Original Jokes [Archive] - Page 2 - MensTennisForums.com

Original Jokes

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tall_one
09-05-2004, 09:56 AM
Top 9 Reasons to Know You're a Farmer
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

about half of these apply to my parents :o

tall_one
09-05-2004, 09:57 AM
what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot


what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......

Lalitha
09-05-2004, 12:04 PM
:eek: nicki, :haha: :haha:

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and ’’voila’’, everything else was automatic!! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. But when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.

He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but none would remove it. Panicking, he called the
supplier’s Customer Service Hotline. The farmer: ’’Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow’s udder?’’ Customer Service: ’’Don’t worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk.’’

Lalitha
09-05-2004, 12:08 PM
A female teacher walked into the class and saw a giant penis realistically depicted on the black board.
"Who did it?" she asked.
Silence.
"I demand that those who did it admit it!"
Silence.
"The last time, who did it?"
"You won, it was me," Peter said from the last row.
"Now everybody shall leave the room except for Peter," the teacher said.
The students walked out. Minute passed. Then five, then ten... After half an hour, Peter walked out, and, zipping up his fly, said, "The main thing is advertisement."

sol
09-05-2004, 11:49 PM
:lol: Lalitha and Nicki :lol:
This is the biggest collection, of the world's biggest lies ever told...

The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

It's only a cold sore.

You get this one, I'll pay next time.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

Of course I love you.

I am getting a divorce.

Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

I never inhaled.

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

I never watch television except for PBS.

...but we can still be good friends.

She means nothing to me.

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

I gave at the office.

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

I'll call you later.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.

Read my lips: no new taxes.

I've never done anything like this before.

Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.

It's supposed to make that noise.

I *love* your new _____!

...then take a left. You can't miss it.

Yes, I did.

Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

tall_one
09-06-2004, 02:37 AM
:lol: some of those are great and very true Sol!

A newlywed Couple
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh? "She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

....LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

..........and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? :lol:

superpinkone37
09-06-2004, 05:24 AM
LMAO!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Lalitha
09-06-2004, 07:35 AM
Wow, that's such a sweet story. :lol:

Lalitha
09-06-2004, 07:40 AM
A man and his wife were seeking a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody.

The man also wanted custody of his child. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and argued, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Ashie_87
09-06-2004, 10:04 AM
I'll have a try:

How To Handle Stress

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called the "world"

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water

Ashie_87
09-06-2004, 10:07 AM
Comebacks to Pick-up lines:

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: Yeah, lets pick up some chicks!

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Lalitha
09-06-2004, 10:55 AM
Good ones Ashie, keep it coming! :yeah:

tall_one
09-06-2004, 11:12 AM
:lol:

Ashie_87
09-07-2004, 04:16 AM
Definitions:

AMNESIA - What did you just ask me ?

APATHY - I don't care !

BIGOTRY - I'm not going to tell someone like you

DAMNATION - Go to hell !

DYSLEXIA - Beeing Sackwards.

EGOTISTICAL - I'm the best person to answer that question.

EVASIVE - Go do your homework.

FLATULENT - That question really stinks !

HOSTILITY - If you ask me one more question, I'll kill you !

IGNORANCE - I don't know.

INDIFFERENCE - It doesn't matter.

INFLUENZA - You've got to be sick to ask me that question.

INSOMNIA - I stayed awake all night thinking of the answer.

IRREVERANT - I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

MASTURBATION - Your father can answer that question.

OVER-PROTECTIVE - I don't know if you're ready for the answer.

PARANOID - You probably think I don't know the answer, do you ?

PROCRASTINATION - I'll tell you tomorrow.

REPETITIVE - I already told you the answer.

SELF-CENTRED - Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.

Ashie_87
09-07-2004, 04:18 AM
Diet Rules

1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the diet Coke cancels out the sugar in the chocolate bar.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medical purposes does not count (i.e. hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka).

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.

6. Movie Theater related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Snow Caps and ice-cream.

7. Cookie pieces have no calories because breaking the cookies up causes calorie leakage.

8. Foods licked from spoons and forks have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.

9. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.

10. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.

Lalitha
09-07-2004, 04:42 AM
Ashie, the point #5 :yeah:

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do." The mother exclaimed, "But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."

Ashie_87
09-07-2004, 05:59 AM
:lol: good one!

Lalitha
09-08-2004, 06:36 AM
Santa realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $ 20 to $ 2,000."

"Let’s see the $ 20 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around Santa’s neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" Santa asked.

"For $ 20 it doesn’t work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!"

sol
09-08-2004, 11:07 AM
Signs and notices

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."

Sign in a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"

Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."

sol
09-09-2004, 11:07 AM
Pregnancy Questions -- Ask the Guru

* Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
* Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational A: So what?s your question?

Lalitha
09-09-2004, 11:34 AM
Man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked, "Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?"

The father said, "Two people? Let me look."
So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."

Lalitha
09-09-2004, 11:41 AM
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."

The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

sol
09-11-2004, 02:42 AM
Church Test

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''

Lee
09-11-2004, 03:47 AM
This was a sign I actually saw in a restaurant. The sign was above the entrance door and you could see it when you leave.

'If our food does not meet your expectation, adjust your expectation."

Lee
09-11-2004, 03:51 AM
A woman called the support centre reporting her computer was not working. The operator asked her to check the power line connected to the computer. She said she needed to find a torch (flash-light) since electricity was out in the building.

Gonzalo81
09-11-2004, 12:43 PM
:haha::haha::haha::haha: Lee

sol
09-13-2004, 02:10 PM
Medical Orders

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

tall_one
09-13-2004, 02:34 PM
:lol:

sol
09-13-2004, 03:40 PM
Labor Pills

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

tall_one
09-13-2004, 03:44 PM
LMAO!!!!!!! :haha:

Sparkz
09-13-2004, 05:53 PM
A young hotshot executive decides to rent a new office building for himself.

He sits swinging in his chair, arms behind his head and notices a visitor standing there looking at him from the reception area, wanting to feel and look all important and impress the visitor he picks up the phone and pretends to be closing out a big business deal which procedes for about 15 minutes before he puts down the phone and walks up to the visitor.

"I am sorry about that" he says, "That was a big import company in New York and I had to tie up some loose ends, ...... can I help you?"

"Yes mate" replies the visitor "I've come to connect your phone lines"

sol
09-13-2004, 11:32 PM
Granny and her grandchild...
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

tall_one
09-14-2004, 12:15 AM
The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes w ith the order and says, "That will be £12.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

tall_one
09-14-2004, 12:23 AM
The Thingy
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie." So he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie" which he left sticking up.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant.

She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I begged for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat

sol
09-14-2004, 12:30 AM
:lol: Nicki .. Hilarious :lol:
______________________________
Caught in the Amazon Jungle...
Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.
They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.

The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.
When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican,
"What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:
"What will you take on your back?"

And he responds - " I'll take the Mexican! "

sol
09-14-2004, 12:35 AM
More Redneck Clues.

Even more clues you could be a Redneck...

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes "oink!"
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

sol
09-14-2004, 12:37 AM
Signs your cow has mad-cow disease.

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

tall_one
09-14-2004, 12:43 AM
:haha: good ones Solangle


The Dentist
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

sol
09-14-2004, 12:51 AM
:lol: Nicki :yeah:

Anagrammar!

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

President Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he finds

tall_one
09-14-2004, 12:56 AM
A 3 year old boy was taking a bath, He started examining his private parts and said to his mother, "Mommy? Are these my brains?"

His mother replied "No honey, not yet."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One day the whole state legislature was aboard the official state bus touring a rural area. The driver lost control and crashed the bus into the ditch. A farmer came by, and, finding the politicians lying in the road, buried them.

The police arrived on the scene just as he finished tamping the dirt down over the last one. They started asking him questions about the wreck. "So you buried ALL the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

sol
09-14-2004, 01:01 AM
New anti-aging drug...

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"

sol
09-14-2004, 11:17 AM
The Taxi Ride.

