Clydey and Friends' Story Time [Archive] - MensTennisForums.com

Clydey and Friends' Story Time

Clydey
12-11-2009, 10:56 PM
These stories were written a few years ago, so forgive the writing. And yes, they are true. Feel free to add some of your own.

Those among you who have been sexually active for a few years will no doubt have your own tales from between the bed sheets. Some might be funny, some might be embarrassing, and some might even be painful. I doubtless have a few more hidden somewhere in the back of my memory, but the one that immediately springs to mind concerns my short but sweet relationship with a Chinese girl.

At the time of meeting my soon-to-be sexual conquest, I was working at Cooper Turbocompressor and had been sent on a 4 week IT course at Stow College in Glasgow. On the first day, I scanned the room, as one does, hoping to spot some eye candy to befriend, so as to make my 4 week boot camp as painless as possible. Luckily for me, amongst the herd of insular-looking males, I spotted a solitary femme who piqued my interest. She was Chinese, slim and quite stunning, not to mention likely out my league. Always up for a challenge, I sought to woo her with something of a charm offensive. I had no doubts that I was punching ever so slightly above my weight, but I persisted nevertheless. I find that I'm quite adept at disguising my true intentions when I pursue a girl, and so engaged stealth-mode in the hope that this tactic would yet again prove fruitful.

I befriended her initially, and quickly discovered that she was genuinely Chinese, as opposed to being a Scottish-born imposter. Hearing her accent only served to spur me on. "Fuck the IT course," I thought. "My boss will respect the sudden shift in my priorities". After some initial resistance, I achieved a breakthrough. She wanted me to teach her some Scottish colloquialisms. I suggested that we go to the cinema, for once correctly reading a woman's signals. She proved to be tough work, however. I felt the need to push harder than is normal for me. I soon conceded that I would have to chase her and be rather more obvious about my intentions. I did so, and one evening after yet another trip to the cinema, I took the plunge and went in for a snog while we waited for the train. She reciprocated and I quietly rejoiced.

Not so long after this groundbreaking kiss, I reverted to my trademark indifference and her first visit to my house saw her begging me to have sex. I initially resisted, a little through nerves, but mostly because I'm an insufferable tease. I consented eventually and we got to undressing. This was the first of a few revealing moments. Removing her top, I noticed as she raised her arms that she had either neglected to shave or simply did not give a toss. Now, this was simply intriguing more than it was disconcerting. It was unique in my experience, given that I have never shagged anyone before or since who has had more armpit hair than I do. I carried on regardless, surprisingly not the least bit turned off.

As I was about to enter her for the first time, I was reminded of the many Asian porn movies I had witnessed throughout my young life and the way in which the women behaved during intercourse, in contrast to women of other cultures. What I mean by this is that Asian porn stars invariably scream the house down and look like they are in serious pain. I wondered would life imitate "art". It didn't. It surpassed it. My Chinese lady friend more than likely alerted the neighbours, yelping as though I had assaulted her with a pneumatic drill, arms above her head proudly displaying her dedication to remaining natural. This reaction was flattering to say the least. I continued, undeterred by these distractions. Things evolved, as they tend to do, and she hopped on top. As she treated me in the manner one would a pony, she felt this an apt time to initiate the following exchange. I beg of you, forgive the following exchange if it appears offensive, but this was how it went, verbatim.

Her: "Don´t you ruv me?" Me: "What!?" Her: "Rike! Rike! I mean ´Don't you rike me!?´" This was the last straw. I began to giggle quite furiously. We had to stop, as hilarity is not conducive to sexual satisfaction. Luckily she didn´t take offence and we continued to see each other until she moved away to Belgium. Well, I say that she didn't take offence. Then again, she did move to another country a month later.

Clydey
12-11-2009, 10:57 PM
Another one for the whole family.

Over the 10 or so years that I have been exposed to the wonders of porn, it has previously occurred to me that this much stigmatised form of artistic expression occupies a role more diverse than mere titillation. Indeed, one particular occasion springs to mind. About 5 years ago while I was working at my local fire station, porn was oftentimes the topic of discussion, as one would expect in such a testosterone-heavy environment. This was most true of two individuals in particular: Steven and John, the former a reformed chav, and the latter a world champion sleaze merchant. John revelled in telling us tales of his sexcapades and the sex hotlines he called all too frequently. He took great delight in illustrating to us his wanking habits. The first tidbit we were privy to was the particular type of wank John had enjoyed the evening previous. For example: "I had a fucking great posh wank last night". For the uninitiated, this is British slang for masturbating while sporting a condom. Why this is considered "posh" I have no clue. It seemed that John, bless him, had an infinite list of such methods, including a "cheeky wank", a "dirty wank", an "angry wank", so on and so forth. Pick an adverb from a hat, stick it before "wank" and you can be sure that John mentioned it.

Strangely, though, my realisation that porn could be mined for comedy gold was not born out of John regaling me with tales of subtly diverse wanking technqiues. No, it was his fellow deviant and co-worker, Steven, who introduced me to porn so gag heavy that a laugh track would not have felt out of place. The name of the porn in question? No one knows. It was simply a montage of scenes on a tape labelled "Lethal Weapon", which belonged to Steven's dad. Clearly the tape did not contain a single scene of the Mel Gibson 80s classic. Despite this obvious inconsistency, the name was inspired for a couple of reasons. Firstly, it goes without saying that the lady of the house was not an avid porn viewer and was equally unlikely to rifle through the tape collection and settle on "Lethal Weapon". Thus, our heroes' sleaze tape remained a secret.

I managed to coax Steven into lending me the tape. And later that same night, once everyone had gone to bed, I slipped it into the machine for a little late night erotica, as one does. What I expected from this experience was a diamond-hard erection. What I ended up with was sore sides and tears streaming down my face, to the extent that I began to worry that my incessant chuckling had woken my parents. I can only imagine how they would react to their son, pants around his ankles, tugging away while laughing hysterically like he had just watched an episode of Seinfeld. Their mere disappointment would soon give way to concerns for their son's mental health. I'm sure I don't have to tell you gents how distracting it is to be mid-stroke only to then be interrupted by involuntary fits of giggles. Well, this was my plight. And such was the mixture of hilarity and frustration, I eventually had to turn said tape off and relieve myself with the aid of a generic bikini-clad blonde from FHM. An anti-climax, to say the least. I could go into detail about the tape, but I daresay I could not do it justice. Instead, let this suffice and use your imagination to fill in the blanks: Badly dubbed with thick-as-pig-shit Birmingham accents, porn moustaches that put the stereotype to shame and some of the most absurd haircuts ever conceived. Bear in mind, this does not even scratch the surface. In hindsight, it's the type of movie that rewards repeat viewing, such are its subtleties. Did I stumble upon the Citizen Kane of porn or are they all so hilarious?

Certinfy
12-11-2009, 10:58 PM
:haha: :haha: :worship: :haha: :haha:

Bibberz
12-11-2009, 10:59 PM
Don't you already have a spotlight thread, brah? :lol: And a philosophy/homosexuality/evolution thread? :lol:

This is just shameless publicity in advance of our 2R throwdown...which I wholeheartedly endorse.

