Original Jokes

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07-08-2004, 10:06 PM
Post an original joke which you heard lately. I'll start:

Why did the chicken cross the street? (only kidding ;) )


A middle aged man had just bought a brand new Ferrari and decided to take it out for a test drive to see how fast it can go. Suddenly, he hears sirens and sees a police car behind him.

He thinks to himself "this is a brand new Ferrari, there's no way he can catch me" so he decides to go full speed to get away from the patrol car. After a few seconds he realizes "OMG, what am I doing?!" and pulls over.

The policeman gets out of his car, approaches the man and says to him:
"Listen mate, today is Friday the 13th, this is my last shift before the weekend, and if I give you ticket I'll have even more paper work to do on Monday. If you can give me an excuse for your driving- an excuse that I've never heard before, I'll cut you some slack and let you go without giving you a ticket".

The man thinks for a few seconds and then replies: "My wife left me a week ago for a policeman. I thought you were that policeman and you were chasing me because you wanted to give her back to me".

To which the policeman replies: "Thank you sir, have a nice day."

07-09-2004, 01:25 PM
If you're hearing it second hand, is it really an original joke?

07-09-2004, 02:27 PM
Here is a good one I found:

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

07-09-2004, 04:35 PM
Here is a good one I found:

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

Nice one ;)

07-09-2004, 09:45 PM
Cheers - here is another. Come on people post some more! Laughter is good for you!

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee.

One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.”

The next guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.”

The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”

Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'

“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied.

“Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”

07-09-2004, 10:22 PM
hahahahaha, pretty good.

Here's one:

Five tourists decide to go by car to Italy. They rent an Audi Quattro, and when they cross the border into Italy, the guard says to them "I'm sorry, but I can't let all of you through. You are driving in an Audi Quattro and quattro means 'four' in Italian- but I see you are five people, one of you has to stay behind."

After a lot of arguing the tourists show the border guard the registration papers, where it is clearly stated that up to five people are allowed to be in the car. They show this to the guard, but he remains adamant and refuses to let them through.

Finally, one of the tourists is fed up, and says to the guard "you sodding idiot! You obviously do not understand anything. I want to speak to your boss!".

To which the guard replies: "He will be with you shortly. Right now he's busy with two people in a Fiat Uno."

07-10-2004, 11:28 AM
Good one! :) See if I can match it!

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

07-10-2004, 02:11 PM

Sheesh, tough crowd out there :shrug:

Ok, it's time to step up the pace a little:

This guy who has a big "instrument" decides to have his girlfriend's name, Wendy, tattooed on it. When it shrinks down to its original size, all you can see is "Wy".

One day, he goes to a public bathroom, looks over to the guy standing at the urinal next to him and notices that on his thingo the letters "Wy" are also tattooed. The man is curious so he asks him: "Tell me, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?" The guy shakes his head. So the man asks him "then what does 'Wy' stand for?"

"Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice holiday".

07-10-2004, 05:00 PM
lol - not bad :) . Here is another from me:

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

07-10-2004, 07:11 PM

Ok, I think we need something slightly *stronger* to wake these people up, so I've decided to pull all the stops:

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store". He hasn't been *getting any* from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.

He puts the video in, and starts masturbating. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in...... what happened?!".

To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."

07-11-2004, 09:34 AM
Hehe - a bit adult for the forum ;) ?
I'll try again:

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

07-11-2004, 04:26 PM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

07-11-2004, 04:31 PM

07-11-2004, 04:37 PM
ok, one last try and then I'm packing it in:

This gay guy walks into a public bathroom and at the urinal next to him sees this guy with a huge (you know what).

He asks the guy "How much for you to screw me in the ass?"

The guy responds: "I take $10 for every cm that goes in".

The gay guy fumbles in his pockets and produces a $10 note. "This is all I have"

They go into the booth and the guy carefully puts it in one cm as agreed. Suddenly, a third guy comes storming into the booth, and from the impact of the door swinging open the guy is pushed forward and he rams it all the way in.

The gay guy says: "OOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!! What a bill I'm going to get!"

07-11-2004, 07:00 PM

Nice one! Any more people wanna show their appreciation :confused: ?

07-12-2004, 09:45 AM
Despite what I said in post #14, I still have a couple more up my sleeve and would like to share them with you. Here's one:

Bill Clinton dies and goes to heaven. At the reception he completes all the forms necessary and his escorting angel takes him to a waiting room with several other people.

Bill asks the angel "what is this about?"

The angel explains that everyone has a clock which represents them, and for every act of adultery they commited during their lives the hand of the clock moves one hour forward. Therefore, the clock has to be reset and then will be given back to him.

Bill waits, he sees other people in the room getting their clocks, but still no sign of his. So he waits, and he waits, and he waits....

Finally the angel returns but he doesn't have a clock in his hand.

"I'm sorry", says the angel, "but it took us a while until we could find your clock".

Bill asks: "Then why didn't you bring it with you?"

To which the angel replies: "It is in God's private office. He decided to use it as a replacement for his fan which broke down."

07-12-2004, 09:59 AM
I read it somewhere:

"People in Iraq are firing sitting on donkey carts. Now is that what President Bush is talking about - Weapons of ass destructions?"

07-12-2004, 10:41 AM
Great one RonE!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!! :lol:

GOod one Lalitha too!

More, more more!!!!!!!!

07-12-2004, 07:12 PM
Nice one, Lalitha :rolls:

Speaking of Iraq, I saw this cartoon once where a camel had a rocket in it's mouth, it was kneeling and it's balls were on a rock, ready to be smashed by a guy with a hammer. Underneath the caption read "Iraqi scud missile".

Here's another one from my personal "arsenal":

After the Vietnam war was over, the U.S. army decided to honour it's three bravest soldiers for their outstanding service.

As a reward, each of the three would be given gold from any one part of their body they pointed to to another.

The first one says: "I want gold from the tip of my toes to the top of my head". His measurement is taken, and he receives the amount accordingly.

The second one spreads both his arm as wide as they can go and says: "I want gold from the tip of my right hand to the tip of my left hand". His measurement is also taken and he receives the gold.

The third one says: "I want gold from the tip of my prick to my balls." The guy who takes the measurement is slightly embarassed, but he instructs the soldier to take his pants off so that he can take his measurements.

To his astonishment, he finds the soldier has no balls. So he asks him "where are your balls?"

