Hating Yourself... [Archive] - MensTennisForums.com

Hating Yourself...

Certinfy
06-04-2011, 11:53 PM
I know this isn't the exact place to share my 'personal' problems, but from past experiences you guys on this forum have really helped me in more way than one.

Anyway so I was born just over 20 years ago now and well I have a few older brothers and an older sister and my mother always wanted another girl and sadly I was a boy. As time went on a few years later my mother went on to have another child with my father and this time thankfully for them she gave birth to a girl, my little sister. Sadly though when my sister was being born my mother was told they could either save her or the baby, and she saved the baby.

I was only a kid at this time, and to be honest I don't even remember my mother at all but my dad always blamed me for this, blamed me for reasons I never even understood, I still to this day don't know what I did wrong, but sometimes I tell myself that it is my fault. I mean if I was a girl I could possibly be in a happy family environment, but I'm not.

So yeah my dad's hatred of me got worse over time and it eventually wore off on older brother and sister, both used to hate me, didn't talk to me, didn't even refer to me as their brother, I'm not saying everything I did was perfect but I didn't do anything that bad to deserve this much hatred from them, however my other brother and younger sister were okay to me.

I ended up leaving home and tried my best to forget about my childhood but it never worked, every day I find myself blaming myself for everything that happened, my family fell apart and although I kept telling myself it wasn't my fault, deep done inside me I know it is.

Recently I've spoken to my brother and sister that was okay to me and well every time I talk to them I get the sense of them not wanting to know me, and maybe that's for the better? Do I really need them in my life any more?

Financially wise even at my age I'm more than okay due to me getting my trust fund and many possessions from what my mother left me but none of this really makes up for anything. I still have no idea why my dad blames me for what happened to my mother (maybe there's more into it? I've always got the feeling maybe he wasn't my father?) but it hurts so much.

I blame myself all the time and I can't get over it, I cry to myself all the time just thinking about it, even in the past I used to self harm myself just to get myself to think of the physical pain I was in rather than the mental pain I still have, I've even thought about suicide, it's as if no one loves me or has ever loved me.

Even now when I see families all happily together and stuff it just reminds me of what a happy family I could have had, but never happened. It's not only that it's just my mental state is so much in the state of I might as well just fuck around with life now as the best thing that can ever happen to me is die, I'm trying to study and go to university and get a job I really like but all the time the thought of it being a joke and a waste of time due to me being a nobody comes to play.

Anyway I'm not doing this to gain attention and not what, but I just want to know any ways you guys might have of getting over this? I've tried everything I can think of but it just doesn't work, it's just affecting my life so much at the moment I don't really even know what to do, or even if I should do anything about it.

Sonja1989
06-05-2011, 12:23 AM
Oh ouch Jason. I'm sorry. :hug: :hug:

You have to know you made nothing wrong. Please don't blame yourself! You have to forget it immediately.

Well if your brother and sister was okay to you then I guess you should talk with them, just bravely.

Arkulari
06-05-2011, 12:29 AM
Jase :hug:
We'll talk later ok? just let me know if you need anything :) :kiss:

ExcaliburII
06-05-2011, 12:29 AM
Not much to say.
Day to day life, find small things that make you happy and build up from there. :hug:

Garson007
06-05-2011, 12:30 AM
Sadly though when my sister was being born my mother was told they could either save her or the baby, and she saved the baby.
Sorry to sidetrack your thread, but I never quite understood such decisions. Surely a life already loved is worth more than a potential life.

Ibracadabra
06-05-2011, 12:49 AM
No point dwelling in the past or you'll waste the present and the future.

Eden
06-05-2011, 01:00 AM
Anyway I'm not doing this to gain attention and not what, but I just want to know any ways you guys might have of getting over this?

With all due respect to all who will answer you - I think you won't get really an advise from people on the internet regarding such serious things which have an impact on your life.

You should contact someone for professional help.

People get to doctors to search for help when they are physically ill so it's only natural to do the same when your soul isn't healthy.

