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Naudio Spanlatine 04-21-2012 09:58 PM

Daddy why dont you love me?
I feel like the more i want my dad to realized how much i want to love him more and to appreciate him, the more i just realized that he will never be the loving dad i always wanted him to be. Ever since i was in my mom's belly my dad was on drugs, i was born impaired which was the fact that i had a speech delay. My dad was so controlling and so demanding that he thinks that what he did to my mom and to my brothers and to me this only girl and disabled child that he was right and all but the truth is, it has left this family living a lie and scarred for life. My mom told me that my dad has messed up so much in our lives. That he really didnt want to take care of you, he wasnt there for you for 2 years of your life. So thats why i was sent to my auntie Vanessa's house to live with her for 3 years because of the fact that my dad never wanted to take care of me and to love me. In elementary i kept begging him to help me with homework and begging him to take me to the park with him to play basketball, but all he wants to do is do drugs and hang out with his friends. And here i am as a disabled child dont have daddy to love me and support me the way a daddy should do. Here my mom is doing all the work and trying her best to love me and support me more while my daddy doesnt wanna do anything for anybody but himself. In middle school and high school my anger with him escalated. Hes yelling at me calling me names telling me stupid things that i should not here. He was so harsh to me at times where i was trying to tell him that im not feeling well mentally. I would wanna rebel against him. But i wasnt the type of person to do that. Im more of a person who lets the other person win instead of me defending myself. I didnt have that many friends in school, people look at me weird. Even in church i wasnt really liked there at all by people because i was too quiet and too weird. So in middle school and high school i would isolate myself from the world, i didnt wanna do anything with anybody. I was becoming more suicidal year after year, being negitive to myself and harming myself mentally and let others ruin me and letting them control me with their pity foolishness. I wanted my dad to be there for me. But even though he would hug me, i knew it was a lie, the moment he hug me i knew it was a lie, he never hug me like this when i was young. He would treat my mom with disrespect and do it in front of me and my brothers and my grandparents too. But in 2003, when i was 14, my auntie whom took care of me when i was 3-5 years old, died of cancer when i was 14. She was like a second mother to me and took care of me better than my dad. My auntie hated my dad for what he did to his family, and put them through suffer of his dirty deeds. At the time of my auntie's death i didnt think it was real, i always loved my auntie, but i never thought that she would die the way she did. I was sad very sad. I then isolated myself from my friends and family. I remember that i was told by my counselor in 2007 that i couldnt walk the stage because i didnt have enough credits to walk the stage. That was one of my dreams was to walk the stage with a cap and gown and say i achieved something in my life. I had to do so much work because of my fall back in 11th grade that put me behind in credit, i injured my ankle for stupid reasons. My dad wasnt there of course to understand what i was going through, he never asked me what happen to you in school did anybody treat you ok or just how are you feeling? It makes me so frustrated that this guy sits in the house not doing anything for us and hasnt even said sorry. But in March of 2011, we decided to leave him for good. My mom was sick and tired of his nonsense and his foolishness and his disrespectfulness towards the whole family. Today this day my mom was on the phone with my dad because he called to just talk to my mom. I was in my mom's room trying to help her out with something. Mom told me to say hi to your dad. I did say hi to him, but he replied and said "You didnt wanna say hi to me, if you did you wouldve said hi to me a long time ago". Yes i didnt say hi to him in a long time, but its hard for me to talk to him because of the pain and suffering i had to endure with this man. He and i relationship has crumbled. I wanted to say that you dont know what its like to be in my shoes, you dont know how much you hurt my family and me especially, im the only girl with a disability that you have and you never loved me the way i wanted you to love me. You never supported me in the hard times i had. You never even thought about me. My mom told me that when you called her you never asked how the whole family including me was doing. How the hell am i suppose to talk to a person if you dont ask how a person is doing? How the hell am i suppose to talk to you about my situation and the depression that i have right now and you fire back at me with a disrespectful response. I had to tell myself, "Dee maybe you should expect your father to not say hi to you in a nice way, your father doesnt love you. He said to people that his family was living a perfect life and we love each other so much. But it was all a lie and you will never be healed from the pain and lie we lived."

Daddy, why dont you love me, i dont understand, what have i ever done to you?

Time Violation 04-21-2012 10:13 PM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
That's really tough. I guess some people are simply bad parents, just not fit for the job. At least you have your mom and your siblings there for you :)

Punky 04-21-2012 10:19 PM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
wow, i need a moment to breath.
sometimes we are born to the wrong ppl and in the wrong times, theres so much we know but more things we dont know.
i know you want answers but sadly im not sure you will get them, maybe later on when ur dad is clean and will understand what he did and how deep it goes.
he lost so much times, dear dear time with his little girl, time that he will never get back.
i hope each time and every hour that pass by you get stronger and stronger, try working on your own self believe that its not YOU its HIM.
your not the problem and it has nothing to do with u, its the drugs, they just eat your body and soul when u let them.

live on, carry on, find and Cherish ppl you love AND LOVE U BACK ppl who you care and respect and PPL WHO CARE AND RESPECTS YOU.

donr mind what others think of you b/c "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

one day you will find your love and you will have ur family and u will give them all the love u never got.

Certinfy 04-21-2012 10:41 PM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
Oh Dee. :hug: That's really sad to hear and I've felt the same with my dad, but I guess it's life and if he doesn't love you then there's nothing you can do and to be fair nothing you should even try to do, just be yourself, enjoy what you have and be happy. I mean look first things first the pair of you can always try to resolve things, but if that doesn't work then just fuck it, it's hard considering he's still in your life (well kind of is) but just forget about him if you can, just don't imagine he's your father and move on, if he doesn't love you there's no reason you should love him back or even know him I say. To me biology means nothing in this sense if there's no love, nothing at all.

