The Joaquin Appreciation Thread #1

23- #Error#

24- Enter maximum amount

25- Cross fingers

26- Take cash

27- Go back to the car

28- Check make-up in rear mirror

29- Look for keys in handbag

30- Start car

31- Drive 50 meters

32- STOP

33- Drive back to bank machine

34- Go out of the car

35- Take card back from machine

36- Go back to the car

We are way ahead of schedule :yeah:

37- Throw card on passenger seat

38- Check make-up in rear mirror

39- Manually check haircut

40- Go into roundabout - wrong way

41- BREAK

42- Go into roundabout - right way

43- Drive 5 kilometers

44- Release hand break

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

Premature celebration :aparty: Better than a premature :tape:

People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 yo.

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

The average housefly lives for one month.

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

Why pay for college when you can get all you need right here ;)

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

I'd drink that, they should just do honest advertising.

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Some "assicons":

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

Too fast for me today. My multitask skills are dropping.

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass hole

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

( _ E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

( _ E=mc2_) a smart ass

:haha:

:haha:
;)

I really need to win this tourney I'm in right now. The 25k would be sweet :D

Mando -too funny
JG- what are you betting on now?

Mando -too funny
JG- what are you betting on now?

Playing some online poker today. Made a little bit in the morning, now playing in a random tourney, 25k to the winner.

Playing some online poker today. Made a little bit in the morning, now playing in a random tourney, 25k to the winner.

Wow that is a quick hunk of change! Good luck then!

Becky, I am enjoyin all this coffee info because I am a Tea person. Why are you enjoying it sweetie? Are you planning to marry a Saudi guy? ;)


nah, just think it is interesting :p

I really need to win this tourney I'm in right now. The 25k would be sweet :D

Good Luck.

Have a new project too. Will PM all of you later for some advice. :)

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaved toddler was Ms. Robertson's son!

Carl Truman, a 19-year-old man from Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hub caps.

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaved toddler was Ms. Robertson's son!

True story?

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaved toddler was Ms. Robertson's son!

If this is true I think that I will be sick :rolleyes: But I bet they are true.

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.
He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He
sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was
shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, was awarded $113,500. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

http://www.armchairempire.com/images/classics/larry-7/larry-7-love-sail-1.jpg

If this is true I think that I will be sick :rolleyes: But I bet they are true.

I got those from a friend, way back, in an e-mail, inviting me to move to the states. He was asking for any suggestions we might have to earn a Stella Award. :lol:

The Stella Awards

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous lawsuits in the United States.

LOL! Well move to the states anyway even if some of the folk here have no scruples!!!

Hello again my dear friends!!!! :)

jackie: GL with Poker :yeah:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

LOL! Well move to the states anyway even if some of the folk here have no scruples!!!
:yeah:

Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed, and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this new suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicles.

I'm about to be ready to tell you the wonderful story of Massaoud the cobbler

I'm about to be ready to tell you the wonderful story of Massaoud the cobbler


cannot wait, the anticipation has been building for hours :p

Massaoud the cobbler (Sahat al Zein)

This is the story of a cobbler who was really weird...

His name was Massaoud, he had a hut , he was working and sleeping in it.

But that was normal... Everybody was living the same way...

But when somebody was bringing shoes to repair....

Massaoud was taking the shoe... he was driving a nail in it... He was climbing on the hill near his hut... He was staring at the sky...

And then he was going down back to his hut... was driving another nail in the shoe... climbing on the hill ... staring at the sky...

going back down to his hut... driving a nail in the shoe...

And so on, all day long...

People of the village say that he has not always been like that... They say that a long time ago, Massaoud was like everybody...

He was waking up in the morning... Was climbing on the hill... Making his prayers...

And since he was not married, He was asking God to send him a wife...

And then he was going back to his hut working all the day like everybody...

But there was one day, while Massaoud was doing his prayer, a huge eagle caught him by the shoulders...

The eagle went through a desert... then a sea... another desert... another sea...

And let Massaoud at the entrance of a town...

That was a town that Massaoud didnot know...

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaved toddler was Ms. Robertson's son!


That's so outrageous it has to be true :eek:

But the town was beautiful...

Massaoud started to walk...

In a street, he saw two persons meeting each other...

And the two persons told each other "Sahat al Zein"...

that could be translated by "This is wonderful"...

And Massaoud told himself: "This is probably their way to say hello to each other..."

He continued to walk...

In a street, he saw a butcher's shop and a woman entering the butcher's shop...

The woman took some meat and said "Sahat al Zein, Sahat al Zein, Sahat al Zein, Sahat al Zein, Sahat al Zein" five times...

And the woman went out of the shop with the meat in her hands...

And Massaoud started to be a bit sceptical...

He continued to walk in another street and saw a cobbler like him...

He saw a man entering at the cobbler's...

The man took the new shoes and said "Sahat al Zein, Sahat al Zein, Sahat al Zein..." 20 times...

And the man went out of the shop with the new shoes in his hands...

And Massaoud was getting really really confused...