Clay Death
12-11-2009, 11:01 PM
These stories were written a few years ago, so forgive the writing. And yes, they are true. Feel free to add some of your own.

i see a porn novel in your future old sport. make sure you send free copies to your friends at mtf.

cool writing style.

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:03 PM
And another.

There was a time, a few years ago, when alcohol and I were as compatible as chocolate and chips. Growing up, I had always promised myself that I would remain teetotal. It didn't make sense to me that people who consumed alcohol temporarily ceased to function as normal, oftentimes their personality changing quite dramatically. I remember confronting my mother during one evening in which she had become particularly legless. And, as was the case on the rare occasion that this occurred, she donned her wedding dress and paraded around our living room in front of the guests. They all laughed as I rolled my eyes and asked, "Why can't you act normally? Just don't let the alcohol affect you." Her response was most likely scathing. However, I could scarcely understand a word she said in between slurs, and so slipped back on through to my room, mortified by her behaviour. Looking back, it was extremely naive of me. This fact has been reinforced on several occasions, but most effectively when I was 18.

I had not so long ago surrendered to the wishes of my friends to drink socially with them. I had a nervous habit, however, of drinking very fast and this led me to become drunk earlier than is recommended, particularly when you plan to leave clubs at the 4am closing time. I had just left the Destiny night club in Glasgow with my friends Paul and Steven, and we were heading down to get something to eat when we bumped into 3 girls in a similarly paralytic state. Paul and Steven set about chatting to these girls as I stared into space while eating my bag of chips, which at that moment were infinitely more attractive than the girls who were flirting with us.

Paul, my best friend at the time, was a resourceful sort and, heaven knows why, told them that there was a party back at my place (there wasn't). Hearing this, one of the girls pointed at me and asked, "His place?" Upon seeing this finger pointed at me, and being utterly unaware of what they were talking about, I took great offence, assuming that she was poking fun at me. To the horror of my mates, I kicked the bag of chips this girl was eating out of her hands and yelled, "Who the fuck you takin' the piss out of?" Steven and Paul looked at me, mouths agape, realising that their sloshed mate had essentially just cock-blocked them.

The girls and I engaged in a shouting match as my friends tried to grasp what had just happened. The girls eventually waved down a taxi and got in. As they drove away, I took off down the street and chased after their taxi like a dog chasing a rabbit, shaking my fist at them like a cartoon villain. This further confused my friends, who were still processing the fact that I had kicked a newspaper full of chips onto a girl they were doubtless minutes away from shagging. I woke up the next morning and was duly informed of my transgression. Throughout the day excerpts of the evening prior came back to me, each piece of the puzzle more excruciating than the last. Why can't you just "act normally" when you have a belly full of Jack Daniels? Now I knew why. Luckily my wild days are behind me and I have evolved into a happy drunk, no longer prone to assaulting people with fatty foods.

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:04 PM
Don't you already have a spotlight thread, brah? :lol: And a philosophy/homosexuality/evolution thread? :lol:

This is just shameless publicity in advance of our 2R throwdown...which I wholeheartedly endorse.

I'm throwing the kitchen sink at you. If I have to campaign like a Presidential candidate, so be it.

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:05 PM
i see a porn novel in your future old sport. make sure you send free copies to your friends at mtf.

cool writing style.

Maybe a comedy porn novel. Not sure how erotic my stories really are. :lol:

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:09 PM
And they keep coming.

Once upon a time, when I was but a naive teenger, I worked with a company called Cooper Turbocompressor. My official job was to draw up compressor plans via AutoCAD. Unofficially, however, as was the case with my job at our local firestation, I was little more than a liability, kept around, if I do say so myself, for my amiable personality. My boss, the David Brent type, was in his late thirties with aspirations of reliving his youth. We got along well and I would invariably spend a large portion of the day in his office chatting. For a brief period we had a temporary engineer working with us, called John, while my boss found a permanent replacement for Alan, who had just recently left. Well, John was your typical grizzled veteran, the type who would prattle on for hours about "the old days". He was a sweet old bloke, if a little nutty.

A few months passed without incident, but then we started to notice that John would disappear from his desk for up to an hour at a time. Occasionally engineers have an excuse for being away from their desk, but not quite so frequently and not for vast chunks of the day. We also noticed that he began to smell like a brewery. Well, one day Bob (fellow co-worker and professional coffin dodger) instructed me to go down to the toilets and check on John, as he had been absent for a good 45 minutes. I obliged only to find that one of the cubicle doors was locked. I began to bang on the door and yell repeatedly, "John, are you in there?" No response. Given that he was in his 60's and had not responsed after 5 minutes of me yelling through the cubicle door at him, I feared the worst. I ran upstairs to get Bob and my boss, as the idea of peering over the cubicle to check on him was a terrifying prospect.

Once the cavalry had gathered in the bathroom, I was still given the task of checking on him. I did so with some trepidation, climbing on top of the neighbouring toilet and peering over. What I saw left me wondering whether to laugh or cry. Upon seeing that he was still breathing, laughter appeared the more rational option. He had passed out with his pants around his ankles, cock in hand, mid wank, with a half bottle of whiskey laying on his stomach. Needless to say, my laughter soon gave way to concern for the poor bloke's health. He could, after all, have slipped into a coma in the midst of what must have been a mind-blowing spank session, but the sheer comedy of what I had witnessed momentarily shorted my ability to use any common sense.

Bob thereafter took the lead, hopping up onto the toilet and dousing John with water in the hopes of waking him up. He succeeded, only to find that John was still, for all intents and purposes, shitfaced. The three of us then attempted to coax him out of the cubicle for a around 20 minutes, to which he generally rebuked "Fuckin' behave yerselves, fuckin' behave!!". By now other departments had been informed and by the time he had partially sobered up and left the cubicle, there were 7 of us crammed into what was a small bathroom. Needless to say, John was let go shortly afterwards. The shame is, though, that it later came out that John's wife had been diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer, and thus he began to drink more heavily, quite understandably. Had we known, it probably wouldn't have been quite so funny.

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:12 PM
I'll change the thread title if some people decide to add their own stories.

cath777
12-11-2009, 11:14 PM
Great work :yeah: Particularly enjoying the image of you chasing the taxi :lol:

Sadly, I was particularly interested to read in the first story that you went to a course at Stow College. I used to pass by there all the time. Never knew anyone who went there, and never saw anyone there, so we used to joke that it was a training place for spys :lol:

Bibberz
12-11-2009, 11:16 PM
I'm throwing the kitchen sink at you. If I have to campaign like a Presidential candidate, so be it.

You're going to need more than a few diary entries about your banal sexual exploits to take me down. I'm so confident that I'll win that I'm not even going to use my substantial vwealth to buy votes.

