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Discussion Starter #1
So I finally found my happiness after almost 25 years on this planet..the high school sweetheart came back..the fairy tale story..about a month in and everything is going fine and dandy between us. Even her 2 and a half yearold daughter who isn't biologically mine has clicked with me and the so called "baggage" that many men swear off (in the child) has taken to me fine, no dramas there whatsoever. It's all been seemless in that regard.

But the drama (baggage) here is actually around the mother in law and especially (soon to be ex) husband. Long story short she was in an abusive marriage for years, the odd physical abuse but mostly just years of put downs, insults and making her feel worthless. She finally broke free and, although people will always say about the "connection they have that I don't", I know 100% she will never take him back. I am the guy for her, and even he being the childs father is not neally enough to break what we have.

But he can't let her go. He want's her back, and she doesn't want him back. It's a difficult, complicated situation on so many fronts, and the typical ex advice doesn't work as well. She can't just cut him off, because hes the father of her child, and inspite of everything, he is good with her and she has got a good relationship back with him again, and none of us want to see her grow up without knowing her dad. He has access rights and going down the restraining order/courts rout is a huge stress and she already has so much of it in her life, health is not the best etc.

Is this just something we are stuck with and have to manage and hope it gets better? They still bicker and fight all the time and it gets heated even when im around at her house, and it being the old house they used to live together in, I feel like I can't just storm in the room and demand him to leave, if we moved maybe it would be better, a place of our own, that way I have more control over the situation. I know all the alphas will say I should never let someone disrespect my girl, but it's not that simple, she knows how to manage him better than I, and they have their shouting and swearing matches infront of the girl, the last thing in the world anyone needs is me going in and making it worse, I need to show my girl and her daughter that I can rise above, that I won't be the angry aggressive guy that loses his temper and gets violent, otherwise she may as well go back with him.

Further complicating the nightmare is the fact I was friends with her when they started dating, and I did kiss her twice when they were engaged, which im not proud of, and I guess I continue to cut him slack for even though it was years and years ago. Also the guys dad died at a young age only a year or so ago, and hes actually really good at making you feel sorry for him even when you can't stand him. Of course his mother wants them back together, she lost her husband and the dream of the family unit is all she has left. It's a very sad, sordid messy affair.

Of course, most guys would probably just say fuck it, throw their hands up and walk away, but i'm commited. And she wouldn't go back to him even if I wans't around, so she would still be dealing with this and I would still wan't to help her, I can't just walk away.

Of course, no doubt if its a life or death situation I act, without hesitation. I honestly don't think he would ever get violent when i'm there, but im not always there. And I don't want to scar a 2 yearold for life and make her scared of me, as if I don't get on with her, what chance do I have? I also don't want to be the guy who murders the father of my girlfriends child, even in self defence, as how could she ever like me?

I doubt it will come to that, but hes a real jekyl and hyde, fine one minute and shouting the next. He is getting help finally and is in the system, he may have a mental illness and I hope he gets the help he needs.

But it's a royal pain in the ass. Anyone ever delt with something similar? I don't like the person I become when I get overcome by anger. I don't like hating people, even if they do deserve retribution against them. I like being a peaceful person.
 

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You gotta move in with her, preferably far away from him and his mother.

If you really love this girl, and have the means to do so.
 

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You're in quite a messy situation pal, but i believe you are acting the right way in this situation.

It's a problem that is not yours to solve, it has became your problem too because it interferes with your life, but you cannot solve it yourself, all you can do is what you actually do - stay smart, don't get involved, be there for your woman.

Of course, it's easy to say from distance, etc.

There are a couple things i would like to understand though - How come he is allowed to get inside the house and stay there for fights to last, and all this in front of the kid?
If this is happening because of the "their old house" situation and you couldn't act in the way you could in your own house, then change that.

Moving in a different place would change a lot to the whole micro climate, he'll be allowed up to the door and these fights won't be the same outside the house, they'll be shorter (due to the possibility for the girl to get inside and ignore him) and they will fade slowly away.

At such point though you might get involved in solving an issue that will become very much yours, coz of the place, coz you will be the one to not allow him in, etc. so prepare yourself for this, but there is no other way for this to work out.

