Player Ratings Explained [Archive] - MensTennisForums.com

Player Ratings Explained

hitchhiker
09-27-2005, 12:17 AM
due to requests I am making a new thread for this. Some people may be confused with the USTA league ratings (1.0 to 7.0) so here is the official guide.



1.0 - You stink. Your grabbing the wrong end of the racquet and you
think the green fuzz on the ball has something to do with velcro.


1.5 - Your still stink, but you can tie your own tennis shoes and hit a
ball you have got in your hand towards one of the cardinal points
without hitting yourself in the leg.


2.0 - You have taken a few lessons, and the odour is fading. Your strokes
begin to look less like a grandmother waving a flyswatter at a moth
and more like you are actually trying to accomplish something.


2.5 - This is when you start going to the club round robins, and
discover that despite your previous misconceptions, you still stink.
You are doing alright if you are fed the ball, but everyone else is
really just being nice to you until they can win the point without
embarrasing you.


3.0 - Same as 2.5, but with more topspin.


3.5 - The light is dawning. Your feet begin to move more efficiently.
They do not remain glued to the baseline, but begin to move
around the court, even up to the net on those occasions that you
feel like walking back to the fence to pick up the ball that passed
you.


4.0 - Your discovery of how to hit a serve and overhead allows you
to be one of the people politely destroying 2.5 players on
round robin night.


4.5 - The ball goes where you will it to go, with authoritative pace
and spin. You are king. You are undefeated on Round Robin night,
and wish test your mettle with a greater challenge. You ask
to play a match with your club's top players and after getting
your ass whupped that, in fact, you stink. "But", the Div 1 team
says magnanimously, "You are getting better."


5.0 - Around now, pretty much everyone else at your club stinks.
League play is the only way to get a decent match, and you're
starting to think pretty well of yourself.


5.5 - You crush some 5.0 punk in a league match, and tell him
he stinks.


6.0 - Tennis scholarship. You go to Stanford, play for the university
team, and have some sixteen year old prodigy bagels you in
a practice set and tells you you stink.


6.5 - You are offered a berth in a local ATP qualifier, and lose out
in the pre-draw round robin stage. One of the people in the
audience played tennis with you back in round robin, and he
tells you that you looked pretty good out there, but your
backhand still stinks.


7.0 - The pro level. If you are Tim Henman, your forehand stinks worse than Donald Youngs. You got to this level by yelling at referees, match fixing or taking drugs.

You scream vamos after every point, you have an irritating grunt, put more spin on the ball then anyone else and play in a outfit that superman would be proud of.

Your #1 in the world, you cant seem to figure out why you beat everyone else so easily but you love watching yourself play. You can take weeks off yet come back and beat the opposition while being more concerned about your hairstyle, you have a girlfriend that seems to put on 30 pounds every tournament and you sure hope IMG will make tennis more exciting because at the moment even when you play badly the opponents hand you the match and your wondering if tennis is as fake as the WWE.

You are a Russian drama queen,undisciplined and aren't willing to work hard, at 25 you still cant seem to figure out drinking and partying wont help you win tennis matches. Your a organiser's nightmare as they are not quite sure whether they are paying the appearance fee to one of the best players in the world or someone who is a level below Oscar Hernandez. You go through coaches, like most people go through underwear,but at least you can have a shot of vodka before sleep every night.

Your playing with a gut and it would be great if you could just string together three weeks of consistent tennis. You are good at Davis Cup but thats where it ends. You are under constant pressure as you are the only Argentine not to be busted for drugs but you are being asked for pee samples 3 times a day as a result and maybe that is affecting your tennis.

You have been pro for so long that you as old as most of the current players parents. You have been bold,long haired and everything in between. You walk around the court like you dumped one in your pants and you think Federer is annoying as he just wont let you win one more slam.

You have sued the atp, you are travelling with a pregnant wife and are playing each week with the ultimate goal of "getting to federer". You are being criticised by the gays, the black-Americans, and every minority organisation inthe world. You are so focused on tennis you think the CMONS sound cool.

You get a little confused when your serve keeps being returned, and the pressure of being the next US big hope is getting to you. Your backhand sucks but is a stroke of beauty compared to your volley, not only do you lose matches but you also lost your mojo and you cant quite figure out why you got rid of Gilbert. You have also ruined a promising pie business.
You think Federer sucks but you will keep throwing the kitchen sink at him.

