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New ATP, WTA, ITF Rules Show Surprises


A Daily Tennis Exclusive! Our intrepid staffers have been trying for months to get our hands on the new ATP and WTA rules to be implemented in 2009 and beyond. Security around these new rules was so tight that one infiltrator literally had to go undercover for months. "Yeah, it was rough," one confessed. "For three weeks, I lived mostly on the pop I scrounged from half-empty Pepsi cans. It was a treat when someone left a half-finished doughnut, I'll tell you. It was almost impossible to get out -- there were guards at every door armed with quick-firing ball machines."
He finally escaped, using a trick: He asked the guards to help him divide four by two. Since an informal ATP rule forbids any person working from them from having a working grasp of mathematics, that stumped the security people for long enough for our intrepid mole to sneak out, bringing a copy of the astonishing list of ATP rules changes dated April 1, 2008. It turned out to contain some information on proposed WTA and ITF rule changes as well. We've summarized the rules changes below as best we can.
  • In the ongoing quest to promote Davis and Fed Cups, players will now earn special Davis Cup points for each tie for which they volunteer. Once players earn three points, they can trade them in for a two-minute on-court conference with their coaches, fitness trainers, and other entourage members during a match of their choice.
  • To promote fan interest, an internet poll will be conducted each week to let fans vote a player off the circuit. The player with the most votes will be prohibited from playing the next week's events. To balance this, players will be allowed to vote a special wildcard: Tournament organizers can name three to five candidates, and the player the fans select gets a wildcard.
  • In a partial return to Court Tennis ("Real Tennis," "Royal Tennis"), a special spot will be set up on each side of the net. If a player can hit the ball into the bullseye, he wins the point.
  • A new format will be introduced, the "Square Seagull." The purpose is to prevent tanking. In this, players are organized into groups of two. The two then play each other repeatedly until the higher-ranked player wins a match, gosh darn it! No more losing the top seed player in the first round! The winner of the group (who will, of course, always be the higher-ranked player) then goes on to the next Square Seagull round, where two players again play each other until the higher-ranked player wins. The winner of the second Square Seagull round then proceeds to the quarterfinal, which is played according to regular single-elimination rules.
  • Because fans like Player Challenges, the whole challenge system will be extended: Any person in the stands will be allowed to challenge a call. If the replay shows the fan is wrong, he or she will be asked to leave the stadium. No refunds will be allowed. If the fan is right, he will be allowed to pour a cold beverage over the linesperson's head.
  • Fans have long complained that names like "Masters Series," "Championship Series," "Tier I" are confusing. To eliminate the confusion, and the problem of remembering which cities tournaments are played in, all tournaments will be referred to by code name. The Australian Open, for instance, is reported to be HGYN. Sydney, the week before, is JGJH. 2010 will feature two new events, conveniently designated TVGJ and OGRV. (Get your tickets now! Once you've bought them, we'll tell you where they're being played!) For a fee, tournament sponsors will be allowed to use their stock ticker symbols as the tournament code names.
  • Because anecdotal evidence indicates that most fans dislike long clay rallies, players will be forced to play with a special rope around their waists. Once a point has lasted ten strokes, both players will be forcibly yanked to the net, and a barrier will arise so they cannot retreat back across the service line until the point is over.
  • Recent scientific studies have shown conclusively that, if you place a higher value on a product, it will be seen as "better," whether in fact it is superior or not. One researcher explained it this way: "If you make a pastry, and you can't sell it when fresh for $3.95, wait until it's a day old and mark it up to $8.95. Sure, it's stale, but it costs a lot, so it must be good."
    ATP plans already called for increasing the points awarded for the Slams from 1000 to 2000, adjusting the values of other events as well so that the ratios of the values of events would be effectively the same. In other words, they were making everyone's point totals higher without actually doing anything to change who is ranked where.
    In light of the new findings, the ATP plans to continue doubling the values of all events every year: There will be 4000 point Slams in 2010, 8000 point Slams in 2011, 16000 point Slams in 2012, and so forth. A task force is already soliciting bids to construct the special computer needed to calculate the rankings once the Slams achieve 4294967296000 point status in 2041.
  • In 2009, the event at Dubai will become a member of the new class of "Premier Mandatory" events. These are considered a brilliant marketing success. A task force has therefore concluded that the best way to promote events is to have the seats mostly empty and to broadcast the matches at a time when the vast majority of people are asleep or at work and unable to watch.
    To ensure that more events conform to this format, the ATP is planning to host a new event in 2010 on Kergeuelen Island in the South Indian Ocean. Matches are scheduled to run from 1:00 a.m. Eastern Standard Time to 7:00 a.m. EST. Since the island had no inhabitants except for a few flag-showers, there will be no need for stands or parking space or transit, keeping expenses low. If this fails to boost the popularity of tennis, Greenland, Siberia, the Sahara Desert, and Antarctica are also being allotted tentative places in future schedules. The unfortunate lack of population at most of these events means that few professional linespeople will be available, but plans are already underway to try to train penguins to do the job.
  • Because television stations so dislike matches which run long, a new tiebreak rule will be implemented. All matches will be held to less than two hours by Emergency Tiebreak if necessary. The ET takes place at one hour and fifty minutes into the match. Once that time is reached, play is immediately halted for the Emergency Tiebreak: One point. The player who is leading gets to serve. Whoever wins the point wins the match. To assure maximum effort by both players on that point, whichever player loses it will be executed at dawn the next day.
  • Market Research also shows that fans prefer finals involving top players. As a result, at any final in which neither player is Top Ten, the #1 and #2 players will be flown in to play the final instead of the two players scheduled. If there are two such events in a week, the #1 player will be allocated the event with more prize money, and the #2 to the event with less prize money. Each will then play against himself, running from one side of the net to the other as the point progresses.
  • Since rules banning injuries have proved only marginally effective so far, enforcement will be made more strict: Any player who reports an injury will be banned for a year. Players who retire from a match will be banned for six months if they retire in the first set, four if they retire in the second set. Retiring from the final set earns a two month ban.
  • In an attempt to lure NASCAR fans, all players will be transported onto the court using low-mileage vehicles with special smog-emitting engines. (Stadiums will have until 2012 to install the "gas-guzzler entrance.") Fans can also request a special "smog bag" full of the smell of improperly burned fuel.
  • Doubles will be changed to "no-game scoring." They will just go straight to the Match Tiebreak. Singles players who lose their first round matches will be automatically be enrolled in the doubles draw.
  • The ATP will contribute to science projects working on cloning, to try to create more teams of twins for doubles. Until this succeeds, male players will be required to wear wigs and elevator shoes to fool fans into thinking they are long-lost siblings.
  • Male players do not have supermodels in their players' boxes will be fined 25% of their pay until they find some bimbo that the cameras can point at during changeovers. Following a suggestion by Andy Roddick, the ATP is compiling a list of photos of models for male players to try to pick up. Also following Roddick's suggestion, they include no biographical information except age (must be under 21) and IQ (must be under 85).
  • Female players will be required to spend the off season having cosmetic surgery to make them resemble Maria Sharapova as much as possible.
  • In light of the recent gambling scandals, players below the Top Ten will no longer be paid prize money. Instead, they will be required to take a weekly vow of poverty and be given begging bowls from which they can solicit food from the spectators after their matches.
  • Since some fans have questioned the seriousness of the ATP and WTA drug testing regime, the Tours have agreed to randomly shoot one Top Ten player full of steroids every eight weeks. Given the current rate of drug testing, it is estimated that this will produce one positive steroid test for a top WTA or ATP player every 19 months. The player will then be banned for life. A team of ATP spiritualists is attempting to contact demons to make sure that the players don't sneak out of their punishments and go to Heaven when they die. Mere innocence is no excuse!
    Since, in a 19 month period, the Tours can expect between 25 and 30 male and female players to spend time in the Top Ten, the number of players falsely accused will not exceed 4% of those who have been Top Ten at some time in this period. Clearly it is to the benefit of the 96% who are not accused to have this rule implemented.
    Thirteen drug testing laboratories and WADA have already contributed over $17 million to pay legal fees and provide hush money to the suspended players.
Before you write to us, please note the date stamp on these alleged rules were circulated. Any resemblance to actual plans of the ATP, WTA, and ITF is purely coincidental and based solely on our ability to mess with our own minds.
 