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

Lee
09-14-2004, 03:40 PM
:yeah: Nicki and Solangel

Gonzalo81
09-14-2004, 03:44 PM
Nicki :haha:

Gonzalo81
09-14-2004, 03:44 PM
Sol :rolls:

tall_one
09-15-2004, 01:15 AM
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."

"Why?" said his father.

"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, I think he wants to buy Mom!"

tall_one
09-15-2004, 01:19 AM
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"

sol
09-15-2004, 01:20 AM
:lol: Nicki :yeah:

Perks of being over 40...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

sol
09-15-2004, 01:22 AM
The Big Shake-up!

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $
200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - "Pizza delivery guy".

tall_one
09-15-2004, 01:42 AM
:lol:

Dog's and Cat's Diary

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.

The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

sol
09-15-2004, 02:50 AM
:lol: good one :yeah:

Men's Thesaurus

The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

sol
09-15-2004, 11:41 PM
Zen Quotes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

sol
09-15-2004, 11:43 PM
Famous Beer Quotes!

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
--G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
--Anonymous

If God had intended us to drinkbeer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is Australian beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

Éowyn
09-16-2004, 02:12 AM
A man goes into a dr's surgery
doctor: what seems to be the problem
patiet: i keep on singing the green green grass of home
doctor: ahh yes sir you're suffering from the tom jones syndrome
patient: oh is it common?
dorctor: it's not unusual!

Éowyn
09-16-2004, 02:17 AM
An englishman, a irish man and an american are drinking on the top of the empire state building.

American: "did you know that if you drink enough at this altitude you can jump of the building and actually fly"
Irishman: "yeah sure whatever you say"
American: "No i'm serious watch"
The American jumps off and to the irishmans surprise actually flys around the building and lands back where he was standing. "see I told you"
Irishman: "wow that was amazing, I have to try it!"
The Irishman walks to the edge jumps and duly falls to his death and hits the floor with a splat.
The Englishman turns to the american and says "awww superman you are evil when you're drunk!"

sol
09-16-2004, 02:20 AM
:lol: shell :yeah: Nice avatar :cool:

The Farmer's Prize Goat

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.

He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.

The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.

He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.

He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?"

The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."

Éowyn
09-16-2004, 02:25 AM
:haha: love that one sol :)

sol
09-16-2004, 02:45 AM
Cool REAL Signs!

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)
"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

Sign over a gynecologist's office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband tried to fix."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

tall_one
09-16-2004, 03:04 AM
:lol: good ones


The Hotel Bill
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

tall_one
09-16-2004, 03:07 AM
A Trip to China
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis."

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks and it fall off by itself!"

Éowyn
09-17-2004, 12:19 AM
:haha: i like that one :D

sol
09-17-2004, 12:28 AM
The pop machine.

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

sol
09-17-2004, 12:31 AM
Real quotes from real people!

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people"
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."
-- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
-- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."
-- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"It's like deja vu all over again."
-- Yogi Berra

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."
-- Richard M. Nixon

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet."
-- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
-- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
-- Everett Dirksen

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
-- Samuel Goldwyn

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. "
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

tall_one
09-17-2004, 02:33 AM
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
*sigh* this guy was such an idiot :rolleyes: How he ever got elected to anything other than town idiot is beyond me

tall_one
09-17-2004, 02:35 AM
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

tall_one
09-17-2004, 02:37 AM
The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"

tall_one
09-17-2004, 02:39 AM
The Frog
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husbandwill get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the
most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them. :devil:

Lee
09-17-2004, 03:49 AM
:rolls: :yeah: Nicki

Lalitha
09-17-2004, 11:05 AM
Hi all! :bigwave: Good & great jokes from everyone.

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow contracted a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home in utter despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome with grief, Helen hugs him tight and says, "Honey, I’m going to give you a night you’ll never forget!"

They go to bed early and make passionate love with an ardor they haven’t felt in years. When they’re done, Bob turns to his wife and says, "Honey, that was *wonderful,* the best we’ve ever had. Can we do it again?" This time it’s even more passionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, come on. How about one more time?"

"That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have to get up in the morning!"

Lalitha
09-17-2004, 11:06 AM
John complained to his doctor that his wife kept crying out “No, Tom, no Tom” in her sleep.
“I wouldn’t worry too much,” said the doctor. “After all, she is saying no.”

Lalitha
09-17-2004, 11:07 AM
“You came home early from your date,” John observed to his flatmate. “What happened?”
“Well,” said the flatmate, “after dinner she invited me up to her flat. We had a couple of drinks and she put on some soft music. Then she reached over and switched off the lights.”
“So, what next?” asked John, eyebrows raised.
“I can take a hint,” said his flatmate. “I came home.”

Lalitha
09-17-2004, 11:07 AM
Hopelessly lost, the man pulled his car into an abandoned petrol pump in the desert and got out. The only creature there was an owl sitting on a cactus. “Owl, can you tell me the quickest way to town?”
“Are you walking or driving?” asked the wise owl.
“I’m driving.”
“Well, that’s the quickest way.”

tall_one
09-18-2004, 12:03 AM
this sounds like a bad joke, but just happened...

Man presumed dead in train accident calls daughter at own funeral
TORONTO(AP) - At least it seemed that way after people gathered Thursday at a Toronto funeral home to mourn the retired welder from Newfoundland, whom they believed had been hit by a train.

Relatives of Squires were watching the casket being loaded into a hearse when his daughter Trina was told she had an important phone call.

Her father was on the other end.

"She totally, totally lost it," Squires' brother Gilbert said.

"She said, `There's a ghost talking to me on the phone. Please somebody try to make sense out of this because I'm losing my mind.'"

Squires was initially identified as the man who was hit by a commuter train last Friday night. The body was badly mutilated in the accident but still fit Squires' description, police said. Authorities haven't yet identified the victim.

"He went to my sister's house, and whoever answered the door fainted," said Gilbert Squires, noting his brother didn't become aware of the confusion until he read his own obituary in the newspaper.

Squires' sister identified the dead man as her brother after viewing the body at the coroner's office this week, police said.

sol
09-18-2004, 11:31 PM
Fleeing The Draft

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"

sol
09-18-2004, 11:33 PM
The Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

superpinkone37
09-18-2004, 11:46 PM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

Ashie_87
09-19-2004, 07:20 AM
:lol: good ones:yeah:

sol
09-20-2004, 12:27 AM
Forget the meaning of life...

Do pediatricians play minature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world's a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

sol
09-20-2004, 12:29 AM
Hard of Hearing Genie

OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box".

The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer."

So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!

Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?"

The man says" I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer." So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a geenie and a lamp"

The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer."

The man says "Oh, Okay!"

The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.

The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!

The geenie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?"

The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!!!" And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. "What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!"

And the man says "Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!"

Éowyn
09-20-2004, 03:23 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha: i love that one!

sol
09-20-2004, 03:29 AM
:bigwave: shell :hug:
Signs your cow has mad-cow disease.

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

sol
09-20-2004, 03:36 AM
Think YOU are having a bad day? . . .

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

___
PS: Goodnight! :angel:

Éowyn
09-20-2004, 03:40 AM
lols :)

sol
09-21-2004, 12:36 AM
What my Mom taught me.

All the things my mother taught me:

My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Éowyn
09-21-2004, 06:53 PM
:haha: :haha:

Gonzalo81
09-21-2004, 09:37 PM
Sol :haha: :haha:

sol
09-22-2004, 02:27 AM
Potential And Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, "I'll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room and asks, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps."

sol
09-22-2004, 02:29 AM
Sunday Class

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

tall_one
09-22-2004, 10:08 AM
:lol:

Gonzalo81
09-22-2004, 03:33 PM
:haha:

Lee
09-22-2004, 05:25 PM
:haha:

sol
09-23-2004, 01:29 AM
Letter from grandma

One day I recieved a letter from grandma...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

sol
09-24-2004, 01:49 AM
Pre-Nuptial Agreements

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

Éowyn
09-24-2004, 03:42 AM
:haha::haha::haha::haha::haha:

Lalitha
09-24-2004, 02:16 PM
Great jokes everyone :haha:

Nothing from me today! ;)

sol
09-25-2004, 04:28 AM
Rules Guys wished Girls knew...