Massaoud went in the cobbler's shop and said : "Well, I'm a stranger... I 've just arrived in this town and since this morning I only see weird things happening.."

The other cobbler said: "But what did you see?"

Massaoud answered : "Well, since this morning I see people buying things without paying... People don't pay..."

The other cobbler said : "But what do you mean, they don't pay???..."

Massaoud said: "I saw this last man taking the shoes..."

The cobbler burst out laughing...

And said: "This man paid the price... The cost of these shoes was 20 "Sahat al Zein", the man said 20 "Sahat al Zein"...

Massaoud said: "But what about money???"

The other answered: "Ah no... in this town, in this town we don't need money..."

"Everybody buys and everybody sells by saying "Sahat al Zein" "

Massaoud, who was a bit mistrustful, said to the other cobbler: "So now, if I go to the bakery and I say 20 Sahat al Zein, I'll be given a cake???"

"No... You have not understood... You go to the bakery: You say two times Sahat al Zein, you get a cake..."

"You say one Sahat al Zein... you get an apple, an orange or a banana."

Massaoud said: "But that's wonderful!!! Can I stay in this town?"

The cobbler answered : "Of course, you can. Everybody can... there is only one condition: In this town, everybody buys what he needs, not less, not more..."

"If you need two apples, you buy two apples... not three or there won't be enough for the other people but not one too..."

"If you need one bread, you buy one... not two not a half...And you'll be allowed to stay as long as you want"

Massaoud said: "There is still one problem... I'm a cobbler too... Is there a job for me in this town?"

The other told him : "Really , you fall from the sky... I have so much work to do that you can stay here working with me..."

And Massaoud accepted...

And started to work the very same day...

He hired a little house that he used to leave early in the morning...

He was working til noon and then to the market to buy his food ...

Jerome I am dying here.....

And go back home...

Jerome I am dying here.....


:lol: I was just thinking the same

Massaoud was happy...

He was happy like that for a year...

After a year, one day he arrived at his work a bit embarassed...

And his boss, who had became his friend in the meantime, asked him : "What's happening to you, Massaoud?"

"You want to go back to your country?"

Massaoud said: "Oh no, not at all!! I'm so happy in this town that I want to marry a woman..."

"But I don't know the tradition here and I don't know how it works..."

The other said: "But Massaoud you know, in this town, everything is very simple.."

"In the town, every young woman who wants to marry with a man goes to the beach every thursday..."

"They walk there with a pitcher full of water on their head"

"On next thursday, go to the beach Massaoud... If there is one young woman you really like, go talk to her and ask her some water.."

"If the woman gives you water to drink, that means she agrees to marry you"

"If not, you have to find another one"

Massaoud waited until Thursday...

He picked his most beautiful clothes and went to the beach...

There were lots of young women there walking...

They were all very beautiful...

And there was one girl that Massaoud really liked...

He came to her, started to talk to her ...

And Massaoud who was really shy, dared to ask her some water...

And the young woman accepted...

So Massaoud and the young woman got married...

Massaoud hired a bit bigger house but kept his habits...

He was leaving his house in the morning, working until noon, going to the market and back home...

But one day Massaoud had finished to work... and on the market, he saw a huge fish, a wonderful fish...

He thought: " That's extraordinary... with this fish, my wife will make me some very good meals..."

"I will eat some, night and day, for at least three weeks..."

He asked the seller: "How much does this fish cost?"

The seller answered: "Be careful, this fish is huge and costs 50 "Sahat al Zein""

And Massaoud couldn't stop himself...

He started to say "Sahat al Zein, Sahat al Zein,Sahat al Zein, Sahat al Zein..."

And when he had finished to say 50 times Sahat al Zein, the seller told him:"This fish is yours, you can take it..."

Massaoud took the fish...

The fish was so big that Massaoud had to carry the fish on his head...

But he was so happy thinking of all the meals his wife will make for him...

That even before arriving back home he was calling for his wife...

When the wife opened the door and saw Massaoud with this huge fish on his head, she said:

"Poor Massaoud, you didn't have the right to do that..."

"In this town, everybody buys what he needs, never less, never more..."

" and this fish is so big that it could feed tens of families when we are only two people..."

"In this city, you're not allowed to do that..."

As soon as his wife had finished her speech, the eagle was back and caught Massaoud by the shoulders...

Went through a sea, a desert, another sea, another desert and let Massoud in front of his old hut...

And people of the village say that's since this day that Massaoud drives a nail in the shoe, climbs on the hill, stares at the sky...

goes back down to his hut, drives a nail, climbs on the hill, stares at the sky...

But the eagle,

the eagle never came back...

This story is finished...

:angel:

well, that took awhile....

Jerome? Can I come back now?

Jerome? Can I come back now?


:haha: was not a bad story :)

Probably not but when your head is bigger than your body and on fluid overload- one's attention span is short

Well not the kind of reactions I expected but hey that makes some more posts for this thread...

Sorry if I took the thread in hostage.

Well not the kind of reactions I expected but hey that makes some more posts for this thread...

Sorry if I took the thread in hostage.

