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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
the Bladder is the source of some of the funniest tennis articles. it's all meant to be tongue-in-cheek good fun so if your fave gets parodied, try not to get your knickers in a twist about it. :) ;)

here's their latest offerings. do feel free to update or post old Bladder pieces that had you in stitches. :p


SCUD ADMITS WIMBLEDON TACTICS FLAWED
date: Wednesday 2 July 2003

Mark Philippoussis has admitted that, in hindsight, his tactic of carrying motivational messages on his fingers may have backfired in the Wimbledon final.

The Scud was beaten 7-6, 6-2, 7-6 by rising Swiss star Roger Federer.

A dejected Philippoussis admitted that having tape on the index finger of his left hand, with the words: "He's much better than you" may not have worked.

The message was written in Greek, as was another on his ring finger, saying: "You have no right to be in the final".

Both may have been a mistake, the Melbourne player conceded.

Philippoussis said he would also no longer write messages on the back of his hand. In Sunday's ill-fated final, his hand hosted the reminder note: "Try not to think about the fact that if your first serve fails, you're completely rooted".

"I think you're always learning in tennis," Philippoussis told thebladder.com. "Maybe next time I'll go for something a little more positive, perhaps something along the lines of: 'Just because Federer beat you before, you still have an outside chance of doing better today.' Something like that ..."
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TENNIS
Philippoussis fan's conversation plucked straight from official guide
by STAFF REPORTERS

Brian Glennie's apparently in-depth knowledge of his idol Mark Philippoussis has been lifted wholesale from this year's official ATP guide, friends of the Adelaide man report.

Glennie became a vocal supporter of Philippoussis during this month's Wimbledon tournament, shortly after the Australian's fourth-round win over Andre Agassi. Associates say they were surprised to find Glennie's conversation suddenly peppered with informed references and little-known facts about Philippoussis' career.

"I've known Brian for six or seven years, and I think in all of that time he might have mentioned tennis twice," colleague Ian Merris told the Bladder. "And even those were poorly-considered Damir Dokic impersonations, as I recall. So I was as shocked as anybody when Brian showed up for work last Tuesday spouting all this stuff about the Scud's early career."

Merris said Glennie reeled off a long series of Philippoussis facts, including that the Scud got his start playing doubles with Ben Elwood, his father Nick was a soccer goalkeeper, and that he made the third round of the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta.

"He'd throw these things casually into conversation," Merris said. "Like, 'Yeah, this is shaping as a pretty big year for the Scud, or 'Flip' as he likes to be known. But no bigger than his second year on the tour, in 1995, when he jumped from 307 to No32 in the world.'

"I mean, who knows - or cares - about that sort of stuff?"

Merris said he suspected the information had come from an official source when Glennie began reeling off statistics from the 2000 season, including Philippoussis' 5-3 grasscourt record of that year, and his 28-12 record on hardcourts. His suspicions were confirmed when he found a 2001 Official ATP Guide lying in Glennie's top drawer.

"I flicked quickly to the page on Philippoussis, and there it all was," Merris said. "The date of birth, the career prizemoney, the fact that the Scud was once a friend of Julio Iglesias Jr.

"Given that Wimbledon is over, I'm not going to confront Brian about anything now," Merris added. "But if Scott Draper wins a few matches at Flushing Meadows and Brian starts telling us about Scott's fourth-round appearance at the 1995 French Open, then God help him."

:) :D :)
 

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hehe thanks thats such a cool site...hey its even got afl on it! :)
 

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ESPN to Air Sampras Retirement Ceremony In Lieu of Early American Losses
By TF


Filed at 5:43 p.m. ET

NEW YORK (TF)-Pete Sampras will retire in a special ceremony on Monday at the US Open, and ESPN plans to air it live.

"Sampras is the King, and we want a front row seat to his limitless accomplishments," said a highranking ESPN official.

The ceremony with kick-off "Sampras Week" on ESPN, 24 hours of Sampras, including replays of all of his 14 Grands Slam final wins, interviews, player footage and a live special with Sampras called "Off the Courts" which will go behind the scenes to look at Sampras with his wife and new child.

ESPN said it still plans to give its audience plenty of US Open coverage.

