Original Jokes [Archive] - Page 3 - MensTennisForums.com

Original Jokes

Pages : 1 2 [3] 4

sol
11-02-2004, 11:26 PM
:lol:Ron :yeah: :lol: :haha: :haha: :haha: :rolls::smoke:
__________________________________________________ _____
Balancing Act

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
__________________________________________________ _________

http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2004/11/2/9_Chickweed_Lane.136.g.gif
__________________________________________________ _________

2004 Election Specials:
http://humor.about.com/library/graphics/good_to_be_in_dc.jpg

• Slap the Candidate! -- Put some color in Bush and Kerry's cheeks.
• John Edwards Does His Hair -- Undoctored video footage of the Senator cleaning up real good.
•Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: "Poop Valhalla" a k a "Triumph in Spin Alley" -- Puppet pup vs. pundit flacks.
• "The Kooks of Hazzard" a k a "Political Kooks of Hazzard" -- Good ol' boys and good ol' Monica in a cartoon parody of "The Dukes of Hazzard."
• "Political Bohemian Rhapsody" -- Bush and Kerry for Queen!
• Hip-Hop Debate -- George W. Bush & John Kerry swing the bling-bling.
• Campaign Destroyer: Attack of the John Kerry Flip-Flops -- The game of dastardly shoe flies!
• Save a Hamster Game -- The presidential candidates face furry pets in peril!
• Moore / Bush: "Fahrenheit 2004" -- Michael and George W. are coming 'round the mountain in their Webtoon musical duel.
• "The Presidential Horror Show!" -- George W. Bush and John Kerry do the time warp in another music video cartoon spoof.

• It Came From the 1971 Sears Catalog! -- The horror! The horror!
• Random Title Name and Generator -- Anoint yourself with a title of royalty!
• "Suzie View" -- A filmmaker and a 10-year-old girl, all rolled into one, star in this new comic strip.
• Dr. Strangemitten's Shrunken Heads -- A Halloween game for your trick-or-treat computer.
• "Team America: World Police" -- "South Park" goes to "Thunderbirds."
• The Creatures in My Head -- A massive, ghastly gallery of goons.
• Virtual Crack Rock -- Something to snort at.

• CleanLaugh Images -- Smile nearly 500 times in this funny pictures gallery.
• "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" Video Clips -- Watch classic Carson moments online.
• "Good to Be in DC!" -- The sequel to the Geo. W. Bush and John Kerry music duel "This Land!"
• Candy Toss -- A throwaway Halloween game.
• Rodney Dangerfield Jokes -- Quotes and one-liners.
• Improv Everywhere -- Pranks and practical jokes by improvisational artists.
• The Political Circus -- 2004 presidential election game.

• Pull My Finger -- Interactive belch and fart toy.
• Makin' Whoopie -- Interactive whoopee cushion toy.
• WeinerDog Races -- The pitter patter of little feet.
• "Silo Roberts" by Rob Cabrera -- A new family comic strip.
• AccuRadio Comedy -- Streaming humor online.
• Yet Another Bloody Script Collection -- The words of Monty Python, Spike Jones, Groucho Marx, and Woody Allen.
• The Infinite Cat Project -- "Cats regarding cats regarding cats."
• Cheese Racing -- Barbecue sports.
• Miserable Melodies -- Listen to this bad music record collection, if you dare.
• GetAmused.com -- A huge depository of jokes and humor.
• And the Bride Wore... -- Here come the brides, all swathed in snark and lace.
• Celebrity Secrets From "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" -- Star shockers.
• The Doctor's Names List and Other Punny Aptonyms -- Wacky wordplay.
• The Godfather Horse Head Pillow -- Savor the severed bed head.• "Spot the Frog" -- Mark Heath's sweet comic strip for all ages and species.
• LetterJames -- Enter text messages covincingly into dozens of doctored snapshots.
• Pencilmation -- Doodling leads to dandy animated Web cartoons.
• George Says... John Says... -- Put words in Bush and Kerry mouths with this comic photo tool.
• "Shark Tale" -- A fishy cartoon feature from the "Shrek II" studio.
• Thumb.com -- Hand puppets thumb the movies.
• "Trek Love" and "Trek Love II" -- Big boys in outer space!
• "Brewster Rockit: Space Guy!" -- Comic strips in outer space!
• PickupHelp.com - Pickup lines for all persuasions.
• Freddie's Blog: Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff Ruff! -- A puppy publisher.
• Homeland Security Simon -- "Stay calm while the pressure rises."
• Frogstar .WAV Archive -- Zillions of silly sound bites.
• CarlSpackler.com -- The lord of the "Caddyshack."
• Full of Shat -- Dear William, whose art is heaven ... Shat-elluiah!
• Human Descent -- Hundreds of bizarre animal and human photos.
• 404 Research Lab -- Amusing 404 error pages, as seen on the Internet.
• "A Case in Point" -- Rob Esmay's strange world of cartoons.
• "Dirt Magazine" - The Scandalmonger's Weekly -- Make phony magazine covers.
• The Classic "Hollywood Squares" Site -- 1966-81, the golden years.
• 60 Wackiest "LIFE" Covers -- Funny photos from the magazine's archives.
• Dress Your Gay Dog! / Warm Your Pussy / Square Up Your Squirrel -- Pet these time killers.
• Classic Create-A-Nerd -- Make your dream nerd!
• Oxymoronica - Oxymora: The List -- Amusing contradictions like "mud bath," "long shorts," "mild hot sauce," and "loose tights."
• Statue Molesters -- Wacky tourists snapped in action at this photo gallery.
• Spamusement! -- Cartoons based on spam subject lines.
• Olympics Cartoons -- The world's top editorial cartoonists compete.
• Movie Sounds Central -- Sound bites for your humorous use.
• Customers Suck! The Customer Is Never Right! -- Retailers retaliate! Clerks clobber clods!
• The Prime Number S***ting Bear -- That's entertainment.
• Mary-Kate Olsen's Crack-Man -- Snorts and giggles with this Pak-Man game spoof.
• "Olympics" and Other Bruno Bozzetto Flash Cartoons -- Mr. Otto competes in a series of black-out events, plus more animations.
• Golden Age Cartoons -- Enthusiastic affection for classic cartoon characters and their careers.
• Elvis Presley Ouija Board - Vox Regis (Voice of the King) -- The most cosmic trip since "Harum Scarum."
• Rocklopedia Fakebandica - The Ultimate Fake Band List
• "Zach Hill" -- Comic strip about "a hyperactive kid with an overactive imagination."
• Awful Plastic Surgery -- Every day is Halloween.
• World Wide Ugly Couch Contest -- Sit on it.
• Virtual Mom -- Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Nag. Nag. Nag. Nag. Nag.
• Tower of Bears -- Tumble the teddies.
• WavPlanet Sound Bites and Sound Effects -- Clip joint.
• I Pity the Haiku! -- Mr. T, poet.
• The Simpsons: If They Mated -- Springfield doing the love thang.
• Amazing Cat Collection -- Snappy shots of the Internet's greatest kits.
• Dog Lovers Are Sadists -- Funny Pets Pictures
• Famous Star -- You on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
• "American Dad" Pilot -- The new cartoon from the "Family Guy" gang.
• IFILM Viral Video QuickPlayer -- Watch humorous clips and bits.
• The Weather Randomizer -- To brighten your day, click away.
• BrianRegan.com -- The Official Website of Brian Regan
• "Jest Sports" -- Daily athletic cartoon panels.
• Cartoon Monsoon -- New animations by new talents guided by Warner Bros. professionals.
• Bush Aerobics -- George W. works the presidential bod.
• Kerry Workout -- Senator John shapes up for America.

Éowyn
11-03-2004, 02:09 PM
20 Ways For Women To Tell That They've Had A Little Much To Drink

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.


i never know where mine is


2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling "WOO-HOO!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

you mean it's not?

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.

i always wanna kick somes ass and i can actually do it, and usually do


4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

i tend to do it backwards i start as homeless hooker then get so drunk i think i'm a goddess

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

never done that one!

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

never done that either, told everyone i hate them though

7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "Oh my God! I love this song!"

do that when i'm sober too

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

aka i start disucssing the principle points of lord of the rings, and confess that i do like star trek but deep space nine and enterprise suck!


9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

don't think i've ever done that one, my boss i have!

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

i do that when i'm sober too!

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

so true!

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

now that i definately do! then wonder why i can't make sail boats like gandalf

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

i ususally yell at them for giving me gin when i asked for vodka, then realise theres no alcohol in it anyway coz i asked for water

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

nopes feels like stairs

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

just let em take it the wrong way, chances are i mean it

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

or worse there is no toilet seat

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
all my hugs are like that


18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

now that i honestly do do, i sit whereever i am no matter whos there and won't move, i once sat in a central reservation of a dual carriageway my mates went nuts

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

wear lace up trousers , or incredibly short skirts it's much easier

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
so true, then when i get home i wonder how my tights ended up with huge holes in the feet

Éowyn
11-03-2004, 02:12 PM
Éowyns random tennis comment she took the wrong way!

"this is why canas is avery difficult man to get on top off"

@_@ i guess he likes to be on top :|

tall_one
11-03-2004, 06:25 PM
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in; he realizes it's a gaybar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy asks,
"Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality isJob One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock'." and gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET'. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

RonE
11-03-2004, 06:47 PM
Sol and Nikki :haha: :lol: :rolls: :yeah:
-----------------------------------

RonE
11-03-2004, 06:49 PM
This is a little passe now that the elections are over but still hilarious!

Note: Wait patiently after you click the link below, it takes time to load but it is worth the wait ;)

http://users.pandora.be/luvam/thisland/

sol
11-04-2004, 12:50 AM
:lol: Ron and Nicki :haha: :haha: :haha::rolls::smoke:
__________________________________________________ _______
http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2004/11/3/9_Chickweed_Lane.798.g.gif
__________________________________________________ _______
Who is Nookie Green?

An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.

That is your sin?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.

The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...

Those are your sins?

Yes, Father.

You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys." The man leaves.

Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.

This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green?

Just a woman I know, Father.

Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."

The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...

The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?

The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Canuck_Chick
11-04-2004, 01:21 AM
:haha::haha: great jokes everyone!!

sol
11-05-2004, 12:27 AM
:lol: great:yeah: :haha::haha::haha::rolls:
__________________________________________________ ____________
http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2004/11/4/9_Chickweed_Lane.565.g.gif
__________________________________________________ ____________
Animal Crackers:
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/ac/20041104csack-a-p.jpg
__________________________________________________ ____________
Have you ever ordered Turtle Soup in a restaurant and told the waitress to make it snappy? ;)

tall_one
11-05-2004, 08:39 AM
In a city park stood two statues, one female, and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran towards some nearby woods, and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, - But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"

tall_one
11-05-2004, 08:44 AM
Halloween Party

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co

tall_one
11-05-2004, 08:45 AM
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

RonE
11-05-2004, 08:48 AM
Sol, Canuck_Chic and Nikki :haha: :haha: :haha:

sol
11-05-2004, 09:55 AM
:lol:Nicki :haha: :haha: :haha: :rolls:
__________________________________________________ ________________

http://www.comics.com/comics/bignate/archive/images/bignate2004113313105.gif

__________________________________________________ ________________

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/bi/2004/bi040808.gif

__________________________________________________ _________________

http://toonville.com/content1/ballardstreet/bs110404.jpg

sol
11-06-2004, 12:50 AM
http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2004/11/5/9_Chickweed_Lane.702.g.gif

_________________________________________________

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/ac/20041105csack-a-p.jpg

tall_one
11-06-2004, 04:23 AM
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

winston
11-06-2004, 04:31 PM
Little Red Riding Hood: - Granny, why are your eyes so large?
Granny: - To see the Fuhrer better.
LRRH: - Granny, why are your ears so large?
G: - To hear the Fuhrer better.
LRRH: - Granny, why is your nose so large?
G: - Quiet, LRRH, the SS may hear it!

sol
11-06-2004, 05:11 PM
:lol: :rolls::haha::haha:
__________________________________________________ _____

http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2004/11/6/9_Chickweed_Lane.821.g.gif

__________________________________________________ _____

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/ch/1993/ch931106.gif

__________________________________________________ _____

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/ac/20041106csack-a-p.jpg

__________________________________________________ _____

$20 million jackpot :

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, ''I want my $20 million.'' The man replied, ''No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.''

The Redneck said, ''Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.'' Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, ''Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!''

Pancakesong
11-06-2004, 07:14 PM
:haha:I don't get the first, but the others are good:D

Deco
11-06-2004, 07:40 PM
Why don't nonns wear a breif?

God sees everything

(btw nonns=woman who are 'working' in the church.. I'm not sure of this is the good word:p)

sol
11-07-2004, 01:20 AM
Air Force Denies Stories of UFO Crash

Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that 'the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft'.

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, 'bouncing' several times before coming to a stop, 'deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases'. Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the 'other-worldly' nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of 'an obvious government cover-up', pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

__________________________________________________

Fantasy Beings' Fair Housing Commission:

As an investigator for the Fantasy Beings' Fair Housing Commission, Ferdinand Feghoot was assigned to look into complaints that the town of Donnybrook was systematically excluding the fictive.

The Mayor of Donnybrook was indignant. 'That's nonsense!' he fumed. 'Why, we have several families of Hobbits living here, the principal of our high school is an Elf, and one of our aldermen is an Orc.'

Feghoot shook his head sadly. 'That,' he replied, 'is only . . . Tolkien integration.'

(By Alan Follett based on a character by Richard Bretner)

__________________________________________________ _

Little Lumberjack:

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

__________________________________________________ ______

If Women Ruled the World :

http://jokeindex.com/images/WomenRuleWorld1.jpg

http://jokeindex.com/images/WomenRuleWorld3.jpg

http://jokeindex.com/images/WomenRuleWorld4.jpg

RonE
11-07-2004, 08:55 PM
Sol :haha: :haha: :haha:

sol
11-08-2004, 01:27 AM
http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2004/11/6/Archie.650.g.gif

__________________________________________

http://toonville.com/content1/ballardstreet/bs110704.jpg

__________________________________________

A cat goes to Heaven:

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!

________________________________________

A cowboy and his dog:

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund when a passerby asked him why in the world he would buy such an "uncowboylike" dog.

The cowboy answer, "somebody told me to get along little doggie."

sol
11-09-2004, 02:44 AM
http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2004/11/8/9_Chickweed_Lane.989.g.gif

__________________________________________________

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/ac/20041108csack-a-p.jpg

__________________________________________________

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/bi/2004/bi040808.gif

__________________________________________________

A Frog Joke :

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, ''Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a holiday.''

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says it's Kermit Jagger and that it's ok, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says ''Sure, I have this'' and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: ''There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral''. She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ''I mean, what is this?''

The bank manager replies: ''It's a knick-knack Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone''.

( Aaarrrrggggg.......thud.... )

RonE
11-09-2004, 08:01 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

Jim Jones
11-09-2004, 12:04 PM
I did not get Sol's joke, sorry. But I love his signature especially Aristole's phrase.

sol
11-09-2004, 12:14 PM
I did not get Sol's joke, sorry. But I love his signature especially Aristole's phrase.
:o
Check at the bottom of the page this option:

[IMG] code is On

is this option is in Off you can't see the pics.

Anyway. I'm posting them as attachments right now ;)

sol
11-09-2004, 12:19 PM
more: ;)

the last 3 (If Women Ruled the World)

tall_one
11-14-2004, 10:43 AM
Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."

tall_one
11-14-2004, 10:51 AM
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

tall_one
11-14-2004, 10:54 AM
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten.

With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered now.''

tall_one
11-14-2004, 11:08 AM
last one :)



Things you learn from Children
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq. ft. house four inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late. (No matter how old the child!)
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid :lol:

RonE
11-14-2004, 03:38 PM
OMG Nikki :haha: :haha: :haha: :worship:

liptea
11-15-2004, 04:11 AM
Every year, in the school District, they have this contest about reflecting on the world with a different theme, and it's supposed to very introspective and lovely.

