send your jokes please [Archive] - MensTennisForums.com

send your jokes please

hedgehog
03-14-2004, 09:55 AM
Not sure if a thread like this has been done before but thought it would be cool if people could send in their fave jokes. long or short, it doesnt matter !

I will kick us off

A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."

pixiedreamer
03-14-2004, 10:07 AM
Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''

Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''

Clem: ''What did thief do then?''

Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''

rassklovn
03-14-2004, 10:14 AM
Q: What do you call one beautiful woman in Australia?
A: Lost

Q: What do you call two beautiful women in Australia?
A: Tourists

Q: What do you call three beautiful women in Australia?
A: Beauty contest

rassklovn
03-14-2004, 10:15 AM
Q: What is the definition of a perfect marriage?
A: A blind wife and a deaf husband.

armaniman
03-14-2004, 10:16 AM
whats the difference between onions and bagpipes??

Nobody cries when you cut up bagpipes

rassklovn
03-14-2004, 10:22 AM
Nith Looking Horth

Early one morning the owner of a horse stud farm gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who is interested in buying a horse. He is on his way over."

Soon the midget arrives at the breeding farm. The
owner of the stud farm asks if he is interested in a male or female
horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth!" says the midget. "Can I see her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses
mouth.

"Nith mouth!" says the midget. "Can I see her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"Now, what about the earsth?"

The owner is getting somewhat perturbed as he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the
ears.

"Okay, finally, I'd like to see her twat."

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horses twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should
rephrase... I'd like to see her run!

Mrs. B
03-14-2004, 10:32 AM
Sunday School Money

A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"

"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

Mrs. B
03-14-2004, 10:48 AM
The Stormy Sea

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."

Action Jackson
03-14-2004, 10:48 AM
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table
nearby........all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
Champagne to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl,
saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and
it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off 3inches. Just send the bottle back please."

armaniman
03-14-2004, 10:49 AM
Tony Blair was delighted today to announce the first Japanese politician to join a british government.

He has been brought into the Labour party to sort out the illegal immigrant crisis......

His name is Mr.Hu Yu Bin Hi Din

Action Jackson
03-14-2004, 10:54 AM
Did you hear about Alex Corretja's new coach? He was appointed before Indian Wells, to sort out his game.

He is a Korean guy named Win Wun Soon.

He has been so successful that he has won 2 matches.

Action Jackson
03-14-2004, 11:01 AM
How do you know when a politician is lying?

Their lips move.

Mrs. B
03-14-2004, 11:03 AM
Vatican Fried Chicken

During a Papal audience, a businessman approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again, this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined.

A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

Action Jackson
03-18-2004, 09:26 AM
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over
and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of
another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.

The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery.

Mrs. B
03-18-2004, 10:34 AM
...

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer and goes to Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach and asks, "what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "it's Keith, the midget."

tegan
03-18-2004, 03:21 PM
what do you call a fish with no eyes....


"fsh"!!!

:p


cracks me up EVERY TIME!!! it's just SO fun to say "fsh"

armaniman
03-19-2004, 12:05 AM
whats the definition of an irishman???

a simple machine that converts guiness into piss LOL

armaniman
03-19-2004, 12:07 AM
what do you call a fish with no eyes....


"fsh"!!!

:p


cracks me up EVERY TIME!!! it's just SO fun to say "fsh"


a fish with no eyes??? are you talking about mardy against federer the other day? lmao

tegan
03-19-2004, 11:39 AM
armaniman.......... bwaaaaaahahahahaha!!!!!

not what i meant - but totally applies! OH YEAH! :worship:

CooCooCachoo
03-19-2004, 01:35 PM
I am so not funny.. can't be of any help here ;)

tegan
03-19-2004, 04:06 PM
please - no one take offense at this joke!
i'm just telling it the way i heard it. you could replace the Norwegians with any other nationality you want! no matter what you use - it's still pretty damn funny. ;)


A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy YOU a drink. If you can't then you buy ME one. OK?" "Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian. Said the Indian, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?" "It was ME," chortled the Indian. So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies, Sven Sandvik. "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, YOU have to buy ME vun. Fair enough?" "Fair enough," said Sven. "Ok...my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?" "Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who was it?" Said the Norwegian, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota."

tegan
03-19-2004, 04:49 PM
Why Men Pee Standing Up :

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it.