"All of the matches featuring Andy Roddick and Andre Agassi will be featured live, and we will have a special half hour highlight show of interesting matches at 6pm every night. James Blake and Mardy Fish fans, hold tight."

Even more, ESPN says that in the event that Roddick and Agassi lose early, they will reair the ceremony for any of those who missed it.

"No one can ever get enough of Sampras. He transcended the sport with his powerful serve and endearing personality."
---

Asked whether that other American, Michael Chang, who who will be retiring after this year's US Open, will also receive a farewell ceremony, a USTA official said curtly, "Did Chang ever win 14 Grands Slams? He should have retired last year, like Sampras."

:devil:
 

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psychotic banana
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ouch!
 

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SammySammySammy OiOiOi
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Edition 156 - Totally acceptable
Friday, August 22, 2003

Hewitt and She-Hewitt in cunning US Open plan
by STAFF REPORTERS


Former world No. 1 Lleyton Hewitt and his girlfriend, reigning women’s No. 1 Kim Clijsters, have hatched a cunning plan to restore Lleyton to the top of the men’s tennis rankings at this week’s US Open.

The pair plan to swap for strategic matches, so that both hold the silverware in a fortnight.

“It’s a simple but brilliant plan,” said an insider from the Hewitt/Clijsters camp. “In fact, it’s brilliant in its simplicity.

“Basically Kim will swap with Lleyton, and play the men’s event, while he takes on the women. We’re hoping that his crap recent form won’t be so bad that he can’t make it to at least the semis where Kim could step back in. We were worried about Serena but she’s out with a dodgy knee. If Lleyton falls to Lindsay Davenport, well … it all goes to hell.”

Clijsters is confident of making it all the way against a men’s field that includes the usual faceless Spaniards and a few unheard of northern Europeans. “One you get past Agassi, Roddick and Federer, there’s nothing there to scare her,” the insider said.

“The beauty of it it is that the pair look so identical that nobody will ever know. It might be that after winning the men’s final, Kim ducks off ‘to the toilet’ and the real Lleyton emerges to lift the silverware, but we’ll sort out those details later.

“Kim can play two finals in two days,” thebladder.com's source said. “The only tricky part of the whole tournament is how she’s going to play both roles in the mixed doubles.”
 

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“The beauty of it it is that the pair look so identical that nobody will ever know. It might be that after winning the men’s final, Kim ducks off ‘to the toilet’ and the real Lleyton emerges to lift the silverware, but we’ll sort out those details later.

LOL :D
Thanks for the articles posted above!
 

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I like both Andy and Lleyton, but I thought this one was funny........... although the overall rating was only "mildly funny" :)

TENNIS
Hewitt and Roddick - a Match Made in Heaven
By fleet st
Saturday, January 25, 2003

It’s lonely at the top and never more so than in the sport of tennis. Unlike team sports where players are able to feel a strong sense of camaraderie, today’s singles focussed players often find the only time they get to see their fellow players is when they stand on the other side of the net.

With all the pressure to win, players find little joy unless they are the ones holding up the silverware. Irrespective of the outcome however, Lleyton Hewitt and Andy Roddick will remember this Australian Open as a very special one. While much has been made of the Hewitt/Clijsters partnership, Hewitt and Roddick have been growing as close friends off the court away from the glare of media lights.

‘Andy’s a great bloke. Me and him have a lot in common,’ says Hewitt sheepishly as we sit in a Lygon St Café, ‘the reason we get along is that we have so much in common. We’re both young, we like tennis, we’re both right-handed, we both have double-handed backhands and we like to abuse umpires.’ The pair share a smile as Roddick is quick to concur, ‘you got that right pal.’

Their burgeoning friendship began in the most unlikeliest of places – the staid formality of Wimbledon. Meeting in the quarter finals, they were 30-30 at a crucial juncture in the game when the ball landed precariously close to the lines. Roddick exploded, berating the poor linesman who had the temerity to call the ball out. When the chair umpire overruled, Hewitt in turn shouted a few choice words of his own. The discussion soon became three-way as Roddick hotly disputed Hewitt’s perception of the lines. While on the surface things appeared heated behind the scenes a mutual respect was growing between the two . They laugh as they recall that day.