An entry, presented by me.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v293/kumquatsrock/SimmonsRP44KS5.jpg

Ashie_87
11-15-2004, 07:33 AM
:haha:

winston
11-16-2004, 09:25 PM
Jim felt quilty all day long. He simply couldn't get over what has happened, and couldn't think on anything else. Two sounds were arguing in his mind.
One said:
"Jim, don't worry about this. You're not the first, and surely not the last doctor to make love with his patient. Anyway, you're a single guy, so don't trouble about this."
But the other sound ruthlessly pushed him back to reality:
"Jim, you're a veterinarian!!!"

tall_one
11-17-2004, 12:59 AM
euwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww *shudders*

Ashie_87
11-17-2004, 07:44 AM
ok this isn't an original joke. I got it from WTAworld.

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs

:p

Ashie_87
11-17-2004, 07:49 AM
Same deal

For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed in preparation for my promotion to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 10/18. Please be patient and your mails
will be deleted in the order they were received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each word thereafter.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals actually did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 10 weeks, if I am still around then.

9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

12: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:

13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

Lleyton4eva
11-17-2004, 12:35 PM
What does a one legged ballerina wear??


A one one!!!!!!!!!!

:haha: :haha: :haha:

Lalitha
11-19-2004, 07:49 AM
Okay, not so clean jokes today ;)

This guy was trying to set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password.... now you have to understand he’s got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect... so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "p*****"... and the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT ***

Lalitha
11-19-2004, 07:53 AM
A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist’s couch telling him how frustrated she was since she always failed at everything she seemed to try.
"I’ve tried to be a secretary and failed," she complained. "I tried to be an actress and failed. Then, I tried sales and I failed at that too."
The doctor thought for a moment and then said, "It is important for everyone to live a full and meaningful life. Have you tried nursing?"
She thought about his suggestion for a second, then opened her blouse and revealed one of her luscious breasts.
Pointing it at the doctor, she said, "OK, I’ll give it a try."

RonE
11-19-2004, 09:17 AM
:lol: Lalitha
------------


Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was
asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place. Smack him again."

RonE
11-19-2004, 09:22 AM
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my
son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, Male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

liptea
11-19-2004, 07:47 PM
:lol: :lol: :bigclap: RonE...

tall_one
11-20-2004, 02:57 PM
Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

Deco
11-20-2004, 06:12 PM
haha;)

Black Adam
11-20-2004, 09:54 PM
this one is not original but........:

A german guy, a french guy and an english man are caught drinking alchohol somewhere in saudi arabia and their punnishement is to be whiped in front of the cheik......20 whips each one.

But the cheik says........since its my wife's birthday you get to have one wish but youi cannot wish not to be whiped.
The german say he wants a pillow tied to his back......it lasts only 10 whips :eek:
The englishman says he wants 2 pillows tied to his back....and they last the whole punnishment ;)
The cheik says to the french guy...... you know the french sympathise with arabs so you will have two wishes.......the french is busy thinking lookin at the sly grin on the english man's face.........and he says......... i want a 100 whips as fisrt wish :confused:
Ok say the cheik......and the second wish.

Tie the englishman to my back! :haha:

Éowyn
11-24-2004, 02:05 AM
A Frog Joke :

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, ''Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a holiday.''

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says it's Kermit Jagger and that it's ok, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says ''Sure, I have this'' and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: ''There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral''. She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ''I mean, what is this?''

The bank manager replies: ''It's a knick-knack Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone''.

( Aaarrrrggggg.......thud.... )

:haha::haha::haha::haha:

love that one!

Éowyn
11-24-2004, 02:06 AM
been a while since i posted any in here

Two guys are golfing on a course that is right next to a cemetery. After they tee off, one of the golfers notices that there is a funeral procession passing by. So he takes off his hat, and places it over his heart. When the funeral is over, the other golfer looks at the guy and asks, ''Why did you do that?''
The man replies, ''Well we were maried for almost 40 years. It's the least I could do.''

Éowyn
11-24-2004, 02:18 AM
some fun ways to piss people off or dares to do when drunk (or sober)

Go to the the local library, and ask the librarian if she's seen colonel mustrad or professor plum with the lead piping!

Phone the old people's home and ask if they accept donations. When answer yes, tell them you will drop your granny off in 5 minutes.

Stand in the audience at the World Sumo Wrestling Championship and yell “who ate all the pies?”

Call your local kentucky fried chicken store and ask how big their breasts are.

Go to the attendent at the local petrol station and show them a toy car and complain that the car wash shrunk your car!

At the cinema, when the advert comes on asking you to turn off your phone, start shouting “HELLO, YEAH I'M IN THE CINEMA”

Ring your local curtain store and ask to speak to Annette Curtain.
Take a fake potted plant to a large gardening centre and loudly complain that it hasn't grown.

Rostov61
11-24-2004, 02:43 AM
"American blonde"

A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine in Vegas.
A well-dressed business man approached and stood near her ready to quench his thirst.
She finally opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke and placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed it on the counter next to the Diet Coke and Coke Classic.

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Are you blind ?
Can't you see I'm still winning?"

Lalitha
11-25-2004, 10:46 AM
Rostov, :lol:

Lalitha
11-25-2004, 10:46 AM
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled... "Got Milk".

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a whitemustache. It is entitled.... "Forgot milk".

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is entitled ...."Not Milk...."

Lalitha
11-25-2004, 10:47 AM
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said "That`s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

RonE
11-25-2004, 11:14 AM
:haha: Lalitha

Lynne
11-25-2004, 11:27 AM
:haha:

RonE
11-27-2004, 01:57 PM
New English for European Union


The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
by "z" and "w" by "v".

During yer 5, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou",
and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.

buddyholly
11-27-2004, 02:53 PM
Two ducks checked into a cheap motel. Soon they realized they had no condom. ""No problem", said the boy duck, ''I will just call room service''.
Very quickly a bellboy appeared at the door with a condom.
''Here you are sir, would you like me to put it on your bill?'' ,he said.
You think I am some kind of pervert?'', said the duck.

tall_one
11-29-2004, 01:36 AM
The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack.

"Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background the dwarfs started giggling. Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them. Dopey turned back to the Pope. "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare. Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Lalitha
12-03-2004, 12:00 PM
:lol: Nickii, as always...

Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...
The drunk shouts, "Your mom`s the best damn lay in town!"
Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.
The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!"
Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.
Not two minutes pass when once again he`s back harassing the young man.
For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man`s ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."
Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you`re drunk!"

tall_one
12-03-2004, 12:07 PM
:lol: reminds me of a few guys from home

The Italian Pasta Diet
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

tall_one
12-03-2004, 12:08 PM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

Finally the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well! , strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

tall_one
12-03-2004, 12:10 PM
A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully.

Then she followed the instructions to the letter:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.

She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened. The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note.

It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell.

The lady welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

WyveN
12-03-2004, 12:20 PM
This guy is on a bus and sees a nun. He thinks she looks good so
he goes up to her and says " Even though you took your vows would you
make love to me?" The nun says " NO!" and gets off the bus angrily! The
bus driver ( who is a guy) says " Excuse me sir, but I couldn't help
overhearing your converstaion. In case you were wondering, the nun gets off
here everyday and goes to pray in Central Park." The other guy says "
Thanks, I'm going to visit her."
The next day on the bus the guy is dressed as a priest. He gets
off at Central Park and starts praying. Then the nun comes along. When
the guy sees her, he says "God has told me to make love to you." They
start making out when the priest says " I'm sorry, I haven't been totaly
honest with you. I'm not really a priest, I'm the guy on the bus
yesterday." The nun replies "That's ok, i'm not being totally honest with you either.
I'm really the bus driver!"

Lalitha
12-03-2004, 12:28 PM
A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "Youve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, thats absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, "Well, theres one door that leads to the bathroom. Theres a second door that goes into the closet. And theres a door I havent tried, but it has a do not disturb sign on it."

tall_one
12-04-2004, 06:08 PM
Talking Clock
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"

tall_one
12-04-2004, 06:14 PM
Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are.

The Texas mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the California mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The California mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Texas mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

They both turn to the New Jersey mouse. The New Jersey mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the two, "I don't have time for this BS". Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

RonE
12-05-2004, 02:14 PM
:lol: Nicki (I just learned this is how you spell your name :o )

tall_one
12-05-2004, 08:16 PM
:lol: Nicki (I just learned this is how you spell your name :o )
:lol: don't worry, you aren't the only one who spells it wrong, it is kind of funny seeing all the ways it gets spelled :lol:

tall_one
12-14-2004, 05:45 PM
http://img81.exs.cx/img81/4540/SANTA.jpg

RonE
12-14-2004, 11:47 PM
:haha: :haha: :worship:

Éowyn
12-15-2004, 02:52 AM
http://img81.exs.cx/img81/4540/SANTA.jpg

:haha::haha::haha::haha: man that ones great

tall_one
12-15-2004, 08:47 AM
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl says.

The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Mrs. B
12-18-2004, 08:42 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v610/Frau_Bernhard/shittinsanta.jpg

Lalitha
12-21-2004, 08:31 AM
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!"

Lalitha
12-21-2004, 08:32 AM
Five cannibals(Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT
company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all
part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to
the company canteen for something to eat. So
don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to
trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very
hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners
has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the
boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others "Which
of you idiots ate the cleaner?" One of the cannibals raises his hand
hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For
four
weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers
and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one cleaner and
it got noticed. So hereafter please dont eat a person who is working.

RonE
12-21-2004, 09:01 AM
Great ones Lalitha, Mrs B and Nicki :worship: :haha:

RonE
12-31-2004, 08:54 AM
Subject: Superior Culture


A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians"

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire"

And so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"

The Italian says: "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women"

tall_one
12-31-2004, 07:34 PM
:lol: niceeee

tall_one
12-31-2004, 07:36 PM
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

tall_one
12-31-2004, 07:37 PM
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk,they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,"So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Danish."

tall_one
12-31-2004, 07:40 PM
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars", says the owner.

The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

tall_one
12-31-2004, 07:43 PM
A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things.

Finally he takes the parrot to a vet. The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"

Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain.

Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"

Rex
12-31-2004, 08:05 PM
heres one-

a boy finds out that there is a machine that can discover whats wrong with you if you injured yourself--his doctor makes a wierd mixture including his blood to find out what was wrong woth his arm-- the machine said tennis elbow-- the boy was stunned by this magnificent machine, but was curious-- so he decided to make his own mixture to see what the machine would say-- so he made a wierd concotion of things around his house, and topped it off with some produce of his wanking-- he gave the mixture to the machine-- the machine replies," mate, you have a filthy house, but if you dont stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never heal!"

yeah, i know its lame

LCeh
12-31-2004, 09:12 PM
I got this one form Tennis-x, so not so original... ;)

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into
the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change.

A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I
had tennis elbow once."

tall_one
12-31-2004, 11:44 PM
I got this one form Tennis-x, so not so original... ;)
orignal? nah the title of the thread is misleading, it should be rehashed jokes told over & over again ;)

RonE
01-01-2005, 06:01 PM
:lol: good ones Nicki Rex and Levin :yeah:

RonE
01-04-2005, 08:49 AM
A kindergarten class has a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time comes to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher calls on walks up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk makes a small white dot on the blackboard. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it is.

"It's a period," he replies.

"I can see that," says the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he says, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy."

RonE
01-10-2005, 09:02 PM
Subject: Not Tonight Dear


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

For example, one evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads hearing: "You're just not in touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all, dear. Let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I told her, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped
with a baffled WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

I don't think I'm having sex tonight, either.

buddyholly
01-10-2005, 09:39 PM
Subject: Not Tonight Dear


I have never figured out why men think with their head .

Wrong :devil:

buddyholly
01-10-2005, 09:41 PM
The missing period was good, though :haha: :haha:

tall_one
01-11-2005, 07:29 AM
A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well.

The frenchie asks the landlord, "What is that dirty camel doing in here?"

The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.

The Landlord looks at the frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."

tall_one
01-11-2005, 07:31 AM
I decided that I needed a few days off and realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy, thinking he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out.

My coworker started following me and the Boss asked "Where are you going?"

"I can't work in the dark!"

tall_one
01-11-2005, 07:33 AM
Drinking quotes

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading." ~Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case....Coincidence? I think not." ~Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~Benjamin Franklin

"BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! " ~ Unknown

Ashie_87
01-11-2005, 07:38 AM
:haha: great ones!

tall_one
01-28-2005, 11:03 AM
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K.,Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

tall_one
01-28-2005, 11:04 AM
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water to the hole."

tall_one
01-28-2005, 11:05 AM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

tall_one
02-21-2005, 09:47 AM
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, "I left early to go shopping-- Love you."

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night."

Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!"

Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

sol
02-21-2005, 10:01 AM
:lol: Nicki :yeah:

This thread is back! :dance:

I don't know if these are already posted here. Anyway ;) :p

________________________________

Does DEC still make toasters...? They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

________

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was *that*?"

_________________________________

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG
!
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he
thinks. Then he hears the
voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some
inches, he finds a small
chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which
to destroy the lock,
and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
and walks to the
casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and
goes to one of the tables,
where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly
bursts. Everybody is quiet
when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT !
_____________________________________

If Wang made toasters...
Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the toaster would be several years late.
Just after release Wang would buy another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got more orders for the original.


_________________________________




On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.
Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.

When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?"

______________________________

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.
All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... They have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about
35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

______________________________________

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.

Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:

"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"


___________________________________________

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


___________________________________________

Changing of the English Language


Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th'
by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

___________________________________________


What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

______________________________________

Work Environment:
(Wise manager) + (Wise employee) = PROFIT (Wise manager) + (Dumb employee) = PRODUCTION (Dumb manager) + (Wise employee) = PROMOTION (Dumb manager) + (Dumb employee) = OVERTIME

______________________________________

Two prisoners were having a chat.
The first one said. "I've go two tickets for the warden's ball, Do you want to buy one?"
"No thanks, mate," said the second guy. "I can't dance."
"It's not a dance, mate," said the first prisoner. "It's a raffle!"

____________________________________

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls
make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit
card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good
girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could
do it better. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a
strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a
strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear
high heels to bed. Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

__________________________________

Why are E.T.s eyes so big?

Because he saw the phone bill.

___________________________________

Lee
02-21-2005, 11:09 PM
Need to spread my love before I can rep Nicki and Solangel! :hug:

sol
02-21-2005, 11:15 PM
Lee :hug:

1) Got a neighbor that's a real pain in the ass? Do they have a
lawn? Do they have a garden that's accessible? Yes to all the
above? Great! Go out and get yourself some grass-killer and fill
the suckers hose with the stuff. Then sit back and wait for them
water their lawn! Nuff said?

2) Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine? If
so, have I got one for you! Get yourself some Neutral Red, a water
soluble, crystalline, red dye. Mix some into the persons wine and
wait for them to take a leak. (Nuetral Red comes out as red as it
goes in, and people have a tendancy to get really nervous when they
start pissing what they think is blood!

3) (I'm surprised nobody mentioned this one yet.) Go to a pet shop and
buy a fancy looking pet collar and leash. Then, the next time you
see a dead animal in the road, attach the leash and collar setup
to its neck. Attach the whole thing to revengees rear bumper, making
sure to toss dead animal under the car so it won't be seen. When
revengee drives away, chances are he/she will be stopped by either a cop
or a member of some animal lovers group for draggin some poor defenseless
pet down the road. Either way, they are gonna have some awful quick
explaining to do!

