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Old 02-13-2007, 01:47 PM   #1
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Talking Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

Hi everybody

This is my first post in GM, I want to share with you this fake blog I found on another website.

Apolozise in advance for my English grammar.

I hope you will enjoy it as much as I enjoy.

Good readind



Welcome back fans! Here is my first blog of the new season, which
promises to be even
better than last year, if that is at all possible.

December
After cruising to victory in Shanghai, I took a well-deserved break to
reflect on my wonderful achievements during 2006. As you can
understand, this took up a lot of time, and after a while Mirka did
get slightly annoyed about having to stay in all day watching re-runs
of my Wimbledon and US Open victories - selfish cow!

I then started my intensive pre-season training programme under the
watchful eye of my coach Toni (er, sorry I mean Tony!). Top players
get very little time to work on their game due to the length of the
season (particularly me since I am always in the final of each
tournament I play), and so the short off-season is the only real
chance to improve. Of course this does not really apply to me as my
game has no weaknesses, but Tony insists that I can get even better -
maybe he is trying to keep himself in a job! We worked on my volleys
as Tony mentioned that all top tennis analysts insist that being a top
net player is crucial to being regarded as the greatest player of all
time. I replied that Bjorn Borg could hardly volley for shit, could
he? Not surprisingly, Tony just ignored that remark - well, there's no
answer to that one, is there?

Tony also suggested that I should do some weight training as he read
somewhere that building
a muscular physique was vital for a top tennis player. I am not very
keen on weights as the last time I tried them I broke a fingernail -
ooh, it was very painful you know. "No offence, Roger" said Tony "but
you could do with putting on some muscle - you have a bit of a girly
build. In fact, anyone would think you are a raging poofter!". What?
Just because I read Vogue every week, listen to classical music and
wear homosexual jackets at Wimbledon doesn't make me a bumrooter (and
I don't mean a Spanish clay-court specialist!). Anyway, I told Tony he
wasn't my type. "Thank fuck for that, mate", he replied "cos I've been
shagging Newk for thirty years - that moustache of his is such a turn-
on". My God, Tony is even weirder than I thought - perhaps I should
fire him, but on second thoughts I'll leave that until June when I
fail to win the French again thanks to his useless tactical advice.

I got a text message from Pete "GOAT, But Not For Much Longer" Sampras
congratulating me on a great season and hoping that I would surpass
his total of 14 Grand Slam titles. What a
nice thing to say, except that I know Pete well, and he is a selfish
devious bastard so he was definitely lying! He generously offered some
advice about how to win the French, but given his legendary status as
a clay-court clown I immediately ignored it - obviously a cunning trap
to make sure that I flop miserably like he did! He also mentioned
something about a "clown era", but I think he is being too modest -
the standard of play during the 1990s wasn't quite that bad! He's
probably cursing me every time he watches me play, hoping that I get a
career-ending injury! Sorry Pete, no chance of that! I look forward to
rubbing his nose in the dirt when I cruise past his slam total, which
let's face it won't be very long now - I can't wait to make that phone
call!

Heard that Hingis is engaged to Radek "Weasel Face" Stepanek - my God,
she must be desperate as he is the ugliest man in tennis - and quite
possibly the whole world! I confidently
predict that his career will very quickly go down the toilet, as has
happened with all her previous boyfriends!!

January
Had an extra week's rest this year as I couldn't be arsed going to
Qatar to pick up a huge appearance fee - it's a godawful place and the
bloody sand gets everywhere. They even increased their offer to try to
persuade me to turn up but I told them to get stuffed. It's not
surprising that they were so desperate for me to play when you
consider the clowns who showed up - Jokeydenko lost to Murray, who
then lost in the final to Ljubicic. However I must say that I am
impressed with Murray and confidently predict that he will be the next
world number one - assuming that he is still playing in 2017 when I
retire at the age of 35 having won my 32nd slam - ha ha!!!