‘No, it was all in good fun. The linesmen weren’t happy, the chair ump wasn’t happy, the crowd nor the commentators were happy, but we were,’ reminisces Roddick. ‘It was in that moment that I knew I’d perhaps found a sympathetic friend on the tour, someone with a common interest. No one on the tour likes a bad call but we are among the few who are prepared to speak out against it.’

The next time they met in the 3rd round of the US there was a definite connection but it wasn’t until this year at Melbourne Park that the friendship really took off. ‘After seeing Roddick’s performance in this year’s quarters I was filled with admiration for the man. Things were tough but he stuck to his guns and gave the umps plenty. I doubt I’d be able to top him. Calling the ump ‘spineless’, that took class. As you Americans might say, Andy Roddick is “the man”’ says Hewitt. Clearly embarrassed by such high praise, Roddick is quick to retort as the interview soon develops into an almost farcical mutual admiration session. ‘No, you da man!’ Roddick says smilingly ‘the way he intimidates and linesmen and tells them how to do their jobs, you just can’t coach that sort of thing.’

In a short space of time, Roddick and Hewitt have become the best of friends. Their story is a refreshing one in this cutthroat, winner-take-all era. After Hewitt fulfils his Davis Cup obligations the pair plan to meet up and discuss ways of antagonising officials over a beer. When asked if anything will come between them, Roddick is emphatic in his response. Putting on his best (or some might say worst) Australian accent, Roddick bellows ‘No, we’ll be mates forever.’ The pair are even considering forming a doubles team. Look out umpires!

Long after this year’s runner-up has been forgotten, Hewitt and Roddick will be teaching us valuable lessons about the game and life itself – it’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game and the friends you make along the way.
 

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And this is a good one about the talking heads of tennis... focusing on the great talking cake -- Newk.

TENNIS
Return Just As Important As Serve: Newcombe
By Mr Floppy
Saturday, July 06, 2002

Outspoken Australian tennis great John Newcombe last week confirmed his status as one of the game’s foremost thinkers when he theorised that the return of serve is every bit as important as the serve.

Newcombe proposed his controversial thesis during his insightful commentary on Friday’s Wimbledon mens’ semi-final between Lleyton Hewitt and Tim Henman.

“People keep talking about how Lleyton can’t win Wimbledon from the baseline, that you have to be a serve volleyer to succeed here,” said Newcombe. “But let me tell you, in this game the return is every bit as important as the serve, and it’s with his return that Lleyton can win the title, never mind his baseline service game style.”

The theory is set to turn the world of tennis on its head if it gains wide acceptance, with some keen followers of the game suggesting that it may even result in players adopting the tactic of attempting to return serve sufficiently well so as to break an opponent’s serve.

Typical of the players’ reaction was that of Australian player Mark Philippousis. “Wait a minute,” said a typically confused Philippousis, “If I’ve got this right, Newc’s saying that I should try just as hard on my returns as I do on my serve? They’re as important as each other? Well why didn’t he say so before now?”

Newcombe’s comments also had an immediate impact upon the knowledgeable fans at centre court, sparking an animated debate. “Come on Tim,” said one. “Come on Lley – Lley,” countered another, with the latter comment being greeted by the general crowd hilarity that we have come to expect following such typical tennis fan witticisms.

In other groundbreaking tennis philosophy coming from last week’s commentary, Tony Trabert has suggested that some players may seek to “go for the big first serve” when down a break point.
 

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TENNIS
Hewitt's love match in jeopardy
by STAFF REPORTERS


Kim Clijsters' parents have banned Lleyton Hewitt from their Belgian residence after a recent brunch with the Aussie tennis ace turned into a "four hour nightmare."

Mr. and Mrs. Clijsters were reported to have been very happy with their daughter Kim's relationship with the Hewitt, until the morning he offered to "whip up a late brekky for everyone."

"He decided to start with some soft-boiled eggs," said Mr. Clijsters. "Which was fine by us. But two seconds after he'd dropped the eggs in the water, he put his face into the saucepan and started screaming, 'C'mon! C'mon!' I told him to ease up a bit, but he told me to get the hell out of the kitchen. It was an awful business. Every time one of the eggs bobbled to the surface of the boiling water, he'd give it an awful spray."