4) Last, but certainly not least, is a great stink bomb. This one takes
a bit of time for preparation, so it's not too good for spontaneous
revenge. (But it's worth the time!) Get a quart jar with a rubber seal.
(Mason jars work quite well.) Pour about 1/4 to 1/2 inch of crystal Drano
along with about an inch or so of warm water into the jar. Place the
lid on the jar and allow the mixture to sit in a warm place for about an
hour. Take the lid off and add six egg whites, (no yokes). Add a quarter
cup of Methylene Blue, then fill the jar to within an inch of the top
with water. Seal the jar tightly and allow to sit for four to six weeks.
(I warned you it takes a while!) When the 'bomb' is ready to use, you
can either throw it like a molitov(sp?) cocktail, or shake it up and
pour the contents out, making damn sure you don't get any on yourself.
The results have to be seen, or is that smelled, to be beleived!


______________________

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?

He got 16 months.

______________________

superpinkone37
02-22-2005, 06:37 AM
I dont have any to post right now, but thanks for postng these jokes, everyone :) :rolls:

sol
02-25-2005, 12:50 AM
Danielle :hug:

____________________

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time
came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what
Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him
just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "But
what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself."

_____________________________

Q: What do you call a woman with no asshole?
A: Divorced.
_____________________________

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a
hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my
change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

_______________________________

I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call, they like
to stay out all night, come home and expect
to be fed and stroked, then want to be left
alone and sleep. In other words, every quality
that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

_______________________________

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas
Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off
so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand
of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to
look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"
"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon
another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How
about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".
This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and
hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take
home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

__________________________________

How are men like UFOs?

You don't know where they come from, what their mission is,
or what time they're going to take off.

_______________________________

a dyslexic man walks into a bra...



Sent by Robert

______________________________

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window
with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls
his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the
nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're
gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"

________________________________________

How Shit Happens



In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
Company, and in these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how Shit Happens.

__________________________________

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace.

__________________________________

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a
living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back
home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the
older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know
I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it
on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to
legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too.


______________________________________

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar
in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,
which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside
to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body
hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on
his stool, looked down at the quivering little man
and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,
"I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the
hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old
puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

________________________________________

So this Mexican dude was taking a piss on the side of a building
and this white dude sees him. After the Mexican is done the white
guy asks him, "How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands after
you pee?"

And the Mexican guy replies, "Because we Mexicans don't piss in
our hands"

_________________________________

What did Bob Dole reply when asked if he preferred boxers or briefs?

"Depends."

_________________________________

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

________________________________

How does a yuppie couple perform doggie-style sex?

He sits up and begs and she lies down and plays dead.

_________________________________

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?

They drowned in Spring Training.

_________________________________

How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.

How do you confuse her even more?

Ask her where she went.

_________________________________

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.
Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here", said the
one in the grave, "I'm cold". The other one looked over the edge and said,
"No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you".

___________________________________

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out
and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears
some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of
his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the
man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."

___________________________________

American Way of Robbery


True Stories of Some of the Dumbest Crooks on Earth:

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a
cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

(Editor's Note 1: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos" ...)

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
"handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics
was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman
decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day
Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else*
can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back
to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While
it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in
the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the
money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal
a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.
The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons
decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*
walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house,
and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked
the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience
store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

___________________________________

Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man
or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then
interrupts:
"Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little
finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better,
your finger or your ear?"

______________________________________

What's the difference between a barmaid in
the evening and a barmaid at night?

A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
A barmaid at night is bare and ....

_______________________________________

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the
sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her
husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him
trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the
Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact"
about the whole thing all during the trial.

"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning
where you felt pity for your husband ?"

"Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied.

"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.

"Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

tall_one
02-25-2005, 04:29 PM
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

sol
02-26-2005, 05:39 PM
American University Grading Procedures

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION:
- Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.

___________________________________

The Wisdom of Youth Never give up because life gets harder
as you get older.
After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and
bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or
four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at
least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work.
I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other
day. Nick Coleman, age 9
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they
like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I
asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.
Bruce Wagner, age 13
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But
the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age
14
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with
explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they
are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are
just to look at, not to really understand. Someday we may discover how
to make magnets that can point in any direction. A vibration is a
motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Many
dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to
be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you
don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to
let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires
burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against
brother.

____________________________

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees
a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says,
"What the hell is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all
his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some
clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than
watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his
pants down with the other."

____________________________

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing
where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.

"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very
dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less
seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was
the couple was doing.

"Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a
brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's
artificial respiration!"

"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which
merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"

_________________________

This guy goes ice fishing, takes out an auger and starts drilling.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there.
Guy goes to another spot and drills.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: There's no fish there, either.
Guy tries a third spot.
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: Nope. Not there either.
Guy, getting a little nervous: "Are you God?
LOUD VOICE FROM ABOVE: No. I'm the arena manager.

___________________________

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,
to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless
world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates
filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious,
I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he
done now?" and said with trepidation,
"Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!
What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."

sol
02-27-2005, 10:00 PM
http://www.jokes2go.com/images/lawyer.gif..

What is the loose skin around the pussy called?

-The woman.

____________________________________

Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are
many people around, giving the impression that you are
very hard pressed.

____________________________________

What is the meaning of "sanctity"?

It's french, for a lady with five breasts.
____________________________________

Serbian official press agency claimed today that Serbian forces shot down
two F-117 Planes and four Ballistic "smart" missiles.
Pentagon denied the statement, saying that all of them had safely returned
to NATO's base.

________________________________

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap
dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy
the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for
$10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs
back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot
before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked
the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the
pot?"

____________________________

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad
and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "well, I knew that
my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he
actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp."
Patrick says, "that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick
replies, "no, he fell out of the machine gun tower."

________________________________

This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was
awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs
and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and
masturbating with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to
bed.

The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some
liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left. The
customer was really annoyed, she pointed to the corner of the shop and
asked, "No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right
over there?"

The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in-law."

_______________________________

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the
checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is
suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his
cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack
or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband
will surely die".

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to
work in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him
in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him
with household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,
have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in
bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked,
"So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What
did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

_______________________________

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when
a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his
butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the
baby was his and asked what was he going to do about
it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until
the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar,
and one day the teenager who had been collecting the
meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been
counting too, tell your mother, when you take this
parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat
she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The
woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher
and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk,
and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the
expression on HIS face!"

_______________________________

When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for
preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

"Is that your grandmother?" I asked Chris when he boarded.

"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied.
"Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."

_________________________________

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been
for you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife
turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our
savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run
over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car
rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down
recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it
all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.

______________________________

Two British faggots were standing on Circular Quay looking out over the
harbour. One of them pointed to a ferry and asked, "Elton, what's that?"

"That's a ferry-boat, George my love," answered Elton.

"Oooh!" Squealed George, "I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know
we had our own navy!"

______________________________

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a
helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes
and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.
He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries."
"Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of the
helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it."
He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.
About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.
Hillary asks "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out
the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people."
He says "I still feel like I didn't do enough."
She says "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out the
window? That should make a lot of people happy."
Again he says it's a good idea and he does.
A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says "I still
don't think I've done enough."
This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says "Why don't you throw
yourself out the goddamn window...that will make everyone in America happy."

tall_one
02-28-2005, 06:28 AM
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

sol
02-28-2005, 09:42 AM
A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small
business how do I go about it?"
The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and
replies "Buy a big one and wait"

_____________________________

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.
Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.
"Fuck me" shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.
"What the fuck are you doing that for?" says Smartie.
"That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see
him, so I'm hiding from him" says Polo.
"You should stand up to him" says Smartie. "He'll respect you more
if you do"
Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.
"Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I'll knock the fucking shit out of
you" says Polo.
"Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink" says Humbug.
"Told you so" says Smartie.
The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in
walks Humbug with his mate, Tune.
"Fuck me" shouts Polo again diving under the table.
"What the fuck are you doing that for again" says Smartie.
"I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune" says Polo.
"So what?" says Smartie.
"He's fucking menthol" says Polo.
_______________________________

tall_one
03-01-2005, 07:35 AM
Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine.

"Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available."

"Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep."

"Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."

Carlita
03-01-2005, 07:58 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

sol
03-01-2005, 10:01 AM
Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially
because of the hunting excursions he shared with them. As will happen,
one day he died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king
was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of
hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time
before they ousted him. This is a truly significant event, because it's
the first time a reign was called on account of the game.

______________________________________

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the
vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I
can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then
patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted
on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

_______________________________________

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on
the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that
BlowJob I promised you? Here it comes..."

sol
03-02-2005, 12:50 AM
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in
the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for
two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty
years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that
he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door,
and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is
a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes late
the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?"
the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but
there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I
can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and
complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another
knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the
door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

_______________________________________

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the
living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some
drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the
mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says,
"What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Oh, well, er...I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

_______________________________________

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly,
I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when
you are sober."

_______________________________________

A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm when
one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his
grandfather playing with himself.
The boy says, "What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?"
Grandpa replies, "No sonny, just jacking!"

_______________________________________

At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" One young woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."

snaillyyy
03-02-2005, 12:59 AM
:worship: Nicki and Sol :worship: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

tall_one
03-02-2005, 12:26 PM
A woman goes on holiday in the Caribbean, whilst staying at her hotel she meets a big black guy. After a night of mad passion she asked for his name.

He replies: “If I tell you, you will laugh!”

The woman promises she won’t laugh, so he says: “My name is SNOW!”

She laughs and says: “My hubby won’t believe me when I tell him had 10 inches of snow every night in the Caribbean!!!”

tall_one
03-02-2005, 12:28 PM
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,"Excuse me,sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Stink Bait is $3.50."

sol
03-03-2005, 01:05 AM
A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer.
One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was
drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I took
the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says
"it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have
a bull!"

_______________________________________

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says
"I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument
that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar
look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar.
The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner
pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet.
The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks
it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching
all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back
a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his
octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give
you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the
bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another
look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner
comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up
and play that damn thing!
The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how
to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!

_______________________________________

Mr Smith goes downstairs in the morning and his doorman says, "Mr
Smith, how are you?" Smith says, "I feel great." Doorman says, "But
you look terrible!" Smith says, "But I feel great."

When Smith gets to the office, his secretary asks him how he is. He
says, "I feel great!" She says, "But you look terrible." He says, "But
I feel great." Smith goes to lunch with his friend and they have just
the same conversation. His friend insists that he goes to the doctor
and so that is what Mr Smith does.

The doctor asks what the problem is. Smith says, "I feel great but I
look terrible." Dr says, "I don't know that ailment so I'll look in my
medical book." The doctor takes out a huge tome. "Feels great, looks
terrible..." he says as he turns the pages, "Feels great, looks
terrible.... Feels gre... I've got it!! You're a vagina!"

_______________________________________

A husband said to his wife
"Get your coat on love, it's time to go to the pub."
She replied "But you NEVER take me out."
"I'm not," said the husband,
"but I'm turning the heating off before I go."

_______________________________________

If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than
the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be
conveniently attached to your belt.

_______________________________________

Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll
never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position
for lovemaking."
"Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back."
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out."

______________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

_______________________________________

Did you hear about the woman who only had two chances to get pregnant?

-She blew them both...

_______________________________________

How do you get a one armed MAN out of a tree?

Wave at him.

______________________________________

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls
make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit
card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good
girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could
do it better. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a
strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a
strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear
high heels to bed. Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

_______________________________________

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"


_______________________________________

A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her
senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:
"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious
problems."
"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my
child and I'll love it regardless."
"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."
"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."
"And it hasn't got any arms either."
"What?"
"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact,
your child is only a very, very big ear."
The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her
son.
"Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?"
"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."

sol
03-03-2005, 10:14 PM
What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine?

They both leak when they're fucked!
:( :ras:
_____________________________________

This guy and his girlfriend are fighting....she says "I'm breaking up
with you." "Why??"
he asks. She says "because you are a pedophile".
He says "Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10
year old."
______________________________________

There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick,
and one with a nine foot dick.
The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard.
The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the other
person would get splinters.
Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says, "See that girl over
there? Bam. Got her."

______________________________________

How do you get an elephant out of the water?
Wet.

How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.

______________________________________

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other
members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that
old man asleep
in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell
you some hunting
stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began,
"I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot
and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I
was so tired I had to
rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on
the tree, and fell
asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a
noise in the
bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen
jumped out of the
bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......' I
tell you, I
just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame
you, I would have
shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his
head and said, "No,
no, not then, just now when I said
'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'"


_______________________________________

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an
extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey
how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor.
The other says, "I don't know, go ask him."
So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come
we do all a da work and you get all a da money?"
The supervisor says "Intelligence".
Guido says "what is this intelligence?"
The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my
hand as hard as you can!"
Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor
pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's intelligence".
Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his
face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."


______________________________________

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

_______________________________________

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first
blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde,
"Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim.
Please tell me how you did this!"
The second blonde then says, " But you ARE on the otherside!"

______________________________________

How do we know that the "Toothbrush" was invented in West Virginia?

- Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a "Teethbrush".

______________________________________

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge."
The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"
The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."


______________________________________

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to
remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a
big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that
would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the
middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change
the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of
it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him
erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who
had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we
just make his legs longer?"

______________________________________

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when his cock slid
in the little boys arse?
A: There is a great musician in you.

sol
03-05-2005, 12:37 AM
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.
Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa
application. The border official look s over his shoulder,
and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into
the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we
mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.

______________________________________

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

_______________________________________

How offensive is that?

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer
from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and
sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he
calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.

Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the
gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just
then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with
his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No
one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!"

Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls.
Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There
he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and
both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now
lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of
the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion
finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He
goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of
the crowd.

Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks,
"Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?"

Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,"Oh
nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house
from here!"

_______________________________________

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken
to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your
secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey,
my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you
wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very
efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed
her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

_______________________________________

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

_______________________________________

t a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:

Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."

Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to
change your mind?"

Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know
there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my
wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."

_______________________________________

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was
being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand
Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french
fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly
sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a
glass of water, but then came the time when he returned
empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?"
demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the
wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

______________________________________

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"

The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."

"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.

"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might
be made an ArchBishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously.

"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"

"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal"

"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could be
elected Pope, but..."

So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?,
is there any way to go up from being the Pope?"

"What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"

The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of our boys made it."

sol
03-05-2005, 04:45 PM
Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and
pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when
in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to
understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.


_______________________________________

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

_______________________________________

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling
them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd
standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and
said, "Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young
policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I
do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a
bus stop."

_______________________________________

Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete
financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

Name:_____________________________________________ _________
Date of Birth:________________
Height:_____________________
Weight:______
IQ:___________________________
GPA:_____________
Social Security Number:_____
Driver's License Number:______
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Telephone:____________________
Home Address:__________________________________________ ____
City:_______________________
State:________________________
Zip:_____________




1.Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:


2.Number of years your parents have been married: ____
Any brothers or sisters? ____
Are they normal? ____

3.Do you own or have access to a van? ____
A truck with oversize tires? ____
A waterbed? ____

4.Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____

5.Do youi have a tattoo? ____

If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.

6.In fifty words or less, what does Late mean to you?




7.In fifty words or less, what does Don't touch my daughter mean to you?




8.In fifty words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you?




9.In fifty words or less, what does Real Pain mean to you?




10.Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________

How often do you attend: ____________________________

11.When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ___________________________


12.Please fill in the blanks:

a.If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________

b.If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________

c.A woman's place is in the ____________________________

d.The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________

e.When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________

Note: If answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and
running in a serpentine fashion is advised


13.What do you want to be if you grow up?




I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of
death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.

Signature of applicant _________________________________

Signature of father _____________________________________

Signature of mother ____________________________________

Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________

Signature of State Representative _________________________



Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6
years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never
apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.


______________________________________

What's black and blue and hates sex?

A **** victim.

________________________________________


A man driving outside of Baltimore, Maryland was southbound on
Interstate 95 in the far right hand lane traveling at 55 mph, minding
his own business. He noticed in his rear view mirror that a Maryland
State Trooper was right behind him. A mile later nothing changed,
except now he's driving at 65 mph, the maximum limit. Several miles
further along, the Trooper's right on his bumper and the man increases
his speed to 75 mph. The Trooper activates his lights and siren and
the man reluctantly pulls onto the shoulder.