I'm really sorry to hear about your problems and I hope you will be able to solve them one day :hug:

Johnny Groove
06-05-2011, 01:04 AM
Jase :hug:

My advice to you would be to have a drink with your father and find out why it is that he feels the way he feels towards you. Go deep.

Definitely keep your relationships with your siblings as well. These days, all anyone has is family and a few close friends. Perhaps seek professional help and see a therapist with you, your dad, and perhaps your brothers and sisters too. Do they know how depressed you are about this? I am sure it was not their intention.

Best of luck, mate :hug:

Getta
06-05-2011, 01:05 AM
the insanity started when your father was forced to choose a life he chose then his newborn daughter's life over his wife's life. you are not responsible for your father's and your siblings' actions . actually you don't really need your brothers and your sister in your life. however, the psychological pain of your mother's death (you wondering what your life would have been if she had lived), the lack of a positive father-son relationship and the unfulfilled wish to be loved and cared for are traumatic memories that can only be directly confronted with the help of a therapist.

start with less upsetting life stressors (learn ways that you can manage your stress) and by taking the traumatic memories one piece at a time.

Sunset of Age
06-05-2011, 01:05 AM
Jase - if you are serious here, do seek professional help. :hug:
So sad to read your story. Do know, you have friends around ... even over here. You are a good guy, you deserve happiness in life. Go and find it, I'm sure there are folks around willing to help you!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Sunset of Age
06-05-2011, 01:11 AM
People get to doctors to search for help when they are physically ill so it's only natural to do the same when your soul isn't healthy.

This is so very much true. Unfortunately, folks just don't seem to understand how hard it is, to deal with a severe depression, caused by whatever a horror story that happened to you...

Anyone's who's ever had the experience of having to deal with a depression will support my words: it's a lot easier to deal with a broken leg. Do seek help, and don't let the comments of the usual ignorami get to you. :hug:

Har-Tru
06-05-2011, 01:25 AM
the insanity started when your father was forced to choose a life he chose then his newborn daughter's life over his wife's life. you are not responsible for your father's and your siblings' actions . actually you don't really need your brothers and your sister in your life. however, the psychological pain of your mother's death (you wondering what your life would have been if she had lived), the lack of a positive father-son relationship and the unfulfilled wish to be loved and cared for are traumatic memories that can only be directly confronted with the help of a therapist.

start with less upsetting life stressors (learn ways that you can manage your stress) and by taking the traumatic memories one piece at a time.

This. Saved me typing time.

WarriorA
06-05-2011, 01:37 AM
You’re very brave for sharing your story. I hope you’re able to find some new ideas through what everyone shares with you. If you’re not already, I also agree with everyone else that you should start seeing a counselor too to help you through some of this. It really is a big deal and warrants seeing a professional just the same as if you had a broken limb.

For what it’s worth, I’ll also share some thoughts too. First, none of what happened is your fault. It sounds like your family was in a lot of pain and maybe didn’t know how to express it, so it got taken out on you. It wasn’t your fault that these were the circumstances of your mother’s death. I’m sure you know that logically, but emotionally I would imagine that it’s a different story.

I hope that just expressing how you feel through writing this helped you to heal a little. I can’t relate to your circumstances, but I can relate to receiving messages throughout my life that led me to believe I was unlovable and unlikeable. I’ve found that life feels really differently when I finally allowed myself to decide how I feel, rather than allowing others to do that for me or my negative perception about myself to do that. Even though things still hurt from time to time, I don’t let negative things from my life define who I am.

Oftentimes I think that we tell ourselves negative things and they’re not necessarily true. The fact is that each one of us gets to choose how we view ourselves and the world. You know how when something happens that it’s possible to make up three different stories that could all be true about what happened? Well, I think that the same is true for our own lives. The messages you received about yourself when you were young (probably because your family was grieving over the loss of your mother and didn’t know how to process or express it) sound like they were very negative. I would imagine that a lot of negative things were directed at you because from their standpoint, you symbolized something that took away someone they loved. When people don’t know how to express grief, it often comes out as anger. Again, none of that is your fault. If your family members still have negative feelings that don’t belong to you that they direct at you, then that’s their choice. It doesn’t have to become how you feel about yourself.