To which the soldier replies: "Ah, they're in Vietnam".

07-12-2004, 09:12 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

07-12-2004, 09:16 PM

07-12-2004, 09:18 PM
Here is a nice one I picked up:

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

07-13-2004, 12:03 AM
:lol: :haha: :haha:

You guys are hilarious! :yeah:

07-13-2004, 03:05 AM
Someone e-mailed this to me. I don't know how 'original' it's but it's hilarious.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the onlymajor airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget

07-13-2004, 04:13 AM

I should translate some jokes and post them

07-13-2004, 10:00 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:
Good one, Lee! :yeah:

07-13-2004, 10:21 AM
RonE, that disturbed me a bit

07-13-2004, 05:25 PM
Sorry Lalitha, that was not my intention! I was refering to the U.S. cavalry and the Indians- the North American Indians (Native Americans) in the U.S. Perhaps I should have made that a bit clearer. I apologize if you were offended in any way.

07-14-2004, 05:56 AM
Anyway, just to clear the air a little bit, here's another one:

When God created man, all the parts of the body started arguing over who should be the boss of the body.

The brain said: "I control all the actions and I process all the man's thought, therefore I should be the boss"

The legs jumped in and said: "No way! We carry the man to where he wants to go. WE should be boss!"

The stomach said: "Are you guys kidding me?! I digest the food the man eats and turn it into the energy he needs to live. Without me the man wouldn't stay alive. I should be boss"

The eyes said: "You cannot be serious! Without us the man wouldn't be able to seewhere he is going, we should be boss"

The body parts continued to argue when suddenly, the asshole came up and said: "I want to be boss". The other body parts laughed and laughed and laughed so hard that the asshole became angry and closed itself up.

After a few days the brain became foggy, the legs became wobbly and couldn't move, the stomach became bloated and the eyes were unable to stay focused. Finally, the other body parts couldn't take it anymore they said to the asshole: "Ok, we'll make you boss. We'll do anything, just please open up!"

The moral of the story: You don't have to be a brain to be boss...... just an asshole!

07-14-2004, 06:29 AM
Sorry Lalitha, that was not my intention! I was refering to the U.S. cavalry and the Indians- the North American Indians (Native Americans) in the U.S. Perhaps I should have made that a bit clearer. I apologize if you were offended in any way.

RonE, it is okay. I was bit disturbed, but not offended in anyway. You don't have to apologize. :)

Okay, one from me.

"I've been seeing some spots in my eyes nowadays".

"Have you seen a doctor"?

"No, just spots."

07-14-2004, 06:31 AM
hehehehe, good one :worship:

Frommage A Trois
07-14-2004, 06:48 AM
Here are more jokes at this thread.


07-14-2004, 10:35 AM
Thanks Frommage! :yeah:

07-15-2004, 08:59 AM
hmmm... it's been a bit quiet in here lately- think it's time to spice things up again:

Two explorers go trekking in the jungle when suddenly they are surrounded by a group of cannibals. The cannibals take them to their village and present them to the chief of the village.

The 2 explorers are petrified and they beg the chief to spare them and let them go. The chief thinks for a few minutes then says to them: "If you complete the task I set each of you, then your lives will be spared and you will be free to go. The first part of your task is to find a fruit in the jungle- pick any fruit you like- and bring back 100 pieces of that fruit. After that, I will tell you what the second part of the task is."

So, both explorers go out looking for fruit. Explorer #1 finds some grapes, and decides to keep collecting them. He finally collects 100 grapes, as demanded and returns to the village.

He presents the grapes to the village chief. The chief says: "Well done on completing the first part of your task. For the second part, I am going to shove all the 100 grapes you brought up your arse. You may not laugh. If you refrain from laughing while I do this, you will be set free. However, if you laugh, we will boil you alive."

Explorer #1 bends over and the chief starts to shove the grapes in his arse. 1, 2, 3, 4...... 99. He is about to put in the last grape when all of a sudden Explorer #1 bursts out in laughter.

The chief asks him "why did you laugh? There was only one grape left to go and then we would have freed you."

Explorer #1 just keeps on laughing hysterically, pointing to Explorer #2 who had returned carrying 100 watermelons with him.

07-15-2004, 02:53 PM

Great one Rone

07-15-2004, 03:09 PM
:lol: nice one

07-15-2004, 06:00 PM
There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"

They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

07-15-2004, 07:43 PM
:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: Great one Gonzalo81!

07-15-2004, 09:00 PM
I don't know how many of you have heard of Tower Air. For those who haven't- they are now defunct (thank God!) and they used to have a reputation of being one of the worst (if not THE worst) airlines in the world when it came to service, punctuality and security.

Anyway, here's the joke:

A Tower Air flight takes off from New York bound for Europe. Halfway through the flight a loud 'boom' is heard. The captain talks on the PA system: "Ladies and Gentlemen, due to an unexplained technical problem engine #1 seems to have exploded, but do not panic. We still have 3 engines left and we are close enough to our final destination to make it safely."

After an hour, another boom is heard. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have lost engine #2. We have had to decrease airspeed, but we can still make it with 2 engines. Stay calm and enjoy the rest of the flight"

After another hour, yet another boom. "Ladies and gentlemen engine #3 is gone. You'll notice the plane slightly swaying to the right, but that is absolutely normal. We are close enough to make it, remain calm!"

Soon after, another boom and the final engine is history. The captain makes the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have lost all our engines and we are going down. For those of you who can swim, take your life jackets from under your seat and gather at the rear of the plane where the flight attendants will instruct you further..... for those of you who do not know how to swim, thank you for choosing to fly Tower Air!"

Corey Feldman
07-16-2004, 01:06 AM
could you keep the jokes short, when they are long i dont have the strength to read them lol
ok heres 1 of mine (since i like tennis)...

a guy's out jogging and he spots a brand new tennis ball lying in the road. He picks it up and slips it into his shorts' pocket. later, he's standing on a corner waiting for the light to change.
a blonde is standing next to him, and she sees the bulge in his shorts, so she says, "What's that?"
he says, "Tennis ball."
she says, "oh, that must be painful... I had tennis elbow once." :lol:

07-16-2004, 01:08 AM
spot on mate !!! lmaoooo

jokes are funny when they are short and peopel think you just cant say things like that as down to earth people think hey we need light relef in this stiff upper lip politically correct life lmao

why does tony blair whistle when he drops a log???

so he knows which end to wipe :lol:

Corey Feldman
07-16-2004, 01:29 AM
lol :lol:
did you hear about the spanish fireman who named his sons Hose A and Hose B

Corey Feldman
07-16-2004, 01:35 AM
why was phillip's girlfriend dissapointed?........because she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a television. :eek: :eek: :devil:

07-16-2004, 04:40 AM
"What is the difference between Ignorance and Apathy?"