After the Trooper demands the man's driver's license and registration,
he sez, "Mr. {Smith}, I cannot for the life of me figure out why, when
you knew I was behind you for quite some time, you sped up knowing
that you could be cited for speeding. What in the world caused you to
do that ?

The man looked relieved, stared the Trooper directly in the eye and
softly spoke, "Trooper, three months ago, my wife ran off with a
Maryland State Trooper. I thought you were him, bringing her back."



_______________________________________

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a
building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her
pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to
Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch
it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed
catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into
cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his
knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

sol
03-06-2005, 11:13 PM
What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?

A hundred dollar bill.
________________________________________

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife
made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was
ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to
say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to
the poisons."

______________________________________

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms
or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises
him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso
pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his
head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The
father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs
pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up
on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....
right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into
him and kills him.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans
his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the
bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

_______________________________________

Confucious say: "Man who goes to sleep
with sex on mind wakes up with solution
in hand."

_______________________________________

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate
trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on
shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold
a genie popped out.
"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me,
I will grant you one wish."
"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while,
and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love
handles."
"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of
smoke...
And her ears promptly fell off.

_______________________________________

After their love-making session the young bride asks her husband "Was
making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?"
"Yes, she's dead to!""Was making love to me really the same as making
love to Marilyn Monroe?"

"Yes, she's dead to!"

_______________________________________

There was once a wide mouth frog. She had babies and she didn't know what
to feed them. She went to the cow, talking with her mouth real wide, she
said, "COW, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" The Cow said, "I feed my babies
milk." She went on to the horse. Talking with her mouth real wide, she
said, "HORSE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" "I feed my babies hay." said
the horse. Finally she came to a snake. Talking with her mouth real wide,
she said, "SNAKE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" The snake said, "I feed
my babies wide mouth frogs." So the frog said, with her mouth really
small, "Oh, is that so."

_______________________________________

Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic
young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over
the pulpit and boomed,

"Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have
committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of
your mouf!"

sol
03-08-2005, 10:08 AM
Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,
it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and
receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and
generally have a blast without doing anything remotely
related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits
that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to
talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by
your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is
to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars.

_______________________________________

Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and
use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR.
Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R. Then to use it in a
sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while
pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint
to little Suzy and said "Ear"

_______________________________________

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."

_______________________________________

What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour
waiting for a two minute ride!!

_______________________________________

After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple
finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant.
After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The
new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel
like honey ?"

"Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime !"

_______________________________________

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and
a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban
neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and
worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his
younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady
from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men
running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"


_______________________________________

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president
had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back
of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife,
when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

_______________________________________

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.
On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and
begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and
drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and,
using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.
She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes
his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to
get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful
and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there
anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my
shirt?"

"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she
puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your
face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in
the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and
says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

joske
03-08-2005, 10:40 AM
:lol: a lot of good ones here :yeah:

sol
03-08-2005, 11:59 PM
I HAD A BAD DAY

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy
would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at
12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told
the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day
you died."
"No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my
wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour,
she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex
with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well,
I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this
guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to
give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that
there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and
promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall
and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went
back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at
him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the
refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and
heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had
a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK,
Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before
I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I
was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips
on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy
man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping
on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on
the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm
laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the
ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell
me about the day you died," said the angel.
"OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a
Refrigerator......."
_______________________________________

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that
they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert
himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we
wouldn't be here at all!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only
would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any "we" in the first place."

_______________________________________


Q: Why were there only 49 contestants at the Miss Ebonics USA pageant?

A: No one wanted to stand up and say. . .Idaho...

_______________________________________

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend
and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in
the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when
we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue
after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see
stars, too."

_______________________________________

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later,
felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the
pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my
neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

_______________________________________

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's
pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the
dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries
its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house,
hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy,
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?".
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?".
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day.
But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went
outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him
back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"


_______________________________________

Changing of the English Language

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th'
by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh
is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be
dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt
vud finali hav kum tru.

_______________________________________

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a
rectal thermometer?

The taste.

_______________________________________

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help
me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I
have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a
day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but
thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day,"
says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor.
"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man.
"Twice a day."

_______________________________________

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted,
"I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

_______________________________________

We, the people of Florida, are holding this election hostage.
When you, the people of the U.S., promise to stop sending us
your old people, we will release your election.

Nimomunz
03-09-2005, 01:00 AM
I HAD A BAD DAY

_______________________________________

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted,
"I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

_______________________________________

We, the people of Florida, are holding this election hostage.
When you, the people of the U.S., promise to stop sending us
your old people, we will release your election.

My landlord is in Florida right now i'll send him that joke with my check this week!! LOL

sol
03-11-2005, 09:57 AM
Bill and Bob met at the club for their weekly golf game.
And for the third week in a row, it was raining too hard to play.
Bill: Well, Bob, what do you want to do now?
Bob: Darts?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Shoot some pool?
Bill: Nah.
Bob: Cards?
Bill: Nah. Hey, I've got an idea. We can go over to my house and
fool around with my wife.
Bob: Whadaya mean?
Bill: Just what I said. We'll go to my house and we can fool around
with my wife.
Bob: What about me?
Bill: She's a sport. She won't mind at all.
Bob: Well... if you think it's okay...
Bill: Sure. C'mon, let's go!
at Bill's house
Bill: Honey, I'm home. Honey. Sweetheart! Damn! She must have gone
shopping. Tell ya what, Bob. Let's go to your house!

_______________________________________

Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.

_______________________________________

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped
to attend the following autumn. As he was walking across the Quad, he
stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: "Sir, can you please
tell me where your library is at?"
The man looked down his nose and replied: "Son, I'm head of the English
department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with
prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply."
"Can you tell me where your library is at, ass-hole?"

Sent by Randy


_______________________________________

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one
question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

_______________________________________

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she
replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

______________________________________


This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the
man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the
service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a
Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man
some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the
gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained
Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then
cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs
on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service
guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the
Chihuahua."



_______________________________________

A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room and the straight guy has
his shirt unbuttoned exposing a heavy coat of chest hair. The gay asked
how he came to have so much hair on his chest. He said, "I put Vaseline
on it every night." That night the gay put Vaseline on his chest and went
to bed. His partner George said, "What in the hell is that?" "It's to grow
hair." he replied. "Bull shit!" said George. "If Vaseline grew hair...I'd
have tail a mile long!

_______________________________________

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.
His tears are streaming down his cheeks.
An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.
"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four
little kittens we had yesterday!"
"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your
father is a real bastard!'
"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that
I could do it."

_______________________________________

Less-Known Computer Languages


Basic-Fortran-Cobol... These
programming languages are well
known and (more or less) well
loved throughout the computer
industry.

There are numerous other
languages however that are less
well known yet still have ardent
devotees. In fact these little
-known languages generally
have the most fanatic admirers.

For those who wish to know more
about these obscure languages -
and why they are obscure - I
present the following catalog.

SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronym
for Sheer Idiot's Mono Purpose

Programming Lingusitic
Environment.

This language developed at the
Hanover College for Technological
Misfits was designed to make it
impossible to write code with
errors in it. The statements are
therefore confined to BEGIN-END-
and STOP. No matter how you
arrange the statements you can't
make a syntax error.

Programs written in SIMPLE do
nothing useful.Thus they achieve
the results of programs written
in other languages without the
tedious frustrating process of
testing and debugging.

SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best known
for the speed or lack of it of
its compiler. Although many
compilers allow you to take a
coffee break while they compile
SLOBOL compilers allow you to take
a trip to Bolivia to pick up the
coffee. Forty-three programmers
are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while
waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.
Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn
to a related (but infinitely
faster) language...COCAINE.

VALGOL ... (With special thanks to
Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau)
- From its modest beginnings in
southern California's San
Fernando Valley VALGOL is enjoying
a dramatic surge of popularity
across the industry.

VALGOL commands include REALLY-
LIKE - WELL and YAKNOW. Variables
are assigned with the =LIKE and
=TOTALLY operators.Other operators
include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS"
FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of
code are handled in FOR-SURE loops.
Here is a sample VALGOL program

. 14 LIKE-YAKNOW (I MEAN) START
. %% IF
. PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND
. 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
. 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX
. 4K (FERSURE)**2
. 18 THEN
. 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
. 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2)
. 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
. -17 SURE
. 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
. ? REALLY
. $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)

VALGOL is characterized by its
unfriendly error messages. For
example when the user makes a
syntax error the interpreter
displays the message GAG ME WITH
A SPOON!


LAIDBACK ... Historically VALGOL is
a derivative of LAIDBACK which
was developed at the (now defunct)
Marin County Center for T'ai Chi
Mellowness and Computer
Programming as an analternative to the
more intense atmosphere in nearby
silicon valley. The center was
ideal for programmers who liked to
soak in hot tubs while they
worked. Unfortunately few
programmers could survive there
for long since the center outlawed
pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean
curd and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK
because its reputation as a
gentle and nonthreatening language.
For example LAIDBACK responded to
syntax errors with the message
SORRY MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

SARTRE ... Named after the late
existential philosopher.SARTRE is
an extremely unstructured
language. Statements in SARTRE have
no purpose they are just there.
Thus SARTRE programs are left to
define their own functions.
SARTRE programmers tend to be
boring and depressed and are no
fun at parties.

FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precision
mathematical language in which
the data types refer to quantity.
The data types range from CC-OUNCE
-SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH
(hence the name of the language)
LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO.
Commands refer to ingredients
such as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY-
CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCH
and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH
language reflect the sophistication
and financial status of its users.
Commands in the ELITE dialect
include VSOP and LAFITE while
commands in the GUTTER dialect
include HOOTCH and RIPPLE.
The latter is a favorite of
frustrated FORTH programmers who
end up using the language.

C-...This language was named
for the grade received by its
creater when he submitted it
as a class project in a
graduate programming class.

C- is best described as a
'Low Level' programming
language.

In fact the language
generally requires more C-
statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given
task. In this respect it
is very similar to COBOL.

LITHP ... This otherwise
unremarkable language is
distinguished by the absence
of an "s" in its character set.

Programmers and users must
substitute"TH". LITHP is said to
be useful in prothething lithtth.

DOGO ... Developed at the
Massachussettes Institute of
Obedience Training. DOGO heralds
a new era of computer literate
pets. DOGO commands include SIT
STAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. An
innovative feature of DOGO is
'PUPPY GRAPHICS' in which a small
cocker spaniel occasionally leaves
a deposit as he travels across
the screen.

_______________________________________

Cop coming upon a young couple making out....
Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
Boy: We're necking.
Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here.

sol
03-13-2005, 10:36 AM
Some professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked
children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you
the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.

_______________________________________

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there,
he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said
Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long
line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the
executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the
guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"

______________________________________

I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."

He said, "Don't answer it!"

_______________________________________

The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's
milk was better for babies than cow's milk.
This is the answer he submitted:
1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.
He also added: "It comes in such cute containers."

_______________________________________

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

_______________________________________

Tombstone Epitaph:
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising

_______________________________________

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel
bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to
stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?"
she sighed.
"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my
partner can buy the ticket!"

_______________________________________

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast.
One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said,
"Don't move -- I'll be right back."
When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in
amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?"
"I hiccupped."

_______________________________________

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know
how to say one thing."

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to
have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to
your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house
and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to
pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to
praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and
praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the
female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put
the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

______________________________________

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his
hand caught in a gate while working his cattle)a doctor and the old man
were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well,
ya know, old Bush is a post turtle".

So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle"
was. And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.
You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't
get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor
thing down."

_______________________________________

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On
the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little
honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she
once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
says, "clumsy bitch".

_______________________________________

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it
cause it was prettier than most.
The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".
I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?"
I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."

sol
03-15-2005, 10:15 AM
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract
and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering
trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night
stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already
in one.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said.
"Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me
a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.

_______________________________________

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of
his, also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been
doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I
can talk now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment
program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They
got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent
damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy,
and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replied the specialist."Kindly go into the next room, drop
your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaked in carrying a
broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he
'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.
The mute jumped from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."

_______________________________________

Paddy was picked up on a **** charge. He was placed in a lineup
with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into
the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her!
I'd recognize her anywhere!"

_______________________________________

How to be a Good Wife

Excerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbook


Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good
meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in
your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a life.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order,
and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he
would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile
and be glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft,
soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home
and relax.

Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

______________________________________

Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man
away?

1) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

_______________________________________

John receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party
about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home.
On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a
good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

_______________________________________

Great A Hot & Juicy Story

Well, I was loafin' around the salad bar at the burger stand one chili
day on Coney Island, when I Frito-Lay'd my eyes on the sweetest little
tomato I'd ever seen. Let's just say I could tell she wasn't gonna be
ice-cold or taste like some of those cheaper spreads I'd eaten.
So I mustard up my courage and I whispered, "Hey, Mama Bird! You got a
sweet set of sesame-seed buns, and I'd live to bury my open-face in
your McMuffin snack pack. And maybe later I could drive-in my Jumbo
Jack in your Box. So, what's your name, anyway?"
"Wendy," she replied, and said that her buns were always hot and
fresh. Well, it seemed like an invitation to me, so I unzipped my
French-fly, pulled down my hash-browns and whipped out my
Quarter-Pounder.
She took one look at my foot-long Weinerschnitzel and said, "Holy
enchirito, what a Whopper! I haven't seen a sausage and a pair of
McNuggets like that since I was in the sack with Long John Silver over
at the Colonel's place, and I probably won't see another 'til Foster
freezes over. And believe me, I relish the thought of squeezin' the
mayonnaise right outta that big Sloppy Joe of yours."
I said, "Look, honey...those meatheads are just horseradish. I'm the
supreme Burger King around here. And by the way, aren't you hungry?"
"Yeah," she shot back, "I haven't even had my breakfast, Jack." It
wasn't long before she was munching on my Big Mac and eventually took
down the whole enchilada. I could tell I wouldn't be able to hold the
pickles or hold the lettuce much longer, so I just blew a whole gallon
of my lo-cal secret sauce to go. She took a big gulp and giggled,
"Oooh, that's fast food. A bit salty, but quality you can taste...and
finger lickin' good, too!"
She said, "So what's yer name, hot dog? Orange you Julius?"
"No," I replied, but you can call me Pizza Man, 'cause I deliver!"
Well anyway, I turned her around, tore off her wrapper, and wedged my
Big Boy between her patties and right up into her hot cherry bendover.
She screamed, "I FOUND THE BEEF, I FOUND THE BEEF!" which just gave me
the urge to keep pounding my SuperBurrito in and out...in and
out...and in and out...and in and out of her hot little micro.
Well, we were still playing Pup 'n' Taco , when she confessed her real
name wasn't Wendy...but Ronald.
Hey, it wasn't my bag, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about
taking her over to see Dr. Pepper to have him pull a Carl's Jr. out of
her oven.
Yeah, little did I know that I had spend the night not with a saucy
little fish filet, but with a flaming Dairy Queen!

sol
03-16-2005, 10:34 AM
I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for
parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he
said we could discuss it tonight in a "National Town Meeting."

______________________________________

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it
in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed,
purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed
off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any
of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they
hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,
"Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

_______________________________________

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the
parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the
parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you
bitch!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still
no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's
approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch,
or I'll give you a slap."

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown
out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a
lippy bastard!"

_______________________________________

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a
cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over
a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban
came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um
you one wish."

And I said, "No shit."

_______________________________________

The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and
adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told
her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until
then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a woman!"


_______________________________________

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for
his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives
off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a
proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities:
#1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
#2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true,
and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.

______________________________________

One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he
was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He
stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet
masturbating.
The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in
there and that he should save it for marriage.
Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.
About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how
he was doing with his problem.
Jimmy replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!"

syd
03-16-2005, 12:03 PM
:haha:

joske
03-16-2005, 08:28 PM
:lol: thanks for the endless supply of jokes, Sol !!! I'd good rep u but I can't :rolleyes:

sol
03-17-2005, 09:56 AM
What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?