So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited.

He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

"What's it called? Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.

CooCooCachoo
03-19-2004, 05:00 PM
That last one is pretty good ;) Even though I am male lol

Mrs. B
03-21-2004, 07:25 PM
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots shed ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why dont yall come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, maam. Ahm real flattered. Aint nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Dont be flattered . . .take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

MisterQ
03-21-2004, 07:31 PM
Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow wh---

MOOO!

Mrs. B
03-21-2004, 08:04 PM
knock knock

who's there?

Boo

Boo who?

Don't cry, it's only a corny joke.

tegan
03-22-2004, 04:13 PM
Knock Knock.......

who's there?

Dwayne.....

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the bafftub - i'm dwowning!!!!!!!

melbournechick
03-23-2004, 01:11 AM
why did Tigger stick his head down the toilet???

he was looking for pooh

Action Jackson
03-23-2004, 01:23 AM
Knock knock

who's there?

Brittney Spears?

Brittney Spears who?

That's showbusiness.

melbournechick
03-23-2004, 01:24 AM
Confusious says.....

Man who fly plane upside down have crackup

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake with smelly finger

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Man who walk through airport door sideways always going to Bangkok

MisterQ
03-23-2004, 03:05 AM
Ah, these jokes are so stupid! Keep 'em coming! The dumber the better! :lol:

Fumus
03-26-2004, 08:14 PM
Ah, these jokes are so stupid! Keep 'em coming! The dumber the better! :lol:

yea, you stole one and didn't site the author Q!! :o

MisterQ
03-26-2004, 09:52 PM
But it was perfect for the situation, don'tcha think? ;)

scoobydoo
03-28-2004, 01:24 AM
Teenage boy in chemists......

Boy: "ere miss give us two packets of condoms please"

Assistant: "Dont you "miss" me !!!

Boy: "ok then better make that three"

denim
03-28-2004, 02:06 PM
Thieves last night stole the toilet from the local police station...........

Police say they have an idea of the suspects but have nothing to go on.

mattf
03-31-2004, 10:28 PM
Two unemployed Irish men down on their luck are walking past a farm when they see sign at gate "Tree fellers wanted"

"ah bugger" says Paddy to Connor "bloody shame theres only 2 of us"

Conan the Librarian
04-05-2004, 04:31 PM
Conan is going to have a go in this thread...

One of a regular golfing foursome was ill so they asked a new member called George to step in for their regular Sunday fourball. As it turns out, George was a solid player and great company so they asked him to join them again next Sunday at 9:30. "OK," says George, "but if I'm 10 minutes late, wait for me" The following Sunday George turns up at 9:30 on the dot, plays left handed and beats them all. "Same time next week, George?" asks one of the players. "sure, but if I'm 10 minutes late, wait for me."

The next Sunday comes around and George is as punctual as ever, plays right handed and dishes out another sound thrashing. "You on for next week George?" asks one of the golfers. George replies, "Absolutely, but if I'm 10 minutes late....".

"Hey, wait a minute," interrupts one of the foursome, "you say the same thing every week - if you're 10 minutes late, wait for you. But you're always on time and you always beat us whether you play left or right-handed. What's that all about?"

"Well, I'm very superstitious," said George. "When I wake up, if my wife is lying on her left side, I play left handed and if she is lying on her right side I play right handed."

"And if she is lying on her back?" asked a golfer.

George answers, "That's when I'm 10 minutes late!!"

Catsou
04-05-2004, 04:43 PM
:haha: :haha:

Kristen
04-06-2004, 03:53 AM
Some swedish jokes I found on a Norwegian site a few years back. I guess there are a lot of blondes in Sweden, but feel free to switch "Swede" for Kiwi or other ;) My favourite (because I feel the opposite way!) is:
Q. Why don't they play 'Hide and See' in Sweden?
A. Who wants to find a Swede?
=====================================
The Russians have found a new easy way to sink Swedish subs. The method is very simple, they just send a diver down to knock on the sub's hatch. Upon which the Swedes reply, "Kom inn" (Come in). After the diver has waited awhile he knocks again, and then the Swedes will open the hatch to see who it is. :shrug:

After travelling through Sweden last summer, I noticed that they had something written on the bottom of their soft drink bottles, "Åpnas på andra sidan" (Opens on the other end).