Are my supporters alarmed? Not in the least.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_7_91IQIF4-c/SROO1p4VLtI/AAAAAAAAArI/cOtJKfiNu5U/s400/Obama-I-Got-This.jpg

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:17 PM
Great work :yeah: Particularly enjoying the image of you chasing the taxi :lol:

Sadly, I was particularly interested to read in the first story that you went to a course at Stow College. I used to pass by there all the time. Never knew anyone who went there, and never saw anyone there, so we used to joke that it was a training place for spys :lol:

:lol: It's not the most prestigious college in the world. It was just a basic 4 week IT course I was on. Worthless, in fact. I used it to skive 4 weeks off work.

So you used to live in Scotland?

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:20 PM
You're going to need more than a few diary entries about your banal sexual exploits to take me down. I'm so confident that I'll win that I'm not even going to use my substantial vwealth to buy votes.

Are my supporters alarmed? Not in the least.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_7_91IQIF4-c/SROO1p4VLtI/AAAAAAAAArI/cOtJKfiNu5U/s400/Obama-I-Got-This.jpg

I have my game face on.

http://www.topnews.in/usa/files/Senator-john-mccain.jpg

cath777
12-11-2009, 11:28 PM
:lol: It's not the most prestigious college in the world. It was just a basic 4 week IT course I was on. Worthless, in fact. I used it to skive 4 weeks off work.

So you used to live in Scotland?

Hmm, so my spy theory may still be correct :scratch: Perhaps they throw in a couple of corporate sponsored crappy courses to maintain their cover :aplot:

I was born in Glasgow. Lived in Scotland most of my life and moved to Canada a few years back :yeah:

Johnny Groove
12-11-2009, 11:29 PM
Instant classic thread.

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:34 PM
Instant classic thread.

More stories are needed. I'm going through what I've written, but they all seem a bit too clean.

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:37 PM
Hmm, so my spy theory may still be correct :scratch: Perhaps they throw in a couple of corporate sponsored crappy courses to maintain their cover :aplot:

I was born in Glasgow. Lived in Scotland most of my life and moved to Canada a few years back :yeah:

Good stuff. Always wanted to visit Canada. Lots of Scottish connections there.

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:46 PM
Another.

I have, over the past two weeks, had one of the more awkard and unusual experiences of my young life. It concerns my new sim card and a young femme from Nigeria who is apparently now enamoured with me as a result of my new mobile phone number. A few months ago my sim card was unceremoniously cancelled by that bastion of good customer relations Vodafone. Their reasoning? I wasn't putting enough money into my pay as you go mobile phone. "****s" I hear you say? Indeed. I only recently decided to get off my ass and buy a new sim card. Having done so, I was issued a new number and went about passing it on to various friends. In the ensuing weeks little of note occurred, but then I began to receive intermittent calls from a number beginning +2348033. The first time I answered, I got little besides static and a faint, oddly accented voice on the other end. "Strange", I thought. The next call was somewhat clearer, if only marginally so. My Scottish accent was tripping up the lady on the other end, and I fared little better with her French/Chinese sounding accent. The girl was trying to get in touch with the previous owner of my new number, as far as I could tell. What I did make out from the conversation was as follows: "I lost your number, but found it now. How are you?" I attempted to explain that my name is "James MacDonald" as clearly as my accent will permit. Heaven knows how she would have dealt with a concentrated Glaswegian accent. I then received a text message after I had given up and cancelled the call. This is what it read, verbatim:

"HELLO MYDEAR HOW ARE ?IS BEEN A LONG TIME,I LOST UR NUMBER,BUT IGOT IT NOW.THIS IS MYNUMBER 0803277 (I'll leave out the remainder of the number).YOU OK?"

I attempted to reply to her text, again explaining that I was not the man she was looking for. I tried, but failed. For heaven knows what reason, I couldn't reply to her. Probably because, as I later found out, she is in Nigeria. She phoned back and I spoke as one would to a child, in a desperate attempt to actually put the poor girl straight. This was an improvement, and we even at one point laughed at our inability to understand each other. It was still an exercise in futility, however, given the connection and the clash of accents. As I was about to put an end to the call again she said, "I will call you again" in what appeared to be a quite flirtatious voice. Now, I have been told many times that I have a good voice, particularly over the phone and especially from those not from Scotland. Many women do have a weakness for accents, after all. However, my accent being an attribute is usually contingent on the other person understanding a fucking word I'm saying. Anyway, I laughed as she said this and humoured her by saying, "Ok, I'll call you too". I of course had no intention of doing so, but I felt there was no harm in being polite. Soon after I had ended the call, I received another text message. It read as follows:

"MY NAME IS AMAKA .MEANING FOR ENGLISH BEAUTY.IAM FROM AFRICAN IN NIGERIAN.ARE YOU THE BOYFRIEND 4 MYFRIEND?ARE YOU WHITEMAN?IAM HAPPY HEAR YOUR VOICE,REPLY ME."

Now, given that it has been a good few months since I've been laid, I think I have shown remarkable restraint by not going to Nigeria and banging this African "beauty" senseless. It was only later that it occurred to me that it may have been a scam. I wouldn't even have got a shag out of it.

Sophocles
12-11-2009, 11:47 PM
Jesus, please don't make me tell the story of my hooker mistress.

cath777
12-11-2009, 11:48 PM
Good stuff. Always wanted to visit Canada. Lots of Scottish connections there.

It's a great place to live. Don't visit during winter though :rolleyes:

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:48 PM
I have some, but on the other hand they are far too dirty.

Nothing's too dirty for this thread. Come on, my well only runs so deep. Your stories will help sustain the thread.

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:49 PM
Jesus, please don't make me tell the story of my hooker mistress.

That's one I want to hear. Out with it, bud.

Johnny Groove
12-11-2009, 11:49 PM
More stories are needed. I'm going through what I've written, but they all seem a bit too clean.

I could tell the story of a girlfriend turned porn star :shrug:

Clydey
12-11-2009, 11:52 PM
I could tell the story of a girlfriend turned porn star :shrug:

Again, that is a story that deserves to be told. Knock yourself out, mate.

Johnny Groove
12-12-2009, 12:08 AM
Again, that is a story that deserves to be told. Knock yourself out, mate.

Taking your lead, I will tell my story in journal form.

I first met this girl at an end of school party in late May of my junior year of high school. To be 100% honest, I do not remember her name, but I do recall that she was a strange mix of Swedish/Dominican/Indian that really killed me. She also had the exact same birthday as me, a coincidence I rode all the way to the bedroom. Not that it took me long. I met her around 2 PM and was inside her around 11 PM. She gave it up ridiculously easy, but at 17, that was exactly what I wanted, so I didn't question it.
She ended up becoming my woman, and that summer we shagged just about everyday. Our record was 14 hours straight without leaving the room, only broken when I had to go out and pick up some more rubbers. :o
As the summer drew to a close, and her attending a different high school than I did, I knew this summer fling was on its last legs. The last few weeks were the most :aplot: time of my life.
But, with all good things, it must come to an end. I walked up to her house one Thursday afternoon fresh off the tennis court preparing myself for some awesome shower sex. My pants were halfway off as I walked in the door and saw her getting nailed hardcore by two guys. Not to mention a third guy filming it. I walked up and she attempted to explain, but I ended up punching the cameraman, gave a wry smirk to her and walked out on the bitch.
7 months later, while I'm tryin to get with another girl, she hits me up talkin about how she was sorry and whatnot and that she wants to make it up to me by getting me a role in a porno with her. She said I could get paid $500 to fuck her for 10 minutes on camera. When I got to the place, they gave me this booklet with a shitload of different moves.
I ended up almost going through with it until I saw her. She looked terrible. I turned a corner in the house and there she was, doing 3 lines of coke straight in a row. To be honest, it was pretty impressive. The furthest I had seen anyone go before that was 2 1/2 lines before he pulled up, nose as red as Rudolph the Reindeer.
I asked her why she chose to do this, what happened to her becoming a doctor blah blah blah and shit, and she's like: "This makes me more money now, sexy. You ready to fuck or not?"
Once again, I gave her a wry smirk and walked out.
Never saw her again.