Wayne takes a shower after three periods.

______________________________________

American Way of Robbery

True Stories of Some of the Dumbest Crooks on Earth:

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a
cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

(Editor's Note 1: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos" ...)

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
"handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics
was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman
decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day
Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else*
can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back
to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While
it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in
the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the
money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal
a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.
The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons
decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*
walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house,
and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked
the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience
store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

______________________________________

There was a drunk man walking down the street turning
his car keys back and forth.
A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?"
The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw
it, it was on the end of these keys."
The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?"
The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"


______________________________________

*ring* *ring*
"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered
huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until
morning."

"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"

_______________________________________

Is everyone out in net land familiar with Sensormatic? They are the company
that make the large plastic clips that set off alarms when you exit a
department store. I used to work for a department store and the is what
we did.

Open up the clip and remove the shiny piece of paper. It is about an inch
long and about half an inch wide. This is the "thingy" (that is the technical
word for it) that sets off the alarm. This "thingy" is easy to insert into
a pen case, lining of a jacket ...

We did this to a co worker and needless to say, he had problems wearing a
particular jacket to work.
_______________________________________

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where
they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting
time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He
quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly
line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they
started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down
because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to
find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part
but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination
showed that she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in
the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his
laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll
Two----Test----Tickles."

joske
03-17-2005, 11:40 AM
:lol:

tall_one
03-17-2005, 11:40 PM
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

sol
03-18-2005, 10:17 AM
Why do elephants have 4 feet?

-Because 4 inches isn't enough.

_______________________________________

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he
said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"
"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis
courts, everything"
"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a
stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."

_______________________________________

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's
gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back
up there, it'll grow some more!"

______________________________________

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit
that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the
heads."

_______________________________________

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.
On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and
begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and
drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and,
using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.
She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes
his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to
get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful
and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there
anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my
shirt?"

"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she
puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your
face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in
the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and
says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

tennischick
03-19-2005, 05:03 PM
good ones Sol :lol: :lol:

sol
03-20-2005, 12:18 PM
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the
refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to
see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room
with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-
D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so
Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly
having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom?
How do you spell 'zilla'?"

_______________________________________

scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien
Civilization...

Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the
Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star
system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the
list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within
one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive
enough hydrogen to power your civilization until
entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

_______________________________________

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I
would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the
pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy".
Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They"re packed with nutrients".
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next
day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so
on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the
top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into
the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out
of the tree.
Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.

_______________________________________

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has
to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One,
two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second
dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says,
"It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says,
"You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."

_______________________________________

Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a
divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge,
wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.

"Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time !"

_______________________________________

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure,
the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by
everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the
lobby.

The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?"

The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing
like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment,
an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed
a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch
the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again,
and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."

_______________________________________

Footless Parrot

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

______________________________________

In Montana, on the sight where Custer and his men had their asses handed
to them by the Sioux, a huge mural is to be painted. The artist insists on
complete secrecy.
When the mural is unveiled it shows an orgy of naked Indians screwing all
over the prairie, and in the center a cow with a halo. The artist says the
mural is a rendering of Custer's final thoughts - "Holy cow! Look at all
them fuckin' Indians!"

_______________________________________

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the
fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you
have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

_______________________________________
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops
for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door
saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits
down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of
nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he
drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in
with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender,
without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The
truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in
season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't
let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the
bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of
them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps
out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said,
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

sol
03-22-2005, 08:03 PM
How do you give a cowboy a hard-on?

Moooo-ooo-ooo

____________________________________

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was
delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned
and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician
examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be
corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the
doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need
for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor
asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs,
aren't you?"

______________________________________


Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates
of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a
long time for you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside. After
a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82.
I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

______________________________________

OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman
had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that
they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with
passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to
the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her
to clamp
down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go.

______________________________________

"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors offfice. "I
think I'm turning into a man" then the doctor says, " Now hold on
little lady what makes you think that you're turning into a man?" "
Well" said the woman "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest" and then
the doctor asked, " Well then, how far down your chest is your hair
growing? " and then she replied, "All the way down to my dick".

______________________________________

Lalitha
03-24-2005, 07:10 AM
sol, :haha:

sol
03-24-2005, 11:11 PM
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the
Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and
says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

______________________________________

Noah And Today's Ark


The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going
to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and
all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good
people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered
the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You
better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long
time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began
to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in
his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there
were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for
the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code.
So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into
a long argument with him about whether to include a
fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get
a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an
animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of
each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the
idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme
Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I
owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the
ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy
the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

______________________________________

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I
slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was
turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was
wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.


_____________________________________

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the
car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really
indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are
glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

______________________________________


A girl runs home to her mother crying, "I can't marry Joe! He's an
atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything! "Don't worry,
Honey," said her mom. "But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell! "Don't
worry, Honey," repeated her mom, "you marry him...and we'll convince him!"



______________________________________


Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated
our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and
supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue.
He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every
time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong
and begs me to forgive him.
This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.
I don't know what to do.

Signed
Frustrated

______________________________________

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed
to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in
my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more
question."
"What is it son."
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

sol
03-26-2005, 01:16 AM
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,
then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok.
I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes later
another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but
two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped
him:"What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's a
party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!"
the whiskey replied.
And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"

_____________________________________

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes
home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.
The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where
my husband put his hand last night?"
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead
of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

______________________________________

A man took his wife to the doctors.
After a short examination the doctor said
"Your wife's mind has completely gone!"
To which the man replied "I'm not surprised.
She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

______________________________________

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich
Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.
"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"
"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."
"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"

______________________________________

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets
himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my
honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took
four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and
wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on
their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever
saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these
breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at
this, it's still in the CRATE !"


_____________________________________

There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Farrari F-50 and he
was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a
mopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the
guy if he could ake a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting
out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said.
"oh, around 175-200. Want to see?" Of couse the boy nodded and waited
for the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed. As
he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and
then flew right past him. 'no! it couldnt be the boy on the mopehead could it?"
He asked to himself. Then the light came flying back and went way behind
him. The guy then ralized that it indeed WAS the boy on the mopehead. Then
the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to catch up
with the boy to find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in
a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and siad.."Would you mind taking
my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"

______________________________________

If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that
there is an exception to every rule.
If we accept "For every rule there is an exception" as a rule, then we
must concede that there may not be an exception after all, since the rule
states that there is always the possibility of exception, and if we follow
it to its logical end we must agree that there can be an exception to
the rule that for every rule there is an exception.

NATAS81
03-26-2005, 04:06 AM
Hey! I heard Safin was gonna show up with his head today!

sol
03-26-2005, 10:22 PM
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training.
____________________________________________

Hiram answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room
doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and
I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost
all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator
the rest of her life."

Hiram says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

______________________________________

This reminds me of a similar stunt we used to enjoy at the dining hall
in my undergrad days. The food service used opaque plastic salt and
pepper shakers with pop-off tops that could be pried off with a knife
blade if you were persistent enough.

PREPARATION (in a restroom nearby): (1) Empty salt ( or pepper) from a
previously 'acquired' container and fill about 1/3 full with
concentrated lemon juice. (2) Place a thin tissue across the opening,
poke it down a bit to form a depression, and fill the depression with
about a teaspoon of baking soda. (3) Cover (from the inside) the
holes of the top with tape of the appropriate color. (4) Replace top
on container and trim visible tissue from around the top.

Carry the device to dining hall (upright and as stable as is
possible... for your own sake).

After discretely placing the shaker on your table (only place it near
to you... see caveat \#1 below), observe the next person to use the
salt (pepper). (S)He will shake lightly at first, then harder as
nothing comes out. Due to the breakdown of the tissue and the pressure
resulting from the classic acid/base reaction, the top will pop off
(quite spectacularly) amidst a shower of foam. Your victim (as will as
everyone around) should have quite a reaction, since one does not
usually observe this type of behavior in a salt (pepper) shaker!

CAVEATS: 1. The top will come off with some force. If the holes are
sealed well, this will happen on about the second or third shake.
Once, though, due to poor sealing, it took about 5 seconds, during
which time our victim started looking at the shaker to examine the
"foamy stuff coming out" of the holes... we quickly grabbed the shaker
from her to direct the top towards the ceiling before it went off. So,
watch carefully!

2. The "foam shower" (lemon juice \& soda) may ruin you victim meal...
be prepared to pop for another one.

3. Don't do this if your victim or anyone near ground zero is dressed
up (this joke will flop at board meetings and the like).

______________________________________

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the
night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young
mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door,
the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of
relief. "My husband just found another one."

_______________________________________

A Guide to Love and Sex for Virgins



As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many
questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and
frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains
everything you've ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a
different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act
and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give
you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's
right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and
lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a
man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow
"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I
recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly
reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,
then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you
try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's
up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach
men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice
with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable
experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort
of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his
wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe
him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll
soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
matters.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since
they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a
natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol
and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left
out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making
him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone
to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust experienced
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by
going out and buying him an expensive gift.

______________________________________

Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local
minister comes walking around the corner.
The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that
sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"
The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I
tried to mount her!

Éowyn
03-28-2005, 02:35 AM
my mate emailed me this thought you guys may like it


What men would do if they had a vagina for the day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynacologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

sol
03-28-2005, 10:31 AM
Life Insurance Agent:
Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and if you
wake up in the morning, let me know what you think.

_______________________________________

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and
said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his
friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
close to being a turd."

_______________________________________

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The
second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the
first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and
trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding
her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy
laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I
was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It
blew my neighbor's house apart!"

_______________________________________

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's
got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says,
"What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the
sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in
the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto
the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you
got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a
Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.
It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

_______________________________________

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The
second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the
first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and
trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding
her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy
laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I
was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It
blew my neighbor's house apart!"

_______________________________________

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The
second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the
first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and
trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding
her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy
laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I
was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It
blew my neighbor's house apart!"

_______________________________________

Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently
divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question
to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.

He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she
wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.
The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.
Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask
and to not ask that question again. He went away.

A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked
what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told
her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her
driver's license.

He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy
divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."

______________________________________

Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Farmer: This dog don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: Doin alright
Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
Dog: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Farmer: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Farmer: Horses don't talk!
Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin?
Horse: Cool.
Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock)
Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
Horse: Yep.
Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements.
Farmer: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them
sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!

_______________________________________

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously
really angry . He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced
down on a stool muttering, "Asshole attorneys".
The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying "I want you to know I
highly resent that remark".
"Why, are you an attorney?"
"No, I'm an asshole."

_______________________________________

Did you here what Monica Lewinskys' mother said when she brought home her
dress?
What,doesn't the White House have any club soda?

_______________________________________

One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch.

The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers.
That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."

The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?"

______________________________________

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."

sol
03-29-2005, 09:44 AM
A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert
never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on
vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them
all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed.
The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great
escapades. "And on the third day..." he began. "No! no! start with the
first day," Everyone yells out in chorus. "And on the third day, " the
private continues " she asked me to stop so she could go to the
bathroom..."

______________________________________

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small
boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to
reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to
the boys position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,
placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the
doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

_______________________________________

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."

_______________________________________

Whats the difference between pink and purple?


Your grip.
_______________________________________


A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's
gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back
up there, it'll grow some more!"

_______________________________________

In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or
legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and
asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.

"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs"
says his mother.

"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a
sandbag."

________________________________________


Buckwheat Lets the Cat Outta the Bag
One day the little rascals were sitting in school. The teacher walked
in, and said, "good
morning class. Today we are going to play word games. I'm going to
give you a word and
I want you to put it in a sentence for me." She said "Spanky you're
first. Your word is
football." Spanky stood up and proudly said " I threw the football,"
and sat down.
The teacher said "very good Spanky." Then the teacher said, "Darla,
you're next. Your
word is pretty." Darla stood up and said, " I think I'm very pretty!"
Then she sat down.
Then the teacher called on Buckwheat. She said, "Buckwheat, you're
next. Your word is
dictate." Buckwheat stood up looked at Arial, and said, "Hey Darla!
How'd my dic tate las
nigh?

________________________________________

One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the
road when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them.
One of the men
turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night
with her." To their
surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll
take you up on
that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his
companion 'good
night', he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight
to bed. The following
morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her
money."If you
don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed,
saying, "I'd like to see
you get it on those grounds!" The next day,he was surprised to receive
a summons
ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed
to his atorney and
explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, "She can't
possibly get a judgment
against you on such grounds, but it would interesting to see how her
case will be
presented." After the usual preliminaries, her lawyer addressed the
court as follows:-
Your honor, my client this lady here is the owner of a fine piece of
property, a garden spot
surrounded by a profuse of luscious shrubbery, which she agreed to
rent to the Defendant
for a specified length of time, for an agreed upon sum of $50. The
Defendant took
possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for
which it was rented, but
upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $25; half the agreed
amount. The rent was by
no means excessive, even though it was restricted property, and we ask
Judgment be
granted against Defendant to ensure payment of the balance.The
Defendant's lawyer was
impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case.
His defense was,
therefore, somewhat altered from the way he had originally planned to
present it.
Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of
property,that he did rent
such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from
the transaction.
However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed
his stones,
erected a pump, and sunk a shaft, all labor being performed by him
personally. We claim
these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the
unpaid amount and that the
plaintiff was more than adequately satisfied and compensated for the
rental of the said
property. We therefore ask Judgment not be granted.
The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this:- Your Honor, my client
agrees that the
Defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make
improvements such as my
opponent has described. However had the Defendant not known the well
existed, he would
not have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the
Defendant removed
his stones, pulled out his shaft and took the pump with him. In so
doing, he not only
dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, leaving my client to do
the cleaning up, but
he left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, thus
making it very easily
accessible to little children. We therefore ask that Judgment be
granted.
SHE GOT IT!

sol
03-31-2005, 09:50 AM
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.

REPORTER:

Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering
material for a documentary about the way of life in the
remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?

SCOTSMAN:

Certainly...

REPORTER:

Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?

SCOTSMAN:

Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round
here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't.

You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I
built more than half of them myself, but do they call me
Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't.

And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
they don't.

But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....

pixiedreamer
03-31-2005, 10:27 AM
Becoming a woman

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey.
When she found Joey she told him what was happeing, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was.

Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!"

sol
03-31-2005, 11:57 PM
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,
were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves
standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that
Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to
limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of
you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot
answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,
then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most
comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap
of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated
formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,
another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The
mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was
correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a
chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes
on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat
on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he
asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from
the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And
the idiot went to Heaven.

______________________________________

Three guys are discussing women.
"I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."
He asks the third guy "What about you?".
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

______________________________________

Billy was 14 and just started jerkin off. He loved to jerk off. However, one day, his dad walked in on him while he was jerkin off! Billy was so embarrassed. He pulled up his pants as quick as he could. But, his dad already seen him.
"Billy," said his dad, "doing that will make you go blind"
"Dad," he replied, "I'm over here!"

______________________________________

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He
goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see
what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made
you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

______________________________________

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as
they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed
detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and
was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I
was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of
other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did
*I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

______________________________________

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,
then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok.
I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes later
another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but
two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped
him:"What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's a
party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!"
the whiskey replied.
And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"

NATAS81
04-05-2005, 09:35 PM
What did the Tomato say to the Spaghetti stick?

Don't get saucy with me.

sol
04-07-2005, 11:12 AM
A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts
****** her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you
going to tell the other Sisters now?"
"I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground,
and ***** me twice....unless you're tired." she responded.

_______________________________________

This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windows
in the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up this
ladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing no
knickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for a
second or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayed
looking.
"What are you looking at" she said.
"I'm looking at the moon" he said.
"Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it" she
said.
_______________________________________

"Kiss me," said the young lady urgently. "Please kiss me."
But the young man turned his head away, saying, "Of course not.
How can I? I'm your own brother-in-law. Hell, we shouldn't
even be lying here making love."

