Furious Dunblanians blast Murray.
President of Egypt Hosni Mubarek has called for an end to the rioting, looting, protests and general chaos affecting the Scottish town of Dunblane this morning, telling reporters that 'he's never seen anything like it-those Hamishes need to calm the fuck down'.
Ever since (M)Andy Murray was thrashed by Novak 'joker' Djokovic in the final of the Australian Open, residents of the Scottish village have taken up their torches (because they use all the electricity to work the TV) and formed an angry mob to await the British number one's homecoming.
According to parish priest Jock Strap, much of the fury seems to stem from...
"Having to git up early in da mornin' only tae be leet doon so badly. I meen 8am fer a tennis match. Nae wonder Andy looked so tired and the rest of us are right pissed like.I coulda been in me bead! Aye."
Local drunkard Duncan Disorderlea echoed these views:
"Most didnae git enough sleep last night. Well me, I stayed up al night drinking like a always do but I was still pissed cuz I stopped meeself from faaling asleep in me own vomit as usual bit turns oot I wouldnae have missed a ting. That scruffy bastard Murray-done nothing wi' his life and brought the shame tae oor wee toon. Aye."
Mrs. Anita Bath, Dunblane's beautician, was similarly irked.
"Well that young un Andy's git a loot of explainin' tae do. Me I haddae ring the town church bell tae wake e'erbody up at 8 and turns oot it wasnae worth dae effort. I blew me back oot fer that rubbish! Aye."
Mr. Weir-Dough, the local exorcist, says Andy might be sacrificed when he returns home.
"We need tae sacrafice fer the crops and looks like wee Andy well just hiddee do. Twice in a row we haddae rise early and twice in a row he's fucked it up and left us shamed a him. I meen, the town council wasted the toon's funds on a TV specially fer the match and it was shite like. Elena Baltacha-now there's a player. Aye."
Local prostitute Hilda Mount says that Murray cost her money last night.
"Naebody was oot late last night tae shag mee cuzz o that ugly bastard Muggay. E'erbody was in der bed. I need tae turn tricks tae keep me daddy Herman happy. He should gimme some of his money when he comes back-he dinnae deserve it, sure what didae do? Get fucked in the arse? Sure I do that every night love."
Many observers have said that Murray's limp straight sets defeat was the biggest early morning massacre of a Dunblane resident since...
But let's not go there.