Rules that guys wished girls knew..........

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in
Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done - but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.

sol
09-25-2004, 06:54 PM
Trapped On A Rock

There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat.

The man on the boat asks 'do you want any help?' Man on the rock replies 'no- the Lord will save me'-so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him 'do you want any help?' The man replied 'no - the Lord will save me!' Then along comes another man on a boat and asks 'do you want any help?' and he said 'no-the Lord will save me'.

By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter 'why didn't the Lord save me????'

St.Peter said' he sent you 2 boats a helicpter-what more do you want!?'

tall_one
09-27-2004, 11:12 PM
A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."

This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks "Is Michael Jackson God?"

Lee
09-28-2004, 12:09 AM
:haha: :haha:

sol
09-28-2004, 12:30 AM
:lol:...

When I die...

When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his
sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

sol
09-28-2004, 12:32 AM
The Wishing Well

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much,
fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while
but then smiled and said...

"Cool!...It really works"!

Ashie_87
09-29-2004, 07:07 AM
How to royally piss off people in an elevator:

Anounce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Bring a chair along
Call out 'Group hug' and enforce it
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively
Collaspe on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed
Crack open your briefcase/purse, and while peering inside ask 'Got enough air in there?!"
Draw a square in the floor with chalk and announce that this is your 'personal space'
Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave the elevator
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead with your hand and mutter "Shut up dammit! All of you just shut up!!"
Holler 'chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends
Meow occasionally
Perform a Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, begin again
Play dead
Start reciting 'green eggs and ham' and then ask what comes next
Tell people you can see their aura
Bring a Twister mat
Walk in with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan "oh no...not motion sickness now.."
When the elevator doors close, pretend you did it with your mind
While the doors are opening, whisper 'hide it! quick' and then whistle innocently
Whistle the first seven notes of "it's a small world" incessantly

Lalitha
09-29-2004, 12:15 PM
Great going everyone! My well seems to have dried up completely :confused:

Where is RonE by the way?? I think he said he will be away for 3 weeks or so, but it seems like a longer time.

tall_one
09-29-2004, 07:36 PM
Automobile Acronyms
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW
Bought My Wife

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Fix It All the Time

FORD
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Gotta Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

tall_one
09-29-2004, 07:39 PM
Worms
In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

tall_one
09-29-2004, 07:41 PM
A couple had twin sons from about one year old. The first one could talk. The second one couldn't. They tryed everthing to make the little guy talk, but didn't succeed. In an act of desperation the father desided to take the child to Lourdes.

Once they got there, he immersed the child in the holy water. The kid crawled sneezing out of the water and yelled "Asshole!"

The father pushed the kid again in the water and again, the kid yelled "Asshole!" when it crawled out.

Excited the father called his wife to tell her the good news, that the child had yelled that he was an asshole.

"That's because that's what you are" said the mother. "You took the wrong child !!!!"

superpinkone37
09-30-2004, 05:48 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: good ones!!

sol
10-01-2004, 12:55 AM
Baby Turtle

baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

sol
10-01-2004, 12:58 AM
Guess the instructions

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
.
.

sol
10-01-2004, 11:45 PM
Sam The Man

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

Gonzalo81
10-02-2004, 02:11 AM
:haha:

tall_one
10-02-2004, 07:09 AM
:lol: good ones


The Rewards Of A Healthy Lifestyle
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

Lalitha
10-02-2004, 08:32 AM
:haha: Nickii, just great :yeah:

#1.

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A fellow at the front of the crowd asks,
"When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"


#2.

The frightened tourist: "Are there any bats in this cave?"
The guide: "There were, but don’t worry, the snakes ate all of them."

Lalitha
10-02-2004, 08:35 AM
A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."
The manager says: "You’re both wrong. It’s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you’re with your wife -- you can go to the office and do some work

------------

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

tall_one
10-02-2004, 12:07 PM
:lol:

sol
10-03-2004, 10:48 PM
Great truths about life.

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.

5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.

6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

10.You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 02:34 AM
:lol:...

When I die...

When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his
sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.


i believe that was a bob hope joke originally and it was the passengers in the plane! to give it more effect :) just a useless statement by me but still :)

sol
10-04-2004, 02:43 AM
i believe that was a bob hope joke originally and it was the passengers in the plane! to give it more effect :) just a useless statement by me but still :)
:lol: :yeah:
Glad, you're back Shell :wavey: :hug:

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 02:49 AM
thanks! my comp died on me so had issues but i am here now you miss me then?

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 02:53 AM
Guess the instructions

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
.
.


okay is it just me that doesn't see an answer? or am i being thick again?

sol
10-04-2004, 02:56 AM
thanks! my comp died on me so had issues but i am here now you miss me then?

lol.. Sorry, dear!
Yes, I was missing you! :angel:
Nice avatar of Ginepri! ;)

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 02:57 AM
englishman, scotsman and irishman are travelling and they find this slide with a sign above it saying "whatever you say when you go down the slide is what you will land in"

scotsman says it's gotta be worth a try, gets on the slide, slides down screams "Silver" and lands ina pool of silver. "awesome" he says

englishman gets on the slide screams "gold" and lands in a pool of gold.


irishman gets on the slide and shouts "weeeeeeeee"

sol
10-04-2004, 02:59 AM
:lol: good one, Shell! :lol:

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 02:59 AM
what your starsign really means http://www.funnyjunk.com/p/starsign-jpg.html

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 03:01 AM
lol.. Sorry, dear!
Yes, I was missing you! :angel:
Nice avatar of Ginepri! ;)


aww glad someone noticed i was gone, i don't think anyone else did! and thanks i got bored the other day and made loads of mardy and robby and decided there wasn't enough ginepri love on here so thought i'd have a change :)

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 03:04 AM
Annoying stuff!

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.


When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?


When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you frigging pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 03:11 AM
the blonde jokes

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building.
The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red head's husband said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly j so she wouldn't jump off."

The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldnt jump off."

They both looked at the wife of the blonde and he said:" Don't look at me, my wife packs her own lunch!"
--------------------

Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.

--------------------

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

------------------

Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!"
The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?"

One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years!"

sol
10-04-2004, 03:13 AM
Brave Captain

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

sol
10-04-2004, 03:15 AM
Lethal Pool

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it!

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me in."

sol
10-04-2004, 03:16 AM
Magical Wish

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 03:28 AM
david beckham returns home from the real madrid training ground to see victoria sitting at the table crying.

"victoria whats wrong?"
"it's this damn jigsaw david, it doesn't matter how i put them together i just can't make them look like the tiger on the box"
"victoria! stop crying and put the frosties back in the box"

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 03:31 AM
Genesis


Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn''''t have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you''''ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will this ''''woman'''' cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Naming of Jesus Christ

The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's better than Clyde!''

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 03:37 AM
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."

Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 03:42 AM
last lot for the day! just making up for not being around!

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the r owing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Éowyn
10-04-2004, 03:46 AM
okay i lied this one IS the last one for the day!

Here's a dilemma...
With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don't answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line- this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida... in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is -- it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

superpinkone37
10-04-2004, 03:47 AM
:haha: :haha: :haha:

sol
10-04-2004, 02:30 PM
:lol: Good ones, Shell! :yeah: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

sol
10-05-2004, 12:03 AM
Firm Believer


One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the tit and said,"You know if you firmed these up we could ge rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the dick. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.

Éowyn
10-05-2004, 02:33 AM
:haha::haha:

sol
10-05-2004, 11:10 PM
The Spoon!

A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"
The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".
The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

Éowyn
10-05-2004, 11:25 PM
lols :)

liptea
10-06-2004, 05:26 AM
I dunno if anyone will find this funny but me, but:

If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse?

None. Ice cream doesn't have bones.

sol
10-07-2004, 12:37 AM
:lol: :yeah:.. it's funny
_____________________
The Voodoo Dick!

A businessman, who would take extended business trips, was tired of his wife's extracurricular activities while he was away. So he decides to get her some "toys" to keep her occupied while he's gone.