You serve out of a tree, dont do anything else, play 1029838485 tiebreaks a year and you're boring to watch. John McEnroe and Bud Collins are saying inane things about you on international television. And people on menstennisforums are still debating whether or not you stink.

Chloe le Bopper
09-27-2005, 12:23 AM
hitchhiker is back :hearts:

BigboyDan
09-27-2005, 12:24 AM
Beautiful.

NYCtennisfan
09-27-2005, 01:25 AM
LOL! That's actually pretty damn acurate. You need more of these types of threads.

bad gambler
09-27-2005, 03:06 AM
hitch :worship:

Purple Rainbow
09-27-2005, 03:11 AM
Wow! I'm impressed at your ability to sneak Mirka into every post of yours! :worship:

Federerhingis
09-27-2005, 04:44 AM
:haha: :haha: :tape: I shall not disclose what my ntrp is or however the acronym goes. :tape:

buddyholly
09-27-2005, 04:50 AM
Memo to adee_gee: This is how a real ''Saviour of MTF'' posts.

Eclectic Goddess
09-27-2005, 05:08 AM
I want to be offended, but I can't. It's just too funny. (Except that bit about Mirka. She's looks fine, I don't know why everyone always picks on her weight.)

Chloe le Bopper
09-27-2005, 05:12 AM
(Except that bit about Mirka. She's looks fine, I don't know why everyone always picks on her weight.)

I don't get the crap about mirka either, but I'm willing to let it go in this post ;)

In general, people pick on her weight because they are comparing her to models - which is very fucking sick, but I'll save that for another day.

El Legenda
09-27-2005, 05:17 AM
5.0 - Around now, pretty much everyone else at your club stinks.
League play is the only way to get a decent match, and you're
starting to think pretty well of yourself.


5.5 - You crush some 5.0 punk in a league match, and tell him
he stinks.

haha there was few 5 today at my colleges Intermural Tennis Tourny, all acting like they are Federer, then they played me, and i did what 5.5 says :lol: Freshman and Soph year Missouri State Intermural Tennis Champion.

jole
09-27-2005, 05:32 AM
hitchhiker is back :hearts:

Your prophetic declaration of hitchhiker as The Sage has been confirmed. His presence has been summoned back, and this forum is all the better for it.

1sun
09-27-2005, 06:39 AM
lol

adee-gee
09-27-2005, 07:32 AM
hitchhiker you're in some good form :yeah:

adee-gee
09-27-2005, 07:33 AM
Memo to adee_gee: This is how a real ''Saviour of MTF'' posts.

Mate I'm beginning to get a bit concerned. Virtually every post you write is about me. Stay away from me, I'm not interested.

ataptc
09-27-2005, 08:19 AM
:spit:

Noelle
09-27-2005, 09:18 AM
:rolls: :lol: :haha:

vincayou
09-27-2005, 09:38 AM
I'm an hitchhiker addict.

TheMightyFed
09-27-2005, 09:44 AM
Your playing with a gut and it would be great if you could just string together three weeks of consistent tennis. You are good at Davis Cup but thats where it ends. You are under constant pressure as you are the only Argentine not to be busted for drugs but you are being asked for pee samples 3 times a day as a result and maybe that is affecting your tennis. :lol: :rocker: :rolls: :rolls:
...the best part... just hilarious, keep going, and bottom line everybody "stinks" in tennis, so guess in what kind of atmosphere we're evolving... :worship:

hitchhiker
09-27-2005, 11:17 AM
the last hitchhiker MTF entry for a while can be found at:

http://www.menstennisforums.com/showthread.php?t=54966

vincayou
09-27-2005, 11:27 AM
the last hitchhiker funny T-shirt can be found at:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0009FHDLK/qid=1127820395/sr=8-3/ref=pd_bbs_3/104-9631351-6888748?v=glance&n=507846

And don't forget the special offer this month, one free joke from hitchhiker in each box of Kellogs cornflakes.

michelleg
09-27-2005, 01:20 PM
Simply magnificent.

joske
09-27-2005, 02:38 PM
:worship: pretty good stuff :lol:

Shabazza
09-27-2005, 02:49 PM
:haha: you rock hitch :yeah:

Rex
09-27-2005, 03:24 PM
lol- great post

ToanNguyen
09-27-2005, 06:17 PM
You serve out of a tree, dont do anything else, play 1029838485 tiebreaks a year and you're boring to watch. John McEnroe and Bud Collins are saying inane things about you on international television. And people on menstennisforums are still debating whether or not you stink.
Great post. Very funny. But who is he referring to here? Sorry, I cannot think of the player. Thanks.