_______________________________________

A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts
****** her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you
going to tell the other Sisters now?"
"I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground,
and ***** me twice....unless you're tired." she responded.

_______________________________________

One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As
they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and
turns around. He says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo,
I did not shit my pants." He believes him and they keep riding. As they go
on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo
stops his horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did
not shit your pants?" Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my
pants." He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be
unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets
of his horse. He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your
pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?" Paco replies
"I thought you meant today!"

_______________________________________

What makes a man think he's so great ?
1) He has a belly button that won't work.
2) He has tits that won't give milk.
3) He has a cock that won't crow.
4) He has balls that won't roll.
5) He has an ass that won't carry a thing.

______________________________________

A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park.

The witness: They were fucking your honor The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way:
The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear Until tiny sounds came to my ear There was this couple on the ground there and his balls were dangling in the air and you know his what was in her you know where If that wasn't fucking your Honor I wasn't there

_______________________________________

Out All Night Drinking

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls
home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

_______________________________________

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!"and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!"

tennischick
04-08-2005, 03:57 AM
This is hilarious but in all seriousness this may become reality one day if governments go on with taking extreme security measures.....Pretty soon there will be a "no privacy act" in place!

ORDERING PIZZA IN 2010

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut Incorporated. May I have your National ID Number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@##%#^^&$%^$ !!!!

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see herein September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility.

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut Incorporated.

;) ;)

sol
04-08-2005, 11:19 AM
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night time
excersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump
School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."
I asked, "What's the diffrence??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

_______________________________________

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the
weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest
explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few
paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What
landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the
circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,
except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest
and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money
into the air and what god wants, god takes."

_______________________________________

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

1. No mind
2. No business.

______________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

_______________________________________

A little girl asks her father, "where do little girls come from?"
The father says, "they come from a hard-on."
The little girl then asks her father, "where does a hard-on come from?"
The father says, "little girls!"


_______________________________________

What do you call a blonde lesbian?

A waste.
_______________________________________

Politically Correct

Little Red Riding Hood



There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived
on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to
study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have
thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,
although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and
mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn
to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all
womyn were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending
a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical
womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a
feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on
cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded
the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples
would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid
lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what
was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and
chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture
of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but
I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society,
the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely
valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to
linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's
house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of
his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your
role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't
give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction
appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed
Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see
her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You
must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let
you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own
abilities,
which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college
entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This
is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding
Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his
firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"
_______________________________________

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we
saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was
good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She
said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I
was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word
'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there
was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
are so big she can only fasten 8."

_______________________________________


I can't resist a few:

1. Once you have stolen a dormmate's room keys, the room is yours to
plunder. As a variation, steal the dorm keys but reverse the lock
(so the keyhole faces INTO the room); we had a mechanical engineer
who got this down to about 20 seconds. Then loudly announce to the
victim you own the keys, but "let" them win the race back to their
room. PRESTO! Locked inside their own room (with no keys). If
you've fixed the phone to continually ring, they get very pliable
after about 10 minutes.

2. We connected our secretary's electric typewriter to a variac (can
vary the line voltage). At about 40-50 volts (out of the 110)
the little ball makes three or four jerky attempts before finally
striking a faint imprint. Fairly pathetic looking, actually.

3. Reverse the horizontal yoke leads on terminals (so the text comes
out backwards from right to left). This works best on a software
team who thinks they have just released the firmware for screen
drivers. Besides, hardware people figure it out too quickly.

4. Hand lotion inside of an air hose on the final assembly line is
effective, but very vindictive. Use with caution (now, I'm not
saying I ever did this, but I "saw" it done once :-)

And the standard saran wrap across women's toilets, Karo syrup, flour in
the shower, water-filled surgical tubing jammed in a drawer....ah, for
the good old days!!

sol
04-09-2005, 03:02 PM
Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo?

They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.

_______________________________________

A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly
he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him.
He stops, bangs on the window and says,"So, what does this cost ??!!".
And the hooker replies,"25 dollars !!".
And the Pollock said ,"Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulated
windows !!".

_______________________________________

What do Arabs do on saturday night?

They sit under palm trees and eat their dates.

_______________________________________

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?

The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

_______________________________________

This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped
and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the
hell is your problem?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a
bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached
over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop
worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to
six inches deeper."

_______________________________________

If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites off my roosters feet, what do you have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass.

_______________________________________

Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way
to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The
director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his
desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your
loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room
on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."
The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You
fail."

The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy
picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes
later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it.
The director says, "You fail."

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room.
The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass
breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up
and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?"
Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in
the gun so I had to choke the bitch to death."

_______________________________________

A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...the
bartender looks up and says " where the hell did you get that thing?
The Parrot replies " Over in Africa, there's millions of them " !!!!

_______________________________________

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to
the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was
being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this
kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said
to her papal neighbour. 'Father, surely you can
do something about this...'
To which the Pope replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in
sales, not management.'

_______________________________________

Valentine's Day Story

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform,
and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central
Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he
didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen
months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he
found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the
notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a
thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he
discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time
and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He
wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond.
The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.
During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other
through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A
romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she
refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she
looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe,
they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central
Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red
rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station
looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never
seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was
coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back
in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her
lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she
was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely
forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a
small provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she
murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and
then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the
girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn
hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into
low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away.
I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow
her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had
truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale,
plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and
kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn
blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This
would not be love, but it would be something precious, something
perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and
must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out
the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the
bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and
you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me. May I take
you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I
don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady
in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on
my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go
and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across
the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to
understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom.
The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the
unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will
tell you who you are."

_______________________________________

Congress does some strange things. it puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

________________________________________

There is no tax on brains; the take would be too small.

The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.

sol
04-11-2005, 11:14 AM
Definition:
Politics Poli (Poly): Many.... Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures

_______________________________________

What do you see when the pillsbary dough boy bends over?

Doughnuts

_______________________________________

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we
saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was
good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She
said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I
was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word
'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there
was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
are so big she can only fasten 8."

_______________________________________

A young couple from the country honeymooned at a really fancy
ocean-side resort. because they knew it would be expensive, they had
planned to limit their stay to just the weekend, but were just unable
to leave, enjoying themselves and each other so much, and extended
their stay another day. Upon checking out, the desk clerk said,
"That'll be an additional $150 apiece."

"Good God man !!!" cried the groom, totally shocked, "That's two
thousand two-hundred and fifty dollars !!! Are you crazy ???"

_______________________________________

How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?

Who cares?

_______________________________________

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I
seen you somewhere before?"
"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D.
clinic."

_______________________________________

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several
bystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the
victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he
barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' The women watched for a few
minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when
you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'

________________________________________

Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?
Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.

sol
04-11-2005, 11:28 AM
A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their
hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says,
"Can I help? Have you lost something?"
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on
an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

_______________________________________

Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team.
"It's fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and
weave through your opponents."
Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out, "I suppose it all
comes from early training, sir. You see, my mom used to take me
shopping with her on sale days."

_______________________________________

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a
robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to
the bartender,
"This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids!
I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and
says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!"
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited,
he drops the gun.
The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back
to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends
might walk in!"

_______________________________________

Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrested
at the airport for drug smuggling?

It seems she bent over and someone saw fifty
pounds of crack....

_______________________________________

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag
at you, what have you done wrong?

A: Made her chain too long.

______________________________________

SAT score decay


As we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years.
The following may be the reason why.

A math problem in the 60's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of porduction is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70's using New Math
A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?

A math problem in the 80's
A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education.
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)

_______________________________________

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I
just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the
mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care...Just get the f**k out!"

sol
04-11-2005, 02:52 PM
Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." !
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

sol
04-12-2005, 11:24 AM
Two gay men were in bed fooling around when all of a
sudden the door bell rings. The first gay man tells
the second, "Don't cum until I come back", and he
rushes off to answer the door.
After a few minutes, he eagerly returns to the bedroom
only to find cum was all over the bed and sheets. He
says to the second gay man, "I thought you wasn't going
to cum until I came back. The second gay man says to the
first, "I didn't cum, ........I farted!

_______________________________________

Mirror, mirror

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to
enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has
happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on
the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright
flash and both his legs fall off.

_______________________________________

Embarrassing moments The following are the top three
winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.

1)"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*,
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I
will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
* Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
2)"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after
making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we
didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When
we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a
whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts,
uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there!
My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment
for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again." * Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
3)A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had
no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON
LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at
the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

_______________________________________

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas
Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off
so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand
of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to
look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"
"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon
another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How
about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".
This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and
hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take
home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

_______________________________________

A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money.
On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five
fingers.
"Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?"
"No", says the old fellow, "it means that you can pick one out."

_______________________________________

Do you know why single women can't fart?

Because, they don't get assholes untill they get married.

_______________________________________

Q: How can you tell a blonde has been working on the
computer?

A: There is white out on the screen

______________________________________

What is the first symptom of AIDs?

A hard, deep, pounding sensation in your ass.

______________________________________

The first Jewish woman President is elected.
She calls her Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections,
you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"
"But I only eat kosher food"
"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come mama"
"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court
Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman
on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?"
..."Her brother's a doctor!"

joske
04-12-2005, 09:03 PM
:lol: keep 'em coming, Sol :yeah:

jackieglover
04-13-2005, 03:40 AM
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I
just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the
mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care...Just get the f**k out!"

:haha:

tinuviel_estel
04-13-2005, 03:43 AM
it's long but some of the warning are really funny :lol: :lol:

Wackiest Warning Labels Ever

1.Warning on a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product."

2.On a snow sled: "Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions." ·

3.On a 12-inch-high storage rack for compact discs: "Do not use as a ladder."

4.A 5-inch fishing lure with three nasty steel hooks advises it is "Harmful if swallowed." Too bad fish can't read!

5.A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions, "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." ·

6.A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user: "Remove child before folding." ·

7.A bottle of prescription sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness." ·

8.A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

9.A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."

10.An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." ·

11.A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious."

12.A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."
13.A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."

14.A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn." ·

15.A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."

16.A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use."
17.A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place." ·

18.A bathroom heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." .

19.A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes." .

20.A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." .

21.A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution: Risk of Fire."

22.A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity." ·

23."Do not use snow blower on the roof." ·

24."Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."

tinuviel_estel
04-13-2005, 04:45 AM
ooppss. sorry guys :awww: i forgot the thread is for original jokes.

sol
04-13-2005, 11:23 AM
ooppss. sorry guys :awww: i forgot the thread is for original jokes.


Not only for "original jokes" :hug:

Great joke (btw) :lol:

sol
04-14-2005, 11:05 AM
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took
$300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "You can't
make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the
side!"

_______________________________________

What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Cardiff (Wales)?
A leisure centre.

_______________________________________

What do you call a blonde lesbian?

A waste

_______________________________________

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

_______________________________________

A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken
apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?"
replied by his mother The young boy answered " The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off
his secretary."

_______________________________________

Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close his casket.

_______________________________________

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes
home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.
The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where
my husband put his hand last night?"
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead
of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

_______________________________________

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to
find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells
her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get
your leg up so high?"

______________________________________

Q: What was the last thing to go through Cobain's mind?
A: The roof of his mouth.

_______________________________________

A Duck walks into a bar.

Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread
[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!
[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any
F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail
your F*****g bill to this bar.
.....
............
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?

sol
04-15-2005, 11:07 AM
Two GI's in the Vietnam war have been stuck in a trench

for three days when one needs a shit.

"I can't go in here" he says" It's really going to stink"

"There's another trench over there" says the other.

"I'll cover you with the M60.... just give me a shout and

and i'll cover you so you can get back"

"OK" so the GI runs across while the other fires off the

machine gun.

He's waiting 10 minutes......15.......20....

he shouts out "Are you Ok?".....nothing.



Over an hour later he hears his mate shouting.

"Cover me i`m coming back"

When he jumps back in, his mate says "Where the fuck have

you been? you've been gone for over an hour"

"Yeah, I know. There's a girl in there, I played with her

tits,fondled her arse,turned her round and fucked her from

behind!"

"It was great!"

"You lucky Bastard" said the other "did you get a blow job?"

"nah" said the other,disappointedly" she didn't have a head"

_______________________________________

married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.


_______________________________________

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to
be confronted by his
teacher.
Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday."
Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?"
Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you
know.

______________________________________

Q: Daddy, daddy, what's a pervert?
A: Shut up, son, and keep sucking!

______________________________________

Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?

A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

_______________________________________

The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man's oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked "How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that?"
The old man whispered back, "Easy. I told her I was 90!"

_______________________________________

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on
her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a
couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

_______________________________________

If men had PMS, what would happen?

a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent
disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

_______________________________________

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional
man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only
because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee
Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off
a flag pole.

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra
lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss
and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience
together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their
parents.
What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every
fault and make their life a living hell.

1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....I
hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart
and soul, I am forever yours."

5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."

10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"

15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"

16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned
to divorce proceedings..."

_______________________________________

DRINKING SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent
light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

_______________________________________

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he
then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here
for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's
office."


_______________________________________

Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her
weight-watchers meeting ."My husband insists I come to these
meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim
figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.

"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"

"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

sol
04-16-2005, 03:11 PM
A little kid comes running into the backyard.

He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"

"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."

_______________________________________

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to
their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I
want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good
idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some
Dramamine."

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the
clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine,
please."

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a
question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

_______________________________________

Why do they call it PMS?

Mad Cow disease was already taken.

_______________________________________

A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was
starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while
there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to
make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered," You know, I've
got and itchy pussy...."

The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all
those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

_______________________________________

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is
frowning and looking put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"I guess we answered that question."

______________________________________

What are 3 problems about being an egg?

You only get laid once, the only woman to sit on your face is your mother, and it takes 4 minutes to get hard.

_______________________________________

How is pubic hair like parsley?

You push it to the side before you start eating.

_______________________________________

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England
stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more
assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and
told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would
have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had
cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my
washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

sol
04-18-2005, 12:32 AM
How do you know if your secretary is having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil
_______________________________________

What is the last thing Jesus Christ said to the Teamsters?

"Don't do anything 'till I get back."

______________________________________

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son
riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the
money for the bike? It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone,
Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see
Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

______________________________________

A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a
bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and
sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and
he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work,
opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a
bus!"

_______________________________________

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

sol
04-18-2005, 11:22 AM
Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
______________________________________

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.
Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.
Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He
looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in
his life.
Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons,
and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man
climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman
slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any
means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
success, "she says.
Again, the man elects to continue his climb.
Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually
attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or
climb the ladder to success."
Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as
he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.
A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his
life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex
with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is
*very* tempted.
But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to
climb higher.
On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in
his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our
climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at
him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.

_______________________________________

The Hotel Odeon in Paris is offering tourists a 'Diana Tour' - a
personal reenactment of Princess Diana's last night alive. For
$50 extra you can enjoy the "Land Mind Obstacle Course".

_______________________________________

Father: Did Paul bring you home last night?
Daughter: Yes, it was late. Daddy. Did the noise disturb you?
Father: No, My Dear, it wasn't the noise. It was the silence.

______________________________________

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of
the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as
far away from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one
day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big,
bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles
over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I
can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some
fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with
people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these
parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been
alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I
wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be
the two of us."

_______________________________________

There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunken
driving. They let him go, though. He was already an hour
late for an operation.

_______________________________________

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about
to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and
bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast
beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals
on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded
because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a
sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the
color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair
of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when
she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

_______________________________________

Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz?

1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.

2. Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears ..." (2 words)

3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words)

4. What do M&Ms do?

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?

6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew
him as ... (2 words)

7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ..." (7 words)

8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's
best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)

9. "M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ..." (5 words)

10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?

11. "Brylcream: ..." (6 words)

12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)

13. "I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ..." (6 words)

14. "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words)

15. Where have all the flowers gone?

16. Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a
great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for
truth, justice, and ..." (3 words)

17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the
greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial
wearing women's pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname!

