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Old 03-14-2004, 10:55 AM   #1
hedgehog
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Default send your jokes please

Not sure if a thread like this has been done before but thought it would be cool if people could send in their fave jokes. long or short, it doesnt matter !

I will kick us off

A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."
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Old 03-14-2004, 11:07 AM   #2
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Default Re: send your jokes please

Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''

Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''

Clem: ''What did thief do then?''

Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''
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Old 03-14-2004, 11:14 AM   #3
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Default Re: send your jokes please

Q: What do you call one beautiful woman in Australia?
A: Lost

Q: What do you call two beautiful women in Australia?
A: Tourists

Q: What do you call three beautiful women in Australia?
A: Beauty contest
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Old 03-14-2004, 11:15 AM   #4
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Default Re: send your jokes please

Q: What is the definition of a perfect marriage?
A: A blind wife and a deaf husband.
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Old 03-14-2004, 11:16 AM   #5
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Default Re: send your jokes please

whats the difference between onions and bagpipes??

Nobody cries when you cut up bagpipes
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Old 03-14-2004, 11:22 AM   #6
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Nith Looking Horth

Early one morning the owner of a horse stud farm gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who is interested in buying a horse. He is on his way over."

Soon the midget arrives at the breeding farm. The
owner of the stud farm asks if he is interested in a male or female
horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth!" says the midget. "Can I see her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses
mouth.

"Nith mouth!" says the midget. "Can I see her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"Now, what about the earsth?"

The owner is getting somewhat perturbed as he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the
ears.

"Okay, finally, I'd like to see her twat."

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horses twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should
rephrase... I'd like to see her run!
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Old 03-14-2004, 11:32 AM   #7
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Default Re: send your jokes please

Sunday School Money

A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"

"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
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Old 03-14-2004, 11:48 AM   #8
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Default Re: send your jokes please

The Stormy Sea

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."
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Old 03-14-2004, 11:48 AM   #9
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A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table
nearby........all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
Champagne to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl,
saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and
it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off 3inches. Just send the bottle back please."
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On Nadal bumping him on the changeover, Rosol said: "It's ok, he wanted to take my concentration; I knew he would try something".


Wilander on Dimitrov - "He has mind set on imitating Federer and yes it looks good. But he has no idea what to do on the court".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Filo V. View Post
I definitely would have preferred Gaba winning as he needs the points much more, but Jan would have beaten him anyway. I expect Hajek to destroy Machado, like 6-1 6-2.
Machado wins 6-2 6-1
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Old 03-14-2004, 11:49 AM   #10
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Default Re: send your jokes please

Tony Blair was delighted today to announce the first Japanese politician to join a british government.

He has been brought into the Labour party to sort out the illegal immigrant crisis......

His name is Mr.Hu Yu Bin Hi Din
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Old 03-14-2004, 11:54 AM   #11
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Default Re: send your jokes please

Did you hear about Alex Corretja's new coach? He was appointed before Indian Wells, to sort out his game.

He is a Korean guy named Win Wun Soon.

He has been so successful that he has won 2 matches.
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On Nadal bumping him on the changeover, Rosol said: "It's ok, he wanted to take my concentration; I knew he would try something".


Wilander on Dimitrov - "He has mind set on imitating Federer and yes it looks good. But he has no idea what to do on the court".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Filo V. View Post
I definitely would have preferred Gaba winning as he needs the points much more, but Jan would have beaten him anyway. I expect Hajek to destroy Machado, like 6-1 6-2.
Machado wins 6-2 6-1
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Old 03-14-2004, 12:01 PM   #12
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Default Re: send your jokes please

How do you know when a politician is lying?

Their lips move.
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On Nadal bumping him on the changeover, Rosol said: "It's ok, he wanted to take my concentration; I knew he would try something".


Wilander on Dimitrov - "He has mind set on imitating Federer and yes it looks good. But he has no idea what to do on the court".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Filo V. View Post
I definitely would have preferred Gaba winning as he needs the points much more, but Jan would have beaten him anyway. I expect Hajek to destroy Machado, like 6-1 6-2.
Machado wins 6-2 6-1
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Old 03-14-2004, 12:03 PM   #13
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Default Re: send your jokes please

Vatican Fried Chicken

During a Papal audience, a businessman approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again, this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined.

A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
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Old 03-18-2004, 10:26 AM   #14
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Default Re: send your jokes please

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over
and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of
another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery.
__________________
On Nadal bumping him on the changeover, Rosol said: "It's ok, he wanted to take my concentration; I knew he would try something".


Wilander on Dimitrov - "He has mind set on imitating Federer and yes it looks good. But he has no idea what to do on the court".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Filo V. View Post
I definitely would have preferred Gaba winning as he needs the points much more, but Jan would have beaten him anyway. I expect Hajek to destroy Machado, like 6-1 6-2.
Machado wins 6-2 6-1
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Old 03-18-2004, 11:34 AM   #15
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Default Re: send your jokes please

...

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach and asks, "what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "it's Keith, the midget."
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