He goes to an adult store, and strikes up a conversation with the old guy behind the counter, explaining his situation to him. The old guy says, "Well, we have all kinds of toys, vibrators, stimulators, but, I don't know of anything that could keep her busy for a month at a time. However, there is....... no, never mind." The businessman says, "What is it? Come on, tell me." The old guy says, "Well, there is the Voodoo Dick."

The old man reaches under the counter, and brings out an old wooden box with strange carvings on it. When he opened the lid, there was a very ordinary-looking vibrator inside, nestled in velvet.

The businessman says, "That looks like everything else you've got in the store. What's so special about that?" "Ah," the old man says, "but watch what it can do." The old guy points to the door and says, "Voodoo Dick, the door." The Voodoo Dick rose up out of the box, flew at the door, and started to screw the keyhole. After a few minutes, a long crack opened in the middle of the door from the forceful thrusts, and the old guy said, "Voodoo Dick, the box." The Voodoo Dick stopped, and floated back to settle in the box again.

The businessman was stunned. "It's perfect!" He decided to buy it, but the old guy said, "It's not for sale." After some discussion, they settled on a price of $700.00, and the businessman drove home to get ready for his trip.

Before leaving, he gave the Voodoo Dick to his wife. "Now, I don't want any of your boyfriends over here while I'm gone, so if you get horny, all you have to do is say, Voodoo Dick, my pussy, and it'll take care of you."

Sure enough, a few days after the man left, his wife was thinking about which guy to call when she remembered the Voodoo Dick. She took off her clothes, laid on the bed, and said, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy." The Voodoo Dick floated up out of the box, and flew at her crotch. The thrusts were like she had never felt before, and within a few minutes had several orgasms, but after the 5th one, she decided she had enough.

Unfortunately, her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop it. She tried repeatedly to pull it out, as numerous orgasms left her limp as a dishrag. She finally decided she had to go to the hospital for help.

She got up, shakily put her clothes on, and got in her car. On the way to the hospital, a particularly intense orgasm ripped through her, and she swerved the car, almost hitting a telephone pole. A police cruiser noticed her car weaving all over the road, and he pulled her over.

The cop demanded to see her license, registration and insurance, and said to her, "Ma'am, how much have you had to drink tonight? I've been following you for 2 miles and you're all over the road."

The woman, lying weakly in the driver's seat says, "Oh no, Officer. I haven't had anything to drink. I have to go to the hospital because I have a Voodoo Dick stuck in my pussy that keeps making me cum and I can't get it out."

The cop just looks at her for a minute, and says, "Yeah, right. Voodoo Dick, my ass."

tall_one
10-07-2004, 10:34 AM
:haha:

tall_one
10-07-2004, 10:36 AM
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

tall_one
10-07-2004, 10:40 AM
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The New Priest
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit...what happened next?

tall_one
10-07-2004, 10:41 AM
Top 20 ways to tell someone their zipper is down
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

sol
10-07-2004, 10:56 AM
:lol: Good ones, Nicki :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

Lalitha
10-07-2004, 12:35 PM
good ones again Nickii! :yeah:

sol
10-07-2004, 06:50 PM
Smart Diagnosis Machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Éowyn
10-08-2004, 12:02 AM
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said,

"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Bill Gates is making the love when his wife says to him:

" Darling, I don't enjoy this! "

He replies:

"Cancel, Retry, Ignore or Quit?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft

Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker [puzzled] What the hell is Microsoft?

Data [turns to explain] Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.

. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.
Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!

Geordi: [excited] Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!

Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?

Data: [studying displays] Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

Picard: Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.

. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.

Picard: How much time will that buy us?

Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard: Identify.
Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...

[over the speakers] This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.

Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

Data: I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

Riker and Picard, together [horrified]: Lawyers!!

Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

Data: True, but appearently some must have survived.

Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.

Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard: Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!

Gonzalo81
10-08-2004, 12:08 AM
:lol: :rolls: :haha:

sol
10-08-2004, 12:22 AM
Alibi

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

papasmurf11
10-08-2004, 12:42 AM
These arnt original jokes but I thought I would just share the pictures anyway. :p

sol
10-08-2004, 12:45 AM
:lol: Great pics papasmurf :yeah: :D

Éowyn
10-08-2004, 02:03 AM
love it papasmurf i like the last one makes me laugh as i call andy puppy insane i know but still!

sol
10-08-2004, 08:56 PM
Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

_________________________________________________
A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Éowyn
10-08-2004, 09:07 PM
:haha: i like that one :)

Éowyn
10-09-2004, 03:01 AM
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Low self-esteem
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loud, mad, or sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words : Psycho-the-rapist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Éowyn
10-09-2004, 03:03 AM
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Lalitha
10-09-2004, 06:44 AM
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Lalitha
10-09-2004, 06:51 AM
This one is Forward mail, which I received. Not a joke, but an interesting one.



The problems with GIRLS:

If u TREAT her nicely, she says u are IN LOVE with her;

If u Don't, she says u are PROUD.


If u ARGUE with her, she says u are STUBBORN;

If u keep QUIET,! she says u have no BRAINS.

If u are SMARTER than her, she'll lose FACE;

If she's Smarter than u, she is GREAT.

If u don't Love her, she tries to POSSESS u;

If u Love her, she will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)

If u tell her your PROBLEM, she says u are

TROUBLESOME;



If u don't, she says that u don't TRUST her.



If u SCOLD her, u are like Uncle sam to her;



If she SCOLDS u, it is because she CARES for u.



If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;



If she BREAKS hers, she is FORCED to do so.



If u SMOKE, u are BAD BOY;



If she SMOKES, she is a GENTLELADY.



If u do WELL in your exams, she says it's LUCK;



If she does WELL, it's BRAINS.



If u HURT her, u are CRUEL;



If she HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!



& sooo hard to please!!!!!











If u send this to girls, they will swear that it's
not
true.......



but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....



The moral of the story is.......SEND THIS TO GIRLS
OUT
THERE ANYWAY...

Send

it to boys also, gives them some laughter ...



--------



Words to remember for a while







Boys are like apples on trees. The best ones are at

the top of the

tree.







The girls don't want to reach for the good ones

because they're afraid

of

falling and getting hurt. Instead they just get the

rotten apples that

are

on the ground, that aren't as good, but easy.







So the apples at the top think that there is
something
wrong with them,

when

in reality, they are amazing.







That is why we just have to be a little patient and

the right girl, the

one

who takes a chance to find the good, right apple,
will
come someday...







Send this to all the boys who you know are at the
top
of the tree.







So Guys if u are alone...this means that u r on

top....so be confident

and

wait for ur time....

Gonzalo81
10-09-2004, 12:23 PM
OMG.....soooooooooooooo true....girls are so difficult to please

:haha::haha::haha::haha: :rolls::rolls::rolls::rolls: :lol::lol::lol::lol:

sol
10-09-2004, 08:17 PM
Documentary

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians.

While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to
why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress, his reply
was: "Me only have one woman. One woman ... one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave.

This brave had two feathers in his headdress and he replied:
Me have two women. Two women ... two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual
partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say
amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers
in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me fuck'em
all. Big, small, fat and tall, me fuck'em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said: "You damn right me hung. Big like buffalo, long like
snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me
fuck'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried,"Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

papasmurf11
10-10-2004, 01:10 AM
Some more funny pictures!

sol
10-10-2004, 02:32 AM
In heaven's gate

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

Éowyn
10-10-2004, 02:38 AM
OMG.....soooooooooooooo true....girls are so difficult to please

:haha::haha::haha::haha: :rolls::rolls::rolls::rolls: :lol::lol::lol::lol:


hate to break this to you but you guys aren't all that easy to please either :rolleyes:

tall_one
10-10-2004, 02:39 AM
car forums

Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang (Chevelle) forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
- - -Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
- - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- - -Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
- - -Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

SRT Forums
"Will this void my warranty"

RX7 Forums
- - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

DSM Forums
- - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me

Supra Forums
- - -Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Vette Forums
- - -Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?