It’s really tough to change our perceptions of ourselves when they’ve been engrained for so long. But I think to change those, it just takes practice, practice, and more practice until it becomes more natural to do. It’s easier said than done, I know. It would be easier if we could change other people, but we can only change ourselves. Try to love yourself and surround yourself with people who care about and love you and are able to express that to you. You can always try to reach out to your family members, but if they’re not able or willing to meet you half way then you don’t really have any choice but to just move on and if they come around, they do.

You’re definitely a fighter. Please don’t ever give up. And when you feel like giving up, tell yourself to hang on for one more day. And reach out to people close to you. You’ll be glad you did and so will the people in your life who love you. :)

JolánGagó
06-05-2011, 03:35 AM
What you need is some professional help. This isn't the place to find it, if anything you'll sink deeper in insanity.

Certinfy
06-05-2011, 10:36 AM
Thanks everyone :hug: And yeah I guess professional help is the way forward, just I'm so scared just to trust anyone, I hardly even tell my friends any of this just being scared of what they think of me, so I thought this forum was a good option to just get a few views on it.

Nathaliia
06-05-2011, 11:20 AM
People who say this problem requires professional help say so, because it overgrows them. Sadly, it overgrows the psychologists as well. Anyone who attended therapists will confirm they only take cash. Huge cash.

People who seek help do it because:
1. They need someone to listen to them (if they don't feel like talking to a friend and are willing to pay much someone to listen)
2. They need help. They need solutions -what to do with their situations. They have sunk so much into the problem they need someone objective to say "this should be your next step." And this is where the psychologists fail huge time because they haven't experienced 5% of what people who come to them have. Sadly, talking from my personal experience, I ended up giving advices to the psychologists I attended about *their* life. Saddest waste of cash ever.

Tbh I only trust the psychiatrists. But they like giving pills. But they usually are the people who'll treat you seriously.

At some point the problem grows to the size it becomes too large for one person. What works the most is to have a partner or an absolutely dedicated friend to love and be loved in a friend way (gender is not important) whose powers you can feel, whose compassion will be free and sincere, and to whom you can cling not matter how low you're feeling. One stable person in your life. And for free.

I am sorry to say but you'll be traumatized till the end of your life. You should embrace it, as a part of your personality I think. From the brief fragment you posted you weren't treated fairly by your family. Each of you carries some trauma. I think you will eventually reach the agreement with them, but they all need to grow up. Forgive me being such a pessimist, but from what I've seen in my life people become more relative and loving as their life comes to an end. I hope to be wrong but you might not get a normal contact with your father until he becomes an old man. This is when people typically try to sum their lives up and want to mend the mistakes they made. People mellow. This is why I believe you will eventually get it. And then instantly your relations with the siblings will be better.

This is how I see it. I am certain it will take time but from what I've observed around me, often has happy endings :).

Be strong :hug:

Capuccino
06-07-2011, 12:40 AM
You got my respect for respecting Djokovic and even more for sharing this story of yours.:) All I can say is look ahead and never go back to the past, cause you can't change it. Life is one and be happy to be alive :) ...That's my motto.

abraxas21
06-07-2011, 04:26 AM
talk to your old man. be open and honest about how you feel and ask him how he feels about what you tell him.
then talk to your siblings... same process.

once you take it all out with them, see how you feel and build from there. do not take the option of 'forgetting it'. things like this do not just go away on their own so it's better to confront them and while that might be hard and painful it's surely eye-opening and will lead you to live a fuller life with time.

Henry Chinaski
06-08-2011, 12:29 AM
not your fault your family are wankers Jason

fast_clay
06-08-2011, 12:44 AM
not your fault your family are wankers Jason

yeah for sure sounds like some serious oxygen wastage happenin round there...

i have put more than a few things in the 'Too Hard/Fuckhead/Couldn't Be Arsed' basket when wankers are rampant... including close family... sadly, you just cant choose them family c*nts

Start da Game
06-15-2011, 03:15 PM
get married......that is the best way through which you will get the emotional lift at this point......professional "help" would only mess you up even more, don't ever go to them......

tennisfan856
06-15-2011, 06:39 PM
srongly agree with mr. game.

