[The Pro]

Can some kind soul please copy and paste it?

I can't see uncyclopedia at my stuffy workplace.

[zcess81]

Hahahhaahha...so funny!

[aeronatasha]

The following is an extract from the The secret diary of Andrew Murray, aged 20¾, a memoir written by Britain's number one tennis player, over the course of the 2008 season. Published by Braveheart Books in 2009, the work achieved moderate success, despite Murray's disastrous publicity campaign where he said those who didn't buy the book were "stupid arseholes who should fuck off to England." Murray later explained that he was joking.


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1st January 2008

Luckily I didn't have to play a match today. Who schedules a tournament over new year's? Adelaide, that's who. Anyway, as I had a day off, I was able to go to the ATP's party last night with all the losers who went out in the first round. Since it's a men's tournament there weren't many girls there, although some female players turned up, probably because they heard there was free drink. Saw Ana Ivanovic there. All the guys were crowding round her, like fat people around a pie shop. It was pathetic. Tried to help Ana out and take her to one side where we could talk alone. Most of those guys had lost in the first round, so I told her all about my win, to give her a nice a change of pace. She then went away to tell her friends about it. Nice girl. Had one glass of champagne at midnight. Tasted awful. I didn't want to throw it away, so I downed the rest in one go. Memory gets a bit hazy from then on. Weird.

2nd January 2008

Didn't get my day off today. Had to play Mardy Fish instead. Won in three sets but played an awful game. Neither of us could hold our serves. Played like a woman.

Sue Barker wasn't impressed when I told her that, but I explained and she eventually agreed that I played like a girl. Somehow I always get the feeling that Sue doesn't like me much. She certainly doesn't give me the same glowing smile she always gave Tim Henman. Maybe she thinks I'm not enough of an English gentleman. Stupid cow. In a few year's time, when I've won a couple of Wimbledon titles and reached world no. 1, she'll change her tune.

3rd January 2008

Training only today. My new coach, Leon, made me do extra running because I pointed out that nobody knows who he is. It's so unfair. I only got his name wrong once. And it's really hot in Adelaide this time of year. I shouldn't have to run in this weather. Lonnie can be such an arse sometimes.

Went back to the hotel afterwards and played Virtua Tennis on the playstation. Beat Novak Djokovic in straight sets. Good practice for our match tomorrow. He's really not that good. I'm only behind him in the rankings due to injury. Must remember to hit to his backhand more.


4th January 2008

I hate Australians. Their umpires are all fucking blind. Had Djokovic right where I wanted him, although his backhand was better today than on playstation. I was all set to prove that I'm the true young master of the sport and not him, but then the umpire went and ruined it. It was 4-4 in the final set and I hit this perfect shot down the line, but that idiot overruled the line judge and called it out. I told the moron, that if he thought the ball was out, then he was a fucking moron. Somehow, that didn't convince him to change his mind. Of course, I lost the match after that and it was all his fault. Lee told me in the locker room afterwards not to get so angry. I was perfectly calm and had every right to call the umpire a fat wanker. After all, I wasn't the one to blame. Maybe he thought I was English and hated me for it. Should have worn my Scottish flag wristband.

5th January 2008

The papers neglected to mention how much better I am than Djokovic. Typical.Am thinking about growing a beard. Haven't shaved for a couple of days and am starting to get a bit of hair there. Noticed some people admiring it today. It made me feel more manly after my girly tennis. Some patches aren't growing enough. Might have to stick to the sideburns.
The press always print a load of bollocks. Some of the newspapers had a go at me for what happened in my match yesterday, yet, somehow they let the umpire off. They're even bigger morons than him. It takes a real idiot not to know when there's this really huge idiot making an idiot of themselves right in front of them. As usual, the worst journalists were the English ones. "When is Andy Murray going to grow up?" When those pompous English hacks recognise that this Scottish kid is the best thing to come out of British sport in years. That's when.

6th January 2008

Fell over during practice today. These Australian courts are too slippery. This wouldn't happen if we were playing in Scotland. My ankle has swollen up and hurts a bit.
He gets all the girls.The doctor says it will be fine by the time I get to Melbourne. At least Louis, couldn't make me do any running.
My beard is itching. Looking good shouldn't be so uncomfortable.

7th January 2008

Jamie announced today that he'll be playing mixed doubles with Daniela Hantuchova at the Australian Open next week. It's not fair. My brother always gets the ladies. The papers say he's sleeping with her too. Will have to ask him about that. Still haven't worked up the courage to ask Ana Ivanovic to play with me. Will let my beard grow out a bit first. Watched her practice session today. Her volleys are spectacular.

Ankle size: 3 inches.