It will only intensify with time if the guy is allowed at any time to come in, stay as long as he wants and have constant contact with his ex wife.

And trust me, she might reject him now, she loves you and everything, but pressure works miracles with women, at one point they'd take a wrong decision for the sake of peace, the kid, etc. It might not seem possible to you at this very point, but trust me, this other guy won't let go, you cannot imagine what is going through his head atm, his whole life is dedicated to getting things back and nothing else matters for him.

The only way to stop this in a peaceful way, without the courts of law, the physical engagement (which would lead to the same court of law..) or splitting up would be to move away.

Not necessarily far away or smth, but somewhere you are the host. This will put him away to a certain degree and will give your woman a way out, just like in their phone fights - she can always hang off.

The visits for him to see the child imo should be very precisely organized, exact time on the exact day and the best would be - Her out of the place, You - in.
In case that's even possible at all, considering the kid is quite young. Maybe her mom should come around and help out, but in any case - you can't stop him seeing the kid, you can cut him seeing the woman to the minimum possible and that's key.

Anyhow, wish you luck, stay cool and hopefully this sorts itself out.
 

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So she is married with a child/ has difficulties with husband.. You want her to divorce and then marry her and raise their child?
You should ask her to try it for several months with her husband without your presence, a try is good..

In general I never make any intimate relations with married men I don't even laugh at their jokes and I act very neutral..
 

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Mate, how can you reduce yourself to being in a relationship with a woman who has a child?

Why would you wanna raise another man's child?

Bro I have been following your threads and personal turmoils, I'm just sad to see how it's turned out mane.
 

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What happened to my post? :confused: It's called a joke.
 

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Mate, how can you reduce yourself to being in a relationship with a woman who has a child?

Why would you wanna raise another man's child?

Bro I have been following your threads and personal turmoils, I'm just sad to see how it's turned out mane.
i don't see the kids as a problem themselves. kids are innocent in this and are usually nice. i for one wouldn't mind kids.

though in my experience women with kids can be bad news in many cases...i mean why would men run away from them in the first place?

then women oh always claim they were abused oh boy...once the relationship is over they claim you mistreated her. even when you treated her like a princess.

good luck :wavey:
 

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Discussion Starter #8
You're in quite a messy situation pal, but i believe you are acting the right way in this situation.

It's a problem that is not yours to solve, it has became your problem too because it interferes with your life, but you cannot solve it yourself, all you can do is what you actually do - stay smart, don't get involved, be there for your woman.

Of course, it's easy to say from distance, etc.

There are a couple things i would like to understand though - How come he is allowed to get inside the house and stay there for fights to last, and all this in front of the kid?
If this is happening because of the "their old house" situation and you couldn't act in the way you could in your own house, then change that.

Moving in a different place would change a lot to the whole micro climate, he'll be allowed up to the door and these fights won't be the same outside the house, they'll be shorter (due to the possibility for the girl to get inside and ignore him) and they will fade slowly away.

At such point though you might get involved in solving an issue that will become very much yours, coz of the place, coz you will be the one to not allow him in, etc. so prepare yourself for this, but there is no other way for this to work out.

It will only intensify with time if the guy is allowed at any time to come in, stay as long as he wants and have constant contact with his ex wife.

And trust me, she might reject him now, she loves you and everything, but pressure works miracles with women, at one point they'd take a wrong decision for the sake of peace, the kid, etc. It might not seem possible to you at this very point, but trust me, this other guy won't let go, you cannot imagine what is going through his head atm, his whole life is dedicated to getting things back and nothing else matters for him.

The only way to stop this in a peaceful way, without the courts of law, the physical engagement (which would lead to the same court of law..) or splitting up would be to move away.

Not necessarily far away or smth, but somewhere you are the host. This will put him away to a certain degree and will give your woman a way out, just like in their phone fights - she can always hang off.

The visits for him to see the child imo should be very precisely organized, exact time on the exact day and the best would be - Her out of the place, You - in.
In case that's even possible at all, considering the kid is quite young. Maybe her mom should come around and help out, but in any case - you can't stop him seeing the kid, you can cut him seeing the woman to the minimum possible and that's key.