"I don't know & I don't care"

07-16-2004, 09:19 PM
Ok, as requested, here's a short one:

What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

After you dump your load into a washing machine it doesn't follow you around for a week.

07-20-2004, 09:43 AM
Time to revive the thread:

A family living on a farm in the countryside decides that they could boost their income by making beer. So, they open a brewery. After they had manufactured a few samples, they decided to send it to some beer experts so that they could have an opinion about the quality of the beer.

After a few weeks they receive the following letter from the experts:
"Dear Smith Family,
We are sorry to inform you that your horse has diabetes"

07-28-2004, 10:24 AM
I can't think of anything right now, but just to bring this thread back to life:

Q: What is the Astronaut's favourite key in the KeyBoard?

A: The Space Bar

Corey Feldman
07-28-2004, 12:41 PM
I can't think of anything right now, but just to bring this thread back to life:

Q: What is the Astronaut's favourite key in the KeyBoard?

A: The Space Bar


07-28-2004, 02:51 PM
Thanks for reviving the thread, Lalitha :yeah:

Ok, here's one:

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see what they will do when they get out.

He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.

He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball player.

He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"

07-28-2004, 02:57 PM
Another good one I came across:

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Corey Feldman
07-28-2004, 03:34 PM
Another good one I came across:

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

:lol: very talented girl :angel:
good one ronE :yeah:

07-28-2004, 10:44 PM
:lol: very talented girl :angel:
good one ronE :yeah:
Thanks, mate :yeah:

07-28-2004, 10:49 PM
Q: What do you call the Clinton administration?

A: Sex between the bushes

07-29-2004, 06:39 AM
Young Boy : "please can I put my finger in your ear?"

Babysitter : "No, dont be silly its time for your bed"

Young Boy : "Oh go on, Please"

Babysitter : "Oh go on then, anything for peace"

Young Boy: "Thanks"

Babysitter: "HEY !!!!! THAT WAS NOT MY EAR !!!"

Young Boy: "I know .....and that wasn't my finger !!"

07-29-2004, 09:01 AM
When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it’s my boss’s idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

07-29-2004, 09:06 AM
:haha: very nice one Lalitha :yeah:

07-29-2004, 09:12 AM
:lol: I like that

07-29-2004, 11:07 AM
:lol: :haha:

07-29-2004, 11:05 PM
Here's another one:

Out in the jungle is a village and right next to it is a pharmacy. One day, the chief of the village goes to the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: "Big chief no shit". Understanding that the chief is suffering from constipation the pharmacist gives his a box of laxatives.

The following day, the chief returns, irritated, he says to the pharmacist: "Big Chief no shit!" So the pharmacist gives him 3 boxes of laxatives.

A day later, the chief comes back with two of his aides, ranting: "Big Chief noooooo shit!!!" The pharmacist hurriedly hands him 10 boxes of laxatives.

Finally, the next day, the cheif returns yet again, with 5 of his warriors and they are holding their weapons in their hands. The chief is furious as he rants: "BIIIIG CHIEF NOOOO SHIIIIIITTTT!!!!" So the pharmacist, desperate, gives him all the laxatives in his supply.

For a week there is silence until a little old lady comes in to the pharmacy and says: "Big shit, no chief!"

07-30-2004, 05:00 AM
Thanks for reviving the thread, Lalitha :yeah:

No Problems RonE. :yeah:
But, Sorry, I did'nt notice this yesterday.

One from me.

I'm on a 60 day diet. So far I have lost 45 days.

07-30-2004, 08:22 PM
No Problems RonE. :yeah:
But, Sorry, I did'nt notice this yesterday.

One from me.

I'm on a 60 day diet. So far I have lost 45 days.

Kewl :) ;)

07-31-2004, 05:36 AM
What is Kewl??

There is a knock at St.Peter's gate.

"What is that?" - he calls out.

"It should be who is that and not what is that".

"Oh, no! Not an English teacher again"

07-31-2004, 09:58 AM
What is Kewl??

There is a knock at St.Peter's gate.

"What is that?" - he calls out.

"It should be who is that and not what is that".

"Oh, no! Not an English teacher again"

:lol: nice one :yeah:

kewl = cool :cool: (if we are already on the subject of correct grammar and spelling ;) )

08-02-2004, 02:43 AM
found this and thought all of you might like it :)

I am terrible at tennis but my serve is really hard. The result of which is that balls go over the high fence sometimes, so after a game I change into my normal clothes and leave the club.

I walk around the premises to the other side where there are a few trees and bushes against the high fence. Beyond the bushes is a dry ditch and a road.
I had already found three tennisballs and stuffed them in my pockets. I was walking hunched over, following the edge of the road along the dry ditch looking for more balls in the undergrowth.

A man came along the road and asked me if I was okay? I straigthenend up and said "yeah I'm okay, its just tennisballs you know"

"MAN you are TOUGH!" he exclaimed; "I only had a tennis ELBOW and remember how much THAT hurt!"

08-02-2004, 05:12 AM
:lol: nice one!

A scence at court room

"Young man, What do you do for a living"?

"This and That".

"Where do you live?"

"Here and There"

"Take him away" says the judge.

Wait a minute, when will I get released?

"Sooner or later"

08-02-2004, 06:44 PM
:haha: :lol:

Good one Lalitha

08-02-2004, 10:09 PM
I have another one- its a tad crude, so all you young 'uns out there, cover your screen or something ;) Anyway, here goes:

An old farmer living with his son steps out to the backyard and sees the grass has grown considerably.

He turns to his son and says to him "Son, could you please mow the lawn? I'm a tired old man, I have arthritis and I can't do it anymore"

The son obliges and takes the lawnmower.

Some time later the old man comes out to join his son in the backyard. He says to him "you did a fine job, Son. But you left those two patches over there untouched. Why is that?"

"See that patch?" says the son, pointing to one of the patches "That is where I had my first ever sexual experience."

The old man is susrprised and says "really? Then what about that other patch?"

