Well the other day i was just extremly bored and i was eating strawberries and i was just wondering if the strawberry was a person what it would be like (ok i know this sounds weird but remember i was bored!!) Anyway the journalist inside me decided to turn this into an article and this is what i came up with.
tell me what u think
Ever wonder what fruits would be like if they had personalities (that is, apart from the time you were very drunk.). “No of course not”, you mutter indignantly, wondering if your beloved reporter has finally gone troppo. “People are complex, intricate, multifaceted, contradictory and fruits are well… fruit!” you say.
Well I decided to make some outrageous generalisations anyway. So please join me in this exciting ride through the world of organic food. Who knows, perhaps you’ll find yourselves reflected in one or more of your favourite edibles…
Strawberries – What I would call the premium fruit, the so-called ‘It’ girl. Gorgeous, cultured, refined, the one voted ‘most likely to create world peace and cure split ends’ in high school. Destined to become aristocrats, trophy-wives, astrophysicists, soccer mums, beauty queens or housewives.
Peaches – Fashionable, modern and trendy. Can be clever and sharp, or shallow and insipid. Future careers include models, fashion designers, actresses, society columnists, PR
gurus and TV anchors.
Grapes – Those giggling girls in packs (usually all schoolgirls). Grapes are an evolution – we all go through a pack grape phase but eventually even the greenest grapes mature and develop their own personalities.
Mangos – Matronly, bosomy, clucky, maternal, eternally disapproving women. Mangos are those archetypal family friends and acquaintances that swamp you at boring social events pinching cheeks and generally committing a battery on your person.
Rockmelons – Good-looking, poser boys – what is now fashionably known as the “metrosexual”. Café-latte drinking with always have a comb in their pocket. Alternatively can be one of those gel-haired musicians or rev heads. Generally pair with peaches but occasionally go slumming with tomatoes who feed their vanity and ego (see below).
Cherries – The jezebels of the fruit world who have acquired the unfortunate category for some minor lapse. That is, society has capriciously decided their makeup/heels/boyfriends are too dark/too high/too numerous. Could be a strawberry who’s had a fall from grace. Tend to be either spiteful minxes harbouring castration fantasies or misunderstood earthy, heart-of-gold lasses who only want to be redeemed by a male rescue figure.
Mandarin – Bouncy, blonde, netball-playing girls.
Orange – Soccer boys. Shiny, athletic, sporty jocks. Generally pair with Mandarins.
Avocado – Can be intelligent and funny or pompous and arrogant. General air of an English gentleman, common thread- male and successful. Avocadoes usually go with strawberries but have an ongoing sexual tension with cucumbers (see vegetables) whom they regard as wild shrews and who are regarded reciprocally by cucumbers as bourgeois capitalists. Most become university professors, academics, corporate executives.
Pineapple – SRC president, debater, bossy, authoritative, always giving unsolicited advice. Pineapples are easily detected – the one in the lecture room with the colour coded, alphabetised notes.
Bananas – All mischievous little boys under the age of 10.
Carrots – As above but with orange hair and freckles.
Plums – Hearty, rosy country girls with creamy skin and thick plaits.
Pomegranates – Vibrant, bubbly, vivacious. A social butterfly.
Zucchini – Cynical, edgy, trench-coat wearing, Kafka-reading university boys. Affect a theatrical, fatalistic air as if they were a protagonist in a Greek tragedy.
Cucumber – Smart, cool girls with long hair, no makeup and some hippy tendencies. Can be witty and droll or earnest and intense. Most likely become feminists, journalists, lawyers or animal liberationists. Generally pair with zucchinis but can find their nihilism depressing.
Onion – Androgynous and multi-layered. They have an unexplained X quantity, an air of mystery and enigma, and can veer wildly from quiet introspection to boorish loudness. Onions consume vast quantities of drugs and alcohol and roam around muttering vaguely ominous things about the futility of life and the human condition in general. However underneath all this lies a surprisingly romantic and optimistic core.
Tomato – Wannabe fruit who epitomizes the quintessential social climber. A zealous schmoozer/networker who is always looking over his/her shoulder for someone higher up the ladder to talk to. The tomato is complimentary and is friends with everyone but is secretly trusted by no one.
Lettuce – All those remotely annoying, bland, gossipy, venal, spiteful, boring, droning, soul-sucking personalities. Culprits: the idiotic gum-chewing salesgirl, the boorish football fan or the girl on the train with the phone glued to her ear whose complete vocabulary consists of “like Omigod!”
Potato – Overweight, Nintendo-playing, comic-book reading, computer-obsessed net freaks, often in the form of adolescent boys. Their feminine ideal being Xena: Warrior Princess or Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.
Dreaming of being a strawberry or finding an avocado? Sick of potatoes? Surrounded by lettuce? Never despair, the fruit and vegetable world is incestuous, rampant with cross-breeding and transition is always possible.