Ford 2.3 forums
- - -Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!

Éowyn
10-10-2004, 02:41 AM
lols i like that one sol :)

Éowyn
10-10-2004, 02:44 AM
lols i like the mclaren one

Éowyn
10-10-2004, 02:44 AM
Tales From The Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

tall_one
10-10-2004, 02:51 AM
:lol:

Éowyn
10-10-2004, 02:54 AM
How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won\'t shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you\'ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I\'m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

4. If the person says he\'s Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I\'m with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can\'t believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they\'re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don\'t have any friends...would you be my friend?"

9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

Example:

Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."

You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."

You: "Great, they have a group there too? How\'s business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don\'t really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Éowyn
10-10-2004, 03:20 AM
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

Éowyn
10-10-2004, 03:27 AM
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

Lalitha
10-10-2004, 05:40 AM
When the man in the street says: "If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it," the lawyer writes:

"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be unperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

sol
10-10-2004, 11:20 AM
Halloween Costume

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!"

tall_one
10-10-2004, 05:51 PM
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions.

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z are represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But:

A T T I T U D E
1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And:

B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Gonzalo81
10-10-2004, 06:00 PM
OMG :haha: Nicki!! Hilarious...:lol:

sol
10-10-2004, 09:47 PM
Marriage or Prison

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today."

________________________________________

Top Ten Things Samuel L. Jackson Should Have Said in the Star Wars Prequel

Note: In case you didn't know, Samuel L. Jackson was in the first prequel as "Jedi Master Mace Windu"

10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause I'd never touch the filthy motherfucker.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room ... accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-Wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tatooine.

6. Feel the Force, Motherfucker.

5. 'What' ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on 'What'?

4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. Yeah, Chewie's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a Wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin' to fuck him like one?

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad Ass Mother Fucker.'

RonE
10-10-2004, 11:34 PM
:haha: Great stuff all of you :worship:

I have been away from this thread for too long.
---------------------------------------------

A brigade commander in the army brings his daughter to the base. He is due to oversee another mission away from the base. While he is gone, he decideds as a precaution to attach a razor blade to his daughter's vagina.

When he returns, he tells his soldiers whoever has not made any attempt to have sex with his daughter will get promoted, so he orders everyone to take their pants off. Sure enough, he passes around and all the soldiers he sees have their penises sliced off. He finally reaches a soldier who still has his penis attached, so he slaps him on the back and says: "Congratulations son! You have just made captain!"

To which the soldier replies: "Fank oo bewy mupf, fir!"

sol
10-12-2004, 12:54 AM
This is the biggest collection, of the world's biggest lies ever told...

The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

It's only a cold sore.

You get this one, I'll pay next time.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Trust me, I'll take care of everything.

Of course I love you.

I am getting a divorce.

Drinking? Why, no, Officer.

I never inhaled.

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

I never watch television except for PBS.

...but we can still be good friends.

She means nothing to me.

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

I gave at the office.

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

I'll call you later.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.

Read my lips: no new taxes.

I've never done anything like this before.

Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.

It's supposed to make that noise.

I *love* your new _____!

...then take a left. You can't miss it.

Yes, I did.

Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

Fedex
10-12-2004, 01:01 AM
Great thread, thanks Ron :)

RonE
10-12-2004, 02:20 PM
Don't thank me Fedex, thank all these great people who keep bringing the goods to this thread ;)

tall_one
10-12-2004, 09:06 PM
New parents share their most embarrassing mistakes

Improv 101
"I was out of the house one day, and I guess we'd run out of diapers, because when I got home, my husband had made one out of a maxi-pad, a dish towel, and the headband I use when I take off my make-up. It worked, but now I make sure that I'm never, ever out of diapers."


"When my daughter, Leilani, was still very young, I took her on a day trip to visit the women on my husband's side of the family (her grandmas, great-grandmas, and aunts). I really wanted to leave them with a good impression, but I soon realized I only had one extra diaper in the diaper bag. However, I did have tons of nursing pads, so I slipped one into her diaper. As the day went on, I just changed the pads every time she wet one. They worked great and nobody ever found out!"


Help! My baby is an alien!
"My newborn daughter would spit up occasionally, like all babies, but one day when she was just 3 weeks old, she began to projectile vomit. I swear it shot from her mouth 4 feet across the room. Ironically, I had just watched 'The Exorcist' the night before, so I was positive she was possessed. I couldn't believe a tiny baby could have the ability to do this naturally. Hysterical, I called my parents, the emergency room, and a priest. When I got to the emergency room, the doctor explained it to me, and told me I was probably just overfeeding her. My priest laughed so hard he had to sit down."


"I had only been home from the hospital for a couple of days and was just finishing a shower when my husband screamed for me to come to the family room. I ran in and saw our daughter, Abigail, innocently lying on a towel on the floor. My husband jumped up and ran to the bathroom, and I heard him throwing up like he had a horrible flu. He walked out a few minutes later, went into our bedroom, and came out with a gas mask on. He said he had never seen anything like that -- Abby's first poop after the meconium. After that he changed her diaper with his gas mask on."


Operating instructions
"When my first son was born, I knew nothing about giving an infant a bath. When it came time for his first one, I put him into the tub and discovered, to my horror, that I didn't know how to turn him over. He was so slippery, and his little head flopped all over the place. I was so upset I cried. I couldn't wash my own baby's back! He had a very clean front side for the first week until my mother visited. She showed me what to do. The biggest lesson I learned was to ask for help when you need it."


"Before my son, Justin, was born, I'd only changed girl babies. For the first two weeks of his life, I ended up having to change his whole outfit every time he peed in his diaper. Then one day, desperate, I told my dad about it. He laughed and then went on to tell me that little boys' penises need to be pointed down every time you change them. We still chuckle about it today."


"My son, Billy, was only about 4 days old when I got up from a nap and found that his dad had taken the nasal aspirator that they give you at the hospital and given it to Billy to use as a pacifier. After I explained what it was, he looked a little sheepish before saying 'Good thing I rinsed it off first.'"


Learning the hard way
"I didn't always put a burp cloth over my shoulder when I picked up my newborn -- I figured if I was holding him only for a minute, he wouldn't spit up. But once, after I laid him down, I found that my back and rear end felt very warm. I didn't feel anything on the outside of my shorts. But I had overalls on, and my son had spit up inside them all over my shirt and underwear. It was a very enlightening experience, the moral of which is that, wherever you are, and whatever you are doing, always put a cloth over your shoulder when holding your little one."


"I learned the hard way to always put a diaper under my new baby girl, Lexi. I had just bathed her, so I wrapped her up in her towel and started walking from the bathroom to her room. I stopped for just a second to say something to my mom, who was visiting, and Lexi let loose! There was a huge puddle on the kitchen floor, and I was pretty soaked too!"


"The day my son, Mason, was born, my husband did his first-ever diaper change. He was so proud. But when he picked Mason up, our son urinated on him. The little cut-out in the front of the diaper for the belly button stump was too far down, and Mason's little pee-pee was sticking out. My husband was so embarrassed."


Bye-bye, brain
"In the first couple weeks after I had Zach, I was absolutely exhausted and trying to recover from a c-section. I was taking Percoset for the pain, which made me tired and a little loopy. So, one night it came time for his 2 a.m. feeding. I always change his diaper before feeding him, so I followed my routine as usual and went back to sleep. But when I got up the next morning to change him, I noticed he was wearing two diapers instead of one -- his dirty one from the middle of the night and a clean one right on top of it."


"When my son was 5 days old, I decided to take him to the store. I was really nervous because it was my first time taking him out by myself. After spending about an hour getting ready, we left the house. I locked the front door of my house and put my key chain in my pocket. Minutes later, I buckled my son into his car seat and closed the car door. I went around to the driver's side door, and the door was locked. I went back around to the passenger side, and it was locked too. I sat on the hood of my car crying for about an hour (while my baby slept in his car seat), thinking about what a terrible mother I would be. Then I remembered that the keys were in my pocket! I unlocked the car door and took the baby back into the house. When my husband came home and I told him about it -- still crying -- he laughed and thought it was cute."