(By the way completely off topic but you might want to break that down into some paragraphs, was a pain for me and I'm sure many others to read, but for you Dee there's no reason I wouldn't read it. :hug:)

Ben. 04-21-2012 11:52 PM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
Dee :hug: That was upsetting to read, especially as you always seem so jovial. Though your avatar certainly made things uh... easier :eek::lol:

While I can't say I've been in your situation, I've certainly never had a good relationship with my father, when I had one at all that is. He is a very unpleasant person and it was always a great source of stress for me, until I told him to fuck off, anyway. Though I suppose it is difficult for you to forget about him if he is still in contact with your mother.

Johnny Groove 04-22-2012 12:08 AM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
57 Attachment(s)
Dee, baby :hug:

At least you know you have people on MTF who love you :D

Like me and plenty of others :smooch:

Clay Death 04-22-2012 12:13 AM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
hang in there dee. and hang tough

you will always have your friends at the castle to be by your side.

and all the others at mtf.

life deals us these strange cards at times. just be the best you can be and rest should fall in place.

stay positive.

Filo V. 04-22-2012 12:32 AM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
OMG, this is so deep, Dee. I feel for you so much. The best thing for me to say is, that you deserve so much better and your dad isn't really your dad. Period, he's not a father. He may have created you, but that alone doesn't make you a father. Don't ever let him affect your personal happiness, your self-worth. Don't allow him to dictate how you feel. That's what he wants, power and control over you. It's why he is manipulating you and trying to hold your understandable negativity about him over your head. To guilt trip you. Don't allow him that. Dust his ass of your shoulders, Dee, you're too fabulous and he's not worth any tear you shed or any pain you feel. Tell yourself, you know what, this man doesn't respect me? Well, fuck him. And keep it moving, because you do have a lot of people who genuinely care for you.

Kat_YYZ 04-22-2012 12:43 AM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
Oh, Dee... sorry to hear about your family troubles. :hug:

You know, sometimes we expect our parents to have it all figured out and the truth is they are just screwed up people. Maybe they lack communication skills and coping skills, and they make a mess of their relationships. Especially a parent-child relationship, where it's not equal and there's so much responsibility.

Your dad might be too screwed up - either from drugs or psychological issues. He may be too consumed with guilt for not having been there for his family. Some people turn the guilt on themselves, but some can't handle that, go into denial and turn it on others. The worst thing about not being there for your kids when they were small is that you can never go back in time and fix it. This realization is too much for some people; they figure "it's too late" so why go through the anguish of confronting the painful past when you can't fix it? Of course, that's unhealthy and keeps everyone stuck, but fear and denial are strong motivators in some people's behaviour.

But if someone makes you feel like you're not worthy of love because they don't give it to you, you have to remember that sometimes that says more about how screwed up they are than anything about you. That person is not some perfect judge, impartially assessing your value. They're an imperfect human being: all their pre-conceived ideas, fears and insecurities are motivating how they treat you, not anything you did.

Topspindoctor 04-22-2012 01:18 AM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?

Gagsquet 04-22-2012 01:19 AM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
Not the right place.

emotion 04-22-2012 01:29 AM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
Absentee parents suck. I've met my father once (granted, he did request an impressive one day of custody annually, which he was denied) . But you can't help your parents, it's not your fault

BroTree123 04-22-2012 01:44 AM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
That was tough to digest (in more ways than one) :sad:. I really don't know what to say except....sorry :hug:. I like, literally, have no words. I can relate to this.

I have a dilemma too with my parents as well in regards to "loving" their own sons and daughters :sad:. All I can say is, I have this massive rift between me and my parents. It's a shame they don't understand the real nature of parenting. They are (my dad especially) obnoxious, uncivilized, dirty and shows no respect or curtesy whatsoever. All my mum does is yell at me and keep reminding me of irrelevant shit, thinking that I'm still like 3 years old. There's never a time my parents believed in me, just berated me for everything I did....I even got abused when I was 5-6. It's incredible tough to say but I really do hate my dad with a passion. My mum, not so much, but my fury with her exists. I've tried suggesting counselling with them but they just I'm a stupid, crazy fool who thinks that's more evidence of my "stupidity" and my "uselessness". I wish they'd love me, but they can't accept it. And neither can I. That's why I am who I am today.

But I try and shrug it off, keep fighting through everyday no matter how hard it is to deal with these sick people. Sometimes I feel like they aren't even my parents...I'm probably a foster child...but I guess that's how things are. To be honest, I'm learning a good lesson in this and I'm taking positives out of it. Helps me with my patience, helps me to become kinder, more of a listener. They are models of who no one else SHOULD be. Rafa says "It's the moment to keep fighting".

I cherish the day when I finally find independence and start a whole new life on my own. Because sadly, I've given up on them.

viruzzz 04-22-2012 06:56 AM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
Oh Dee... :hug:

Arkulari 04-22-2012 07:54 AM

Re: Daddy why dont you love me?
Dee, honey :hug:

Some people should never reproduce, the fact that you can conceive doesn't mean you're fit to be a parent and that's the case with your dad.

Hang in there, it's not your fault and is his loss, he misses knowing and loving you.

Now if anyone trolls in this thread, they are a piece of s****, there are countless other threads where you can do it, this is not the place.

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