Sophocles
12-12-2009, 12:14 AM
That's one I want to hear. Out with it, bud.

I will then, but not now. Have come in from a night out and am drunk. It's emotionally raw. And I have to be careful not to identify her, or there'll be hell to pay. So wait till I'm sober.

Clydey
12-12-2009, 12:14 AM
My pants were halfway off as I walked in the door and saw her getting nailed hardcore by two guys. Not to mention a third guy filming it.

:lol:

Great stuff, mate. Feel free to keep them coming.

Clydey
12-12-2009, 12:14 AM
I will then, but not now. Have come in from a night out and am drunk. It's emotionally raw. And I have to be careful not to identify her, or there'll be hell to pay. So wait till I'm sober.

Man, the best stories come out when you're drunk. I'm holding you to this.

Clay Death
12-12-2009, 12:27 AM
Maybe a comedy porn novel. Not sure how erotic my stories really are. :lol:

like i said, i like your writing style. its free flowing and relatively articulate. first story was not too shabby.

i have monster stories but i better not tell them here.

Sophocles
12-12-2009, 12:34 AM
Man, the best stories come out when you're drunk. I'm holding you to this.

If we were having a beer together, absolutely. But not in public like this. It's a girl I care about, not some one-night stand. I'm tempted to go into it, but had better not... though maybe in an hour or two....

Clydey
12-12-2009, 12:35 AM
If we were having a beer together, absolutely. But not in public like this. It's a girl I care about, not some one-night stand. I'm tempted to go into it, but had better not... though maybe in an hour or two....

Fair enough. If you feel like it, by all means share.

Clay Death
12-12-2009, 12:43 AM
If we were having a beer together, absolutely. But not in public like this. It's a girl I care about, not some one-night stand. I'm tempted to go into it, but had better not... though maybe in an hour or two....

that makes 2 of us. i have some stories that will blow people right out of the water. this is just not the place.

Sophocles
12-12-2009, 01:02 AM
Fair enough. If you feel like it, by all means share.

At some point I shall, but it's not a pure porno story.

Johnny Groove
12-12-2009, 01:13 AM
:lol:

Great stuff, mate. Feel free to keep them coming.

That was probably the most embarrassing one already :o

Do they have to be stories of a sexually suggestive nature?

Or can we just share funny stories? :scratch:

GhostUnholy
12-12-2009, 01:19 AM
:lol: classic stuff there Johnny Blaze

I have one from high school involving 2 girls, substances of questionable legality, harold and kumar-esque randomness, and accidentally knocking a girl out, but I better not tell it on a public forum :p

Clydey
12-12-2009, 02:02 AM
That was probably the most embarrassing one already :o

Do they have to be stories of a sexually suggestive nature?

Or can we just share funny stories? :scratch:

Just share funny stories. They don't have to be filthy or sexual in nature.

Clay Death
12-12-2009, 02:13 AM
outstanding thread idea. this thread will flourish at mtf and eventually it will find a home at the chat section near the castle somewhere.

Henry Chinaski
12-12-2009, 05:07 AM
this ginger scot **** can really write.

gonna be tough to contribute my own tales. gonna have to be drunk enough to give it proper loquation but sober enough to make sense and that my friends is a small margin of error.

Clydey
12-12-2009, 05:18 AM
this ginger scot **** can really write.

gonna be tough to contribute my own tales. gonna have to be drunk enough to give it proper loquation but sober enough to make sense and that my friends is a small margin of error.

How many does it take to get you to that stage? It's a balancing act. You also have to maintain that level of inebriation. Continue drinking and you end up being too drunk, but if you stop drinking you become too sober. It's a tightrope you're walking there, mate.

Ivanatis
12-12-2009, 01:58 PM
That's what you call a rabbit, son. (Boston Legal, Head Cases [1.01])

theMEESH
12-14-2009, 02:02 PM
I took this quiz called "how Scottish are you?" to see how much I was like you (clydey), corey feldman, and adee-gee and you wanna know what I got????













































True Scottish Patriot!.

:rolls:

Clydey
12-17-2009, 02:47 PM
I took this quiz called "how Scottish are you?" to see how much I was like you (clydey), corey feldman, and adee-gee and you wanna know what I got???

True Scottish Patriot!.

:rolls:

Just noticed this. So this is the reason for the Scottish flag you are sporting.

theMEESH
12-17-2009, 02:49 PM
yep. i'm a scottish filipino :p

Bibberz
12-23-2009, 01:49 PM
Clydey, I was under the impression that your campaign was supposed to involve comedy. Talking about viruses and the Rocky films just isn't enough. It's time to reveal another diary entry. :rocker2:

sammy01
12-23-2009, 02:04 PM
this story is common knowledge to my friends so meh here goes lol

ok so i am on gaydar (gay hook up site), i find a good looking guy in derby that wants some cock fun like i do, it is late so i get a taxi to his. when i arrive he pays for the taxi (something like £4.50), all is good we have fun, he was ok nowt special, it serviced a need. anyway i say im ready to go, so he rings me a taxi to get home, the taxi pulls up he kisses me, hugs me and slips me some money in my pocket, he says 'for the taxi' and winks, so i assume he slipped me £5 to cover the taxi home. anyway i get home pay the taxi guy with my own money as i had some on me anyway. i get undressed for bed and remember the money he slipped me was in my pocket, so i go to get it out and see £40, then it dawned on me he paid me for sex, yes i had just become a rent boi against my knowledge.

i just chalk it upto experience and thought maybe he made a mistake with the money (he had sniffed a lot of poppers that night :tape:), so about 2 days later he txt me saying do i want sex again, i reply no as it was average and im not usually one to do more than 1 night with strangers. then 5 minutes later i get a txt back saying 'i will pay you £60 this time' :o. needless to say i didn't go back, heck if he had been great id have done it for free lol.

so thats my accidental rent boi experience :angel: top that clydey!!!!!!!!!!

Clydey
12-23-2009, 11:32 PM
this story is common knowledge to my friends so meh here goes lol



so thats my accidental rent boi experience :angel: top that clydey!!!!!!!!!!

