Love Wimbledon? Play Timbledon!

06-21-2004, 09:28 AM
Love Wimbledon? Play Timbledon!

Fun for all the family: Enhance your enjoyment of watching our brave boy battling against outrageous fortune with this brilliant game

Thursday June 17, 2004

The Guardian

Recreate the thrills of the world famous Timbledon© Lawn Tennis Championships with this exciting game of chance, skill and duff volleys. Experience the highs, lows and inevitable icky feelings of Timmy's ride on the SW19 roller coaster as if you were standing right next to him on Centre Court. To play you'll need a pen and paper for keeping score, and a TV set showing Britain's greatest sporting idol in action (no, not Garry Richardson).
First, decide who's Tim Henman and who's Johnny Foreigner by flipping a coin in the air, calling "heads" or "tails", and then arguing over what the hell that means exactly in this context until one person gives in, saying, "Oh for God's sake, you go first - it's only a stupid, half-baked game!"

Go through this rigmarole again to decide who serves first. The game begins with the start of Henman's match. By watching our hero in action, both players score just like the real thing, with points, games, sets - even matches - won and lost according to what you see and hear (see spotters' panels, right). The first to six games takes a set, tie-breaks are in operation, and it's best of five sets - provided, of course, you haven't lost interest long before that.

T Henman

Scores a point if ...
· Tim does a little jig after hitting a winner
· We see Paul Annacone looking impassive
· Henman gambles by aiming deep on second serve
· The crowd makes that odd gasping noise during a rally like somebody thrilled by winning a foot spa in the WI tombola
· There's a shot of his mum and dad applauding
· Tim hits a winner with both feet off the floor
· John McEnroe is seen wearing a huge pair of earphones
· Henman changes his shirt
· We see a group of three or more fans all wearing identical Tim-related hats/T-shirts
· Or Japanese teenagers in England football shirts
· Or a Chelsea pensioner
· People sing "God Save The Queen"

Wins game automatically if ...
Any commentator, summariser or pundit produces a variation on the theme of: · "For Tim the percentage game is a thing of the past"
· "Paul Annacone has stressed the need to be more spontaneous"
· "Henman's new-found mental toughness"
· "Tim's so athletic"
· "Gives it the old chip and charge"
· "That thrilling victory over Jim Courier"
· "Could the long, long wait be over at last?"
· "Oh my word!"
· "Does this mark a sea change in Henman's fortunes?"
· Any mention of Fred Perry or "the incredible atmosphere on Henman Hill".

Wins set automatically if ...
· Sir Cliff Richard is spotted in the crowd
· Or Lionel Blair
· Or that Una Stubbs woman

J Foreigner

Scores a point if ...
· Henman revives the clenched fist gesture
· We see wife Lucy looking pensive
· Tim hits the grass or throws away his racket in frustration
· He spends a break with a towel over his head
· Or uses schoolboy sarcasm with the umpire over a line call
· Henman's opponent makes the crowd laugh by pretending to play his racket like a ukulele
· The umpire calls for quiet after persistent yells of "C'mon Tim!"
· We catch a glimpse of an ex-England football manager, Tony Blair or Ant and Dec in the royal box
· A wag in the crowd yells "he could do with some" when the umpire calls "new balls please"
· There's a Mexican wave

Wins game automatically if ...
Any commentator, summariser or pundit expounds on the theme of:
· "Henman has struggled with the wind all afternoon"
· "Tim hasn't really got that massive booming serve"
· "The weight of national expectation is heavy on his shoulders"
· "At least Lucy is blooming"
· "What must be going through Tim's mind now?"
· "He turns 30 this autumn"
· "You could cut the tension with a knife"
· "In this country we have 50% fewer all-weather courts than they do in France"
· "That rain break came at just the wrong time for Tim"
· Any mention of Goran Ivanisevic or Pete Sampras

Wins set automatically if ...
· Jordan is spotted in the crowd
· Or Peter Andre
· Or any defeated member of England's Euro2004 squad

Code violation

The player serving is automatically defaulted if ...
· Henman reacts to the arrival of John Prescott in the Royal Box by dropping his shorts in protest at the government fuel tax policy.
· Tim double faults and then throws his racket down, crying out: "Jesus Christ I wish I was German!"
· In a post-match press conference, he accuses Sue Barker of looking "like a Pekingese who's spent too much time in a tanning salon."
· He only goes and wins the thing.


(First four sets only) Toss (or fight) for serve. Then take it in turns to name people or things from one of these lists. A two-second pause loses the set.

· Players who have beaten Henman in epic Wimbledon battles.
· Tim's nicknames and other tabloid monikers (eg "the plucky Brit").
· The great old characters of men's tennis who are so sadly lacking these days.
· Hilarious moments in Wimbledon history that reduced players and crowd to tears.
· Great moments in British tennis history (no, that's too hard).
· More useful things you could be doing with your time than playing this idiotic game.

Guardian Unlimited © Guardian Newspapers Limited 2004 :devil:

06-21-2004, 09:33 AM

Action Jackson
06-21-2004, 09:34 AM
What a great game. I couldn't imagine the American press doing this for Duckboy on clay.

06-21-2004, 10:09 AM

Please, don't forget the British sense of humour ;)

06-21-2004, 10:32 AM
LOL! :lol:

06-21-2004, 02:05 PM

Please, don't forget the British sense of humour ;)

It's called self-deprecating - we are very good at it :p

And I agree with you GWH - can't imagine it either!

06-21-2004, 02:52 PM
What a great game. I couldn't imagine the American press doing this for Duckboy on clay.

he he GWH couldn't go a post without some Andy bashing could ya?

06-21-2004, 03:45 PM
sheesh some columnist was THAT bored :scared:

06-21-2004, 04:57 PM
zzzzzzzz...... let's hope Timbledon finishes tomorrow.