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Old 07-12-2004, 09:45 AM   #16
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Default Re: Original Jokes

Despite what I said in post #14, I still have a couple more up my sleeve and would like to share them with you. Here's one:

Bill Clinton dies and goes to heaven. At the reception he completes all the forms necessary and his escorting angel takes him to a waiting room with several other people.

Bill asks the angel "what is this about?"

The angel explains that everyone has a clock which represents them, and for every act of adultery they commited during their lives the hand of the clock moves one hour forward. Therefore, the clock has to be reset and then will be given back to him.

Bill waits, he sees other people in the room getting their clocks, but still no sign of his. So he waits, and he waits, and he waits....

Finally the angel returns but he doesn't have a clock in his hand.

"I'm sorry", says the angel, "but it took us a while until we could find your clock".

Bill asks: "Then why didn't you bring it with you?"

To which the angel replies: "It is in God's private office. He decided to use it as a replacement for his fan which broke down."
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Old 07-12-2004, 09:59 AM   #17
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Default Re: Original Jokes

I read it somewhere:

"People in Iraq are firing sitting on donkey carts. Now is that what President Bush is talking about - Weapons of ass destructions?"
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Old 07-12-2004, 10:41 AM   #18
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Great one RonE!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!

GOod one Lalitha too!

More, more more!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-12-2004, 07:12 PM   #19
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Nice one, Lalitha

Speaking of Iraq, I saw this cartoon once where a camel had a rocket in it's mouth, it was kneeling and it's balls were on a rock, ready to be smashed by a guy with a hammer. Underneath the caption read "Iraqi scud missile".

Here's another one from my personal "arsenal":

After the Vietnam war was over, the U.S. army decided to honour it's three bravest soldiers for their outstanding service.

As a reward, each of the three would be given gold from any one part of their body they pointed to to another.

The first one says: "I want gold from the tip of my toes to the top of my head". His measurement is taken, and he receives the amount accordingly.

The second one spreads both his arm as wide as they can go and says: "I want gold from the tip of my right hand to the tip of my left hand". His measurement is also taken and he receives the gold.

The third one says: "I want gold from the tip of my prick to my balls." The guy who takes the measurement is slightly embarassed, but he instructs the soldier to take his pants off so that he can take his measurements.

To his astonishment, he finds the soldier has no balls. So he asks him "where are your balls?"

To which the soldier replies: "Ah, they're in Vietnam".
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Old 07-12-2004, 09:12 PM   #20
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Old 07-12-2004, 09:16 PM   #21
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Old 07-12-2004, 09:18 PM   #22
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Default Re: Original Jokes

Here is a nice one I picked up:

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

Last edited by elroyf : 07-12-2004 at 09:29 PM.
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Old 07-13-2004, 12:03 AM   #23
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Default Re: Original Jokes



You guys are hilarious!
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Old 07-13-2004, 03:05 AM   #24
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Someone e-mailed this to me. I don't know how 'original' it's but it's hilarious.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the onlymajor airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
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Old 07-13-2004, 04:13 AM   #25
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Default Re: Original Jokes




I should translate some jokes and post them
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Old 07-13-2004, 10:00 AM   #26
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Good one, Lee!

Last edited by RonE : 07-13-2004 at 09:01 PM. Reason: Unsavoury joke on my part
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Old 07-13-2004, 10:21 AM   #27
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RonE, that disturbed me a bit
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Old 07-13-2004, 05:25 PM   #28
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Sorry Lalitha, that was not my intention! I was refering to the U.S. cavalry and the Indians- the North American Indians (Native Americans) in the U.S. Perhaps I should have made that a bit clearer. I apologize if you were offended in any way.
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Old 07-14-2004, 05:56 AM   #29
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Anyway, just to clear the air a little bit, here's another one:

When God created man, all the parts of the body started arguing over who should be the boss of the body.

The brain said: "I control all the actions and I process all the man's thought, therefore I should be the boss"

The legs jumped in and said: "No way! We carry the man to where he wants to go. WE should be boss!"

The stomach said: "Are you guys kidding me?! I digest the food the man eats and turn it into the energy he needs to live. Without me the man wouldn't stay alive. I should be boss"

The eyes said: "You cannot be serious! Without us the man wouldn't be able to seewhere he is going, we should be boss"

The body parts continued to argue when suddenly, the asshole came up and said: "I want to be boss". The other body parts laughed and laughed and laughed so hard that the asshole became angry and closed itself up.

After a few days the brain became foggy, the legs became wobbly and couldn't move, the stomach became bloated and the eyes were unable to stay focused. Finally, the other body parts couldn't take it anymore they said to the asshole: "Ok, we'll make you boss. We'll do anything, just please open up!"

The moral of the story: You don't have to be a brain to be boss...... just an asshole!
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Old 07-14-2004, 06:29 AM   #30
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Default Re: Original Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by RonE
Sorry Lalitha, that was not my intention! I was refering to the U.S. cavalry and the Indians- the North American Indians (Native Americans) in the U.S. Perhaps I should have made that a bit clearer. I apologize if you were offended in any way.
RonE, it is okay. I was bit disturbed, but not offended in anyway. You don't have to apologize.

Okay, one from me.

"I've been seeing some spots in my eyes nowadays".

"Have you seen a doctor"?

"No, just spots."
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