"Oh, thats where her mother stood watching us"

The old man is totally shocked "you mean to tell me you were doing her while her mother watched you?!"


"And what did the mother say?"

To which the son replied: "Baaaaaaaa......" http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/animal/2/animal04.gif

08-03-2004, 01:10 AM
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot issensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

08-03-2004, 03:35 AM

08-03-2004, 09:46 AM
Hope I don't get banned for this.

08-03-2004, 11:23 AM
:haha: :haha: Great one, Tall-One!

Funny one too Lalitha :yeah: - if you get banned for it, then I'd probably be serving a prison sentence for some of my jokes.

This is actually a true story but it cracks my dad up every time he remembers it-

You know how here in Britain cars have a sticker which says GB on it (stands for Great Britain). Anyway, my dad was on his way to work and he was in a hurry so he cut accross this truck driver. At the next stop light, the truck driver lowered his window and asked my dad "Mate, what's the GB for? 'Getting Better'?"

08-03-2004, 03:53 PM
A chicken and a horse are playing in the barn. Suddenly, the horse falls into a big hole and can't get out. The horse asks the chicken to help him get out. The chicken goes, gets a big BMW and attatches a rope to the car. The horse grabs the rope and the chicken, driving the BMW hauls the horse out of the hole.

A few days later the chicken and the horse are playing again, when this time the chicken falls into the hole. The chicken says to the horse "get the BMW and pull me out"

The horse says "I don't need a BMW, just grab on to my penis". So the chicken grabs on to the horse's penis and he pulls the chicken out of the hole.

The moral of the story is this: When you have a dick the size of a horse's dick, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Corey Feldman
08-03-2004, 03:58 PM

08-03-2004, 04:02 PM
Great one RonE....

Corey Feldman
08-03-2004, 04:09 PM
:yeah: Rone, i'll never think of my horse in the same way again http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/character/2/character37.gif

08-03-2004, 04:12 PM
:yeah: Rone, i'll never think of my horse in the same way again http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/character/2/character37.gif

:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

and what about your chicks? http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/animal/1/animal30.gif

Corey Feldman
08-03-2004, 04:15 PM
Ive fed them too papasmurf http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/happy/3/happy04.gif

08-03-2004, 08:04 PM
Here´s one from me...

Picture perfect

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."

The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

08-03-2004, 08:07 PM
Here´s another one....

Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.

08-03-2004, 11:36 PM
:haha: :haha: :haha: great one, Gonzalo :yeah:

08-04-2004, 05:56 AM
A helicopter was flying around Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window.

The pilot’s sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,determined the course to steer to SEATTLE airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

08-04-2004, 06:19 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

08-04-2004, 01:13 PM
:haha::haha::haha::haha::haha: Lalitha

08-04-2004, 01:40 PM
A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"

The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"

The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?"

The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!"

The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"

The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in quarters!"

08-04-2004, 01:43 PM
Here´s one from me...

Picture perfect

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."

The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

Corey Feldman
08-04-2004, 01:51 PM
A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! I've GOT to make it with you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"

The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"

The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?"

The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!"

The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"

The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in quarters!"
:lol: http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/character/2/character06.gif

08-04-2004, 01:52 PM

08-04-2004, 03:10 PM
Nice one! ;) :lol:

08-04-2004, 03:11 PM
:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: tall_one!!!!! :yeah: :worship:

08-04-2004, 03:12 PM
elroyf, haven't seen you in a while

08-05-2004, 07:31 AM
Nice one talll_one :lol:

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
’My, you look tired,’ she said. ’You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?’
’It was terrible,’ her husband said, ’The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.’

08-05-2004, 07:32 AM
One more, I found this one good as well.

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.
The first beggar wrote ’Beggar’ on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote ’Beggar.com’ on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote ’e-Beg’ on his cup.Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy.

In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b Idustry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

Corey Feldman
08-05-2004, 12:55 PM
Here´s another one....

Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.
http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/travesmilies/smilie_hexe2.gif :eek:

08-05-2004, 10:30 PM
Nice one, Lalitha :lol:

A guy with a very short temper arrives at work one day. His co-workers found out that his mother had just passed away, but because of his temper they are afraid to tell him about it.

They call his wife and tell her the news. She tells them not to worry about it, and that she will tell him as soon as he gets home.

So, the man arrives at home to find a big load of dirty dishes in the sink. His wife tells him to do the dishes.

He asks: "Why should I do the dishes? Did someone die?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. It was your mother."

08-06-2004, 02:59 AM

08-06-2004, 06:57 AM
That was inded a good joke, RonE. :lol: But then why Mother-in-laws are always portrayed as evil?

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.

Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn’t move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that’s coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher’s feet. "Dear God, bless this food am about to receive..."

08-06-2004, 12:07 PM
Great one Lalitha :lol:

08-07-2004, 04:53 AM
An elderly couple would constantly argue about everything. The woman often ended the arguments by stating vociferously, "I'll dance on your grave! I'll dance on your grave!"

Well, sure enough, the old geezer died first.

His last request was that he be buried at sea.

08-07-2004, 09:15 AM
One woman to another at a dinner party: “Where’s that beautiful girl who was serving drinks?”
“Whom do you want? The girl or a drink?”
“Neither. I’m searching for my husband.”

08-07-2004, 09:29 AM
Great jokes Lalitha and Tall-One :haha:. As for the mother-in-law thing, I don't know, I guess it has to do with mothers wanting to be involved more in their children's lives. But anyway, here's another one:

An elderly couple in a retirement home are sitting on their rocking chairs sipping tea, when all of a sudden the man says to his wife "darling, fuck you"

"Yes darling, fuck you too" replies the wife. They sit in silence for a few minutes. After a while the man again says "darling, fuck you." "Yes darling, fuck you too."

This goes on again for a few more times, until the man, exasperated says: "I say, darling. This oral sex business is really not what it's cracked up to be, is it?"

08-07-2004, 10:20 AM
That was wonderful RonE :yeah: :rolls:

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma’am, I’d rather be savagely ***** by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I’m sorry, I didn’t know there was a choice. I’ll have the same thing he’s having."

08-07-2004, 10:42 AM
OMG :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

08-07-2004, 10:56 AM

08-07-2004, 11:02 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road

Corey Feldman
08-07-2004, 01:21 PM
to get to the other side :rolleyes:

08-07-2004, 03:48 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road
because the farmer was chasing him :lol:

08-07-2004, 09:31 PM
This really short man walks into a seafood restaurant. He sits down at the table and asks the waiter "do you serve shrimps?"

