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Australian Open champion Kim Clijsters has urged the WTA's numero uno Caroline Wozniaki to 'shit or get off the pot' in her post-mach victory speech in Melbourne.

"We all know there's a so-called number one out there who doesn't win anything, who hogs the number one spot by winning piss-poor tournaments in some backward shithole God knows where and playing more than I do. Well Caroline, I know you like your boxing, so how about you shit or get off the pot; either win a slam, vacate the top ranking or do battle with Serena and I-the number one contenders-for the top spot. That's right, I'm calling you out honey. I've already secured a TV deal with HBO and Madison Square Garden for the night. You can have 33 percent of the purse. Serena's promoter Don King has been informed and has agreed to a three way 12 round boxing epic. It's up to you now, sugar. Nowhere to run."

Belgian Clijsters continued with the boxing analogies.

"It's like I'm Manny Paquiao and she's Floyd Mayweather. She's the one ducking and diving and making excuses. She's the one running scared and padding her record beating up on nobodies and washed-up rubbish like Dinara Safina. She's the one cherry-picking her tournaments. She doesn't want to face me one-on-one. She doesn't want to go head to head with Kimmy 'the comeback kid' Clijsters. She knows she'd end up on the canvas looking up my skirt at that big-ass minge and nothing but the knowledge that I'm more of a woman than she'll ever be."

As tournament organisers sought to remove a possibly inebriated Clijsters from the podium, she went on:

"Or maybe she's David Haye and I'm a Klitschko brother. She's posing and mouthing off, living the high life, bigging up her personality and showing off her mickey mouse silverware but we all know she's got no substance, no idea what it takes to be a champion. She ain't got my firepower, she can't punch for toffee. I've been in this game ten-odd years and never ducked a fight. I've seen enough pretenders in my time-Jankovic, Zvonareva, Dementieva-bums all and that Wozniaki-she's another bum."

As several tournament referees finally forcibly removed a clearly demented Clijsters from the stadium, she shouted:

"Let's get ready to rumble!!!!"

All very odd. But true.
 
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