Onto Kooyong for some light practice before the Australian - played
Stepanek first, and nearly lost as I couldn't concentrate with his
deformed face on the other side of the net - my God, just think what
sort of teeth their children will have - it nearly put me off my
dinner! In the final I decided to serve and volley all the time
against Andy - amazingly I lost. "Smart move", said Tony. "Andy now
thinks he can beat you - but of course you are keeping your best stuff
for if you meet at the Australian, yeah? Well, either that, or your
volleys are just total crap". I told Tony that I would definitely fire
him if I didn't win the French this year ...

Australian Open started with another piss-easy draw - it looked like a
cakewalk to my tenth
slam title as long as someone else knocked Nadal out as usual - would
it be Murray, Blake,
Gonzalez or Berdych who would thrash him and spare me the anxiety of
possibly losing to him
again? Who knows? It was certainly going to be good fun watching to
find out!! However, unfortunately this tournament is definitely the
least prestigious of the four Grand Slam events, and I know this as I
have made an extensive study of the history of the game (well, read a
few Usenet posts at least). Wimbledon and the US Open can be described
as "blue-chip" slams, with the French a bit behind and then this heap
of dung in a miserable fourth position - remember that Borg and
McEnroe couldn't even be bothered to show up at this tournament, so it
could hardly be worth much to my legacy, could it? Mind you, all that
will change if I don't ever win the French - in that case I will
maintain that Roland Garros is worthless, while the Australian is one
of the most important events of all - clever, eh?

I whipped Novak Djokovic in the fourth round - he made a bad mistake
by saying that he actually thought he could beat me - oh dear. That
made me really angry and I decided to make him look stupid on court -
only a player of my special talents could do that, of course. I told
him after the match that he must never say things like that, but
instead always admit that he has no chance against me since I am on a
completely different level to everyone else. Thankfully he saw the
error of his ways, and promised to lie down meekly from now on. I even
suggested that he pick up some of the habits of other players when
they play me - for example, clapping my shots, or shouting "Way too
good!" when I hit a winner. He agreed with this advice and will work
on these techniques with his coach - it's always good to see an up-and-
coming player who can take hints from a legend of the game and use
them to improve his own performance - I'm now actually starting to
like him!!"

Gasquet bombed out before he could play me, probably due to pissing
his pants in fear at the
prospect - how the hell did I lose to him that time? I played Robredo
instead - the only danger in playing him is falling asleep at his
dreadful one-dimensional game - zzzzz!! I bet he wishes he had as much
variety in his game as I do, particularly my fanstastic touch and
agility around the net - the benchmark of a real all-time great as all
leading analysts of the game will confirm.

After scraping through against Murray, Nadal crashed out to Gonzalez -
ha ha ha!!! I could hardly believe my luck! The only guy who can beat
me always loses to a clown who I then thrash easily!! Uncle Toni seems
to have lost it completely, as all he does now is clap the
other guy's shots and grin inanely from the stands!! Heh heh!! As long
as he remains Rafa's coach, my place at the top of the rankings is
secure. Of course, I had a word with Rafa afterwards to console him
and said, "Uncle Toni is a great coach, you would be crazy to change
to someone else at this stage of your career. If you stick with him,
in time the changes you are making to your game for hard courts will
pay off". Of course, I neglected to add that it would probably take
about ten years for any improvement to happen, and by that stage I
will be long retired as the best player ever! In fairness, when Rafa
asked about scouting "Pancho" Gonzalez's game before the match, Toni
replied that the draw must be wrong because Gonzalez died many years
ago!! Well, it's an understandable mistake which anyone could make
(assuming they are completely clueless about tennis, of course!)