The waiter looks at him with an awkward expression on his face and says: "we serve everybody, sir".

08-07-2004, 10:07 PM

08-07-2004, 11:51 PM
Thanks. Here's another:

A man walks into a high class French restaurant. He sits down and asks the waiter "Do you have frog's legs?"

The waiter replies: "Et oui, but of course monsieur".

"Wonderful. Be a good chap then, hop down the road and get me a hamburger."

08-08-2004, 12:34 AM

08-08-2004, 02:06 PM
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

Corey Feldman
08-08-2004, 02:11 PM
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."


08-08-2004, 02:55 PM
Great one Tall-One :haha: :haha: :haha:

08-08-2004, 03:03 PM
JAJAJAJA :haha: Tall-one

08-09-2004, 07:15 AM
ok... 2 old men with alsaymas (wen u forget stuff) were sitting on a bench at the park. One of the men says "Do u want sumthin from the canteen" and the other man goes "wats the point, ull forget my order by the time u get there" but the other old man says "no i wont forget, wat do u want."
so he says "Ok, make it icecream with chocolate toppings and nuts." So the old man walks ova to the canteen repeating his order so he doesnt forget.
about 10mins later he comes back to the bench and the old man sitting down says, "i knew u would forget, u forgot my fries!"

HAHAHA tell me if u dont get it lol

08-10-2004, 02:10 AM
Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, " I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Slim, " No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants

08-10-2004, 05:39 AM

08-10-2004, 07:42 AM

08-12-2004, 01:06 AM
Sorry for the long joke, but it is worth it :D


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hannifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!". It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had His number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.


"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 4th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

08-12-2004, 01:10 AM
:haha: I knew that one, and its great...:lol:

08-12-2004, 06:07 AM
:lol: Yes, tall_one, it's worth reading such a long joke.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I’ll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I’ll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

08-12-2004, 08:01 AM
OMG! neva heard that joke before tall_one haha oh wat a crack up

08-12-2004, 08:27 AM
i got one, its a little long but its pretti funni

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

08-12-2004, 10:21 AM
:hah: :haha: :haha: x 1000000000000000000000000000000000000]

tall_one, that was one of the BEST I've ever heard!!!!!! :yeah:

08-12-2004, 03:35 PM
:haha: Skye.....great one :lol:

08-13-2004, 09:54 AM
A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman’s shoulders to fasten the wings.

Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo. "I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I’ll go to the other place."

"You want to go hell", he replies. "They **** and sodomize you down there" "I don’t care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."

08-13-2004, 09:56 AM
lol... nice one lalitha

08-13-2004, 11:49 AM
OMG Lalitha :haha: :haha: :haha:

08-13-2004, 07:31 PM
JAJAJAJAJAJAJA......:haha: :lol: ........thats a very funny one Lalitha

08-13-2004, 09:04 PM
A priest and a rabbi are sitting side by side on a train.

The priest takes out a ham sandwich and starts eating it. He says to the rabbi: "Mmmmmm, ham tastes so good, why don't you eat it?"

So the rabbi replies: "Because it is forbidden in our religion."

The priest says: "You don't know what you're missing out on. Why don't you just try one bite and see how good it is"

"No thanks" says the rabbi.

"What does it take to convince you to just taste it? When will you finally try some ham?"

To which the rabbi replied: "At your wedding"

08-14-2004, 12:10 PM
Good one :yeah:

Here is an interesting excerpt from the conversation that a computer professional has with his wife on returning home late from work.

Husband: Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.

Wife: Have you brought the groceries?

Husband: Bad command or filename.

Wife: What about my new TV?

Husband: Variable not found ...

Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied ...

Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband: Too many parameters ...

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are a useless nut.

Husband: By Default.

Wife: What about your salary?

Husband: File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife: Who was in the car this morning?

Husband: System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.

Wife: Care for a drink?

Husband: File system is full.

Wife: Who do you think I am?

Husband: Unknown Virus.

08-14-2004, 12:21 PM
One more.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It’s just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can’t"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

08-14-2004, 01:34 PM
haha...u have so mani funni jokes lalitha

08-14-2004, 04:18 PM
Lalitha :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :yeah: :worship: :worship:

08-14-2004, 04:23 PM
HAHAHAHA :haha::haha::haha: Lalitha

08-15-2004, 06:52 AM
Thanks guys. :hug:

One more to enjoy.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone"

08-15-2004, 07:27 AM
lol ur on fire

08-15-2004, 09:39 AM
ROTFLMAO :haha: :haha: :haha:

08-15-2004, 09:56 AM
lol omg i still find it funni afta reading it like 10 times lmao!

08-16-2004, 11:25 AM
Thanks again :hug:

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn’t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how’s Mom?" asked the man.

"She’s on the roof and won’t come down."

08-16-2004, 11:29 AM
I just went :haha: while reading this. Could'nt read it completely at a single shot, but here it is :haha:

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping the items got mixed up. (The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

" Dearest Darling This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time. No doubt other men’s hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night. P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing. All My Love Jimmy."

08-16-2004, 11:31 AM
lol....alrite id just like to announce lalitha as the master of jokes lol

08-16-2004, 11:45 AM
Final for the day.

I just came across these few cartoons over the web today.

08-16-2004, 11:46 AM
The above are a bit Indian-ised. ;)

08-16-2004, 09:04 PM
Good ones Lalitha :lol: :yeah:

Here's one:

A man named Brian Burton is on his way back home from work on his anniverssary day. His wife is at home and she wants to prepare a special surprise for him, so she decides to paint her husbands initials- B. B.- on her buttocks- one B on each cheek.

Brian comes back home and his wife tells him to wait, she has a surprise for him. She undresses and is on her knees with her naked behind in the air when she tells him he can come in to their room.

Brian enters the room, looks at his wife's ass and asks: "Who the hell is Bob?!"

08-16-2004, 11:29 PM
OMFG HAHAHAHAHAHA RonE :haha::haha::haha::haha::haha::haha:

08-17-2004, 06:31 AM
lol....alrite id just like to announce lalitha as the master of jokes lol

Thanks, but actually tall_one is the master. :)

08-17-2004, 06:32 AM
lol u both are!

08-17-2004, 10:56 AM
Agreed Skye.....They are great!!!