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New ATP, WTA, ITF Rules Show Surprises

Because fans like Player Challenges, the whole challenge system will be extended: Any person in the stands will be allowed to challenge a call. If the replay shows the fan is wrong, he or she will be asked to leave the stadium. No refunds will be allowed. If the fan is right, he will be allowed to pour a cold beverage over the linesperson's head.
:haha::haha::haha:
 

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Some real fun, some not so much.

Female players will be required to spend the off season having cosmetic surgery to make them resemble Maria Sharapova as much as possible
I like this idea, but for bodies only. For facial reference, use Kirilenko or Hantuchova as model.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
my personal fav is the Square Seagull

how he didnt think of it before the RR fiasco we'll never know
 

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:haha:

it took me 3 items to realize it was a joke :tape:

:eek: it is really early and you can never know when talking about mr disney :haha:
 

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Because anecdotal evidence indicates that most fans dislike long clay rallies, players will be forced to play with a special rope around their waists. Once a point has lasted ten strokes, both players will be forcibly yanked to the net, and a barrier will arise so they cannot retreat back across the service line until the point is over

:worship:
 

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:haha: :worship:
 

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:haha:

it took me 3 items to realize it was a joke :tape:

:eek: it is really early and you can never know when talking about mr disney :haha:
:haha: indeed. Hopefully Mr. Disney doesn't lurk around over here... :tape:
 

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This should be e-mailed to all ATP players. :lol:
 

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To promote fan interest, an internet poll will be conducted each week to let fans vote a player off the circuit. The player with the most votes will be prohibited from playing the next week's events. To balance this, players will be allowed to vote a special wildcard: Tournament organizers can name three to five candidates, and the player the fans select gets a wildcard.


Pathetic. ^
 
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