Mrs. Clijsters found the ordeal one of her worst ever breakfast experiences. "He should have just let the eggs alone," she said. "It would only have taken three minutes."

Hewitt lost patience and grabbed the eggs out of the water after only forty seconds.

"Watching him hold onto those scalding hot eggs, running round and round the kitchen, shouting, pumping his fists, going red in the face - I couldn't help wondering if this was the right boy for my Kimmy," said Mrs. Clijsters.

After berating the toaster for ineptness, Hewitt placed the eggs on the middle shelf of the Clijsters' oven. He set the temperature to the maximum of 400 C.

"That really frightened me," said Mrs. Clijsters. "To watch him with his head in an overheating oven, screaming 'C'mon!' at half a dozen eggs - it was worse than the night the fox got into the hen-house. I thought it would ever end."

Kim Clijsters defended her intense boyfriends antics, claiming her mum and dad just didn't understand him, and that Lleyton's behaviour was simply part of the way he cooked his eggs.

However, even Kim's loyalty was tested after Lleyton raced off with the eggs and holed himself up in the sitting room with a hairdryer, a bic lighter, and Mr. Clijsters old soldering iron. "C'mon! C'mon!" was all the Clijsters family heard for the next two hours.

The grueling egg ordeal was only ended when Kim's Swiss backpacker friend Martina dropped by to see how everyone was going.

"Everything was mad," said Mr. Clijsters. "But then Martina arrived. She was like a baboon. Wearing this hilarious outfit and primping and preening. All of a sudden people were laughing like drains, falling this way and that; it was a miracle. Even Lleyton began to smile. I'd like to call Lleyton 'Martina', but I'm afraid of what his reaction might be."

Australian cricketer Mark Waugh refused to comment on the issue, citing legal advice.
 

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TENNIS
Pat Cash stopping people in the street, offering opinions
by STAFF REPORTERS


One-time Wimbledon champion Pat Cash was spotted in the Bourke Street Mall yesterday, stopping people so he could tell them what he thought about tennis issues.

Cash, who last won a major in 1987, followed shoppers up and down the famous strip outside Myers, ranting about the shape of the Australian Open balls (round), the colour of the Rebound Ace court (green), the Rod Laver Arena’s roof (mostly open, sometimes closed) and what he thought about players having relationships outside of the game (obvious).

“I’d never met a genuine tennis star before so I was kind of pleased when he first walked up to me. But after listening to him go on and on and on about how women should get less prizemoney than male tennis players, I had to get away any way I could,” said 73-year-old Bill Crysler.

“Who would have thought at my age that I’d be desperately thinking up excuses to get the Hell away from a Davis Cup hero. In the end, I said my car was about to get a ticket … I don’t even drive. Haven’t since 1974.”

Steve Hooper of Glen Waverley said he was cornered for more than an hour as Cash told him all about why a good coach was good for a top player, but a bad coach could be counter-productive. “I thought it was all pretty obvious really.”

Seventeen-year-old Melinda Houston was even less impressed. “I was walking along with my Dad when this middle-aged guy in a checked headband came up and just started raving on about how he reckoned Mark Philippoussis must have been up all night shagging some pop star to have played so badly on Monday.”

Houston said she was born in the year the bloke apparently won at the All-England Club and didn’t know him from Adam. But she said her dad was a little sad after they finally edged away from the man.

Cash was last seen talking animatedly to a guy standing on a crate wearing a sandwich board covered in religious ramblings.


Email this story to a friend.
 

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LOL at the Sampras and Pat Cash articles in particular. :lol:

thanks for those
 

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Discussion Starter #16
LMAO!!!!! i had totally forgotten about this thread. thanks for digging it up Soph! ;)
 

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article link

Safin denies match was “life and death”
by STAFF REPORTERS

Russian star Marat Safin has denied commentator claims that he was “fighting for his life” in Tuesday night’s quarter final against world No. 1 Andy Roddick.