Both of them post great jokes....and make me lmao..

08-17-2004, 12:46 PM
lol Yeh same, their jokes crack me up soo much

08-18-2004, 09:28 AM
Thanks guys :kiss:

I just find these across the net and share it with you. That's it. ;)

Ok, for today - here it comes.

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -

"Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!"

Washa Koroleva
08-18-2004, 09:31 AM
OH! :haha:
I love this one Lalitha! thank you :hug:

Washa Koroleva
08-18-2004, 09:36 AM
a guy on LJ told me this one. just scary :haha:

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walks a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one boob.
One lady leaned over to the other and said, "She don't know it, but in about 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket."

08-18-2004, 09:50 AM
lol...Yeh ive heard a joke kinda like that before :D

08-18-2004, 10:54 AM
Good one Keira! :haha:

08-18-2004, 11:12 AM
:lol: Kiera, indeed scary. :hug:

08-18-2004, 11:23 AM
lol i rekon....thatll make girls who wanna get a tattoo think twice about it lol

08-19-2004, 11:27 PM
Misleading Signs



In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR



08-19-2004, 11:29 PM
:haha: :haha: Tall_One hilarious as ever :yeah:

Welcome back, btw. :hug:

08-19-2004, 11:56 PM
thanks Ron :hug: and my name is Nicki :)

08-20-2004, 12:18 AM
Nice to meet u Nicki. My name is Ron, but you already guessed that ;)

08-20-2004, 01:06 AM
A man is driving down the backroad, when he notices a sign.

"The sisters of Mercy: House of Prostitution; 50 miles"

He is intrigued by the sign, and decides to pay the house a visit. When he arrives, he parks his car outside and knocks on the front door. A goregous young nun answers the door.

"yes?" she asks.

"I would like to do some business here," the man whispers.

"Fifty dollars," she says, holding her hand out.

The man pays and glances at the nun eagerly.

"Follow me," the sister orders.

She takes him down a long and arduous set of halls until they reach a door, where she stops. The man is notably excited now, and looks at the nun.

"Go through this door," she says.

The man oblidges, wanting to start right away. However, she closes the door behind him and locks the door. The man is surprised, but his surprised is stiffled when he sees an even more beatiful nun staring at him in the nest room.

"Ja," she says.

"Well...I am here to do business," the man says.

"Fifty dollars," she says, holding her hand out.

The man looks at his wallet, and then at the woman, really excited now, and pays the fee.

"Follow me," she says.

She takes him to another door, and puts him inside like the nun before, and once again, he finds an even more beatiful nun, making his pants rather small about now. This process occurs until the man pays 500 dollars!

In the end, he is almost ready to pass out, when the nun says, "Your journey is over, proceed through this door and get your just reward."

The man rushes through, very anxious indeed, as the nun locks the door. To his disbelief, he was back in the parking lot. But this time, there was a new bumper sticker on his car that read:

"Congratulations, you have been screwed by the sisters of mercy."

08-20-2004, 08:39 AM
OMG :haha: :haha: :haha: that's a classic Domino :yeah:

08-20-2004, 10:03 PM
HAHAHAHA :haha::haha::haha::haha: Great one Domino

08-21-2004, 01:43 AM
OK, here's one... Q-How are an elephant and a banana exactly the same?
A-They're both yellow. Well except for the elephant, of course.

Thats so lame it's nearly funny! Okay well seriously, this is one that a friend with a dirty mind told me...

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your trousers."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his trousers, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

Corey Feldman
08-21-2004, 01:52 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: er ******* :yeah:

08-21-2004, 02:02 AM
Okay, these aren't jokes - but friggin hilarious all the same... :)

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

08-21-2004, 02:50 AM

08-21-2004, 02:52 AM

Corey Feldman
08-21-2004, 02:53 AM
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

:smash: :smash: Mariah carless :lol: :smash: :smash:

08-21-2004, 03:02 AM
:smash: :retard:

08-21-2004, 09:18 AM
:lol: nice quotes ********* :yeah: (did I get the number of *'s right?)

08-21-2004, 02:51 PM
A man is walking in the street, when he suddenly sees a ladder and a sign next to the ladder saying: "The way to success".

Eagerly, the man begins to climb the ladder, up and up and up he goes. When he reaches the top, a naked guy with a 10 inch shlong is waiting there and he says to him: "Hi, I'm Sess".

08-21-2004, 06:32 PM
A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

08-21-2004, 08:11 PM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

08-22-2004, 06:06 AM
:haha: good one

08-22-2004, 04:06 PM

08-23-2004, 08:32 AM
A blonde turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. In no time, the computer detected the error and flashed a "Keyboard Error" message on the monitor.

Surprised at this, the blonde wondered as to how the dumb machine generate a keyboard error when there was no keyboard attached to the system.

08-23-2004, 08:39 AM
In one of the computer expositions, Mr. Gates was commenting on the state of the industry. "Had GM followed our practices and kept up with technology just like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25 only with an average of 1000 miles per gallon," he said.

Recently, GM addressed the comment by releasing a statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day with a new version of it coming out every year?"

08-23-2004, 10:26 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha: :yeah:

Love your new av, Lalitha :yeah:

Washa Koroleva
08-23-2004, 12:25 PM
:haha: I love that one Lalitha!!!

08-23-2004, 03:11 PM
LMAO!!!!!!!! :haha::haha::haha::haha::haha:

08-23-2004, 04:46 PM
:lol: niceeee

08-24-2004, 01:22 AM
i saw this on wta world so i stole it, lol

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f*****g shoes on!!."

08-24-2004, 02:40 AM
You guys are way funny! :D
Okay well these aren't original and are kinda lame but i'm bored right now... :rolleyes:

1)Once a man and a woman lived in a beautiful cabin in the middle of a lovely wood overlooking a lake. But the man didn't want the woman anymore so he started rowing across the lake. The woman shouted after him:
"But darling, what about our lovely house?"
To which the man mumbled to himself:
"To hell with it. I'm leaving that woman".
"But darling, what about our three children?"
"I don't care about them. I'm leaving that woman".
"But darling what about our way of life?"
"What of it? I'm leaving that woman."
"But darling, what about this?" The woman lifts her skirt up. The man starts to row back to the house, mumbling - "One day I am going to leave that woman".