Anyhow, wish you luck, stay cool and hopefully this sorts itself out.
It pretty much is happening because of the "their old house" situation. I am not in total control. I can't exactly walk in and say "get out of our house"..plus me and her are in the very early days..he doesn't even see us as being officially together as we haven't told her parents yet (long story). I try take the child outside to play or whatever but she often runs back inside and he doesn't stop shouting even when she pleads with him that it is scaring the child. Eventually he calms down though.

I think moving is the only option if it doesn't settle down.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
So she is married with a child/ has difficulties with husband.. You want her to divorce and then marry her and raise their child?
You should ask her to try it for several months with her husband without your presence, a try is good..

In general I never make any intimate relations with married men I don't even laugh at their jokes and I act very neutral..
They are seperated and have been for 7 months. She refeers to him as her Ex Husband, but of course it is another 17 months or so before they can legally divorce.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Mate, how can you reduce yourself to being in a relationship with a woman who has a child?

Why would you wanna raise another man's child?

Bro I have been following your threads and personal turmoils, I'm just sad to see how it's turned out mane.
Because shes the one for me. Has been for over 11 years. We have an amazing connection and I know there is no one else I want to be with, and if that means "rasing" the girl, so be it, although hopefully her father can calm down enough to have her on weekends and thus I will be a "step dad".
 

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So I finally found my happiness after almost 25 years on this planet..the high school sweetheart came back..the fairy tale story..about a month in and everything is going fine and dandy between us. Even her 2 and a half yearold daughter who isn't biologically mine has clicked with me and the so called "baggage" that many men swear off (in the child) has taken to me fine, no dramas there whatsoever. It's all been seemless in that regard [...]
A month is nowhere near long enough to be making any sort of momentous decision such as moving in etc as people have been suggesting.
 

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What a messy situation :hug:

I guess first you simply have to talk with him :shrug: Have a long three person discussion on saying that he needs to calm down. Talk in as cheerful, non-accusing tones so as to not get him worked up.

You must try to calm the beast and try to reason with him somehow.

If that doesn't work, tell her to officially separate from him (not legally) and take the child to your house/apartment. And then she can tell him herself that he can visit the child regularly, as an uncle or something.

:sad:
 

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I think the OP is an idiot why would he get involved with a woman who has a kid and is not divorced? In this tough situation he needs to RUN for his life away from this woman. The lady has a lot of baggage and this young man is in for a lot of heart ache. This guy is dating a woman who is not divorced I can see the OP getting dumped in the end. Why can't the OP just date a woman who is single and has no kids? The OP needs to get out before he gets the lady pregnant.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
A month is nowhere near long enough to be making any sort of momentous decision such as moving in etc as people have been suggesting.
I agree, shes talking about moving by herself, and hopefully eventually I can move in with her.
 

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Because shes the one for me. Has been for over 11 years. We have an amazing connection and I know there is no one else I want to be with, and if that means "rasing" the girl, so be it, although hopefully her father can calm down enough to have her on weekends and thus I will be a "step dad".
The girl for you decided to have another child with a man she married who wasn't you. If it was truly meant to be she would of chosen you in the first place
 

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The girl for you decided to have another child with a man she married who wasn't you. If it was truly meant to be she would of chosen you in the first place
He had a moustache back then.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
The girl for you decided to have another child with a man she married who wasn't you. If it was truly meant to be she would of chosen you in the first place
Yeah..cause women ALWAYS go with the right guy :worship:
 

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She now has the best of both worlds: the stud's genes for her spawn, and a provider to maintain her. And apparently she gets to keep the stud too (since he is in the house all the freaking time apparently)! I can guarantee she will continue to NOT set any boundaries. Why? because she doesn't want to. I don't see how this ends well for the OP, which is a shame. All the best.
 

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Simple, you need to have your own place, where you don't see the other guy ever, except when he comes to pick up/return the kid, full stop. The situation you have now, no sane person should be involved in that. So I guess Collective is dead on:

She now has the best of both worlds: the stud's genes for her spawn, and a provider to maintain her. And apparently she gets to keep the stud too (since he is in the house all the freaking time apparently)! I can guarantee she will continue to NOT set any boundaries. Why? because she doesn't want to. I don't see how this ends well for the OP, which is a shame. All the best.
 
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