No it was fine. It is me. But holding threads hostage seems to be a common concern lately ;)

No it was fine. It is me. But holding threads hostage seems to be a common concern lately ;)

Tell me about it. :rolleyes:

wtf happened here? Missed another milestone :smash:

wtf happened here? Missed another milestone :smash:

:p

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead

Here's a toast to your enemies' enemies! :drink:

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

You must live with a person to know a person. If you want to know me come and live with me. - it is an Irish Proverb not an invite :ras:

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead

Amen :angel:

A cough releases an explosive charge of air that moves at speeds up to 60 mph.

You must live with a person to know a person. If you want to know me come and live with me. - it is an Irish Proverb not an invite :ras:

:sad: I thought we were all happy living together.

Guys, any of you have people on a blacklist for no-rep-back? :mad: And what is your criteria?

A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months

Ok I am definitely having trouble with the MSN messenger service. Does anyone know which thread Sol gave me that infomation in? Was it the Den? I am really exhausted today :eek:

for jackie :

A healthy individual releases 3.5 oz. of gas in a single flatulent emission, or about 17 oz. in a day.

:lol:

:sad: I thought we were all happy living together.

Guys, any of you have people on a blacklist for no-rep-back? :mad: And what is your criteria?


We are happy, I think ;)

Hmm...not really a black list that I know of, you?

According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.

:haha:

We are happy, I think ;)

Hmm...not really a black list that I know of, you?

No, not yet, but am thinking of creating one. ;)

No, not yet, but am thinking of creating one. ;)


i hope I am not on it :scared: tennischick never repped me back, and a few others, but I usually just dont rep them anymore :p

According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.

:haha:

That's a very offensive and racist post.

:lol:

Most men have erections every hour to hour and a half during sleep

That's a very offensive and racist post.

:lol:


:haha:

On average women say 7,000 words per day. Men manage just over 2000 :lol:

this is sad....

The average duration of sexual intercourse for humans is 2 minutes

i hope I am not on it :scared: tennischick never repped me back, and a few others, but I usually just dont rep them anymore :p

Many did not rep me back but I did not expect them to. Most of those are tennis related rep and usually they don't rep back unless you overwhelm them with a knock out post, which is not very often. :D

I was thinking about people who really care about this rep stuff, are very eager to get a good rep, claim they rep back, but don't ptactice what they preach. I usually consider them out after 3 strikes. :)

My problem is I keep forgetting who they are. :rolleyes:

:lol: just look for the rep whores, I know a few :rolleyes:

The human brain is about 85% water

The average human body contains enough: iron to make a 3 inch nail, sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog, carbon to make 900 pencils, potassium to fire a toy cannon, fat to make 7 bars of soap, phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads, and water to fill a ten-gallon tank.

Ok since we are chatting here- I have downloaded but my internet security system isn;t letting me in so I am exasperated with this. So - 2 minutes you say on average? Holy ....

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Anyone wants to be a pig in his/her next life?)

you are trying to get MSN?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee. (Worth it?)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Anyone wants to be a pig in his/her next life?)


:haha: no....

The average human body contains enough: iron to make a 3 inch nail, sulfur to kill all fleas on an average dog, carbon to make 900 pencils, potassium to fire a toy cannon, fat to make 7 bars of soap, phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads, and water to fill a ten-gallon tank.

Will I get paid if I donnate all this?

you are trying to get MSN?

I have it downloaded but it won't recognize me to chat- says that I am not connected to the internet.

ugh, I know nothing about computers, I have been trying to give jg a virus for mnths but cannot figure it out :ras:

kidding

for jackie :

A healthy individual releases 3.5 oz. of gas in a single flatulent emission, or about 17 oz. in a day.

:lol:

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (That's more like it)

I have it downloaded but it won't recognize me to chat- says that I am not connected to the internet.

Try to find "connect" in file or tools and click it even if you are connected.

ugh, I know nothing about computers, I have been trying to give jg a virus for mnths but cannot figure it out :ras:

kidding

Leave it to me. :aplot:

Not kidding. :haha:

Leave it to me. :aplot:

Not kidding. :haha:


:haha: sometimes muffins just arent enough eh?

:haha: sometimes muffins just arent enough eh?

Smart girl. ;)

Dr. Seuss wrote "Green Eggs and Ham" after his editor dared him to write a book using fewer than 50 different words

Frank Baum named "Oz" after a file cabinet in his office. One cabinet was labeled "A to N," and the second was labeled "O to Z."

Smart girl. ;)


people keep telling me that ;)

Ok I think I go it now! Mandoura you are now on my contact list- so does this mean we can chat at some point? Cool

I believe you got it :)

I am bored :rolleyes:

Yep and on that note I have to leave. :-(

oh, well see ya later :wavey:

think I will leave also, bye bye :wavey:

I am bored :rolleyes:

Write your name on a piece of paper and then tear it up. :)

It usually works for me. I am ready to shoot myself afterwards. ;)

ive been ready to shoot myself for hours ;)

please send me a muffin and end my misery :lol:

my friend made a cake, should work as well

:wavey:

:wavey: :hug: