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Discussion Starter #1
I was reading that for example, in America, relationships and marriages where there are a child or children from a previous relationship or marriage, have the highest seperation rate. In other words, the divorce rate for blended families is 60% vs 50% for traditional families, somewhere in that vicinity.

The reasons of course are pretty clear, more stress, baby daddy drama, having to deal with the ex always being in your life (and knowing they probably want your partner back), not knowing or overstepping boundaries in regards to discipline etc. Financial issues and of course the difficulty of growing an attachment to a child and seeing it as your own even though he or she isn't, when if you break up 5,10 or even 15 years later it would all be taken from you. Seeing the childs real mother or father constantly let them down yet they go back for more, where as you might try your best and they reject you. Pouring money into the child for 18 years and doing as much of the daddy or mommy work as either partner, yet at the end probably having little acknowledgement etc. Never being put first and so on. It must be a hell of a lot of stress, especially for those who do it from day one or from the age of a toddler.

Working hard to put food on the table for a child that biologically isn't yours must be hard. Scratch that, it IS hard.

It's a relationship that basically I am in right now, and although we certainly have other issues, they all at the end of the day stem back to the child.

The hardest thing is knowing that, as stressfull as any family is, the tradtional family is 10X simpler, and it's hard knowing there are probably times when your partner is tempted to go back to the biological parent, even if the relationship is toxic, just for the kids sake.

Just disclaimer, I really do love my step daughter, even though it's too early to see her that way. I love spending time the three of us, I really do. But I am starting to see the child as baggage, because of the simply fact that MY relationship with the child is not being prioritised. It's a well known fact the later you come in, the more likelyhood there is of you being rejected. I worry every day that when or if that day comes, I will be kicked to the curb because she has to put the child first. Not that I wouldn't understand, except it's hardly fair for me to wait around for years. I have no children of my own. I think in many ways it's harder dating someone with children if you don't have any.

It's such a one sided relationship.

Any advice or tips? I know it can work. Of course it can. But the odds are against me.
 

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Advice Tip #1 - Don't have kids.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Advice Tip #1 - Don't have kids.
That may be my destiny, my girlfriend has made it quite clear she doesn't want any more any time soon, but as a male, the issue is often out of your hands.
 

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That may be my destiny, my girlfriend has made it quite clear she doesn't want any more any time soon, but as a male, the issue is often out of your hands.
Maybe you're not being alpha enough. Assert your authority m8.
 

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Didn't you ask for advice about this already?
 

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That may be my destiny, my girlfriend has made it quite clear she doesn't want any more any time soon, but as a male, the issue is often out of your hands.
:confused:

If the woman is not your wife, the girl is not your step-daughter. I don't see a problem here. Yet.

Now, if you decide to marry this woman, you should seriously consider if you want to adopt the child. I know, it may be legally impossible if her father won't relinquish his parental rights, but you have to honestly ask yourself-- would you adopt this child if that was possible? If you would, then go ahead with marriage and life in the family and deal with all the issues as a real man.

That's exactly the reason why I never even considered a marriage until my daughter is an adult and leaves the house. I don't trust men :eek:
 

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Discussion Starter #7
:confused:

If the woman is not your wife, the girl is not your step-daughter. I don't see a problem here. Yet.

Now, if you decide to marry this woman, you should seriously consider if you want to adopt the child. I know, it may be legally impossible if her father won't relinquish his parental rights, but you have to honestly ask yourself-- would you adopt this child if that was possible? If you would, then go ahead with marriage and life in the family and deal with all the issues as a real man.

That's exactly the reason why I never even considered a marriage until my daughter is an adult and leaves the house. I don't trust men :eek:
I don't think being married is the parameter. Usually once you move in together and have been together a reasonable amount of time most people would refer to you as a step parent. I'm certainly not there yet, but always thinking towards grooming and molding myself toward that. I mean thats the future.

It's just frustrating when you accept that the woman and her child come as a package, yet the woman still sees the three entities separately. You would think they would want their partner to embrace being a parent (to an extent), and she did initially, but shes really pulled back lately. The child is not old enough to understand a family dynamic, she simply sees mum, dad (with a little initial confusion as to who dad was), and me.

Adoption not possible, not for a long while at least. Or ever. Thats actually a step too far, too hard on the childs dad. It's already hard enough convincing him I am not trying to steal everything from him.

Adoption wouldnt make any difference to anything, a piece of paper just like marriage.
 

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If you really love this woman, then you will try to make it work.

If the child is baggage as you say, then maybe break up if your lady's ex and the girl's father is such an influence.
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
Maybe you're not being alpha enough. Assert your authority m8.
I agree I let her get away with too much, but it's never that simple. She was in an abusive relationship for years, got married and had a child at 21 and has a LOT of baggage as a result.

I know it's no excuse for not putting in the required respect that the new relationship requires, but when it comes to issues like children, I do have to cut her some slack.

Her childs father was/is useless from day one, has never been anything, so she has had to literally do everything for 3 years. She would do well to rememeber though that second time around it would be a lot easier as I would actually pull my weight, as would my family network. I try not to judge unless I have walked in the persons shoes. Being a solo mother is incredibly tough.

Theres a time to be alpha and a time to cut slack.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
If you really love this woman, then you will try to make it work.

If the child is baggage as you say, then maybe break up if your lady's ex and the girl's father is such an influence.
I don't see the child as baggage per se, it's not the nuisance or limitations of a child being around all the time that is the baggage in this situation, it's more the fact that as the child is a toddler who naturally wants her father, the EX is not only going to be around a lot for the foreseeable, but be pandered to because regrettably, the child has severe separation issues with her mother, and the dad just isn't ready to have her stay at his for nights at this point, which means of course whenever he has to see his daughter, he has to see her. And thus, it severely limits our available quality time together, and of course it's completely unknown how long this will go on for.

I try as hard as I can, but it's difficult because it's so one sided. She simply cannot put as much in as I can, naturally. But I think she needs to try harder. I never expect to be put first ahead of her child. But sometimes it feels like i'm being put 4th or 5th. I must be at least a priority if we are to work and not just fizzle out, especially as the honeymoon period is also over.
 

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I don't see the child as baggage per se, it's not the nuisance or limitations of a child being around all the time that is the baggage in this situation, it's more the fact that as the child is a toddler who naturally wants her father, the EX is not only going to be around a lot for the foreseeable, but be pandered to because regrettably, the child has severe separation issues with her mother, and the dad just isn't ready to have her stay at his for nights at this point, which means of course whenever he has to see his daughter, he has to see her. And thus, it severely limits our available quality time together, and of course it's completely unknown how long this will go on for.

I try as hard as I can, but it's difficult because it's so one sided. She simply cannot put as much in as I can, naturally. But I think she needs to try harder. I never expect to be put first ahead of her child. But sometimes it feels like i'm being put 4th or 5th. I must be at least a priority if we are to work and not just fizzle out, especially as the honeymoon period is also over.
All I'm saying is consider breaking up with her. Just consider it, you may or may not do it, just think about it
 

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Discussion Starter #12
All I'm saying is consider breaking up with her. Just consider it, you may or may not do it, just think about it
Sadly I have been. Though I think she might do it too. It's my birthday in a few days and shes hardly going to do it on that day, but she might be waiting to.

The worst part about it is theres no one that can really give me the magic answer or that I can talk to about it. I know posting on a forum is unlikely to help but there aren't many blended families in my family or social circle.

I love her a lot and I want to make it work. But I feel like i'm waiting for a day that will never come.
 

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Stupid question maybe, but have you talked about this with your girlfriend? Maybe the both of you are eating yourselves up and all you need to do is talk about it. I've been in your situation, and at some point I felt that she protected her kid from me aswell, basically shutting me out. We've had a good talk about that, and were both way more capable of realizing how the relationship felt for the other.

You're in a relationship together, so you need to solve problems together.
 

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Just disclaimer, I really do love my step daughter, even though it's too early to see her that way. I love spending time the three of us, I really do. But I am starting to see the child as baggage, because of the simply fact that MY relationship with the child is not being prioritised. It's a well known fact the later you come in, the more likelyhood there is of you being rejected. I worry every day that when or if that day comes, I will be kicked to the curb because she has to put the child first. Not that I wouldn't understand, except it's hardly fair for me to wait around for years. I have no children of my own. I think in many ways it's harder dating someone with children if you don't have any.

It's such a one sided relationship.

Any advice or tips? I know it can work. Of course it can. But the odds are against me.
Well, seems you're already doing what you can, so there's no special advice other than to hope it works out. Although you can't really complain it's not fair, it's not like you didn't know what you're getting into, it is what it is.
 
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