2) George Bush and Dick Cheny walk into the cafetaria in the white house. Bush studies the menu, takes a long look at the waitress and then says to her "Excuse me miss, i'd like a quickie". The waitress looks agast and replies "WHAT"?! to which Bush responds - " i'd like a quickie". The waitress slaps him and storms off. Dick Cheney leans over and says - "Um sir, I think its pronounced quiche".

:cool: :p

08-24-2004, 03:32 AM

08-24-2004, 04:56 AM
wow, I love this thread, everyone is coming up with great :haha: ones!

So here is mine today.

A chicken and a horse were in a field together; the horse fell into a mud hole and couldn’t get out. He called out to the chicken and said ’help, help go and get the farmer I can’t get out and I’m sinking in further.

The chicken runs up to the farm house and tries to get the farmer but he isn’t around. Being a quick thinking chick, she ran and got the farmer’s Mercedes and drove it to the mud hole. She then tied a rope to the tow hook and threw it to the horse and she pulled him out with the Mercedes. The horse was very grateful !

A week or so later the chicken fell into the very same mud hole. She called out to the horse and he came running she said ’Help! Go and get the farmer. I can’t get out’. The horse then straddled over the mud hole and told the chick to hang on to the ’thingy’ between his legs.

She did and he managed to pull her out.

The morale of the story . . . . You don’t need a Mercedes to pick up a chick . . . . you just need to be hung like horse !!

08-24-2004, 04:58 AM
One more:

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma’am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don’t pout when I yell at them."

08-24-2004, 09:12 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha: those are great Lalitha :yeah:

08-24-2004, 05:38 PM
:haha::haha::haha::haha: Lalitha.....

08-25-2004, 08:30 AM
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "Why the hell would they want a plasterer?"

08-25-2004, 10:05 AM
:haha: Nickii ;)

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.

"And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said.

"Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand I’ll make love at seven every night... whether you’re here or not."

08-25-2004, 10:06 AM
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

08-25-2004, 10:14 AM
Final for today.

This is an Indian joke. I think you all guys know the relationship between India & Pakistan. If any Pakistani's are here, kindly take no offense.

An Indian, a Pakistani, an old lady and a young lady were all travelling in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel. In that little moment of darkness, there is a sound of kiss and a hard slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel and stopped at a station, the Pakistani guy holded his cheek in hand and went out thinking, "Smart guy, he kisses the girl and I get the slapping"

The young lady thinks "Stupid of him, why would he kiss an old lady and get slapped by him?"

The old lady thinks "He deserved it for doing that to the girl"

Finally, the Indian says to himself "I get to kiss the back of my hand and slap the Pakistani as well"

08-25-2004, 12:27 PM
Nicki and Lalitha :haha: :haha: :haha:

You're both fantastic, please keep it up! :yeah:

08-26-2004, 04:17 AM
Thanks RonE, I would like to read something from you as well. ;)

08-26-2004, 04:31 AM
A human's chalkboard assignments

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.

5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of those cats.

8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.

11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.

12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.

13. I will share everything I eat with my master.

14. I will allow my master on the couch.

15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.

16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.

17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.

18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.

19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.

20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."

21. I will not cut my master's nails.

22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.

23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".

24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.

25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.

26. I will not bring home any more cats.

27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.

28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.

29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.

30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.

31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.

32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.

33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.

34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.

35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.

36. Dog bladders are not large.

37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.

38. I will not run out of treats.

39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.

40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.

42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.

43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.

44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.

45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.

46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.

47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.

48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.

49. I will always carry cookies and treats.

50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.

51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.

52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.

53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".

54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.

55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".

08-26-2004, 05:06 AM

08-26-2004, 05:48 AM
:lol: #25 is :yeah:

08-26-2004, 06:48 AM
Great one Sol :haha: :yeah:

Lalitha, unfortunately my well has run dry :awww: Go back to the earlier part of the thread and you will find my claim to 15 seconds of fame ;)

08-26-2004, 10:10 AM
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous.

08-26-2004, 10:31 AM
lol Nicki :haha: :haha: :haha:

08-26-2004, 10:32 AM
Lalitha, unfortunately my well has run dry :awww: Go back to the earlier part of the thread and you will find my claim to 15 seconds of fame ;)

I know, I've been visiting this thread right from the beginning. But would expect something from you sooner or rather.

Ok, here it is.

An ex-serviceman was telling young officers about how experienced he was, his times in the service, and how he handled officers--be it any rank. "It didn’t matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off," said he.
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young officers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"

"Elevator operator in the Pentagon," replied he

08-26-2004, 10:35 AM
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that’s what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that’s what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

08-26-2004, 10:39 AM
Lalitha :haha: :haha: :haha:

Ok, since you asked so nicely here is one I have been saving for a rainy day:

In a remote village in a corner near the main square sits a midget on the floor with his donkey standing in front of him. His claim to fame is that he is able to tell the time by groping his donkey's balls.

One day, a man from the city comes to the village, and intrigued by this story looks for and finds the midget sitting there with his donkey in front of him. He asks the midget for the time. The midget gropes the donkey's balls and tells him "It is now 12:10".

The man looks at his watch and to his amazement, the midget was spot on! Astonished, the man asks him "how can you ell the time by groping the donkey's balls?".

So the midget replies: "I am short, this donkey is too flippin' tall for me to look over him, so I can only see under. Behind you on that tower is a clock, and this infernal donkey's balls are always obscuring my vision, so I have to get them out of the way to see what time the clock registers."

08-26-2004, 07:22 PM
:lol: :rolls: RonE

08-26-2004, 09:42 PM
The Princess' Problem

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing
that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached.
He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)













M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

08-26-2004, 09:54 PM
ROTFLMAO Nikki :haha: :haha: :haha:

Ok, here's one:

Mama Whale and Papa Whale are swimming in the ocean when they come accross a fishing boat. Papa Whale says to Mama Whale: "I want you to go under the boat, blow water out of your blow-hole, and then when the sailors come falling down from the air, eat them!"

So Mama Whale goes down beneath the boat and blows water out of her blow-hole. The sailors are jettisonned into the air, splash into the water and swim away.

Papa Whale is furious. He asks: "Why didn't you eat the sailors?!"

To which Mama Whale responds: "Honey, I don't mind giving a blow job, but swallowing the se(a)men is where I draw the line!".

