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i keep fighting, trying to keep my head above water, but i keep sinking futher into depression. When it is quiet i am at my worse, so needless to say when i am laying at bed at night i never sleep. i spend my night waging wars in my head. trying to find the silver lining, a reason, any reason, to continue fighting. there is little to fight for.

work keeps desending into deeper levels of hell, their promises of months ago have either been outrightly broken, or are unfullfilled. i haven't been kissed in a year and it has been so long since i have been held that i can't even remember when it was, much less what it felt like. stupidly i continue to chase a guy that i can't date due to work policies, that has a girlfriend and that would probably stop speaking to me if he ever found out that i was atheist.

a brand new plant magazine sits next to me, i can't even make myself read it, much less enjoy it. there has been 2 Marat matches sitting on my comp for weeks now, i haven't even clicked on them. everything i enjoy is now torture is seems.

my only bright stop is Kristin, my best friend. She is truely the only thing that makes me smile anymore. Unfortunately she is going through so much right now that she hardly has time for me and i have such issues opening up to people that i'm not sure she completely understands. even when it is an issue that both of us have dealt with i keep silent. why? i have no idea. too many years without a best friend to confide in i suppose.

Even with both of us being sick this week we still have talked everyday though, tonight it was for an hour, not long after i had type that she was my only bright spot. her timing is wonderful, i guess that is why she is my best friend :)
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