TheMightyFed
09-27-2005, 06:23 PM
Great post. Very funny. But who is he referring to here? Sorry, I cannot think of the player. Thanks.
Karlovic...

NINA_BCN
09-27-2005, 06:30 PM
:haha:

ToanNguyen
09-27-2005, 07:03 PM
Karlovic...
Thank you.

hitchhiker
01-11-2006, 11:19 AM
bump for the noobs who want to learn the ratings

Curls
01-11-2006, 11:27 AM
:haha: ... love the Russian Drama Queen :yeah:

lilfairyprincess
01-11-2006, 02:06 PM
thanks for bumping this..i remember readin it the first time round and found it hilarious!!
it's definately brightened up my otherwise dull and revision-full day :sad:

hitchhiker :yeah:

Scarlett
01-11-2006, 04:08 PM
thanks for bumping this, i had a crap day at work today and this just made me laugh :)

Lleytonisthebest
01-11-2006, 04:37 PM
lol the same fo me!! so boring to see always federer playing bad but still winning....

Action Jackson
12-05-2006, 04:07 AM
A true MTF classic thread.

r2473
06-13-2007, 06:27 PM
I still get a laugh out of this.

MightyServe
07-30-2007, 10:09 AM
very funny and helpful...if only being a professional tennis player was like that =]

bayvalle
07-30-2007, 01:20 PM
I think I know the one who could have also thrown the kitchen sink - in vain. In fact, he could have also thrown the refrigerator, the dining table, even the whole Rod Laver arena, only to see them back flying back to him. Why, even the racket he accidentally threw at the Chinese photographer could also have possibly come back. "I will never play with that guy again." he could have sworn. "Is he doing that on purpose?"

GlennMirnyi
08-11-2007, 05:27 AM
Bump. Amazing thread.

The_Nadal_effect
08-11-2007, 06:44 AM
I tried doing a MariaV to it! :)

due to requests I am making a new thread for this. Some people may be confused with the USTA league ratings (1.0 to 7.0) so here is the official guide.



1.0 - You stink. Your grabbing the wrong end of the racquet and you
think the green fuzz on the ball has something to do with velcro.


1.5 - Your still stink, but you can tie your own tennis shoes and hit a
ball you have got in your hand towards one of the cardinal points
without hitting yourself in the leg.


2.0 - You have taken a few lessons, and the odour is fading. Your strokes
begin to look less like a grandmother waving a flyswatter at a moth :lol:
and more like you are actually trying to accomplish something.


2.5 - This is when you start going to the club round robins, and
discover that despite your previous misconceptions, you still stink.
You are doing alright if you are fed the ball, but everyone else is
really just being nice to you until they can win the point without
embarrasing you. :haha:


3.0 - Same as 2.5, but with more topspin. :p


3.5 - The light is dawning. Your feet begin to move more efficiently.
They do not remain glued to the baseline, but begin to move
around the court, even up to the net on those occasions that you
feel like walking back to the fence to pick up the ball that passed
you.


4.0 - Your discovery of how to hit a serve and overhead allows you
to be one of the people politely destroying 2.5 players on
round robin night.


4.5 - The ball goes where you will it to go, with authoritative pace
and spin. You are king. You are undefeated on Round Robin night,
and wish test your mettle with a greater challenge. You ask
to play a match with your club's top players and after getting
your ass whupped that, in fact, you stink. "But", the Div 1 team
says magnanimously, "You are getting better."


5.0 - Around now, pretty much everyone else at your club stinks.
League play is the only way to get a decent match, and you're
starting to think pretty well of yourself.