18. "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong
to the finish ..." (5 words)

19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?

20. In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised
about his future and told to consider one thing. What?

21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor,
announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, "Just
think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2 words)
And he lied!

22. "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood
six feet six, weighed 245 pounds, kinda broad at the shoulder
and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no
lip to ..." (2 words)

23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)

24. "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words)

25. "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words)

26. "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!

27. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star
today! Smile! ..." (4 words)
.
.
.
.
.
Answers:

1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr
(Richard Starkey)
2. Oh, my!
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder bread
6. Casius Clay
7. "when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent"
8. Maynard G. Crebbs
9. "... why, because we like you."
10. nothing but a smile!
11. "a little dab will do ya."
12. over 30!
13. "...who wrote the book of love"
14. "absolutely nothing!"
15. "long time passing"
16. "the American way"
17. "Joe Nameth", aka "Broadway Joe", aka "Joe Willie".
18. "...'cause I eats me spinach."
19. Mary Martin.
20. "Plastic"
21. Dick Nixon.
22. "Big John"
23. on blueberry hill.
24. "...wherever you are."
25. "Good night, David."
26. "...pants on fire."
27. "You're on Candid Camera."

tall_one
04-19-2005, 01:01 PM
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

sol
04-19-2005, 04:27 PM
:lol: Nicki

Welcome back, to this thread! :hug:

________________________________________

Why did God create man first?

So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

_______________________________________

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck

_______________________________________

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a
condom about to give his wife some.
Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,
"Whatcha doin' Daddy?"
Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the
floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says.
Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"

_______________________________________

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the
mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts
of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

_______________________________________

There was a drunk man walking down the street turning
his car keys back and forth.
A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?"
The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw
it, it was on the end of these keys."
The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?"
The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"

_______________________________________

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

_______________________________________

Consider the following:
Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend in a
crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart,
I need a new G string!"

_______________________________________

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That
evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12
point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked, noticing
that Sam had returned alone.

"He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left
him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."

_______________________________________

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort
in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy
their two week vacation/honeymoon.

The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi
Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once
inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"

The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm
going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."

sol
04-20-2005, 11:34 AM
Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his
hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his
money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber
shop. The barber finishes and comes back.
As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's...it's
none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your
barber shop?"
The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?"
The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes
back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there
taking a shit on the floor.
The barber says, "What are you doing?"
Cronin says, "Well, fuck, I'm leaving now."

_______________________________________

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.

_______________________________________

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even
looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour,
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

_______________________________________

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate
demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his
young bride.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract,"
snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife
isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect
exclusive drillin' rights!

_______________________________________

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm
but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back
to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws
the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car
forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow
again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to
the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I
think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches over the width of
the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And
the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes to pick up a chick.
_______________________________________

There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest cities was totally destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy. With that many people of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to interview everyone. The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a large cheer went up, and there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line were curious about what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the front of the line, "what's going on?" Someone called back "They ain't gonna count fucking."

sol
04-21-2005, 02:40 PM
Once some boys got together to play poker one
night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had
severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one
of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor,
examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim
had died of a heart attack.
All his friends didn't know how to break the news
to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be
diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'.
Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his
wife answered the door, he calmly said to her:
'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!'
When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to
just drop dead!'
Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.

_______________________________________

What do you call foreplay in Alabama?


'Hey sis, you awake?'

______________________________________

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

______________________________________

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone
rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When
he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good
news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time
like this?"

_______________________________________

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw ? He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day. He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day. The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was. The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

______________________________________

What would you rather be, a light bulb or a bowling ball?

Depends on whether you'd rather be screwed of fingered.

_______________________________________

There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up
and the guy thew the comdom out the window. His girlfriend got
mad at him she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car
and went to find the condom.
He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for
it back the boy refused. "C'mon" he begged, "I'll give u a dollar."
"Well," little boy thought, "Okay."

So the little boy ran home. "Mom, you'll never guess what just
what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I
tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!"

sol
04-22-2005, 10:41 AM
Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?

It's for the Christmas period.

______________________________________

Q: What do Kodak cameras have in common with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.

______________________________________

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to
his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to
say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?

______________________________________

La Machine.
...vegetables...vvrrrrr...
La Machine.
...fruits...vvrrrrr...
La Machine.
...little children...No mommy, No!...vvrrrrr...
La Machine.

_______________________________________

TOP10.Subject: Gullibility Virus alert (fwd)
************************************************** **************
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading
over the Internet!
************************************************** **************
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are
becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without
question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows
up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is
called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly
hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and
get-rich-quick schemes.
"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are
otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told
to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same
people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe
anything they read on the Internet.
"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported
one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child
story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are
anonymous." Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first
heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After
all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I
thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said,
before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state,
"My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is
spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
virus, which include the following:
The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking;
The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others;
A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is
true.
D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter,
"I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos
makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told
about the Gullibility Virus, D.S. said he would stop reading email, so
that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet
users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item
tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall
tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet
community.
Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is
online help from many sources, including
2]Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability
3]Symantec Anti Virus Research Center
4]McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List
5]Dr. Solomons Hoax Page
6]The Urban Legends Web Site
7]Urban Legends Reference Pages
8]Datafellows Hoax Warnings
Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves
against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on
evaluating sources, such as
Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm Evaluation of
Information Sources at http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm
Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM
Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who
forwards them a hoax.
************************************************** **************
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it
to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This
is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This
story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so
important, we're using lots of exclamation points! For every message
you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly
Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home
will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're
obviously thinking too much.)
************************************************** **************

______________________________________

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

_______________________________________

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh
Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. "For
Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the
GUNS!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up
the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote to
his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His
son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

_______________________________________

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook
saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner he
cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and
ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the
cooking..." "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

sol
04-29-2005, 11:35 AM
How do you piss your girlfriend of when your having sex?

Call her up

_______________________________________

Version 2:

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her
bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter
playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get
married, so this is pretty much my husband."

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and
upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What
the hell are you doing?!" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and
ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to
a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in
one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football
game.

"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a
beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

_______________________________________

Why did the cactus cross the road?
It was stuck to the dumb chicken

_______________________________________

Q. Whats long, hard and full of semen??

A. A submarine.

_______________________________________

How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet?

They were both dating the same girl in high school.

________________________________________

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

______________________________________

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked
his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.

She said, "I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the
one who wears the pants in the family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.

"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.

"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your
attitude." she said and smiled.

_______________________________________

Two very hot-headed people lived directly across the halls from each
other. Dave got a piece of 1/2" rope and tied their doors together with
about a 6" gap of slack. Waited until 2:30am and knocked REALLY HARD on
both doors.

Interesting way to wake up...having two steaming mad football jerks
slamming each other's doors open and shut. The Resident Advisor was NOT
pleased :-)

_______________________________________

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned
his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out
of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about
the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are
what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation,
"you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you
seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an
intelligent conversation."

sol
04-30-2005, 03:24 PM
There was this boy in high school that was what you would
consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement
of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look
what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of
soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked
his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then
dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his
dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told
him that he had something to show him. They went to the front
yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is
from your mother."

_______________________________________

A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman,
"cor! I've just had my first blow-job and it was great! -- I'll have a
large whiskey please, barman." The man takes his whiskey and downs it.
"Same again?" asks the barman. "Okay" says the man and downs the second.
He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both.In fact in total
he downs 27 whiskeys. "Do you want another?" asks the barman. "No I don't
think so", says the man, "If 27 whiskeys won't take away the taste
I don't think that another one will!"

_______________________________________

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a
woman gain five pounds.

______________________________________

Q: How do you pick up TWA flight attendants?
A: With a fishing pole!

______________________________________

Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.

Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

_______________________________________

A guy was in a bar, and asked for some milk. So in turn a pregnant topless dancer got on the bar and squeezed the milk out of her tits. He looked at this and said to himself, "I would hate to see how they give out bloody Mary’s."

_______________________________________

DRINKING SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent
light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

_______________________________________

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."

sol
05-01-2005, 12:22 PM
Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave,
explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't
be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet
here!"

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet
here!"

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a
few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges,
followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where
he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into

the bar.

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."

______________________________________

Q. Why does Mary Lou Retton smile so much?
A. Because she found out what the big boys eat.

______________________________________

Did you know elephants have sex organs on their feet?



They step on you and you're screwed

_______________________________________

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad
news and good
news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and
will need help
eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

_______________________________________

How are a blonde's legs like cheese wiz?

They're both useless unless they're spread!

_______________________________________

What do you call someone who fucks kids in the ass?

A backdoor pedofile!

_______________________________________

What have a blonde and a computer got in common?

You don't realise how much you miss them until they go down on you!

_______________________________________

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to
his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to
say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?

_______________________________________

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that
shit?"

tall_one
05-01-2005, 06:07 PM
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

sol
05-02-2005, 11:15 AM
The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day
and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his
ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me!
My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"

Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you
can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never
been in a French Whorehouse!"

Then the fun began...
_______________________________________

Santa comes once a year - but when he does he fills your stocking!

_______________________________________

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that
shit?"

_______________________________________

Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon.

While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up
by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish
his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down
the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow
to help. After feeling the old man's pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the
club house and call 911.
Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the
call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby
bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith
in astonishment says, "Hey, What are you doing? I thought you were going to
give him CPR." Mike replies, "Well, it started off that way."

_______________________________________

For more ahem...adventerous types....

What is "71"?

"69" with two fingers up your ass.

_______________________________________

One day an older fella was in for a checkup.
After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the
greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"Did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were
25! How old was your father when he died?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from!
How long did your grandfather live?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"No! You can't mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think
a man would want to get married at that age!"

"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."

sol
05-03-2005, 10:55 AM
A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't
sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that
I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I
do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."

_______________________________________

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
penis erect, can you
help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well
the problem is that the
muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really
nothing I can do for
you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks
sadly, "And that
would be?" "Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the
muscles from the
trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks
about it silently then
says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex
again is too much,
let's go for it."
Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and
healing, returned to the Doc
for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack
"healed and ready
for action".
Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a
romantic evening for
his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town,
anticipating a happy
conclusion to the evening. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring
between his legs that
continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack
placed his napkin on
his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his
pants, flipped the
napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and
then returned to his
pants!
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the
possibilities, said with a sly
smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it
again?" Jack groaned,
"Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

_______________________________________

This guy and his girlfriend are fighting....she says "I'm breaking up
with you." "Why??"
he asks. She says "because you are a pedophile".
He says "Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10
year old."

________________________________________

Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After
knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes
there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on
earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana
but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I
guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that
against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I
lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK,
here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot,
but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period
of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all
hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to
freeze over."

_______________________________________

Technical Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist
among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconcious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums.

My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal had coverings,
were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon
the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a
cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise
source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
this fenestration, nothing thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said rival that of the solar meridian itself -
thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged
chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.

With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have
been more vertignious velocity than patriotic alar predators, he
vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by wary of the
smoke passage.

He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodius
cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal
appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.

His amusing sub and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common
loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like
small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly
between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes forming a
tenuous elllipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly.

His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly
mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in
short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian
gnome,
the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite
every effort to refrain from so being.

By rapidly lowering and than elevating one eyelid and rotating his
head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from the aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle.

Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt aboutface,
placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory
organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and
forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage.

He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance,
directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral
sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing
portions of a common weed.

But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to
his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide
to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly
pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.

______________________________________

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"
remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

sol
05-04-2005, 11:16 AM
Single Black Female

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).

_______________________________________

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

_______________________________________

Eel in his pants

One day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was.

"Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do.

The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened.

Little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot.

So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would.

Except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow.

It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.

She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.

All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel!

I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway!

He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.

After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"

Little jonny's mom fainted

______________________________________

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and
deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

_______________________________________

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?

-Toys for Twats.

_______________________________________

Two cab drivers met.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red
and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see
how all the witnesses contradict each other."

_______________________________________

How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager Style

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on
the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but
with deeper voices.

_______________________________________

What's the difference between condoms and coffins?

They both hold something stiff but one's coming and
one's going!

_______________________________________

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

_______________________________________

Shooting the Bull

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

sol
05-05-2005, 11:10 AM
Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your
name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find
better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer
the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating
it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my
personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour
hands!
___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten
up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying
to
kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___You still live with your parents.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrek
u
niforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in
a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really
necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
___________


_______________________________________

Microsoft Market Penetration
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 ! ! !

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft
has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It
believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in
penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation of life.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton
Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the
package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.
Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, for
professionals in the sexual services sector.

Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,
aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be
known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and
is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After
installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must
have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is
complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message,
"It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious
error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these
have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its
used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to
its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,
that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,
Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam).
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help our
customers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."

_______________________________________

Q: Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains?
A: So they push back harder.

_______________________________________

Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3
children.
The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and
there are only three
parachutes.
The doctor yells out, " Save the children"
The lawyer yells out "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"

______________________________________

This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would
spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house,
he was told that the only way he could play today was if he
was willing to play along with three nuns.
He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole
he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first.
He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.
"Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language
around us." said the nun.
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty
yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them.
"Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun.
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."


______________________________________

What does a camera and a condom have in common?

They both capture that magic moment.


______________________________________

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling
a little frisky,
reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and
says,"Mother, if this could give
milk, we could get rid of the cow." His hand then travels down to her
crotch, and he says,
"Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
His wife then reaches
over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could
get rid of your brother.

______________________________________

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the
habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."


______________________________________

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night
and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a
virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been
laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't
worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11
o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs
Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with
her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck
between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it
came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the
time of your life!!!"

elroyf
05-05-2005, 02:36 PM
Now let's here some good jokes ;) :p

Here a cheeky one:

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

sol
05-06-2005, 11:37 AM
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?

A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing

_______________________________________

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

_______________________________________

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she
has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the
sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wears panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys,
five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

_______________________________________

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex
life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half
way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure
wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it
were dark."

_______________________________________

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on
a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher
accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff
stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it
and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague
asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was
okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

_______________________________________

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?

Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

sol
05-08-2005, 01:55 AM
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of
the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,
horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to
Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a
proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his
head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The
Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality
of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider
going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,
"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

_______________________________________

The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to her
husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!"

Her husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

_______________________________________

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him
to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung
the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the
air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"

_______________________________________

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning
to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says.
"How much money did you spend this time?"
"$100," answers the man.
"$100!" she shouts.
"That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke,
you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."

_______________________________________

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got
any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry
goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same
question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any fresh fruit?"

_______________________________________

Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password.
It's her turn to guess the word.
Voice Over: And the password is. . . black dick!
Nancy: Um. . . is it a place?
Her partner: No.
Nancy: Is it a person?
Her partner: No.
Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something I might want to eat?
Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe.
Nancy: Is it black dick?

_______________________________________

How Smart Are You?
------------------
20 Correct - Genius
17 Correct - Above Normal
15 Correct - Normal
8 Correct - Nincompoop
6 Correct - Moron
3 Correct - Idiot
QUESTIONS
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister,
but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number
of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern
exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What
are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there
was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which
one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
****************** Answers ****************
1. Yes
2. One
3. All of them (12)
4. The beggar is her sister.
5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
6. 6
7. No - because he is dead.
8. They aren't playing each other.
9. 70
10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
11. 2
12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
13. The match.
14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
15. 1 Hour
16. 9
17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
18. Meat
19. 12
20. Same as it is now.

sol
05-08-2005, 01:08 PM
Why is a bride always smiling as she walks down the aisle at her wedding?

No more blowjobs.

_______________________________________



Today's Jokes | Archives | Lists | Random | Register | RandJoke on Your Page


This page is sponsored byReal Estate Websites - Design & SEO


Today's jokes [5.8.05]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


Why is a bride always smiling as she walks down the aisle at her wedding?

No more blowjobs.


1. Vote: Category: Marriage and Relationships Send this joke to a friend



How do you change a blonde's mind?

Blow in her ear.

_______________________________________

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care
of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you
people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

_______________________________________

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the
fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you
have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

_______________________________________

Q: What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
A: Einstein's dick.

_______________________________________

What do you call foreplay in Alabama?


'Hey sis, you awake?'

sol
05-09-2005, 11:22 AM
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed
little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

_______________________________________

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ?

"Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow !"


_______________________________________

This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks "Whats a failic symbol?
Doctor says "you're kidding.."
Girl says "no! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???"
Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says "You see? This is a
failic symbol!"
Girl says "Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller"

_______________________________________

Tombstone Epitaph
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.

______________________________________

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of
Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't
attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya
carry the flashlight."

_______________________________________

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not from New York" the boy replies.
"I'm visiting from Kentucky!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet".

mandoura
05-09-2005, 11:42 PM
Hope you like it.

sol
05-10-2005, 11:00 AM
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!

_______________________________________

Are YOU A HARD MAN?

1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?

a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.

2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?

a) Whisper back "I love you too".
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".


3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?

a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.

4/. If you break wind during the night do you?

a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.

5/. If she breaks wind do you?

a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.

6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the ****s.

7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and
she's in the bath. Do you?

a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the
shell". c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.

8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?

a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.

9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?

a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the ****, then get
pissed.

10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?

a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.

0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.
30. Congrats. You're one of the boys

______________________________________

An American woman and an Iranian woman are in the supermarket. The
Iranian woman
picks up two potatoes and says, "These remind me of my husband's
testicles." The
American woman says, "That big?" The Iranian woman says, No...that
dirty."


_______________________________________

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,
Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any
activities that might develop. A few days later,
he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No Fee.

______________________________________

Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters
will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

:aplot: http://csis.pace.edu/nsa/clasfile/moredo/chilis.gif

______________________________________

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor.
The other says, "I don't know, go ask him."
So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?"
The supervisor says "Intelligence".
Guido says "what is this intelligence?"
The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!"
Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says "That's intelligence".
Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."


CENTER]http://csis.pace.edu/nsa/clasfile/moredo/chilis.gif http://csis.pace.edu/nsa/clasfile/moredo/chilis.gif http://csis.pace.edu/nsa/clasfile/moredo/chilis.gif [/CENTER]

sol
05-11-2005, 11:06 AM
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and
announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas
baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby
that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some
weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty
pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

_______________________________________

On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him
sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible "What are
you doing?" asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," repied the lawyer.

_______________________________________

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and
announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas
baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender
recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby
that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some
weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty
pounds, didn't he? What happened?
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

_______________________________________

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after
her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The
mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each
word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation",
she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

_______________________________________

This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and
roomservice at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and
published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS : "Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!..Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter - just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,
crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey
sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "You're welcome"

Have a good day

_______________________________________

The FBI finally came back with the DNA results.

Clinton was a perfect match.
So was all of Arkansas.

buddyholly
05-11-2005, 12:39 PM
Sol, you should try for quality, not quantity. Most of your jokes are not worth reading. I think this is why nobody comes here anymore.

winston
05-11-2005, 02:06 PM
I wouldn't say nobody. For example, I usually read this thread. Well, OK, there are some boring or too long ones, but mostly it's good enough to be read once.

sol
05-11-2005, 02:52 PM
Sol, you should try for quality, not quantity. Most of your jokes are not worth reading. I think this is why nobody comes here anymore.

Sorry!. Thanks for the suggestion!

Angle Queen
05-11-2005, 05:05 PM
I read them everyday. Laugh at some, :shrug: at others, apprecitate them...all.

:hug:

mandoura
05-11-2005, 05:10 PM
Me too, well not everyday, but quite often. :hug:

mandoura
05-11-2005, 05:21 PM
Hope you like it.


http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y221/mandoura/Jokes/menopause.jpg

Angle Queen
05-11-2005, 05:23 PM
:haha: Mandoura. How true, how true.

sol
05-11-2005, 05:32 PM
:lol: Mandoura! :rolls:

I'll promise not to post those boring :yawn: jokes on here anymore..

I hope you like it :scared: :

http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2005/5/11/9_Chickweed_Lane.105.g.gif

http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2005/5/11/Agnes.71.g.gif


OK not more :tape: :ignore:
:bolt:

mandoura
05-12-2005, 12:25 AM
How To Shower Like a Woman

- Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower.

- Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

- Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

- Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

- Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint.

- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

- Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

- Rinse conditioner off hair.

- Shave armpits and legs.

- Turn! off shower.

- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

- Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

- Get out of shower.

- Dry with towel the size of a small country.

- Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.

- If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor

- Walk naked to the bathroom.

- If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

- Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

- Get in the shower.

- Wash your face.

- Wash your armpits.

- Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

- Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

- Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

- Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

- Wash your hair.

- Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

- Wee.

- Rinse off and get out of shower.

- Partially dry off.

- Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

- Admire willy size in mirror again.

- Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

- Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

- If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

- Throw wet towel on bed.

mandoura
05-12-2005, 12:30 AM
:lol: Mandoura! :rolls:

I'll promise not to post those boring :yawn: jokes on here anymore..

I hope you like it :scared: :


OK not more :tape: :ignore:
:bolt:

:lol: :lol:

Keep them coming Sol :hug: .

Becarina
05-12-2005, 12:30 AM
How To Shower Like a Woman

- Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower.

- Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

- Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

- Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

- Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint.

- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

- Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

- Rinse conditioner off hair.

- Shave armpits and legs.

- Turn! off shower.

- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

- Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

- Get out of shower.

- Dry with towel the size of a small country.

- Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.

- If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor

- Walk naked to the bathroom.

- If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

- Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

- Get in the shower.

- Wash your face.

- Wash your armpits.

- Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

- Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

- Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

- Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

- Wash your hair.

- Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

- Wee.

- Rinse off and get out of shower.

- Partially dry off.

- Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

- Admire willy size in mirror again.

- Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

- Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

- If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

- Throw wet towel on bed.



:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

mandoura
05-12-2005, 12:37 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

Most of it is true, isn't it? :lol:

Don't know about that bunch of cosmetics though. :D

jayrhum
05-12-2005, 12:38 AM
Yep I'm :lol: too... :yeah:

Becarina
05-12-2005, 12:48 AM
Most of it is true, isn't it? :lol:

Don't know about that bunch of cosmetics though. :D


Definately true, that is why it is so funny! :)

sol
05-12-2005, 11:02 AM
I'm back here :scared:



"Guy in Hell?"

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.

Devil: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On
Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get
the finest cigars from all over the world and
smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no
biggie - you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow. That's awesome.

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

Devil: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't
mean....

Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's
alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!!

Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a
swingin' place.

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No....

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . .
:devil:

****************

http://funnyfree.net/images/sample/976.jpg


:tape: :ignore: :bolt:

mandoura
05-12-2005, 02:15 PM
I'm back here :scared:



"Guy in Hell?"


:tape: :ignore: :bolt:

:yeah: Sol. :haha: :haha:

mandoura
05-12-2005, 02:16 PM
It is not a trend of mine , women vs. men, but it is funny. :)

Friends of women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. Therefore, she tells her husband, the next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night.

Therefore, the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Friends of men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. Therefore, he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.

Therefore, the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another five are claiming that he is still with them.

mandoura
05-12-2005, 02:53 PM
Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

mandoura
05-12-2005, 03:21 PM
Guess the hubby is home early :eek: :D .

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y221/mandoura/Jokes/husband.jpg

mandoura
05-12-2005, 03:22 PM
Things going wrong, take the pill. :D


http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y221/mandoura/Jokes/fukitol.jpg

mandoura
05-18-2005, 08:35 AM
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

Choupi
05-18-2005, 08:43 AM
Just a short one, and believe me girls, I'm not proud! :o

A man wakes up his wife in the middle of the night, holding out aspirin to her. Stunned, the wife replies that her head isn't aching. And the husband cracks a bright smile on his face and says "great!"... :rolleyes:

mandoura
05-18-2005, 08:50 AM
Just a short one, and believe me girls, I'm not proud! :o

A man wakes up his wife in the middle of the night, holding out aspirin to her. Stunned, the wife replies that her head isn't aching. And the husband cracks a bright smile on his face and says "great!"... :rolleyes:

:haha: :haha: :haha:

Won't let my hubby read this one. :lol:

:haha:

mandoura
05-18-2005, 08:59 AM
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y221/mandoura/Jokes/Women_Explained_by_Engineers_4.gif


;)

Choupi
05-18-2005, 09:02 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

Won't let my hubby read this one. :lol:

:haha:
Good idea! ;)

mandoura
05-18-2005, 09:05 AM
Amazing English Language

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

mandoura
05-18-2005, 09:13 AM
An 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she pushed him off the balcony of their 20th-floor assisted-living apartment, killing him instantly.

Charged with murder, the judge asked if she had anything to say in her defense.

"Your Honor," she said, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he surely could fly."

sol
05-18-2005, 11:46 AM
I'm too :scared: to post on here but anyway:

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed
little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

____

http://bestsmileys.com/scared/2.gif :tape: :ignore:

mandoura
05-18-2005, 12:03 PM
:yeah: :yippee:

tall_one
05-18-2005, 07:50 PM
Writing a thesis............


SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

FOX: "What are you working on?"

RABBIT: "My thesis."

FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?"

RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

(incredulous pause)

FOX: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

RABBIT: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hard- working rabbit.

WOLF: "What's that you're writing?"

RABBIT: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

(loud guffaws)

WOLF: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

RABBIT: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

(The End)

MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't
matter what you use for data. What does matter is who you have for a thesis
advisor.

mandoura
05-19-2005, 02:01 AM
Before And After



BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant coffee

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end

mandoura
05-19-2005, 02:03 AM
MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't
matter what you use for data. What does matter is who you have for a thesis
advisor.

Absolutely true.

:haha: :haha: :haha:

sol
05-19-2005, 02:21 AM
:scared:

Good for the Heart

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

:ignore: bolt:

mandoura
05-19-2005, 02:31 AM
That's hilarious Sol. :haha: :haha:

I am sending this one to my brother, a beans man. He is windy as well and claim they don't smell. He was making my life miserable but now his wife is the one suffering. :lol:

sigmagirl91
05-19-2005, 02:39 AM
:scared:

Good for the Heart

A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

:ignore: bolt:


:haha: :haha:

sol
05-19-2005, 09:26 PM
:scared:

Brownie recipe

Here's a recipe to make Mom's famous brownies!

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Jr and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Jr. and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.

Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.

Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting--Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine.

Take the %$$&#&% teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.

Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

:bolt: :tape: :ignore:

mandoura
05-21-2005, 12:11 AM
Frank came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.
"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked nervously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.
"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"
The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."

mandoura
05-21-2005, 01:07 AM
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

mandoura
05-21-2005, 01:26 AM
NEW LANGUAGE

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less
letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!

mandoura
05-21-2005, 12:04 PM
THE FABULOUS USAGE OF THE WORD "F**K"

Besides its sexual connotation, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

Greetings: "How the f**k are you?"
Fraud: "I got f**ked by the car dealer."
Dismay: "Oh, f**k it!"
Trouble: "Well, I guess I'm f**ked now."
Aggression: "F**k you!"
Disgust: "F**k me."
Confusion: "What the f**k...?"
Difficulty: "I don't understand this f**king business."
Despair: "F**ked again."
Incompetence: "He f**ks up everything."
Displeasure: "What the f**k is going on here?"
Lost: "Where the f**k are we?"
Disbelief: "Unf**kingbelievable!"
Retaliation: "Up your f**king a$$!"
Confused Aggression: "How the f**k should I know?"

It can be used in an anatomical description - "He's a f**king a$$hole."
It can be used to tell time - "It's five f**king thirty."
It can be used in business - "How did I wind up with this f**king job?"
It can be used to command silence - "Shut the f**k up!"
It can be maternal - "You Motherf**ker."

mandoura
05-21-2005, 12:09 PM
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr.Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they change it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go, so they tried: "Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again, so they tried: "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives".

Still not good, so they tried: "Minds and Behinds".

Unacceptable again, they tried: "Lost Souls and Ass-holes".

Still no go.

Nor did "Analaysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", 'Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either.

They finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends".

mandoura
05-21-2005, 12:15 PM
Grammar the Italian way

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, "retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi'."

mandoura
05-23-2005, 05:06 AM
Tom was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As Tom threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.


Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

Tom slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

His wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

mandoura
05-23-2005, 05:07 AM
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"


"None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."


"Well the answer is 4," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."


Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone, and the third is sucking her cone, which one is married?"


"Well", said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

mandoura
05-23-2005, 05:10 AM
There was a couple that went to a restaurant to have dinner.
When the waiter came, the husband said: "I'd like to have the veal."
"And what about the mad cow?" asked the waiter.
"Oh yeah, she'll have the chicken."

mandoura
05-26-2005, 04:09 AM
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"

mandoura
05-26-2005, 04:10 AM
Bob complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water.

Avoid heavy labor.

It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he ma$turbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins.

Your daughter's on drugs,
Put her in rehab.

Your wife's pregnant
It ain't yours---get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Becarina
05-26-2005, 05:18 AM
why did the chicken cross the road?

mandoura
05-26-2005, 06:52 AM
To run as far away from FT?

mandoura
05-29-2005, 06:50 AM
In the middle of nowhere

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

two Italian MEN and one Italian woman

two French MEN and one French woman

two German MEN and one German woman

two Greek MEN and one Greek woman

two English MEN and one English woman

two Bulgarian MEN and one Bulgarian woman

two Japanese MEN and one Japanese woman

two Chinese MEN and one Chinese woman

two American MEN and one American woman

two Irish MEN and one Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French MEN and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German MEN have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek MEN are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English MEN are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian MEN took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese MEN have set up a pharmacy/liquor /store/ restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American MEN are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish MEN divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

mandoura
05-29-2005, 07:09 AM
The value of a second opinion!

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
Suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business
60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe
and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe
tried
on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back,
eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache."

New suit = $400

New shirt = $ 36

New underwear = $ 6

Second opinion PRICELESS

sol
07-01-2005, 11:38 AM
A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla
sitting on a barstool.

The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was
doing in the bar so the bartender showed him. He
took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the head
with it. The animal instantly dropped down and
gave the bartender blow job.

The Bartender then asked the man if he would like
to try it.

The man said "Sure, but please don't hit me quite
so hard".


:unsure: :scared: :tape: :bolt:

tall_one
07-01-2005, 11:47 AM
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

sol
07-01-2005, 11:58 AM
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parishwho kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someonewho had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until thepriest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priestarrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks intown. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking abouthaving fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the newpriest about the code word.Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger atthe mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, yourwife fell three times this week."

tall_one
07-01-2005, 03:48 PM
:lol: good one Sol

Fi-Fi
07-02-2005, 10:29 AM
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked,
"What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I
don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls
and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous
24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."

sol
07-03-2005, 12:55 PM
Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky
Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.
They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, those are nuts."
She answers "Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?"
"No. The kind you rock on a crack."

sol
07-04-2005, 01:28 PM
This joke sucks....

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and
says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time
he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

sol
07-05-2005, 03:47 PM
Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test. First the teacher asks, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?" Johnny replies, "Legs." So the teacher asks, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?" "Pockets," Johnny replies. Finally the teacher asks, "And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?" "Rome," is his answer. With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks, "Well, shall we pass him?" "Better not ask me," the principal says, "I got the first two wrong!"

undomiele
07-05-2005, 04:10 PM
I have a better memory for riddles than for jokes. I can't remember a single joke.

Riddle:

Two explorers are walking through antartica. When they stop to rest, they realize that they are right next to a large frosted block of ice. When one of them wipes the frost off, they see there is a completely naked man frozen in the ice. After peering for just a second, one of the explorers shouts "OMG, its Adam!!" - as in from Adam and Eve. How did the explorer know that it was Adam by just taking one look at him???

PM me for the answer.