I killed Roddick in the semis, reaching an exalted level of tennis
which other players could only dream about. I always used to say that
I constantly amazed myself at how well I could play, but I have given
that up, as to be honest it is certainly no surprise to me any more.
Mats Wilander said it was the greatest performance he ever saw - well
it was definitely better than any he ever gave at Wimbledon, that's
for sure!! Maybe I will forgive him for his "no balls" comments at the
French last year? Hmmm. On the other hand, maybe not - I must find
that tape of him nearly losing to Andrew Castle that year - that's a
guaranteed hilarious evening's viewing!! A few people did carp about
my performance though - some maintained that MeEnroe beating Connors
at Wimbledon in 1984 or Sampras beating Agassi in 1999 were better
displays. All I can say is that neither McEnroe nor Sampras had to
contend with Roddick's approach shots or volleys as I did - phew! I
rest my case!

Before the final with Gonzalez, Tony advised me not to underestimate
him as he has a great coach in Larry Stefanki. I was not impressed by
this, as Stefanki almost destroyed my good friend Tim Henman's game
while he was his coach. I was more concerned about damaging my own
reputation with another one-sided thrashing of a hapless buffoon in a
slam final, so I
approached "Gonzo" before the match and generously suggested a
reasonably close-looking
straight sets win, say 7-6 6-4 6-4. He quickly agreed to this as it
was many more games that he was expecting to win, and the plan was in
operation! There was a momentary panic as Gonzo
nearly ruined the whole thing when he got to two set points in the
first set, but luckily he remembered his place and completed the match
as arranged!

Still, it was another Grand Slam win for me, keeping me ahead of
Sampras's rate in the (now
very one-sided) race for tennis immortality - another five to go, it
should be in the bag next season sometime!!

Rod Laver understandably declined the offer to present me with the
trophy after last year's embarrassing scenes, so I had to make do with
receiving it from some lackey who works for
Tennis Australia - honestly, are there no ex-players worth talking
about in Australia who could have done it? Ken Rosewall was there, but
he wisely stayed in the crowd, as he surely realised that he was
nowhere near my level as a player! Apparently he was the last person
to win this title without dropping a set, but I think even he was glad
to lose that record, as the standard of the tournament when he won it
in 1971 was even worse that it is now, i.e. absolutely shit!

So it was off to Dubai for another holiday with Mirka after my
glorious triumph in Melbourne. I read that Borg abstained from sex
during Wimbledon while he was still in the tournament, and obviously
this worked very well for him. I have taken this idea a stage further
by telling Mirka that I will not have sex with her while I am on an
unbeaten winning streak. As currently this dates back to Cincinnati
last August, she is getting a bit frustrated! This is of course an
excellent way of avoiding having sex with her! No wonder she doesn't
look terribly excited when I keep winning! I tell her that once I have
finished playing there will be plenty of time for all that sort of
thing, but for now I have to concentrate on my career. However once I
retire from tennis I plan to dump her and get a hot chick instead, so
in fact she will be in for a big disappointment! However, merely
knowing that I let her be my girlfriend while I dominated tennis
completely should be more than
enough consolation for her during the rest of her life - eh?

Stay tuned for next month's blog, although there will not be much to
talk about as I will not be winning (sorry, playing) any tournaments
during February. But of course there is a big milestone coming up on
the 26th as I will surpass Connors' record of weeks at number one. Can
you imagine the embarrassment if I could not beat this record,
considering what a limited player Jimmy was compared to me? I mean,
that terrible serve, and extremely dodgy forehand? Ha Ha! I intend to
call him first thing that morning to make sure he knows about it. I
don't know exactly what I will say yet, but maybe something like "Hey
Jimbo! You're a loser! How does it feel to have your thirty year-old
record smashed by someone who continues to thrash the guy you coach!
I'll give you a call next year when it's four years and counting! Heh
heh!"

I have to go now - Tony is calling me. Jesus, this guy never stops -
it must be the second time this year that he has spoken to me! Get out
my face, Tony! I sent him off to come up with a clever tactical plan
to beat Nadal on clay, since, to be honest, last year's "move further
behind the baseline and hit topspin backhands to Nadal's forehand"
wasn't one of his better efforts.