8th January 2008

Watched Jamie train with Hantuchova today. They spent their whole session laughing and joking. It was all so transparent; they're fooling no one. It was obviously all for my benefit. Jamie just had to rub it in that he has a doubles partner and I don't.

My ankle's down to 2 inches. Lenny thinks I might be able to train on it tomorrow. Must remember not to call him Leon this time. He hates that.


9th January 2008

Mum came over today for the Aussie Open. Unfortunately, she doesn't know whether Jamie is nailing Hantuchova. Instead of helping me find out, she made me tidy my room. It really wasn't that messy though. Think she was just on a power trip or something. She also made me have a shave. Apparently, I looked like a scruffy tramp. I didn't think the beard was working anyway, so I wasn't bothered about that.

Mum refused to write me a note to get me out of training today. Next time I'll ask for one before I tidy my room. Then I'll have some bargaining leverage.

Was going to ask Ana about the doubles, but discovered a spot when I shaved off my beard. Liam didn't sympathise and made me take off my scarf for training. He just doesn't understand, although he did offer to pop it. Will talk to Ana tomorrow.

10th January 2008

The draw's been made for the Australian Open. I'm in the opposite half of the draw to Djokovic. Perfect. This way I'll be able to get my revenge on him in the final, once I've beaten Roger Federer in the semis. The whole world will then hail me as the ultimate tennis wonderkid. Can't wait.

Sacked Leon. It was time for a change. Once you've been travelling the world with one person for so long, you're bound to get tired of each other.

11th January 2008

Did some publicity stuff at the local zoo. They made me hold a koala. It smelled and looked like it was on drugs or something. I asked if they could give me a less stupid animal, but they didn't seem to have any. Eventually I decided to grin and bear it. People like animal lovers. My hands stink of eucalyptus now. I couldn't talk to Ana with such stinky hands. Koalas suck.


12th January 2008

Disaster! I talked to Ana today and when I mentioned the mixed doubles she said that she'd already agreed to play with Novak Djokovic. That's a joke! I'd be a much better partner than him! I tried to explain to her about that moron umpire in Adelaide, but she was having none of it. She tried to give me some bullshit about them both being Serbian and what great friends they are, but I know the real reason she picked him. It's all because he can grow a better beard than me. It's so unfair.

Spent the evening sitting alone in my room on the playstation. All I have to do is hit to the backhand.

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/UnBooks:The_secret_diary_of_Andrew_Murray%2C_aged_ 20%C2%BE"

[KitinovRules]

This is fake as Cheater's 15 minutes medical timeout in Estoril final.

[zcess81]

Originally Posted by KitinovRules

This is fake as Cheater's 15 minutes medical timeout in Estoril final.

You really must have a sad little life. I don't remember reading a single post from you without something about Novak in it. People who live with hatred die younger...well maybe it's not such a bad thing.

[arm]

Originally Posted by zcess81

You really must have a sad little life. I don't remember reading a single post from you without something about Novak in it. People who live with hatred die younger...well maybe it's not such a bad thing.

dont even bother.. I bet he is happy always talking about djokovic..

One day, he will either shut up, or give up and become a fan.

[HNCS]

i will check out the rest of the ATP now.

[Mateya]

This one is good:
"Sue Barker wasn't impressed when I told her that, but I explained and she eventually agreed that I played like a girl. Somehow I always get the feeling that Sue doesn't like me much. She certainly doesn't give me the same glowing smile she always gave Tim Henman. Maybe she thinks I'm not enough of an English gentleman. Stupid cow. In a few year's time, when I've won a couple of Wimbledon titles and reached world no. 1, she'll change her tune.



"Spent the evening sitting alone in my room on the playstation. All I have to do is hit to the backhand."
I wouldnt be surprised if thats true

[Beat]

Originally Posted by vrishti

uncyclopedia is fake, nothing serious

oh really? thanks for pointing that out

[*Ljubica*]

I thought it was really clever and funny - thanks for posting!! I loved the Sue Barker ("stupid cow") bit too - bit of light relief after most of the cr*p that gets posted on GM these days!

[camnation]

Haha, that was very entertaining, thanks!

[aeronatasha]

Roger Federer

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Roger Federer.

Roger Federer with his smart jacket and his perfect hairBorn in Basel, Switzerland, in 1981. Roger Federer is apparently the world's best tennis player. He has been world no. 1 since February 2004 and stands head and shoulders above everyone else on the (admittedly weak and definitely not as competitive as in years gone by) men's tour. His tennis is so consistently spectacular that it is impossible not to like the bastard.

