Original Jokes

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07-07-2005, 03:04 PM
Boy: Those clothes are very becoming on you!
Girl: Why thank you!
Boy: Of course, if I was on you...I would becoming too!

07-08-2005, 10:51 AM
What's the difference between a lawyer and a

You should take your workboots off before
you jump on a trampoline.

07-15-2005, 01:12 AM
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"

And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

07-15-2005, 02:51 PM
Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts..

09-15-2005, 12:37 AM
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the time it is in a hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective April 15th, 2005 your penis will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:
10-12" - $30 Luxury Tax
8 -10" - $25 Pole Tax
5 - 8" - Privilege Tax
4 - 5" - Nuisance Tax

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

Please do not ask for an extension!

IRS is still waiting for answers for the following questions:
-Are there penalties for early withdrawl?
-Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
-Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
-Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

Pecker Checker Division
Internal Revenue Service

09-27-2005, 10:08 AM

You're getting married.

The wedding ceremony is classy and expensive.
You pose for the traditional pictures.

The photographer wants to picture you two freeing dove birds. People love that @ weddings. You're family and friends are all staring at you, waiting for you and your groom/bride to free the birds...

Both of you take a dove in his/her hands. You wait for the autographer's signal...

Now! free the birds....


09-27-2005, 02:32 PM
OMG :haha: Damita that pic is hilarious (AND SO EMBARRASSING!) :lol:

i wish i could still good rep u but i've given out too many points already :o

09-27-2005, 07:36 PM
OMG Steph! :haha: that is great :rolls:

09-27-2005, 09:51 PM
:lol: Damita omg :lol:

09-27-2005, 11:25 PM
glad you like it ;) i received it in a mail and just :spit: when i saw it.
I first posted it in the French forum, but i thought it needed a bigger audience :aplot: ;) (poor girl, really! :o)

09-28-2005, 11:14 AM
I have a better memory for riddles than for jokes. I can't remember a single joke.


Two explorers are walking through antartica. When they stop to rest, they realize that they are right next to a large frosted block of ice. When one of them wipes the frost off, they see there is a completely naked man frozen in the ice. After peering for just a second, one of the explorers shouts "OMG, its Adam!!" - as in from Adam and Eve. How did the explorer know that it was Adam by just taking one look at him???

PM me for the answer.

I know it. I'm most definitly sure it has to be the only soluation. I PMed you

09-28-2005, 04:38 PM
This could be really childish, first time I heard it I couldnt stop laughing, I'm pretty immature:

This girl named Butitches had just transferred schools and it was her first day of class.

The teacher asks her, "What is your name?" and she replys, "Butitches." Shocked at her reply, the teacher asks again but becomes extremely stern, "What is your name?! Answer correctly or you're going to the principals office!" and she replys, " But it is Butitches!" The teacher becomes angry and sends her to the principal's office. The prinicpal asks for her name and she replies "Butitches" The principal now infuriated says, "Tell me your name or you are suspended!" And of course she replies, "IT IS BUTITCHES!" Next minute poor Butitches is crying and walking home, in all of her agony she does not realize she is in the middle of the road when a car crashes into her, instantly killing her. When her mom comes she is extremely grief stricken, bends over her dead daughter and says, "Oh my poor Butitches!" And a near by cop tells her, "Well why dont you scratch it?"

:lol: yes yes i know its pretty dumb, but it makes me laugh :lol:

10-14-2005, 01:17 PM
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. :)

10-24-2005, 08:38 PM
A woman walks in to the doctors....."Doctor, doctor, I think I've picked up Bird Flu" she says. "Are you sure, what are the symptoms?" says the Doctor. "Well, I'm feeling a little bit peckish" replies the lady.

11-11-2005, 04:34 PM
George W. Bush visits a school in order to talk with children about the situation in the Near-East. After his speech, he allows the children to ask him questions.

"So who wants to ask something?" Bush says.
A little boy raises his hand.
"Yes my son, what's your name?"
"Billy, Mr President."
"What's your question Billy?"
"I have 3 questions, Mr President:
1. Why did the United States invade Iraq without the United Nations' consent?
2. Why are you the President even though Al Gore had more votes than you?
3. What happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

The bell rings, it's playtime. Bush tells the children they will continue the discussion after it.

When they all come back, Bush asks:
"What were we up to? Ah yes, the questions. Is there someone who would ask a question?"
A little boy raises his hand.
"Yes my son, what's your name?"
"Steve, Mr President."
"What's your question Steve?"
"Actually i have five questions, Mr President:
1. Why did the United States invade Iraq without the United Nations' consent?
2. Why are you the President even though Al Gore had more votes than you?
3. What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
4. Why did the bell ring thirty minutes earlier than usual?
5. What happened to Billy?"

11-11-2005, 06:37 PM

11-11-2005, 08:46 PM
:lol: Steph :lol:

11-16-2005, 05:42 PM
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"?

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second.”

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"?

If they only knew!

06-07-2006, 10:46 AM
Why parents drink!

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.


"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"


"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."