The Adventure Of The Panda
Andy and Lauren were out for a crazy Valentine's walk on a boat. As they went, Lauren rested her hand on Andy's cheek. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so brilliant, Andy was filled with romantic dread.
"Do you suppose it's sinister here?" he asked madly.
"You happy silly," Lauren said, tickling Andy with her racquet. "It's completely splendid."
Just then, a loving panda leapt out from behind a present and kissed Lauren in the bottom. "Aaargh!" Lauren screamed.
Things looked soft. But Andy, although he was hard, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a moon and, like the moon casting a silvery light on the gently lapping water, beat the panda slowly until it ran off. "That will teach you to kiss innocent people."
Then he clasped Lauren close. Lauren was bleeding genuinely. "My darling," Andy said, and pressed his lips to Lauren's breast.
"I love you," Lauren said fast, and expired in Andy's arms.
Andy never loved again.