Thanks for reading - and don't forget, Tursunov's blog may be much
funnier than this one,
but in fifty years time he will be a mere footnote in tennis history,
while I of course ...
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Old 02-13-2007, 01:55 PM   #2
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

had some good moments but mostly long and boring
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FormerRafaFan View Post
That will be the last victory of Rafa for quite some time.. With his joke mentality and pathetic game, I hope the disgusting player loses every single match next season. He's disgraceful. He should just retire. He's a joke.
Quote:
Originally Posted by l_mac View Post
(10) Corey Feldman vs. (12) scarecrows
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Old 02-13-2007, 02:09 PM   #3
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

Its amaizng
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Old 02-13-2007, 02:13 PM   #4
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

Tedious.

Starts off mildly amusing and rapidly descends in the elevator to the tedium floors. It's not even a very good caricature of him, really.
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Old 02-13-2007, 02:19 PM   #5
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

Quote:
Originally Posted by slicekick View Post

I whipped Novak Djokovic in the fourth round - he made a bad mistake
by saying that he actually thought he could beat me - oh dear. That
made me really angry and I decided to make him look stupid on court -
only a player of my special talents could do that, of course. I told
him after the match that he must never say things like that, but
instead always admit that he has no chance against me since I am on a
completely different level to everyone else. Thankfully he saw the
error of his ways, and promised to lie down meekly from now on. I even
suggested that he pick up some of the habits of other players when
they play me - for example, clapping my shots, or shouting "Way too
good!" when I hit a winner. He agreed with this advice and will work
on these techniques with his coach - it's always good to see an up-and-
coming player who can take hints from a legend of the game and use
them to improve his own performance - I'm now actually starting to
like him!!"
ROTFL at the whole passage!
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Ernests Gulbis on seeing HEAD racquets being made by hand:
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Old 02-13-2007, 02:22 PM   #6
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowwy View Post
Its amaizng
no shit sherlock
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FormerRafaFan View Post
That will be the last victory of Rafa for quite some time.. With his joke mentality and pathetic game, I hope the disgusting player loses every single match next season. He's disgraceful. He should just retire. He's a joke.
Quote:
Originally Posted by l_mac View Post
(10) Corey Feldman vs. (12) scarecrows
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Old 02-13-2007, 02:26 PM   #7
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

Quote:
Originally Posted by jitterbug View Post
ROTFL at the whole passage!
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Suck SUCK

FUck Fuck

Idiot Idiot

John

you shit Isner

I hate you
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Old 02-13-2007, 05:39 PM   #8
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

Quote:
Originally Posted by slicekick View Post
However I must say that I am
impressed with Murray and confidently predict that he will be the next
world number one - assuming that he is still playing in 2017 when I
retire at the age of 35 having won my 32nd slam - ha ha!!!
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Old 02-13-2007, 06:21 PM   #9
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

If you pretend William Shatner plays tennis, and read it as a caricature of him, I find that it's much funnier.
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Old 02-13-2007, 07:29 PM   #10
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

Quote:
Originally Posted by slicekick View Post
Hi everybody

This is my first post in GM, I want to share with you this fake blog I found on another website.
What? The usual suspects haven't been here yet to tell us that this blog is not actually fake? They will come soon
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He's here!!!!
Details at http://www.menstennisforums.com/showthread.php?t=132151
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Old 02-13-2007, 07:56 PM   #11
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

Quote:
Originally Posted by slicekick View Post
Hi everybody

This is my first post in GM, I want to share with you this fake blog I found on another website.

Apolozise in advance for my English grammar.

I hope you will enjoy it as much as I enjoy.

Good readind
funny
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Old 02-13-2007, 08:39 PM   #12
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

I enjoyed it.
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Old 02-13-2007, 08:43 PM   #13
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

This how a real number 1 should be. An ass.
Funny stuff, thx.
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Old 02-13-2007, 10:19 PM   #14
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Default Re: Federer's blog - January 2007 the show must go on

It's good.

But you forgot to refer to your source.
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Old 02-14-2007, 12:33 AM   #15
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