So we've both been confused for a rentboy? :lol:

I might have taken up the offer if it was a woman who thought I was on the game, as opposed to some middle-aged bloke claiming to be a music producer.

Johnny Groove
01-09-2010, 08:24 PM
The first time I had sex, she came first.

sammy01
01-10-2010, 07:28 AM
The first time I had sex, she came first.

:hug: women often fake orgasm to get it over with

Johnny Groove
01-10-2010, 02:41 PM
:hug: women often fake orgasm to get it over with

Not sure how you can fake cumming, though :scratch:

If so, then she was very talented :lol:

Certinfy
01-10-2010, 05:28 PM
Yo Sammy, gimme that guy's number? Could be an easy way of some £££ :haha:

Kezzi
01-11-2010, 12:33 AM
This looks like a nice thread to keep my eye on when I can't sleep. ;)
Sadly for you I don't have any juicy stories I will tell, but maybe something funny comes up for me to share in the future.
And I agree with Sammy's post above. :devil: (No, I'm not elaborating on that. :angel: )

sammy01
01-11-2010, 12:38 AM
Not sure how you can fake cumming, though :scratch:

If so, then she was very talented :lol:

oh the lengths some women go to lol

Yo Sammy, gimme that guy's number? Could be an easy way of some £££ :haha:

i think i still have it in my phone book :angel:

This looks like a nice thread to keep my eye on when I can't sleep. ;)
Sadly for you I don't have any juicy stories I will tell, but maybe something funny comes up for me to share in the future.
And I agree with Sammy's post above. :angel: (No, I'm not elaborating on that.)

see women are the more cunning of the species

Kezzi
01-11-2010, 10:36 AM
oh the lengths some women go to lol
I know I've said not to elaborate on my one specific story about this subject, but I do want to add that for me the reason was not to hurt his feelings after trying so hard. :awww: Otherwise I'm always a brave girl and are honest about it. :)

see women are the more cunning of the species
Ehm...Thanks? :p

Sophocles
01-11-2010, 03:26 PM
:hug: women often fake orgasm to get it over with

You've just ruined my life.

Certinfy
01-11-2010, 07:24 PM
You've just ruined my life.:haha:

sammy01
01-11-2010, 11:49 PM
I know I've said not to elaborate on my one specific story about this subject, but I do want to add that for me the reason was not to hurt his feelings after trying so hard. :awww: Otherwise I'm always a brave girl and are honest about it. :)


:worship: how nice of you, though i hope you ditched him :p

sammy01
01-11-2010, 11:52 PM
You've just ruined my life.

:hug: im sorry ignorance is bliss. :p

Johnny Groove
01-12-2010, 02:46 AM
Not a story per se, but more a theory.

Sometimes I like to set the mood with a lady by laying her down on my bed and then slowly but seductively removing every article of clothing from her body.

I like whispering things in her ear. For some reason, it has a better effect that way, especially when I draw out the words. A slight nibble on the ear as well. Another thing I like to do is tell her to close her eyes and then I'll take my fingers and then rub them all over her body, again, slowly and seductively.

Good icebreakers with women is to ask her what music she likes. Usually she can go off on that and I can keep the conversation going. When the music convo dies out, changing the subject to the differences between men and women and relationships, a subject which never seems to die off.

When I've foreplayed enough and gotten her fully turned on, that's when I like to go in. A few slow and shallow thrusts combined with rubbing and playing of the clitoris with one hand and fondling a breast with the other. About 7-10 shallow thrusts followed by a deep thrust or two. Then shallow a few times and then go deep again.

After a few cycles of this, I like to completely pull out and just sit there and chill, just to build up anticipation. When I feel the time is right, I will go in again and repeat the cycle.

After about 15-20 minutes, its time to finish it. My favorite time is when she is finishing. Something about the female orgasm just does it for me. The eyes rolling, the muscles clenching, the toes curling, the body convulsing and then....deep sighs of complete satisfaction, spooning, and falling asleep for the night.

Or something like that :shrug: :lol:

sammy01
01-12-2010, 02:48 AM
im more a lets find a empty car park so we can suck each other off, foreplay is taking my seatbelt off lol

Johnny Groove
01-12-2010, 02:51 AM
Sammy :lol:

Empty car parks usually turn busy whenever someone is gettin it on, at least in my experience :tape:

sammy01
01-12-2010, 03:17 AM
Sammy :lol:

Empty car parks usually turn busy whenever someone is gettin it on, at least in my experience :tape:

i didn't say extra company was a problem :angel:

Kezzi
01-12-2010, 11:21 AM
:worship: how nice of you, though i hope you ditched him :p
We weren't a good match in that area anyway. :angel:

:hug: im sorry ignorance is bliss. :p
To quote Dr. Phil: You can't change what you don't acknowledge. ;) So I'd rather know it instead of being lied to all the time... Could also be a good reason for some experimenting. :angel:
Luckily for us girls, it's much harder for a guy. :p Even if I heard it's possible... :scratch:

Kezzi
01-12-2010, 11:26 AM
Sammy :lol:

Empty car parks usually turn busy whenever someone is gettin it on, at least in my experience :tape:

i didn't say extra company was a problem :angel:
:rolls:

sammy01
01-12-2010, 12:31 PM
:angel:

Clydey
01-12-2010, 04:43 PM
What's going on in here? Blaze and Sammy are taking over.

Kezzi, woman up and let's hear your stories. We promise not to judge.

sammy01
01-12-2010, 05:05 PM
What's going on in here? Blaze and Sammy are taking over.

Kezzi, woman up and let's hear your stories. We promise not to judge.

how about everyones 2nd fave scott (after murray of course) give us an update on his quest to get his end away, or is it a dry spell? :angel:

Kezzi
01-12-2010, 07:40 PM
What's going on in here? Blaze and Sammy are taking over.

Kezzi, woman up and let's hear your stories. We promise not to judge.
I'm not afraid of judgement, it's just that I'm plain boring when it comes to this topic.
And I don't want to identify anyone, that's a little hard when sharing details, cause all the effort was special, so even the smallest thing could lead to this guy. Just not the thing I didn't tell him and that's what I already shared. ;) Only thing I can add is that with my height, sometimes big is too big. :awww:
For the rest, there's nothing to tell, so far I've been very lucky with only nice guys as long as it lasted. First time happened in Paris with an actual Frenchie, wonderful experience, so also nothing juicy there. I'm sorry guys, I'm a very decent (and maybe boring) girl. :)
I can tell that the story of my life is that I always got dumped for exes... Don't understand any of that, but somehow the ex-girlfriend still has a major influence. I always think that you don't break up to get together again after both having your in betweens, but somehow the guys I meet seem to think that's how it works. :rolleyes:

Clydey
09-21-2010, 05:33 PM
how about everyones 2nd fave scott (after murray of course) give us an update on his quest to get his end away, or is it a dry spell? :angel:

I'm a relationship guy. I rarely get my end away unless I'm in one. So yes, I'm going through a spell as dry as a nun's ****.