Contents
1 Early Career
2 Becoming The Best
3 Federer The Man
4 Style of Play


Early Career

Federer started playing tennis at the age of six. Rumour has it that when he first picked up his racket the grey clouds blanketing Basel that day with a November gloom were suddenly broken. The tennis courts were lit up by the most brilliant golden sunlight you could ever imagine and all the birds (some say angels) started singing beautiful music. That's bollocks though. He probably hit a double fault.

By the age of fourteen, Federer had learnt to get his serve over the net and he had become Switzerland's top junior (under-18s) player. This would have been a great achievement if all the other Swiss kids weren't focusing on their skiing and clock-making. It's not really that impressive when you consider that Martina Hingis was Swiss junior champion when she was nine or something. And she's a girl. But of course, you can only beat what's put in front of you, as Federer did, again and again, until it got boring. That's when Roger moved on to the main tour. He ended his first year on the tour as the youngest player in the top 100. All the best experts at the time agreed that Federer was pretty ok and might be an alright player some day. How right they were.

The next few years for Roger were marked by moments of brilliance, intermingled with occasions where Federer looked very ordinary indeed. The highlight was when Roger fluked a victory against a past-his-prime Pete Sampras at Wimbledon. Federer then lost to a real champion in Tim Henman at the quarter final stage. Henman lost in the semis.

Becoming The Best

By 2003, Federer had established a reputation as the most talented player to consistently choke on the big stage - spectacularly so. Then at Wimbledon that year, something amazing happened. He got through the first round. Barely able to believe his luck, Federer almost didn't notice that he was still in the tournament at the end of the second week, having seen the draw open up before him. The Swiss somehow ended up in the final against Mark Philippoussis, where he played the match of his life. Everything he tried came off. Luck really was on his side that July afternoon.

As that final ball hit the net, Federer dropped to his knees and all those years of emotions came out. Collecting the trophy, Federer could hold back no more and he started crying, like a little girl. Sue Barker battled bravely to get through the on-court interview, but she could do little to hide her contempt for the blubbering wreck that stood before her. Federer lost the respect of a lot of people that day and gained a lot of pity. Let's hope the trophy was worth it.

Federer The Man
“I don't have many friends on tour, apart from those I know from the juniors. And Roger Federer. He always makes the effort to say hello.”
~ Andy Murray
No Andy! Can't you see that you're falling into his vicious web of deceit?!

Federer loves kids. Yeah, right.Almost everyone who meets Roger Federer agrees that he is one of the nicest men you will ever meet. Don't be fooled. This is merely the result of his extreme competitiveness. Not satisfied with being the best racquetsmith on the tour, he must also be seen as the best person - a person with lovely hair. So, his kind and personable exterior is merely another passive-aggressive way to make all the other players look bad.

Many of the top tennis players have attempted to redress the gulf between their reputation for niceness and "Roger's". Rafael Nadal started wearing hilariously long shorts, Marat Safin pulled down his shorts at the French Open, Lleyton Hewitt tried to ingratiate himself with the public by not winning so often and Russia's Nikolay Davydenko attempted to break into a smile during the ABN AMRO World Tennis Tournament in Rotterdam. That one just creeped people out, however. Andy Roddick went furthest in promoting himself as a nice guy, heroically saving several guests from a fire at his hotel. However, this backfired when his agent talked to focus groups. They felt that he was just showing off and the brash American's ego didn't need any more stroking. He also wears too many baseball caps.

Style of Play

Roger Federer's game is based around his big forehand, which is one of the best shots in tennis. His game's pretty one-dimensional, really. Without the forehand, he'd be nothing. You could just hit to his right hand side and you'd win every point. I'd like to see him hit a backhand winner from there. So a forehandless Federer would be useless. Except for the serve, of course, that's really accurate and reliable. Without the forehand and the serve, what would you really have? A backhand and some volleys, that's what. His volleys are vastly overrated. They're not the best in the world. They're merely in the top ten, which makes them sort of okay.

So there you go. If Federer couldn't hit his forehand, his serve or any volleys, he'd be in a lot of trouble. As we all know, he has a decent backhand, but if you can somehow manage to consistently hit the ball deep and make it bounce up high to shoulder height, then he might not hit a winner every time. Then you've got him right where you want him.

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Roger_Federer"

[aeronatasha]

“I sued Rafael Nadal for messing up my nose job”


~ Michael Jackson on Rafael Nadal
“Im not just a man, not just a pig, not just a flying space monkey. I am manbearpignose ”


~ Rafael Nadal on Himself
“I also sued him for messing up my nose job”


~ Roger Federer on Rafael Nadal

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Rafael_Nadal

[Herdwick]

Great stuff - worth a giggle. How long before this thread turns nasty.

[Labamba]

thanks for posting