A swede was asked if he had lived in Stockholm all his life. "Not yet," he answered.

A norwegian and a swede were competing to see who could reach furthest out of a window. Quite suddenly the swede won. :bolt:

denim
04-08-2004, 03:56 AM
and welcome to this years bogey olympics

my name is melvin spritely and we here at nostril tv are delighted to bring you live uninterupted coverage of this world spectacle.

competitors are down on the warm up track for the 100 metre flick as you can see, our own medal hope darren honk is excercising his thumb and finger and twitching his nose too.

the current world number one from Germany, Heinz Hooter is reknowned for producing big green footballs so should be amongst the medals.

later on in our schedule we will bring you the field events where swinging the hanky round the head and letting it go has become an art form for local russian favourite Sergi Sneezekov.

so without further a do lets hand you back to our studio of panel experts who can surely pick you a winner or two.

Mrs. B
04-08-2004, 03:00 PM
The Buddha's Vacuum Cleaner:


Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?

A: Because he didn't have any attachments.

Mrs. B
04-26-2004, 09:12 PM
A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.

The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"

The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

Conan the Librarian
04-26-2004, 09:38 PM
Hmmm....

denim
04-28-2004, 07:37 AM
Why do blonde women fail more driving tests than brunettes?

They are not used to being in the front seat

Pink Panther
05-05-2004, 01:28 PM
The bunny one is quite sweet Mrs. B. :)

-----
An American family who were touring Spain decided to stop at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, the father noticed a sizzling scrumptious-looking plate being served at the next table. Not only did it look good but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah, señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull-fight this morning. An absolute delicacy." The American, though momentarily daunted said, "What the hell! I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I'm sorry señor, there's only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only delicacy of the day. After a few bites and inspecting the contents of his plate, he called to the waiter and asked, "These are delicious, but they're much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Sí señor, sometimes the bull wins!"

Catsou
05-05-2004, 06:20 PM
Ok it's not really a joke but I just received it from my friend and though it was pretty funny! Girls will like it I'm quite sure LOL..sorry for the big letters but I'm too lazy to write it again...I just paste it ;)
Mind you I didn't write it :angel: so please guy don't get angry and jump on me ;)

WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?

-THE NICE MEN ARE UGLY.
-THE HANDSOME MEN ARE NOT NICE.
-THE HANDSOME AND NICE MEN ARE GAY.
-THE HANDSOME, NICE AND HETEROSEXUAL MEN ARE MARRIED.
-THE MEN WHO ARE NOT SO HANDSOME, BUT ARE NICE MEN, HAVE NO MONEY.
-THE MEN WHO ARE NOT SO HANDSOME, BUT NICE MEN WITH MONEY, THINK WE ARE AFTER THEIR MONEY.
-THE HANDSOME MEN WITHOUT MONEY ARE AFTER OUR MONEY.
-THE HANDSOME MEN, WHO ARE NOT SO NICE AND SOMEWHAT HETEROSEXUAL, DON'T THINK WE ARE BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH.
-THE MEN WHO THINK WE ARE BEAUTIFUL, THAT ARE HETEROSEXUAL, SOMEWHAT NICE, HAVE MONEY, ARE COWARDS.
-THE MEN WHO ARE SOMEWHAT HANDSOME, SOMEWHAT NICE AND HAVE SOME MONEY AND THANK GOD ARE HETEROSEXUAL, ARE SHY AND NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
-THE MEN WHO NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE, AUTOMATICALLY LOSE INTEREST IN US WHEN WE TAKE THE INITIATIVE.

NOW WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?

MEN ARE LIKE FINE WINE ..... THEY ALL START OUT LIKE GRAPES, AND IT IS OUR JOB TO STOMP ON THEM AND KEEP THEM IN THE DARK UNTIL THEY MATURE INTO SOMETHING YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH. ;)

MisterQ
05-08-2004, 03:30 PM
What do Andy Roddick and a new vegetarian have in common?

give up?!