Betty
09-21-2010, 05:34 PM
will u go to see the snooker in glasgow

Clydey
09-21-2010, 05:40 PM
will u go to see the snooker in glasgow

Probably not. I only really watch it on television. Still disappointed in Higgins. :sad:

Betty
09-21-2010, 05:58 PM
but good news,he ll back in november:D :o

i forgot james u live far from glas.?

Clydey
09-21-2010, 06:00 PM
but good news,he ll back in november:D :o

i forgot james u live far from glas.?

About 30 minutes from Glasgow city centre.

You coming to see the snooker?

Betty
09-21-2010, 06:01 PM
i would like do it,maybe next year;) will u meet me:p?:)

Clydey
09-21-2010, 06:06 PM
i would like do it,maybe next year;) will u meet me:p?:)

Sure. I don't see why not. :p

Priam
09-21-2010, 06:08 PM
Interesting reads, Clydey. Just wondering if you ever heard from your Chinese friend again? Asian girls tend to be difficult.

Clydey
09-21-2010, 06:11 PM
Interesting reads, Clydey. Just wondering if you ever heard from your Chinese friend again? Asian girls tend to be difficult.

We kept in touch for a few years. She stayed over at my house 2 or 3 years ago, but we eventually lost touch. She got her doctorate and I think she works for Pfizer now.

Priam
09-21-2010, 06:20 PM
We kept in touch for a few years. She stayed over at my house 2 or 3 years ago, but we eventually lost touch. She got her doctorate and I think she works for Pfizer now.

Interesting. Quite the opposite from the porn girl from that other guy's story. I'd like to think a year later you'd have more stories to tell? :)

Clydey
09-21-2010, 06:25 PM
Interesting. Quite the opposite from the porn girl from that other guy's story. I'd like to think a year later you'd have more stories to tell? :)

I wrote those stories years ago. I think I've only written one since then, which I knocked up in 10 minutes at someone's request. I'll see if I can find it.

Lopez
09-21-2010, 08:41 PM
This thread was awesome for 2 pages and then it turned sour :sad:. Up your ante Clydey :D

sammy01
09-22-2010, 07:48 PM
my 'i was duped' story lol

Ok so doing my usual thing cruising for a guy on gaydar for some no strings sex, when a guy messages me. he seems ok sends me some pics that look nice so i agreed to meet him that night, all normal for me. anyway i get there 1st and im waiting and i see this guy walked towards me a bit weirdly. he asked if i was sam and i said yes, he said he was the guy from gaydar who i had arranged to meet. anyway his pictures were either taken in 1987 or not of him, he also was deaf and seemed to have special needs. anyway i paniced so i shouted to him family emergency and ran off. i know i should have said mate it aint gonna happen you lied, but well running seemed easier. well the worst thing was because of his deafness i don't even know if he heard me shout family emergency lol.

Serenidad
09-22-2010, 09:55 PM
my 'i was duped' story lol

No one cares. You probably had another hookup lined up right after.

Anyways. Cutedey. :wavey:

sammy01
09-22-2010, 10:18 PM
No one cares. You probably had another hookup lined up right after.

Anyways. Cutedey. :wavey:

such a bitter troll lol, i pity you :)

Clydey
09-22-2010, 10:43 PM
No one cares. You probably had another hookup lined up right after.

Anyways. Cutedey. :wavey:

http://www.oceanlight.com/lr/full/7376e006daa24449dc703f839d963986.jpg

Clydey
09-22-2010, 10:44 PM
my 'i was duped' story lol

So you bailed on Rain Man? Poor bloke. :lol:

Serenidad
09-23-2010, 01:32 AM
such a bitter troll lol, i pity you :)

Don't pity me. I don't make threads about relationship issues and alcoholism.

:wavey::wavey::wavey::wavey: Fix yourself. :wavey::wavey::wavey::wavey:

Clydey
10-01-2010, 04:31 AM
Short story I just knocked up. Can't sleep.

Anal Sex

We all have our own post-coital rituals. Some people enjoy lighting up a cigarette, some feel compelled to cuddle, while others simply want to slumber. In my case, the urge to listen to music sweeps over me, which is at least a step in the right direction. Anything is better than the mental self-flagellation that would routinely follow the guilt-ridden orgasms from my youth. But even that is less bizarre than the habits of my ex-girlfriend, who felt the irrepressible urge to take a dump after I had been inside her. I shan’t go into too much detail about the relationship, in order to avoid the possibility of embarrassing anyone. I’ll simply refer to my ex-girlfriend as ‘Jennifer’.

Jennifer’s penchant for post-orgasm bowel movements was not immediately apparent. She would innocently wander off to the bathroom, as one does, and return a few minutes later. I thought nothing of it, assuming her ritual involved splashing a little water on her face or getting a drink. It was only when I visited the toilet after her on one particular evening that I began to get curious. As I opened the bathroom door, I was greeted by a stench so potent as to trigger my gag reflex. I surveyed the room, half expecting to witness the paint peeling off of the walls. This in and of itself was not unusual. It’s no secret that shit stinks, if rarely so heinously. I quickly opened a window, fearing the abominable fetor would set off the fire alarm, before climbing back into bed with the odious culprit. With my curiosity piqued, I occasionally followed Jennifer’s orgasm-induced bathroom excursions in order to assess the damage. The fallout from her ‘dirty bombs’ never again reached the Chernobyl-like levels of the first incident, but it became clear that sex led the fetid femme to evacuate her bowels.

I began to wonder, only half in jest, whether I was being employed as some sort of pleasurable laxative, whose enthusiastic thrusts were able to knock the poor girl’s stools loose. Was I only summoned for sex in the event of an impacted colon? Perhaps it wasn’t my thrusting, but rather the act of having sex with me that induced the squirts? Either way, I didn’t feel flattered. But I suppose it could have been worse and she could have taken a dump during the act.

Anyone else have strange post-coital rituals?

JolánGagó
10-01-2010, 10:11 AM
:lol:

good :yeah:

Certinfy
10-01-2010, 10:26 AM
:lol:

Clydey
10-01-2010, 11:12 PM
:lol:

good :yeah:

:lol:

Come on, fellas. Share your own stories. Keep this thread alive for my campaign.

Clydey
10-01-2010, 11:44 PM
Apologies for the fecal-inspired stories, but this next one wasn't actually written by me. Certainly worth a read, though.

Don't Shave Your Ass Hair


I have recently made one of the biggest mistakes in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated. This was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny balls of shit were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass-cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me knowing that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling place. Eventually I would have to do one of two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its ‘Can't-Be-Flushed’ threshold.

As I was contemplating this problem, I had what seemed at the time to be a brilliant idea. “Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair all together, and then my crap will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements, things like "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK, or "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled; satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know?

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass-cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. And I mean it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4-block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair, ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my ass-cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum-sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing back in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a Brillo pad. Well, that’s what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

All I can say is friends don’t shave your ass hair!


The end…

Clay Death
10-01-2010, 11:46 PM
highlander. what up daaaaaaaaawg?