In a tense fifth set, when Safin appeared to be tiring yet had to find a way to break the giant American’s serve, the commentary team of John Alexander, Bruce McAvaney and John McEnroe repeatedly claimed that the Russian was fighting for his life.

But Safin, now ranked in the 80s after missing most of last year, denied his physical safety was at stake. “I’m not aware of any plans to have me killed if I had have lost the set,” he told thebladder.com. “As far as I’m aware, only a place in the last four at Melbourne Park was being contested. I would have been surprised and disappointed to be taken out the back of the stadium and shot or maybe given a lethal injection, if I hadn’t been able to win.”

The amiable Russian playboy added that he had seen Andy Roddick several hours after Tuesday’s three-hour epic and the American appeared to be safe and well, if disappointed to have been bundled out of the Australian Open.

“Certainly, Andy did not give me the impression that he was fearing for his life,” Safin said. “This is only tennis, after all. Next week, Davis Cup. The next week, the week-by-week tour begins again. Having said that, I was very happy to win.”
 

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SammySammySammy OiOiOi
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http://www.thebladder.com/content/news/displayContent.asp?CID=2472&EID=239

Don’t forget, I won a grand slam tournament
by PAT CASH


" "
I’ve come in for a lot of criticism in the past week. Sure, I made some remarks about Mark Philippoussis and his relationship with pop starlet Delta Goodrem, and maybe I was out of line. Even this very website has written about me, delivering none-to-subtle criticism in its own way. I can read between the lines.

But the facts are these: I won a grand slam tournament and I made the final in two others.

People tend to forget that. Sometimes I feel like the public see me making these outrageous comments and simply shake their heads, thinking to themselves, ‘there’s that silly old bugger Pat, carrying on like a knob again.’ What they fail to realise is that I won a grand slam tournament.

Sure, I’m far from perfect, I’ve got faults. We all have. Nobody’s perfect. The difference is that I won a grand slam. And made the finals in two others. Which I took to five sets. So really, that’s almost as good as having won three, when you think about it.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that I deserve respect. Whether it’s respect as a commentator or respect from players who I’ve just ripped into in the media, I still deserve it. The fact is that I won a grand slam. And I nearly won two others.

When Mark rang me during the week and abused me on the phone, I was really disappointed. Mark hasn’t even won a grand slam, so he has no right to talk to me like that.

The fact is, I don’t think you should speak that way to anyone. At least, not directly. If you’re going to sledge someone, it should at least be done on radio or perhaps through a newspaper column.

Of course, they don’t give that sort of media access to everyone. Sometimes you have to achieve something special in order to be given a forum. Sometimes you even have to do something spectacular, like win a grand slam and make a couple of finals.

That’s basically what I’m trying to say. I won a grand slam and took two other finals to five sets. People forget that.
 

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SammySammySammy OiOiOi
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Oh, and next to that they've got "In brief: microphone granted restraining order over Pat Cash". Sound like they share my opinion of the guy, LOL!
 

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SammySammySammy OiOiOi
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http://www.thebladder.com/content/news/displayContent.asp?CID=2469&EID=239

Break between Davis Cups whittled to three-quarters of an hour
by STAFF REPORTERS

Tennis Australia officials moved to placate insatiable Davis Cup fans today, trimming the break between consecutive tournaments to just under 45 minutes.

Officials said the tightening of the schedule for the international tennis competition was in response to "overwhelming public demand". Four Australian 'fanatics' reportedly suicided last year after finding they would be forced to wait as long as six days between the conclusion of the 2003 final and the first rounds of the 2004 competition.

"The difficulty has always been the logistical problem of running the following year's competition immediately off the back of the current competition," a Tennis Australia spokesperson explained. "We are experimenting with the idea of running the final concurrently with the qualifying rounds for the next year's competition. This would ensure that when the final's last rubber is concluded, the Cup winner can immediately take the court against the successful qualifier, ready to defend its title. Of course, if we're playing on clay we will need 15 minutes to bag the court."

On hearing this latest proviso, a group of 16 fanatics immediately began sewing their lips together, announcing that they were prepared to starve to death if the 15-minute interval could not be halved by the beginning of next year's tournament.

"Each minute without a Davis Cup tie could be my last," one explained, his words muffled by surgical stitching
 
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