5.5 - You crush some 5.0 punk in a league match, and tell him
he stinks. :devil:


6.0 - Tennis scholarship. You go to Stanford, play for the university
team, and have some sixteen year old prodigy bagels you in
a practice set and tells you you stink. :eek:


6.5 - You are offered a berth in a local ATP qualifier, and lose out
in the pre-draw round robin stage. One of the people in the
audience played tennis with you back in round robin, and he
tells you that you looked pretty good out there, but your
backhand still stinks. :rolleyes:


7.0 - The pro level. If you are Tim Henman, your forehand stinks worse than Donald Youngs. You got to this level by yelling at referees, match fixing or taking drugs.

You scream vamos after every point, you have an irritating grunt, put more spin on the ball then anyone else and play in a outfit that superman would be proud of.:worship:

Your #1 in the world, you cant seem to figure out why you beat everyone else so easily but you love watching yourself play. You can take weeks off yet come back and beat the opposition while being more concerned about your hairstyle, you have a girlfriend that seems to put on 30 pounds every tournament :lol: and you sure hope IMG will make tennis more exciting because at the moment even when you play badly the opponents hand you the match and your wondering if tennis is as fake as the WWE.

You are a Russian drama queen,undisciplined and aren't willing to work hard, at 25 you still cant seem to figure out drinking and partying wont help you win tennis matches. Your a organiser's nightmare as they are not quite sure whether they are paying the appearance fee to one of the best players in the world or someone who is a level below Oscar Hernandez. You go through coaches, like most people go through underwear,but at least you can have a shot of vodka before sleep every night.:cool:

Your playing with a gut and it would be great if you could just string together three weeks of consistent tennis. You are good at Davis Cup but thats where it ends. You are under constant pressure as you are the only Argentine not to be busted for drugs but you are being asked for pee samples 3 times a day as a result and maybe that is affecting your tennis.

You have been pro for so long that you as old as most of the current players parents. You have been bold,long haired and everything in between. You walk around the court like you dumped one in your pants and you think Federer is annoying as he just wont let you win one more slam.

You have sued the atp, you are travelling with a pregnant wife and are playing each week with the ultimate goal of "getting to federer". You are being criticised by the gays, the black-Americans, and every minority organisation inthe world.:help: You are so focused on tennis you think the CMONS sound cool.

You get a little confused when your serve keeps being returned, and the pressure of being the next US big hope is getting to you. Your backhand sucks but is a stroke of beauty compared to your volley:rocker2:, not only do you lose matches but you also lost your mojo and you cant quite figure out why you got rid of Gilbert. You have also ruined a promising pie business.
You think Federer sucks but you will keep throwing the kitchen sink at him.

You serve out of a tree, dont do anything else, play 1029838485 tiebreaks a year and you're boring to watch. John McEnroe and Bud Collins are saying inane things about you on international television. And people on menstennisforums are still debating whether or not you stink:sad: .


Stupid pathetic oaf! That was so stinking good! :rolls: :yeah:

lina_seta
08-11-2007, 07:06 AM
HAHAHA lol
its actually very funny to see all players criticized at the same time...
graciously accurate though lol.

The_Nadal_effect
08-11-2007, 05:18 PM
Bump!

Action Jackson
04-27-2009, 06:31 PM
Still relevant today.

habibko
04-28-2009, 12:25 AM
great bump :lol:

heartbroken
04-28-2009, 04:38 AM
:lol: In the mid 90s, I was around a 4.5 level. Now, 2.5 would be a great day for me. I can no longer volley, or hit overheads, two things I used to be very good at. Getting older is a bitch! :lol:

Action Jackson
04-28-2009, 05:16 AM
:lol: In the mid 90s, I was around a 4.5 level. Now, 2.5 would be a great day for me. I can no longer volley, or hit overheads, two things I used to be very good at. Getting older is a bitch! :lol:

Just play the old man Santoro slice.

heartbroken
04-28-2009, 05:32 PM
Just play the old man Santoro slice.

Anymore, my slice isn't worth a damn either. About the only thing I still do well is pop the serve, at least once my arm gets warmed up. Even that takes twenty minutes. :D

ORGASMATRON
04-28-2009, 05:43 PM
Awesome :hearts:

Action Jackson
12-17-2010, 02:04 AM
Learn your ratings humanoids.

paseo
12-17-2010, 02:14 AM
:lol:
This is great.

oranges
12-17-2010, 02:51 AM
:lol: Wish hitchiker still posted, every thread that's been bumped is pure gold