.-Federers_Mate-.
04-01-2011, 11:19 AM
Hey guys, i have a little story that i have to share with you. The scene is a private cafe in the Rome Masters. Two Nadal fans who are members of this board have made the trip to Italy to see their fave player in action.Both fans won backstage passes. Here is a somthing from lunch just before the Nadal vs Kevin Kim match in the first round. I hope u all enjoy ;)

In the niche cafe, mtf poster Pirao666 is seated behind a small, segregated table adorned in extravagant cloth upon which sits the most elegant of dishes and cutlery, only the vaguest signs that a meal once sat there. Pirao's personnel chef quickly clears the dishes from in front of the aristocrat and replaces them with a serving of crème brulee, a shot of espresso, and a glass of cognac.

As this scene unfolds, Top Spin Doctor,his face covered in red and yellow paint and sporting a 'i love u RAFA' t shirt that hanged over his body loosely, passes and starts down a nearby hallway. TSD pushes open one of the first doors on his left to find Pirao, back to the door, picking at his belly button in front of a mirror.

Top Spin Doctor: Having trouble getting the ash out?

Pirao, startled by the voice of TSD, jumps in place.

Pirao: Umm... Yeah...

TSD: Let me help.

TSD walks over to Pirao and gets on his knees. He looks up briefly to meet the eyes of TSD and gauge his reaction.TSD then licks his own finger and sticks it in Pirao's belly button, scratching and swirling, much to the delight of Pirao.

Pirao: Teehee. That tickles!

After a couple moments, TSD removes his finger and takes a look at the belly button of the man standing over him. He then looks up once more to regain eye contact.

TSD: All better.

The Doctor gets to his feet and shoots Pirao a sly stare before leaving. A confused look crosses Pirao face as he wonders what to make of this encounter.

10 minutes later both men head off to find their seats.

fast_clay
04-02-2011, 01:25 AM
Hey guys, i have a little story that i have to share with you. The scene is a private cafe in the Rome Masters. Two Nadal fans who are members of this board have made the trip to Italy to see their fave player in action.Both fans won backstage passes. Here is a somthing from lunch just before the Nadal vs Kevin Kim match in the first round. I hope u all enjoy ;)

In the niche cafe, mtf poster Pirao666 is seated behind a small, segregated table adorned in extravagant cloth upon which sits the most elegant of dishes and cutlery, only the vaguest signs that a meal once sat there. Pirao's personnel chef quickly clears the dishes from in front of the aristocrat and replaces them with a serving of crème brulee, a shot of espresso, and a glass of cognac.

As this scene unfolds, Top Spin Doctor,his face covered in red and yellow paint and sporting a 'i love u RAFA' t shirt that hanged over his body loosely, passes and starts down a nearby hallway. TSD pushes open one of the first doors on his left to find Pirao, back to the door, picking at his belly button in front of a mirror.

Top Spin Doctor: Having trouble getting the ash out?

Pirao, startled by the voice of TSD, jumps in place.

Pirao: Umm... Yeah...

TSD: Let me help.

TSD walks over to Pirao and gets on his knees. He looks up briefly to meet the eyes of TSD and gauge his reaction.TSD then licks his own finger and sticks it in Pirao's belly button, scratching and swirling, much to the delight of Pirao.

Pirao: Teehee. That tickles!

After a couple moments, TSD removes his finger and takes a look at the belly button of the man standing over him. He then looks up once more to regain eye contact.

TSD: All better.

The Doctor gets to his feet and shoots Pirao a sly stare before leaving. A confused look crosses Pirao face as he wonders what to make of this encounter.

10 minutes later both men head off to find their seats.

a masterpiece...

david lynch needs to read this... it was written for him and only him...

more!

rocketassist
04-02-2011, 02:18 AM
Clydey needs to come back.

allpro
04-03-2011, 12:21 AM
early february at my dentist’s office.....

allpro: “did you hear that?.....there were screams coming from the other room.”

cute brunette (solid 8): “no, i didn’t hear anything.”

allpro: “you can pretend all you want that nothing’s wrong but i saw dr. katz walking around with blood all over him.”

brunette: “i can’t believe you’re being so gross!.....if he hears you saying this he’s going to charge you extra.”

allpro: “there’s nothing wrong with a little levity in the face of death. say, are you hear for a teeth whitening?”

brunette: “no, why would you ask that?”

allpro: “hmmm....well, dr, katz is known for his teeth whitening. kanye west comes here to get his grill shined.”

brunette: (smiling) “haha, very funny. no, i’m just here for a check up.....and i suppose you’re here to make everyone nervous?”

allpro: “i have that effect on people.”

brunette: “then maybe i shouldn’t be talking to you before seeing a dentist.”

allpro: “that’s probably a good idea, but it’s too late now.”

brunette: (giggles)

allpro: “it’s good to see you have a sense of humor about this. too many people are too serious about nothing. say, before i go in there i’ll need your phone number.”

brunette: “what for?”

allpro: “to warn you in case i don’t make it out alive.”

brunette: “are you sure that’s the reason?”

allpro: “yes, i care about your well-being, and we can discuss your well-being over drinks. here, put your number in.” (handed her my cell phone)

.....we went out for cocktails the following week and on the second date, i left her a trembling mass of flesh and sex fluids.

the moral? be confident, humorous and approach and interact with women constantly.....yes, even at the dentist’s office.

Nathaliia
04-03-2011, 12:39 AM
wow, girls in your country ask guys' phone numbers so easily? :help: in poland she'd be labeled a whore

allpro
04-03-2011, 12:43 AM
wow, girls in your country ask guys' phone numbers so easily? :help: in poland she'd be labeled a whore

you misread. i asked for her number.

Nathaliia
04-03-2011, 12:44 AM
ah yes, now it makes sense
well played then :yeah:

though tbh i'd give my number only if you were a solid 8 too, otherwise no way :p

allpro
04-03-2011, 01:22 AM
though tbh i'd give my number only if you were a solid 8 too, otherwise no way :p

yes, women are becoming more like men – very visually oriented. still, with solid game a man can significantly increase his market value whereas a woman is pretty much stuck with what god has given her.

Clydey
12-02-2011, 09:44 PM
A new story for you all.

Expectations

Porn is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it offers scenarios that one can vicariously live through during figurative dry spells. On the other hand, it creates unrealistic expectations. Consider for a second that porn actors have sex professionally. It necessarily follows that they get plenty of practice and must be good at it. Why, then, do we viewers watch porn and so confidently predict that we can effortlessly recreate what we see on screen? I have never watched Floyd Mayweather fight and imagined that I could match his level of excellence in the ring, since such delusions would almost inevitably lead to a lengthy stay at my local hospital. Yet despite the logical incoherence of my belief that I can match a porn star's excellence in their respective ring, I have regularly fooled myself into believing that this level of sexual competence is attainable for someone of average experience. One such occasion occurred not so long ago.

