Gaston Gaudio is Natalie Dechy!
Ye, ‘tis I, ze mercurial Frenchman, ze upholder of truth and dignity. I have scoured ze
depths, ze darkest recess, ze habitat of sleaze and depravity.
Crowd asks, “Monica Lewinsky’s diary?”
Nay, nay, something more sinizter, more shocking, something which shall rock ze world
to itz very base; something which shall corrupt ze innocent and leave ze foulest taste.
Be warned, my children, thine eyes may not survive ze grotesque once gazed upon....
’Twas a midnight dreary, az I wandered weak and weary, mine eyez were left bleary,
and so I remarked, “Oh deary.”
When Lo! What doth my pupils perceive? Are mine senses suspect? Doth mine eyes
deceive? What strange alluring aspect!
’Twas a man in a lady’s frock! Who scampered when beholding I! Curious, with mine
lantern, to solve ze riddle I vied...
“What ails thee?” I enquired, enlightening ze gloomy hovel.
“Nothing, Grosjean the Great.” he replied, curtly, hiz back to me.
“Ah, so thou knoweth of my greatness! Unveil thyself! Deliver thy visage at once!”
"It is I, Grosjean the Great.”
“Gaston Gaudio! But why...”
“No, Great one. There is no Gaston Gaudio. Gaston Gaudio is a shameful sordid lie.
Gaston Gaudio is a woman...injected with testosterone.”
“Ah! Then ze rumours were true.”
“Yes, great one, Gaston Gaudio is…”
“Yes, yes...I'm sorry.”
Nathalie Dechy/Gaston Gaudio hangs her/his head in shame.
“But why, Nathalie, why did you succumb to ze Devils ways?”
“I was sick of being a solid unspectacular performer in the woman’s game,
who got her ass whupped by the elite. I wanted out, Grosjean, out of that
trench of near success, that pit of despair and decay, that web of
torturous spiders, that lair of…”
“Okay, okay, I get ze point!”
“There, there, my petal. Thou are penitent for thy escapadez in ze evil empire, for thy
dabble in ze black arts, and hence; I forgive thee wholly. Go in peace and err no more.”
“Oh Grosjean the Great, how can I ever thank you?”
“By heeding ze lesson we have learned from Amelie, - injecting thyself with testosterone
iz no guarantee of happiness and sweet success. Now come child, it iz a cold night
with rain unrelenting. Let’s retire to mine chambers, where we shall sip hot cocoa and
rejoice! *Whispers* “Mine wife will not be home for hours.”
“Oh Grosjean, you are naughty!”
Grosjean the Great and his mistress fade into ze nocturne.
Guillermo Coria pops out of a garbage can, where he had been eavesdropping.
“Wait a minute, does this mean I lost a two set lead and the French Open title to Nathalie Dechy?”