spitting at his opponent by screwing his eyes up in that vicious way he did when he beat Moya at the USO last year. And why "rat-like" for Henman? He always strikes me as more like a horse, or possibly a ferret of some kind.

 

[Chloe le Bopper]

Why rat like? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's his teeth He definately isn't horse like, at least not when you put him beside Chela. Which leads me to the next topic:

Battle of the Argies!

I have to go with the energizer bunny, Canas, to win this one. No matter who he faces, how long each fight rages on, he'll still find a way to keep coming back, looking as fresh as a young pup.

Gaudio would follow in the tradition of PMH, although he would acquire and lose the lead several times before the fight finally concluded, with him collapsed on the ground, choking for air.

David seems to have a mean streak in him, but I don't think that would be enough to outlast Canas. David would play a couple good rounds, then bow out in pathetic fashion the last couple.

Chela, with his horse features, might be good enough to take out Gaudio, but something about him screams "whiner" to me. Perhaps it's the agonized look that he always seems to have on his face.

Coria is my pick to make the finals with Canas. Something about him makes me think "bull dog".

 

[Ace Tracker]

are you guys done with the hormonal rage yet?

The most feared player on the Tour has to be Kafelnikov, if only for his "shady" friends and connections...

Also, can you imagine yourself on the opposite side of an enraged Max Mirnyi?

One of the players mentioned before by Rebecca, has actually had a well documented physical altercation against a fellow player and coach, where he didn't fare that badly if I am not mistaken (even though he broke his finger due to a well placed punch, I think...) ... Any guesses?

 

[Sjengster]

Hmm, the battle of the Guillermo C.s... I think Coria would come through that actually, he would eventually wear even Canas down and stand triumphant, the shortest Argentine but also the hardest, toughest cookie to stop.

What about the Russian Knockout?

Kafelnikov starts out brightly throwing a succession of crisp shots at Youzhny, who parries, defends, and hurls them back at him with interest, eventually stunning Yevgeny into submission. Then Mikhail tries the same tactic against Safin, but Safin simply stands impassively absorbing all Youzhny's comparatively feeble blows, barely flinching, but then every few seconds launching a huge slamming punch of his own that knocks his opponent senseless.

Safin seems to triumph and declares himself undisputed winner, but in his carelessness he doesn't finish Youzhny off, and him and Kafelnikov combine to defeat Safin, permanently crippling poor Marat. The jubilant Kafelnikov declares that now, Tarpischev will HAVE to respect his wishes on the Davis Cup team - otherwise the other Russians get it too...

 

[Chloe le Bopper]

I haven't heard of the incident, but I'll throw out a guess from the 20 or so players that I mentioned. Goran?

 

[Sjengster]

I'll bet its Koubek, personally...

And somehow, I can only imagine Mirnyi as a gentle giant - I've heard him in an interview and he speaks perfect, softly-worded English and is very polite.

 

[proteus]

... And somehow, I can only imagine Mirnyi as a gentle giant - I've heard him in an interview and he speaks perfect, softly-worded English and is very polite.

"Speak softly and carry a big ... stick"

 

[Sjengster]

Theodore Roosevelt, correct?