My partner in crime on this occasion is a girl I will call 'Nikita'. Our time together had been long overdue and I had played out various scenarios in my head ad nauseam, from the romantic to the downright filthy. I had anticipated pulling off her jeans and underwear with ease and teasing her in just the right spot with my tongue, before transitioning flawlessly into the missionary position, then pulling her on top of me for a brief period, before progressing peerlessly into doggy style, finally followed by a Ron Jeremy-like money shot to an area of her body she had deemed appropriate. It all seemed simple enough.

Things started out smoothly, with some standard kissing and groping, followed by undressing. Here is where things became more complicated, since I had underestimated the value of knowing what your partner likes and dislikes. Sex is not a one-size-fits-all act, but rather needs to be tailored to fit. Nikita proceeded to go down on me, which is something that gives me less pleasure than the average male, perhaps due to decreased sensitivity from circumcision. Either way, I provided some moans for the purposes of positive reinforcement, between reminding her not to scrape me with her teeth. After a while, we switched spots and it was finally my time to shine. My tongue got to work, flicking against her clit. And...nothing. I decided to change motions, which led to some brief moans that were likely more out of pity than pleasure. After various experimental motions and areas explored with my tongue, Nikita clasped my cheeks and lifted my face upwards so that I could see her shaking her head sympathetically, as if to say, 'It ain't happening, sweetie'.

Feeling emasculated, I soldiered on and we proceeded to engage in penetrative sex. This was awkward for various reasons, not least of which was the fact that my arthritis was acting up during this particular period. This meant that the standard missionary position felt like it had been initiated after completing 500 push-ups, which caused me to lean on my elbows instead, for a far less satisfying experience. It was deemed necessary for Nikita to take top position at this point, which provided some welcome relief for my joints. As she rode me like a bat out of hell, the lube we had applied earlier began to squelch loudly and frequently, which initially sounded like Nikita was queefing with abandon. Although we both found this hilarious, it was far too distracting for us to be able to continue.

My lady friend hopped off and began to give me a baby oil-aided handjob, which was thoroughly enjoyable. 'Where do you want to cum?' she asked eagerly. 'On your tits', I panted romantically in reply. Now, anyone who has experienced a handjob assisted with baby oil should be familiar with the extreme sensitivity that follows orgasm. My companion was, needless to say, not familiar with this. It should also be noted that I fully intended to sit up, get on my knees and unleash a load onto Nikita's chest. Feeling far too comfortable to move, however, I decided to just lay there like a corpse as I came. With the white lava flowing out of my member and down Nikita's hand, the post-coital hypersensitivity kicked in. Looking confused by my laziness, yet eager to respect my wishes, Nikita began to enthusiastically smear the evicted 'potential human beings' all over her breasts in a manner that would have had the pro-life lobby up in arms. As she did this with her left hand, her right hand continued to stroke my now excruciatingly sensitive cock. Perhaps because she was so focused on getting every last drop of my cum on her chest, Nikita failed to notice me convulsing and squirming from what was now a torturous handjob, equivalent to waterboarding. I squealed, 'STOP! Let go!' To the uninitiated observer, it would have looked like my cock was being used as a joystick to control my movements. Nikita ceased blanketing her chest in semen and mercifully released my penis from her clutches, as I breathed a sigh of relief.

What have we learned from this? Sex requires communication if you are unfamiliar with each other's likes and dislikes. More importantly, porn stars are really good at sex. Either that or they are very cleverly edited.

Roadmap
12-02-2011, 09:56 PM
Why would you want to recreate porn in a loving relationship? Too forceful and crude. Purely to be watched and not replicated by normal folks like us :cool:

MalwareDie
12-02-2011, 10:09 PM
Clydey is awesome.

fast_clay
12-02-2011, 11:18 PM
:lol: clydey

Clydey
12-03-2011, 12:22 PM
Clydey is awesome.

:lol: clydey

I got into trouble for writing that story.

It was all worth it in the end.

Nathaliia
12-03-2011, 12:45 PM
I've read somewhere you were dating an underage now :confused: is it about this one?

good read nevertheless :lol: porn is being directed and cut though; don't get too excited with it ;)

shotgun
12-03-2011, 01:23 PM
Why would you want to recreate porn in a loving relationship? Too forceful and crude. Purely to be watched and not replicated by normal folks like us :cool:

Exactly. Porn works with your imagination, real sex is more about the situation itself.

Getta
12-03-2011, 01:30 PM
good read

i will read it again

Clydey
12-03-2011, 01:53 PM
I've read somewhere you were dating an underage now :confused: is it about this one?

good read nevertheless :lol: porn is being directed and cut though; don't get too excited with it ;)

Underage? No, she's not underage. :lol:

I wouldn't have sex with someone who couldn't legally consent, obviously. :p:p:p

tennizen
12-03-2011, 01:54 PM
Too late to campaign for popcon, Clydey:D

Clydey
12-03-2011, 01:55 PM
Exactly. Porn works with your imagination, real sex is more about the situation itself.

Well, the whole porn thing was used as a lead in to the main story. I wasn't serious about wanting to recreate porn scenes. The porn thing acted as a nice intro more than anything.

Clydey
12-03-2011, 01:56 PM
Too late to campaign for popcon, Clydey:D

Way too late. Half of the newbies on GM this year probably don't know even know me.

Gagsquet
12-03-2011, 02:01 PM
When is the popcon traditionally held?

Clydey
12-03-2011, 02:05 PM
When is the popcon traditionally held?

Not long after ACC. Not sure if Mr/Ms MTF will be held first.

Gagsquet
12-03-2011, 02:08 PM
Not sure if these contests will be held at all.

Nathaliia
12-03-2011, 02:27 PM
i don't think anyone would like me to run the popcon again :lol:

though, i am definitely encouraging someone else to take care of it; it was a good fun and there was more beyond than bitching and clique voting; once the battle smoke fell down, it turned out you met many nice people

for example Sue and Goldenoldie could run it together :p i'd tell them by PM how we fix the draw :)

Gagsquet
12-03-2011, 10:30 PM
It would be a little sad if popcon is not run this year. Mr/Mrs ,on the other hand, is too much an attention whore-like contest, not my cup of tea.

leng jai
12-03-2011, 10:36 PM
Mr MTF without Filo V? Its like ACC all over again.

tennizen
12-04-2011, 12:30 AM
i don't think anyone would like me to run the popcon again :lol:


You just want to be begged and I am willing and eager and ready to do it.

http://i338.photobucket.com/albums/n409/smoothvibes/smiley/begging.gif

http://school.mapleshade.org/ravizius/period7/Silverman-Alicia/begging%20dog.gif

http://www.superherofigurineforum.com/images/smilies/Smiley-Begging.gif

Nathaliia
12-04-2011, 03:00 PM
Lol nope but look for example tuesday and wednesday i go to the movie studio at 5.50 am and come back even past 8 pm and i cant use a computer inside. I can be this busy 3 or even 4 days a week

tennizen
12-04-2011, 08:50 PM
Lol nope but look for example tuesday and wednesday i go to the movie studio at 5.50 am and come back even past 8 pm and i cant use a computer inside. I can be this busy 3 or even 4 days a week

Then get some of your (or Nikki's) DA's to organize it:p