Do you believe in Asexuality? - Page 4 - MensTennisForums.com

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post #46 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Originally Posted by Mark Lenders View Post
It's impossible to make any judgement from such limited information. For starters, how old is the guy (and the girl)?
he is 28.5, she is 27 they are together 18 month.

i thought about everything all of u said but maybe he has a problem and he is shy about it?

Hug it out as long as it takes, people
--------------------------------------------
"People were created to be loved
things were created to be used.
The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved, and people are being used."

"יברכך ה' וישמרך,יאר ה' פניו אליך ויחונך,ישא ה' פניו אליך וישם לך שלום"
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post #47 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:23 PM
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Originally Posted by Punky View Post
he is 28.5, she is 27 they are together 18 month.

i thought about everything all of u said but maybe he has a problem and he is shy about it?
Ok, next question: why did they suddenly stop having sex? I mean, you said they did in the first three months of their relationship but it lasted 18 months, that makes it 15 sexless months. Did the guy tell her after three months he was asexual, did it just happen naturally and the relevation came after your friend couldn't take it anymore or...?

Either way, just like in any relationship or friendship, honesty is the key here. Any relationship is doomed from the very start if both parties can't be honest with each other. If you want to help them, convince the guy to open up with your friend somehow. If they truly love each other and feel their relationship might be worth saving, the only solution is full disclosure and honesty. They need to talk about it, as they found out there's only so long you can avoid such big issues in a relationship, they eventually come back to haunt you.

I'd say there's a very good chance the guy himself doesn't know what exactly his problem is, he's probably scarred and confused and frustrated, that's normal. But if he can't trust his 18-month girlfriend with whom he apparently had a great relationship to help him through this, who can he trust? He needs to let go of his pride (if that is even the issue) and open up, it never helps to keep your problems to yourself, especially when there are people willing to offer help and support.

The way I see it, the only real solution to this situation is to encourage both of them (namely the dude) to improve their communication, be fully honest with each other... Regardless of what their problem is, if they do love each other, there's probably a solution. It is indeed hard for a relationship to survive without sex, but it is even harder, actually impossible, for it to survive if both parties can't be honest with each other and fully trust each other, sex is the least of their problems.

Just my two cents.
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post #48 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:23 PM
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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he is 28.5, she is 27 they are together 18 month.

i thought about everything all of u said but maybe he has a problem and he is shy about it?
Maybe if they were a young and/or new couple, but they are almost 30 and have spent nearly 2 years together; doesn't seem very likely.

“There’s so many athletes, tennis players around the world,” he continued, trying to put his life into some kind of perspective, “they want to be the best in what they do. They want to succeed. Many of them, they don’t succeed in the end. I’m fortunate to have this opportunity and succeed.”
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post #49 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:28 PM
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

So many psychologists and psychiatrists on MTF.
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post #50 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:31 PM
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Originally Posted by Punky View Post
he is 28.5, she is 27 they are together 18 month.

i thought about everything all of u said but maybe he has a problem and he is shy about it?
18 months and no sex?It's very simple, guy is either impotent or gay.
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post #51 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Maybe if they were a young and/or new couple, but they are almost 30 and have spent nearly 2 years together; doesn't seem very likely.
they are a year and a half together, they do not live together or see each other every moment
i didnt think its normal and she told me they stop having sex more then a year ago, he was 27 and she was 25.5


thats very young.

they stop doing it after 3 months.

Hug it out as long as it takes, people
--------------------------------------------
"People were created to be loved
things were created to be used.
The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved, and people are being used."

"יברכך ה' וישמרך,יאר ה' פניו אליך ויחונך,ישא ה' פניו אליך וישם לך שלום"
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post #52 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Originally Posted by nick the greek View Post
18 months and no sex?It's very simple, guy is either impotent or gay.
i tent to think he is impotent...

is it normal at 27 (he was 27 when they stop) to be impotent?

Hug it out as long as it takes, people
--------------------------------------------
"People were created to be loved
things were created to be used.
The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved, and people are being used."

"יברכך ה' וישמרך,יאר ה' פניו אליך ויחונך,ישא ה' פניו אליך וישם לך שלום"
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post #53 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:36 PM
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

Since when did MTF become an 'agony aunt'?
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post #54 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:38 PM
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Originally Posted by Punky View Post
i tent to think he is impotent...

is it normal at 27 (he was 27 when they stop) to be impotent?
It's not normal at all! Besides, she would know if he was impotent. They would have tried to have sex and failed.
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post #55 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Originally Posted by Mark Lenders View Post
Ok, next question: why did they suddenly stop having sex? I mean, you said they did in the first three months of their relationship but it lasted 18 months, that makes it 15 sexless months. Did the guy tell her after three months he was asexual, did it just happen naturally and the relevation came after your friend couldn't take it anymore or...?

Either way, just like in any relationship or friendship, honesty is the key here. Any relationship is doomed from the very start if both parties can't be honest with each other. If you want to help them, convince the guy to open up with your friend somehow. If they truly love each other and feel their relationship might be worth saving, the only solution is full disclosure and honesty. They need to talk about it, as they found out there's only so long you can avoid such big issues in a relationship, they eventually come back to haunt you.

I'd say there's a very good chance the guy himself doesn't know what exactly his problem is, he's probably scarred and confused and frustrated, that's normal. But if he can't trust his 18-month girlfriend with whom he apparently had a great relationship to help him through this, who can he trust? He needs to let go of his pride (if that is even the issue) and open up, it never helps to keep your problems to yourself, especially when there are people willing to offer help and support.