Somehow they survive
"About five days after my daughter, Nina, was born one sweltering New York July, she developed a fever of 102. Convinced there was something very wrong, I rushed her to the doctor's office. When I got there, the nurse led us to an air-conditioned room. When the doctor walked in, he promptly undressed my crying daughter down to her diapers. As if on cue, she suddenly stopped crying and cooed on the exam table. The doctor checked her out and then turned to me and asked, 'Do you have air-conditioning?' I said we did, but only in the bedroom. He asked where Nina and I had been all day. I told him we were in the living room. He looked at me quite seriously, and said, 'Keep her in the air-conditioned room. She doesn't have a fever; she's just hot.' Then he smiled. Thank God for air-conditioning."


"A few weeks after my son, Weston, was born, we hit an unusually warm spell in early October, so I decided to put a fan in his window to keep him cool. When I went to check on him during his nap, I found him surrounded by a swarm of mosquitoes, and I saw that I'd forgotten to put the window screen back in when I installed the fan. So then, in my sleepless state, I sprayed him with bug repellent from head to toe, including his hands, which he immediately used to rub his eyes. Already cranky because I'd woken him up, he now started screaming because of the spray in his eyes. I was so panicked that I never even thought of just wiping him off with a damp washcloth. Instead, I put his poor little head under the running faucet. But that just made him cry harder: It was bad enough being woken up and getting bug spray in his eyes, but now his mother was drowning him in the sink. It ended up with me on the kitchen floor crying and my poor husband coming in and trying to console both me and the baby, who at this point has, amazingly, survived his first two years."


"When my son was about 6 weeks old, he began teething (I know -- it's early). I wanted to give him some Infants' Tylenol because he had a bit of a fever. I was going on about two hours of sleep over a period of two days, and I couldn't find the dropper that went to his medicine anywhere, so I had the bright idea that I would just cover the top of the bottle with my finger and let it drip out that way. When I tried it, I was horrified to see half the bottle disappear into his mouth! I screamed and frantically tried to scoop some out with my finger, but to no avail. I started bawling my head off and called poison control, telling the guy over the phone that I was a bad mom. He told me not to give him any more for awhile, and that I shouldn't worry, because for my son's weight, he would have had to drink three whole bottles to get sick from it! I'm so ashamed about that. I'll never do it again, that's for sure."


Adventures on the road
"I was nervous about driving alone with the baby, so I put her in the front seat on the passenger side so I could comfort her if she started to cry. I passed the seat belt through the car seat (which doubled as a carrier), but I forgot that the seat belt was automatic. When I closed the door, the seatbelt picked up the carrier and left it dangling sideways in the air, with my baby inside. She was okay because she was strapped in the carrier, but still!"


"When our son was 3 weeks old, we decided it was time to get out for a day with him. We packed bags all morning, trying to make sure we didn't forget anything. Extra formula, a whole bag of diapers (just in case) -- you name it, we had it. We loaded everything up and trudged down the three flights of stairs to the car, but when we got to the bottom, we looked at each other and said, 'Where's the baby?!' We had left him in the apartment! We raced back up the stairs at 90 miles an hour -- and found him sitting in the car carrier sound asleep. We laughed until it hurt, and never left him behind again."


"When Nick was several weeks old, I was driving home from a hike with friends. I couldn't figure out why he was fussing in the car since he usually loved the motion. Finally, when I stopped at a red light, I turned around and saw the car seat on its side. I'd strapped him in, but not the seat! Everything turned out fine, but it was a definite 'Bad Mom Day' for me. I never made that mistake again."

tall_one
10-12-2004, 09:07 PM
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Techincal Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

sol
10-13-2004, 12:14 AM
Good ones, Nicki :lol: :rolls::rolls::rolls::haha:
Great avatar, Ron :yeah::D
____________________________
A tribe within Africa

There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.

One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.

The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Gonzalo81
10-13-2004, 12:48 AM
:haha::haha::haha::haha:

tall_one
10-13-2004, 08:19 AM
Did you know...
That 1 out of 4 americans has appered on tv?
That 61% of all hits on the internet are on sex-sites?
Every day 21 newborn babies will be given to the wrong parents
The average person swallows 8 spiders in a year
Cannabis is the most widely abused druk in the world

The average person laughs 13 times a day
Elvis was originally blond
The average age of first intercourse is 15,3 years old
The average erect penis is 5,2" long - and 4,2" circumcised
Eskimoes use refrigerators to keep food from freezing

41% of all people take people with curly hair less seriously
20% of all females have had at least 1 homosexsual eksperience
There is no such thing as an anti-wrinkle-creme?
22% of the time, a pizza will arrive faster that an ambulance in Great Britian
96% of all women have at one time in their life faked an orgasm

3 people die every year, testing if a 9 volt battery works on their tongue
The 'Guiness Book Of Records' holds the record for being the most stolen book in the public libraries
Butterflies taste with their feet
5% of the population is gay
The worlds best known word is 'okay', the second most well-known word is 'Coca-Cola'

The giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue
Charles Chaplin once won 3rd place in a 'Charles Chaplin look-a-like contest'
In 1995 a japanese trawler sank because a russian cargo plane dropped a living cow from 30.000 feet
Only one book has been printet in more copies than the bible - the IKEA-catalogue
1 cigarette takes away five minutes of a person's life

In 1950 we were 3 billion people on the earth - today we are 6 billion people
'Donald Duck' was banned in Finland, because he doesn't wear pants
74% of all nudist-females are nudists, because their husbands are nudists
More people die from a champagne cork popping, than from poison spiders
21% of all traffic accidents happen because the driver falls asleep

That originally a danish guy invented the burglar alarm - unfortunately it got stolen
The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru (See no evil); Mikazaru (Hear no evil); Mazaru (Speak no evil)?
The days between October 4 and October 15, 1582 did not "exist," they were skipped, due to a decree from Pope Gregory XIII, who hanged the official calendar from the Julian model to the Gregorian.
There are two spots on Earth where there is only one direction to go. At the North Pole you can only go south, no matter which way you turn, and at the South Pole you can only go North.
US President James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other -- simultaneously?

The world's biggest pair of panties, made from crylic and lace, measured 29.4 ft. (8.97 m.) x 14 ft. (4.26 m.)? They were trung across London's Oxford street as part of a promotion.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
America's favorite cookie is ... the Oreo?
Until 1796, there was a state in the United States called Franklin? Today it's known as Tennessee.
The human thigh bones are stronger than concrete!?

A rat can go longer without water than a camel?
The dot over the lower-case letter 'i' is called a 'tittle?'
In 1993, the city council of Steamboat Springs, CO ratified the public's choice for the name of a new bridge over the Yampa River, the James Brown Soul Center of the Universe Bridge?
Charles Darwin, father of evolution theory, married his first cousin?
Viagra has become a popular gift for Chinese workers to give their bosses?

"Steatopygia" means an accumulation of fat in the buttocks?
The ancient Mayan calendar lists the end of time precisely at December 12, 2012?
There is no land beneath the North Pole?
The city of LaPaz, Bolivia is virtually fireproof? At 12,000 feet above sea level, there is barely enough oxygen to support combustion.
Americans consume about 138 billion cups of coffee a year?
Smoking kills more people each year than AIDS, alcohol, automobile accidents, cocaine, crack, heroin, and suicide, combined.

Ashie_87
10-13-2004, 09:52 AM
How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity and Drive others Loopy

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3) Insist that your e mail address be Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the- King@companyname.com.

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Don't use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are.

16) Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.

Ashie_87
10-13-2004, 09:54 AM
Advantages of Being Female

* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
* We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
* We have the ability to dress ourselves.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
* We'll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

sol
10-13-2004, 10:55 AM
:lol:Good ones, Nicki and Ashie :yeah: :lol:

bad gambler
10-13-2004, 11:44 PM
How do you get a blonde to laugh at a joke on monday morning?