Nothing like a loyal woman/man by your side to help start a new life for you. Make little certinfy's but don't let them become fans of all-serve mugs.

peribsen
06-15-2011, 09:43 PM
It's sad to see how much pain you're going through due to other people's incapacity to face their own problems. I can understand your sometimes feeling guilty, but it's essential you acknowledge that this guilt is nothing but the symptom of how much harm you have suffered. There is absolutely no reason for that guilt in the story you have been brave enough to tell us. There is no such thing as a reason for a child to be guilty for being different from what his father desired.

The guilt you feel is not the cause of your disease, it is not a symptom of your disease, it IS your disease. And that guilt is due to nothing you have ever done, it has been bestowed on you by other people. To get rid of it, you have to acknowledge that you don't deerve it, and get to understand the origin of your father's feelings (I limit myself to your father, since you are intelligent enough to have seen that your elder siblings' behaviour towards you stems from your father's attitude).

It is also important that you get to understand that being able to bestow responsibility for something on somebody else (your father) is not the same thing as thinking your father is a negative nor wicked personality. Life can be pretty tough for most of us, sooner or later, and most people hurt others out more of an incapacity to face their own problems than out of any intentional malice. In the case you describe, with your mother choosing to save the baby, your father was probably left with a deep sense of failure (failure to have protected your mum, failure to have made her change her decision, who knows). That means he has been probably living with a wound so deep that he hasn't known how to handle it. Somehow, his pain got redirected to you. He certainly should have known better, he was your father and an adult, you were only a child. And yet, he probably is also a victim. You both suffer from the same ultimate cause: your mother's absence.

I think you should search for professional help. I really do. Particularly because the problem you describe is just the kind of problem for which psychologists can really be helpful.

I myself have gone through a couple of yeras of psychotherapy, it doesn't hurt, all you need is to make the decision to share your problem with another person, just like you are doing here, only in this case with a professional who can offer you more time and better guidance than a bunch of pals on the internet, however well-meant we may be.

And don't keep it to yourself, it often happens that our own problems grow on us if we don't share them. It's very difficult to be objective and clear-headed when considering something that concers yourself. It happens to most people.

I desire all the best for you. Wish I could be of more help. And thank you for bringing it out to us all, I'm sure there are many more posters here that care about you. Don't you ever forget it!

Sunset of Age
06-16-2011, 01:03 AM
^^ What a lovely, heart-felt, and most of all - knowledgeable, insightful and honest - post on this sad matter. Agree with all you said.

Couldn't goodrep you again Paco, but consider it done. :)

Filo V.
06-16-2011, 01:11 AM
Me, myself, and I, Jason. Remember that phrase and you'll be fine. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't ever let anyone bring you down for no reason.

Sunset of Age
06-16-2011, 01:20 AM
Me, myself, and I, Jason. Remember that phrase and you'll be fine. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't ever let anyone bring you down for no reason.

:yeah:
Jase's post made me think - and feel - about Madonna's fantastic song "Oh Father" again. With that so very telling line,

"Maybe someday,
When I look back I'll be able to say,
You didn't mean to be cruel,
Somebody hurt you, too..."

Very poignant I think...

2003
06-16-2011, 01:48 PM
Dont know you, but Peribsen summed it up much better than I could.

I think this is relevant to all of us;

Life can be pretty tough for most of us, sooner or later, and most people hurt others out more of an incapacity to face their own problems than out of any intentional malice.

Thats dead right. I think if we all had this ingrained capacity to understand that, there would be far less depressed people in the world. Maybe one day theyll make a pill that eliminates these types of feelings.

I think Birdytch will win a slam btw :)

kooties
06-16-2011, 02:16 PM
There's a saying that I heard a long time ago.

"When life becomes hell, enough for you to point a gun at yourself, hold off and point that gun to whatever made it hell in the first place."

Of course this isn't to be taken literally (I hope that the situation hasn't called for guns), but you get what I mean.

Also is your dad the "tough-guy" type? Then maybe a cathartic fist fight would do the trick. (just saying)