08-26-2004, 11:31 PM

08-26-2004, 11:34 PM
HAHAHAHA RonE...that was a great one :rolls:

08-27-2004, 02:24 AM
Angering the Irishman

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Corey Feldman
08-27-2004, 02:28 AM
:haha: :haha: :lol: sol :lol: :D

08-27-2004, 06:15 AM
haha..i got a short one..it took me long to figure it out..haha. im so dumb..but here it goes.

"a man walks into a bar....OUCH"

:haha: :lol:
do u guys get it?

a bar (like a pole)

08-27-2004, 09:51 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha: Sol!! (I shouldn't be laughing, but still :yeah: :rolls: )

08-29-2004, 05:58 AM
Lol, great jokes from everyone. RonE, especially the Whale one! ;)

Okay, here we go

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. One day Charley, her husband, read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren’t so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. So one evening, he declared to do her work.

When Mary arrived home from work she was surprised to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished and wanted to know immediately what was going on. Upon asking, Charley told about the magazine article.

The next day, she couldn’t wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. Mary said, "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn’t work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

08-29-2004, 06:01 AM
One more ;)

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.

That’s when I made my mistake..." "What did you do?", asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!".

08-29-2004, 06:11 AM
On their first evening in their new home the bride went in to the kitchen to fix drinks. Five minutes later she came back into the living room in tears.

What’s the matter, my angel?” asked her husband anxiously.

Oh, Steven! She sobbed, “I put the ice cubes in hot water to wash them and now they’ve disappeared!”

08-29-2004, 06:11 AM
Husband is reading the news paper.... wife comes in and says "honey I love you so much" and then she says “honey I wish I would be a newspaper so that you always hold me in your arms "
Husband replied, "I also wish that so that I can change you every day like that newspaper"

08-29-2004, 07:04 AM
The New Doctor in Town
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said,"Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

08-29-2004, 07:36 AM
Lalitha and Nikki :haha: :haha: :haha: brilliant as always! :yeah:

08-29-2004, 08:24 PM
Lalitha and Nicki :haha: :haha: :haha: brilliant as always! :yeah:
glad you enjoy them Ron :p

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

08-30-2004, 01:48 AM
LOL :haha: :lol: Nicki

08-30-2004, 08:49 AM
Lalitha and Nikki :haha: :haha: :haha: brilliant as always! :yeah:

Thanks RonE :hug:

Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when all of a sudden, the skies opened up and rained torrents on everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in, and gunned it. They were going pretty fast when an old man’s face appeared in the passenger window, knocking on it! The passenger screamed, but decided to roll down his window halfway.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Do you have any tobacco?" asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man a cigarette, and he went away. "Drive faster!" said the passenger. "I don’t want to see him again!" So the driver pushed the speedometer to 80 mph. But soon, the old man appears at the window again! Scared the passenger rolls down his window again. "Do you have a light?" said the old man’s face. Trembling, the passenger handed him a pack of matches. And the old man went away.

"Drive faster buddy!" said the passenger, so they pushed it to 100 mph. But ten minutes later, the face returns. "What do you want from us?" screamed the passenger.

The old man gently replied,"you want some help getting out of the mud?"

08-30-2004, 08:50 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

08-30-2004, 08:52 AM
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right . I’ll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

08-30-2004, 10:07 AM
ROTFLMGDFAO!!!!! :haha: :haha: :haha:

08-30-2004, 10:00 PM

08-31-2004, 01:14 AM
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."


The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.


The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."


He is turned into a tampon.

08-31-2004, 01:28 AM
:haha: Nicki

08-31-2004, 04:49 AM
:rolls: Nicki

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

08-31-2004, 04:55 AM
Two friends were walking across campus when one asked the other "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ’Take what you want.’"

First one nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit."

08-31-2004, 05:46 AM
I likes Lalitha I likes :lol:

08-31-2004, 06:41 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

08-31-2004, 07:55 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

A slight variation of your genie joke Nikki:

A man is walking in the desert, when suddenly he comes accross a bottle. He picks it up and a genie appears. The genie says to the man: "You have three wishes"

The man says: "My wishes are: 1. I want to be white 2. I am thirsty as hell and I want water flowing through me 3. I want to see the naked asses of beautiful women"

So the genie turned him into a toilet.

08-31-2004, 09:18 AM
:lol: RonE, that's was witty.

And thanks Sparkz :hug: & superpinkone37 :wavey:

08-31-2004, 10:29 AM
Good, Bad and the Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

08-31-2004, 11:04 AM
:spit: :haha: :haha: :haha:

09-01-2004, 08:31 AM
Nick, as usual at his best. :lol:

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, ’Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?’ "

"That’s terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

09-01-2004, 08:35 AM
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."

09-01-2004, 10:58 AM
Funny who you meet

"Elderly woman meets elderly gentleman on the street.

Her: Aren't you Ed Filby? I haven't seen you in thirty-years.

Him: That's me.

Her: You look pretty good - but a little pale. Where you been?

Him: Been in jail actually.

Her: Really! What did you do?

Him: Well, I killed my wife. I chopped her up in little pieces and put her in the garbage disposal.

Her: Oh!... so you're not married!


09-01-2004, 11:43 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

09-02-2004, 07:42 AM
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,

his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,

unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,

he did his best to type it from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an

elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,

let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,

her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....






09-02-2004, 07:57 AM
lol good one!

09-02-2004, 08:14 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha: Lalitha.

I remember this one, I think it's even a true story.

09-02-2004, 09:13 AM
Oh, it's a true story?, that would have been really scary.

One man asks the other - "How many burgers you can eat in an empty stomach?"

The other one says - "Four"

The first man says - "Wrong answer. The moment you take your first bite, you stomach won't be empty. So how you can take four?"

The man agrees and he goes home. He asks his wife the same question and her answer was "two"

"Oh, had you said four, I had an other answer for it".

09-03-2004, 10:32 AM
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

09-03-2004, 10:41 AM

The Golfers:

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. "9.30 okay?"

George said, "Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, "Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me."

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. "Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?" one of the foursome asked.
George said, "Sure if I’m ten minutes late…"

Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute… You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you’re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed."

George said, "Well, that’s true – I’m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she’s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed."

"What if she’s lying on her back?"

George said, "That’s when I’m ten minutes late!"

09-03-2004, 10:56 AM
:haha: :haha:

(This smilie is lying on back as well ;) )

09-04-2004, 12:45 PM
SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway...

Mom and dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.

09-05-2004, 09:55 AM
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."