Hamburg withdrawal.

Lee
05-09-2004, 04:23 AM
Ok it's not really a joke but I just received it from my friend and though it was pretty funny! Girls will like it I'm quite sure LOL..sorry for the big letters but I'm too lazy to write it again...I just paste it ;)
Mind you I didn't write it :angel: so please guy don't get angry and jump on me ;)

WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?

-THE NICE MEN ARE UGLY.
-THE HANDSOME MEN ARE NOT NICE.
-THE HANDSOME AND NICE MEN ARE GAY.
-THE HANDSOME, NICE AND HETEROSEXUAL MEN ARE MARRIED.
-THE MEN WHO ARE NOT SO HANDSOME, BUT ARE NICE MEN, HAVE NO MONEY.
-THE MEN WHO ARE NOT SO HANDSOME, BUT NICE MEN WITH MONEY, THINK WE ARE AFTER THEIR MONEY.
-THE HANDSOME MEN WITHOUT MONEY ARE AFTER OUR MONEY.
-THE HANDSOME MEN, WHO ARE NOT SO NICE AND SOMEWHAT HETEROSEXUAL, DON'T THINK WE ARE BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH.
-THE MEN WHO THINK WE ARE BEAUTIFUL, THAT ARE HETEROSEXUAL, SOMEWHAT NICE, HAVE MONEY, ARE COWARDS.
-THE MEN WHO ARE SOMEWHAT HANDSOME, SOMEWHAT NICE AND HAVE SOME MONEY AND THANK GOD ARE HETEROSEXUAL, ARE SHY AND NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
-THE MEN WHO NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE, AUTOMATICALLY LOSE INTEREST IN US WHEN WE TAKE THE INITIATIVE.

NOW WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?

MEN ARE LIKE FINE WINE ..... THEY ALL START OUT LIKE GRAPES, AND IT IS OUR JOB TO STOMP ON THEM AND KEEP THEM IN THE DARK UNTIL THEY MATURE INTO SOMETHING YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH. ;)

:haha: :haha:

and so true :rolls:

Lee
05-09-2004, 04:48 AM
A Pope and a lawyer died and were waiting at the gate for St. Peter to check their marks on earth.

St. Peter told the Pope: "Ah, you passed with flying colours! Here's the key for your 2 rooms apartment in Heaven."

The lawyer started worrying what kind of accomodation he'd have even if he made it.

After a long time, St. Peter returned: "Hmmm, you just made it. Here's the key to the 100 rooms mansion." The lawyer was speechless :eek: He collected himself and asked St. Peter: "Why the Pope only had a 2 rooms apartment while I could have a 100 rooms mansion?" St. Peter said: "Do you know how many Popes we had in Heaven? And you're the only lawyer!

******************************************

And this is from a lawyer friend of mine ;)

argiesf
05-09-2004, 07:06 AM
James Blake will return home to Connecticut Saturday after being hospitalized in Rome following a freak accident during practice. Blake tumbled head first into a net post while chasing a drop shot Thursday. :haha: :haha: :haha:

Aurora
05-09-2004, 08:26 AM
one moment that was funny, but as soon as you read just how much he hurt his back, it isn't anymore imo

Conan the Librarian
05-09-2004, 10:53 AM
James Blake will return home to Connecticut Saturday after being hospitalized in Rome following a freak accident during practice. Blake tumbled head first into a net post while chasing a drop shot Thursday. :haha: :haha: :haha:

The humour has been lost on Conan.

Mrs. B
05-14-2004, 01:25 PM
Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

Kristen
05-18-2004, 11:54 AM
PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FIRE

A tragic fire last night destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.

Both of his books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the President was devastated, as he had not finished colouring in the second one. ;)

alfonsojose
05-18-2004, 05:35 PM
woman and driving ..

tall_one
06-16-2004, 11:42 PM
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly as he went about doing the examinations.

One morning, the young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No Doc, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner'."

denim
06-16-2004, 11:45 PM
I see you washign your car again dave, what would you do if a bird crapped on your windscreen???

Well I'd dump her obviouslly and end the relationship !!!!