The way I see it, the only real solution to this situation is to encourage both of them (namely the dude) to improve their communication, be fully honest with each other... Regardless of what their problem is, if they do love each other, there's probably a solution. It is indeed hard for a relationship to survive without sex, but it is even harder, actually impossible, for it to survive if both parties can't be honest with each other and fully trust each other, sex is the least of their problems.

Just my two cents.
thank u manuel

i have no idea when they stop, i was ay in to ask her, she said that when they did it in the first 3 months, she didnt enjoy it b/c she find it forced from his side, like he wasnt there.

i have no idea when did he tell her.

he cant talk about it with his gf so with me/ no way
i dont want him to feel bad or Embarrassed.

i will I encourage her to talk to him, to trying again maybe he will open up b/c id he wont, she will break up with him...

i think she should break up with him, maybe it will make him to open up, talk to her or both of them could talk to ppl but from what she told me, he doesnt want to do so.

Hug it out as long as it takes, people
--------------------------------------------
"People were created to be loved
things were created to be used.
The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved, and people are being used."

"יברכך ה' וישמרך,יאר ה' פניו אליך ויחונך,ישא ה' פניו אליך וישם לך שלום"
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post #56 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Originally Posted by The Bulldog View Post
Since when did MTF become an 'agony aunt'?
its the off season

Hug it out as long as it takes, people
--------------------------------------------
"People were created to be loved
things were created to be used.
The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved, and people are being used."

"יברכך ה' וישמרך,יאר ה' פניו אליך ויחונך,ישא ה' פניו אליך וישם לך שלום"
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post #57 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Originally Posted by arm View Post
It's not normal at all! Besides, she would know if he was impotent. They would have tried to have sex and failed.
i will ask her that, i will also ask her if he watch porn or stuff and if he is looking at other woman (or men)

Hug it out as long as it takes, people
--------------------------------------------
"People were created to be loved
things were created to be used.
The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved, and people are being used."

"יברכך ה' וישמרך,יאר ה' פניו אליך ויחונך,ישא ה' פניו אליך וישם לך שלום"
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post #58 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 10:57 PM
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Originally Posted by Punky View Post
thank u manuel

i have no idea when they stop, i was ay in to ask her, she said that when they did it in the first 3 months, she didnt enjoy it b/c she find it forced from his side, like he wasnt there.

i have no idea when did he tell her.

he cant talk about it with his gf so with me/ no way
i dont want him to feel bad or Embarrassed.

i will I encourage her to talk to him, to trying again maybe he will open up b/c id he wont, she will break up with him...

i think she should break up with him, maybe it will make him to open up, talk to her or both of them could talk to ppl but from what she told me, he doesnt want to do so.
Welcome

Ah so they had sex during the first three months, but she didn't enjoy it because it seemed forced from his side and then they stopped, I see.

Their problem seems to be a clear lack of communication/honesty, from the very beginning; I mean, when sex isn't enjoyable, couples are supposed to talk about it and find ways to 'spice things up' and not keeping quiet about it and just stopping sex altogether.

From what you said, outside the bedroom things seem to be going alright, they love being with each other, have a great time together... but they need to be more honest with each other if their relationship is ever to work. This is true between friends, let alone boyfriend and girlfriend. How long did they think their relationship could last if they avoided tackling a big issue like this one?

I didn't mean you should talk to him about his problem, but rather encourage him to open up with his (ex)girlfriend. He needs to do it for his own sake; whatever his problem might be, it's obviously a big issue; he can't expect to ever get into a serious and successful relationship with anyone if he can't be open and honest about it. If he really loves your friend, he needs to trust her; sure, talking to a professional could be an option too, but opening up to those who love you us always bound to bring better results.

As I said, part of the reason why he might be so reluctant to open might be because he doesn't exactly know what's wrong himself, but he must learn to share his doubts, insecurities... he needs to let go of his fears and let people, namely his girlfriend help him. Everyone needs help at some point or another, it's no shame; you should try and make him realize that letting his girlfriend in can only be beneficial for him.
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post #59 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 11:02 PM
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Originally Posted by Punky View Post
i will ask her that, i will also ask her if he watch porn or stuff and if he is looking at other woman (or men)
You're a good friend but you can't solve their problems. It seems to me that you may be trying to solve that a problem that is not yours in the first place, and that is not the right approach. IMO, the best you can do is be therefor your friend and support her regardless of her decision, and try and get her to come to one.

Last edited by arm; 12-02-2012 at 11:40 PM.
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post #60 of 99 (permalink) Old 12-02-2012, 11:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you believe in Asexuality?

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Originally Posted by arm View Post
Your a good friend but you can't solve their problems. It seems to me that you may be trying to solve that a problem that is not yours in the first place, and that is not the right approach. IMO, the best you can do is be therefor your friend and support her regardless of her decision, and try and get her to come to one.
the truth is, b/4 this post i really thought and wanted them to get back together, now after reading all of u (smart ppl in here i swear) i think the best for her is to break up with him, she need and should be love, she deserved better but i think i will take 2 steps back and just listen, i really cant tell her anything b/c i dont get it..

Hug it out as long as it takes, people
--------------------------------------------
"People were created to be loved
things were created to be used.
The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved, and people are being used."

"יברכך ה' וישמרך,יאר ה' פניו אליך ויחונך,ישא ה' פניו אליך וישם לך שלום"
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