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“It’s just like I’ve always said, Lucy. Never trust the Germans.”

“Or more importantly, people with ginger hair.”

“Indeed Lucy. Indeed.”

“But why Becker? Why?”

“Why? Why! I’m sick of it Tim. The whole world’s sick of it. Hen bleedin’ mania.
Every year, every summer- there I was. Sitting on national television making a
fool of myself. Saying that you had a chance. They made me say it Tim. They
paid me. But I wanted out. I felt dirty, vile, used! I knew I had to put an end to
the madness, the absurdity of it all -so I hatched a plot to dispose of Henmania
once and for all. No more! No more mad middle-aged women shouting, “Come
on Tim! Come on Tim! Come on Tim! Come on Tim…”

“Come on Tim! Come on Tim! ARGH! What a bunch of idiots! Never mind the fact
that Tim hasn’t got a cowboy’s chance in hell…”

Boris and Henman stare at Lucy, mouths agape; shell-shocked at the words she
has just spoken.

“Er…I mean…you’ll never get away with this Becker!”

“She’s right Becker. What you gonna do brother…”

Henman wagz hiz finger at Becker, whilst ripping hiz hen suit from hiz chest:

“…When Henmania runs wild on you!”

He posez and flexes hiz musclez, putting a hand to one ear then ze other,
imagining millionz and millionz of hiz deluded fanz chanting hiz name to ze

He is tapped on ze shoulder.

“Excuse me mister Henman, I’m Hulk Hogan’s lawyer. I’m here to inform you that
should you continue to shamelessly rip-off my client’s gimmick and catchphrase
for the purposes of this ridiculous sketch, then I’ll have no choice but to sue you
for copyright infringement.”


Ze lawyer leaves.

“Enough nonsense! Guards! Seize them!”

Suddenly two masked henchmen rush from ze shadows, accosting Henman and
Farmer Lucy violently, before tying them to a chair. When they remove their
balaclavaz, Henman recognises ze twin terrors…

“Rusedski! Murray! I should have known.”

“Pipe down eh?” says ze Evil Canadian.

“Aye”, says ze Sinister Scot.

“ Andy, it’s not too late- don’t move towards the dark side. Don’t let this evil Canadian
brainwash you!”

“Pipe down eh? It’s time for a new era of British tennis eh. The end of Henmania eh.
Eh Andy?”


Ze terrible twosome stalk off, leaving our heroez to reflect on their most precarious
and troublesome position.

“It’s okay Lucy”, beginz Henman, after a few moments of careful pondering, “ I’ll just use
my special laser eyes to burn through the ropes and set us free.”

“But you’re impotent.”

“Lucy, this is no time to discuss my bedroom failings.”

“No not THAT. I mean you’re powerless! You don’t have any special powers!”

“I don’t? Then I guess we haven’t exactly thought this through then have we?”

“Not really. I just wanted to get out of the house and away from your parents.
They’re sooooo boring.”

“Lucy, don’t bring my parents into this.”

“ But they are. I mean your dad just sits there with that look on his face like he’s
eternally constip”

“Lucy! I know what to do- I’ll give Sue a call. Trusty Sue. She’ll know what to do!”

Henman managez to manoeuvre hiz mobile phone from behind hiz back and dial
ze number of headquarterz.

Bedside nearby, a phone ringz. A man wearing what can be generously described as
“unusual attire”-black studded leather, a mask, and long black leather bootz- and
holding, most oddly, a whip in one hand; pickz up ze receiver with ze other.


“Hello”, Henman whisperz, “Who’s that?”

“John Lloyd. Who’s that?”

“Henman here. What are you doing at headquarters? Where’s Sue?”

“Henman! Headquarters? Er Sue, Sue- Sue’s busy at the moment. We were just
discussing your chances at Wimbledon this year.”

“I see. Listen John, I need help.”

“No kidding. There’s just soooo many guys that can beat you nowadays-Fed, Roddick,
Hewitt, Gasquet- why even George Bastl would fancy his chances!”

“No, not THAT. I mean I’m all tied up.”

“Oh. What a coincidence-so is Sue.”


“Er nothing. Listen Tim, I’ve got to go.”

In ze background, Henman hearz a faint girlish giggling voice; it seemed to say
“Woohoo! John! I’m ready! Come and get me big boy!”

Ze phone goez dead.

“John noooo!"

Henman turnz off ze mobile phone.

"It lookz like it’s all over Lucy. All over.”

Will this be ze end of Henmania once and for all?
Will Hulk Hogan sue for copyright infringement?
Would George Bastl fancy hiz chances of whipping Henman’s ass?
Will John Lloyd be whipping…erm never mind.

Tune in next time for more amazing adventurez of…nananananananan Henman!
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