Tell her the joke on Friday night

sol
10-14-2004, 12:00 AM
Just Like Home

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Éowyn
10-15-2004, 12:52 AM
only 20% of pizzas in the uk faster than ambulances i'd have said it's closer to 90% have you ever tried to call an ambulance in this country

Éowyn
10-15-2004, 01:02 AM
Advantages of Being Female


* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

no but m mate anna's first crush was on kit the car from knightrider

* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

depends on the bloke ;)

Éowyn
10-15-2004, 03:27 AM
dol i think you're starting to repeat jokes now i saw them earlier in the thread i remember coz i only re readthem a while ago! sorry *hides*

RonE
10-15-2004, 04:08 PM
:haha: great as usual, everyone. Keep it up! :yeah:

tall_one
10-15-2004, 08:30 PM
A Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

tall_one
10-15-2004, 08:32 PM
80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer & that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight & out golfing up and down the fairways.

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning...and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure There's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grand-father's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

sol
10-15-2004, 08:38 PM
Good ones Nicki! :lol: :rolls::haha:
Did God Make You?
little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Lalitha
10-16-2004, 06:54 AM
Nickii, that job application is just great! :yeah:

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Canuck_Chick
10-16-2004, 05:15 PM
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (I swear its funny :))

George Bush's Answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

Al Gore's Answer:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

Bill Gates' Answer:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Martha Stewart's Answer:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr. Seuss' Answer:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway's Answer:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa's Answer:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Barbara Walters' Answer:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

Ralph Nader's Answer:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been pollutedby unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Jerry Seinfield's Answer:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Pat Buchanan's Answer:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Rush Limbaugh's Answer:
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

Jerry Falwell's Answer:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that hicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.".

John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

Aristotle's Answer:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx's Answer:
It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Voltaire's Answer:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

Captain Kirk's Answer:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder's Answer:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Scully's (x-files) Answer:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Albert Einstein's Answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Sigmund Freud's Answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

L.A.P.D.'s Answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Richard Nixon's Answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Buddha's Answer:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Joseph Stalin's Answer:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

Carl Jung's Answer:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Louis Farrakhan's (nation of Islam's leader) Answer:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

John Locke's Answer:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Albert Camus' Answer:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

Oliver Stone's Answer:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.

Immanuel Kant's Answer:
chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

MC. Escher's Answer:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

George Orwell's Answer:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Plato's Answer:
For the greater good.

Nietzsche's Answer:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

B.F. Skinner's Answer:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

Jean-Paul Sartre's Answer:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Emily Dickenson's Answer:
Because it could not stop for death.

O.J. Simpson's Answer:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?

Canuck_Chick
10-16-2004, 05:18 PM
This is for hockey fans:
____________________
10 Reasons Why Hockey is Better Than Sex!!

10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS

9. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD

8. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE

7. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR

6. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS

5. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE

4. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON

3. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY

2. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK

1. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES

Éowyn
10-19-2004, 02:29 AM
Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands


IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at?
It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees?
Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow.
Your women can shave if they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”

Éowyn
10-19-2004, 02:34 AM
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q:What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?

A:They grow taller.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.

sol
10-19-2004, 03:01 AM
:lol: Good ones Shell, Canuck and Lalitha :lol: :rolls:

sol
10-19-2004, 03:07 AM
http://www3.telus.net/public/ehopkins/funny-pictures/george-w-bush-pictures/george-w-bush-pictures-0004.jpg
______________________________________________
From the interviewee: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

- "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

- "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

- "A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon)

- "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe)

- "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling)

- "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between only Oxford and Cambridge)

- "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

Éowyn
10-19-2004, 03:56 AM
man i think andy caddick does have a brain fracture lols! i remember that boat race i laughed hysterically when he said that! it's not as good as chris kamara doing a match update from one of our games last season!

"it's end to end stuff here only all in the fulham end" wanna explain that one?

tall_one
10-19-2004, 11:19 AM
Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF Samurai. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position:

1. a Japanese Samurai
2. a Chinese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

Éowyn
10-20-2004, 01:04 AM
lols tall one :)

RonE
10-20-2004, 10:35 AM
:lol:

Lalitha
10-21-2004, 01:23 PM
Great one again, Nickii :yeah:

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

Officer: "I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he’s drunk."

Lalitha
10-21-2004, 01:29 PM
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That’s unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?"

Lalitha
10-21-2004, 01:30 PM
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man’s response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"
The baby sailor said, "I’d grab a torpedo and sink it."
"Where would you get the torpedo?"
"The same place you got your battleship!"

sol
10-21-2004, 01:43 PM
:lol: Good ones, Lalitha.:rolls: :yeah:I would good-rep you for these jokes, but I'm 24hrs banned.

Lalitha
10-21-2004, 01:51 PM
Thanks sol :hug:

sol
10-21-2004, 01:58 PM
You're welcome :hug:
__________________
Steven Wright on dogs

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
___________________________

Real newspaper headlines

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
_________________________

http://jokes.glowport.com/cartoon/hones.jpg

tall_one
10-22-2004, 09:27 AM
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

RonE
10-23-2004, 12:08 AM
Sol, Lalitha and Nikki :haha: :yeah:

I know I have been lazy in the jokes department lately so I hope this makes up for it a bit

Note: read it very slowly ;)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


To Whom It May Concern:
===================



I am a senior citizen.



During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well
paying job.



I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.



Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life
change for the worse.



I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
I lost my retirement savings.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became
homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like
an animal, instead of helping me they arrested me.



I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a
Democrat is back in the White House come next year.



Bush has to go.



Sincerely,



Saddam Hussein

sol
10-23-2004, 01:21 AM
:lol: Good ones, Ron and Nicki :haha::rolls: :yeah: :smoke:
__________________________________________________ __

Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?” The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

__________________________________________________ ____
A man takes his son tiger hunting. They’re creeping through the weeds and the man says, “Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions? And the boy says, “Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?

__________________________________________________ ____
Outlandish Expectations


Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Lalitha
10-23-2004, 07:24 AM
RonE :yeah:

Sol & Nickii :haha: :lol:

Nothing from me today! :)

RonE
10-23-2004, 10:23 AM
Great ones Sol :lol: :yeah:

tall_one
10-25-2004, 09:55 PM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People. The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him The Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"

The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."

sol
10-25-2004, 10:17 PM
:lol: Good one Nicki! :smooch: :yeah:
_____________________
A sizeable improvement:



http://www.funnypics4all.com/pics/0/3/390.jpg ;) :devil:

RonE
10-25-2004, 10:38 PM
:haha: Sol & Nikki!!!!!!!! :yeah:

Gonzalo81
10-25-2004, 11:49 PM
:haha:

Éowyn
10-27-2004, 12:27 AM
more rude that normal but not overly rude anyhow:

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
excuse the language:
The couple has been married only two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. "Honey," says he to his new bride, "I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asks the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." "You want a beer, My Love?" She opens the refrigerator door shows him 25 different brands of beer from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, including six places he's never even heard of. The husband is nonplussed, and all he can think to say is, "Yes, Honey Pie, but the bar you know...the frozen glass..." He hasn't finished the sentence before wifey interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug out of the freezer that is so cold that it burns his fingers "Yes, Tootsie Roll," hubby says a bit desperately, "but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and removes 15 different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But, Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Here...DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and they will tell you, to have two men at once. According to a recent social logical study this is true, however most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

sol
10-27-2004, 01:16 AM
:lol: good ones Éowyn :rolls: :yeah: :haha:
_____________________________________
PMS "Humor"

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE!!

And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.

They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this

house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the

light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD

for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the

chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the

STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID

#)&*!@!! LIGHT BULBS CAME IN.

WHY???

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM GARBAGE THROUGHOUT

THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO

CLEAN THIS HOUSE!!!

~~
Personally it sounds like domestic abuse to me, but, hey, I just post them...

_______________________________________________

Beer Helps

http://www.jokeindex.com/images/beer_helps.jpg

________________________________________________

Jockstrap Boys

A new look for the Backstreet Boys:

http://www.jokeindex.com/images/jockstrapboys.jpg

Éowyn
10-27-2004, 11:32 PM
lols tangy!

this one has to be credited to proph who found it on some site advertsing lots of sex and orgys (no joke lols)


Grammar Rules
Pay Attention


1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. The passive voice should never be used.
36. Do not put statements in the negative form.
37. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
38. A writer must not shift your point of view.
39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
40. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
41. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
42. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
43. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
44. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
45. Always pick on the correct idiom.
46. The adverb always follows the verb.
47. Be careful to use the rite homonym.

And Finally...

47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

sol
10-28-2004, 09:25 PM
:lol: Tangy :yeah: :rolls: / Good one Éowyn :haha:
_______________________________________________
http://www.hitjokes.com/images/not_eating.jpg

_______________________________________________
http://www.hitjokes.com/images/toasted_bush.jpg

Ashie_87
10-29-2004, 05:50 AM
:haha: :haha:

Lalitha
10-29-2004, 06:52 AM
Q: What do you call 25 guys sitting around watching the World Series?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: The Yankees

:haha:


Tangy, undoubtedly the best in recent times :lol:

Lalitha
10-29-2004, 06:57 AM
A few good pics - It's all about the growth of internet and technology ;

Lalitha
10-29-2004, 07:03 AM
few more ;)

Lalitha
10-29-2004, 07:20 AM
An airline pilot with poor eyesight managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand.
One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he`d been suckered all these years. Then the doctor could not contain his curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"
"Well," said the pilot, "it`s really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."
"I can understand that," replied the doctor. "But what about the take- off?"
"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"
"But once you`re aloft?"
"Oh, everything`s fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the auto-pilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."
"But I still don`t see how you land!"
"Oh, that`s the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport`s radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, `AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!`, then I will pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"

RonE
10-29-2004, 12:59 PM
Sol, Eowyn, Lalitha and Tangy :haha: :haha: :haha: :yeah:

Ashie_87
10-30-2004, 12:15 AM
ADVICE FROM KIDS

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
4. Stay away from prunes.
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
19. Never try to baptize a cat.

Ashie_87
10-30-2004, 12:19 AM
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem:

________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

________________________________
________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________

4. Problem severity:

A. Minor __
B. Minor __
C. Minor __
D. Trivial __

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up __
B. Frozen __
C. Hung __
D. Shot __

6. Is your computer plugged in?

Yes __ No __

7. Is it turned on?

Yes __ No __

8. Have you tried to fix if yourself?

Yes __ No __

9. Have you made it worse?

Yes __

10. Have you read the manual?

Yes __ No __

11. Are you sure you've read the manual?

Yes __ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?

No __

13. Do you think you understood it?

Yes __ No __

14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

___________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?

___________________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

___________________________________________

17. If 'nothing', explain why you were logged in:

___________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?

No __

19. How does this problem make you feel?

___________________________________________

20. Tell us about your childhood:

___________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?

Yes __ No__

22. Can't you do something else instead of bothering us?

Yes __

Ashie_87
10-30-2004, 12:22 AM
MARDI GRAS TIPS

If you're planning to go to the sydney gay and lesbian mardi gras this year, here is a list of commonly used terms and their true meanings...

"Welcome to Sydney" - You're cute.

"Hello Darling" - I've forgotten your name.

"G'day mate" - I'm straight.

"Happy Mardi Gras" - I'm gay.

"Is it your first time in Sydney?" - Thank God he/she doesn't know what a sl*t I am.

"What do you think of Sydney so far?" - Do you fancy me?

"I'll show you around town." - I'm not letting anyone else get a hold of you.

"It's your shout" - My friends and I would like a drink. We're having Long Island Iced Teas.

"I'm a Jackaroo" - I was in a porn film.

"Is that an American accent?" - Can I marry you and get a Green Card?

"Australians are pretty open minded" - I'll sleep with anyone.

"I prefer classical music" - Why don't they play Diana Ross and Donna Summer anymore?

"Let's go to your hotel room" - My boy/girlfriend's at home.

"You think Australians are sexy?" - You don't need to know I'm a New Zealander.

"I prefer not to have sex on the first date" - I've got crabs.

"I don't go out much" -- I stay home on Monday (Friends and Will & Grace).

"Maybe I'll see you at the party" - Have a nice life.

"I'm over the Mardi Gras Party" - I couldn't get a ticket.

"The recoveries are better than the party anyway" - God I wish I had a ticket.

"That outfit is outrageous" - You look shocking.

"Why do the good looking guys/girls only come out at Mardi Gras?" - I haven't had sex for a year.

"I love you" -- My E has just kicked in.

"I love your pet elephant" -- My trip has just kicked in.

"I lluurrrr..." -- My K has just kicked in.

"I've been looking for you for ages" - I've been having toilet sex.

"I hate staying till the end of the party" - I'm not so pretty in the daylight.

"I think I'm going to be sick" -- I think I'm going to be sick.

"I'm going home for a sleep before the recoveries" - I'm going to the sauna.

"Here, have an E" - I really, really, really like you.

"The music was that vile thump, thump, thump" - I'm over 30.

"The party was too straight" - I didn't pick up.

"I'm over it" - My drugs have worn off.

Ashie_87
10-30-2004, 12:31 AM
OK last one for today:

THE MENTAL HOTLINE...

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press it for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press because no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please figet with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have post-traumatic disorder, slowly and carefully press 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have weight issues, press 1b. (#).
If you have family problems, press 666.
If you suffer from narcissim, press star.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

sol
10-30-2004, 03:25 AM
:lol: Good ones, Éowyn, Lalitha, and Ashie :yeah: :rolls::haha: :haha:
__________________________________________________ ___________

How to Carve a Pumpkin Like a Pro!:

"You've seen those pumpkins whose carvings intricately depict the face of Dracula, a spooky graveyard, or a blood-curdling face. This guide will show you how to get the same precise results using regular household items!" explains kind, caring Liquid Generation, producer of this step-by-step tutorial.

Trick-or-Treat Fun!: "Get your tools together! Decide on a design! Cut out the top and spoon out the guts! Carve it! Place in a candle and set it in a window to show-off your pumpkin!"

How delightful! Let's put on our pixie costumes and lark!

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/pumpkin_carve.asp

__________________________________________________ ____________

9 Chickweed Lane:

http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2004/10/29/9_Chickweed_Lane.505.g.gif

Canuck_Chick
10-31-2004, 12:44 AM
20 Ways For Women To Tell That They've Had A Little Much To Drink

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling "WOO-HOO!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "Oh my God! I love this song!"

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

sol
10-31-2004, 10:33 PM
:lol: good one Canuck_Chick :yeah: :rolls: :haha: :haha:
http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/images/happyhalloween3.gif http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/user/syeh/images/halloween.gif http://www.jaranja.de/medien/pic/animationen/halloween/animationen_halloween_fledermaus_01.gif
__________________________________________________ ____________

Zombie Cluster Pumpkins of Doom

''No pumpkins were harmed in the making of this online game,'' says developer LavishFish Moving Pictures. ''Well, maybe just one or two. ... Flesh-eating hybrid pumpkins are swarming over Farmer Fred's Organic Pumpkin Patch. Genetically engineered to breed faster than you can say 'bigger profit margin,' these Sinister Squashes must be stopped. Help Farmer Fred dispatch them back to the petri dish from whence they came and make Halloween safe for everyone!"

http://humor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.lavishfish.com/zcpflash.htm (in flash)

__________________________________________________ ________________

http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2004/10/30/9_Chickweed_Lane.843.g.gif

RonE
11-01-2004, 10:36 AM
:haha: Sol and Canuck_Chick, great :yeah:

TaTaaa
11-01-2004, 09:25 PM
interesting!!!!! i will copy that!!! lol

sol
11-01-2004, 09:27 PM
Two Sweethearts

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

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http://images.chron.com/content/chronicle/comics/images/2004/11/1/9_Chickweed_Lane.729.g.gif

RonE
11-01-2004, 10:18 PM
:lol: Sol

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: "I am 92 ears old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

RonE
11-01-2004, 10:24 PM
Heaven and Hell

superpinkone37
11-02-2004, 01:04 AM
:lol: