I understand. Have fun Cleo!
Thank you. I am having hard time with the start of the semester cause vacation lasted a lot.. Currently in a transition time that needs to end fast and start focusing..
I am also feeling this new guilty all the time, feeling that I made people sad.. I don't know why I feel like this.. It makes me want to jump off the window sometimes, huge guilty feelings that I am wrong and making people sad.. ugh this is new.. Will I ever be a normal person? People say the stigma of mental illness has gone, but it is not true I feel angry and awful and ashamed that I am not normal.. Thank God it is not a physical disease, but it is not good, I have to make lots of accommodations to my life and sometimes I am forced to tell people about my personal struggle.. I think I will give up soon and let it all go.. Whatever I do I can't stop the progression of my mental state.. I have managed to make a personality that deals with the outside world, but I feel guilty all the time, I don't eat much lately and I am losing weight cause I feel guilty if I eat a lot.. I also hate the noise hate voices except birds in the morning hate not being alone when I want.. I feel confused in the morning I feel steady but at night I feel extremely guilty.. I don't know what to do, please don't tell me go see a doctor I saw one before, it didn't change any thing, I once tried the drug they gave me it made me okay but it also made me sleepy and I am afraid of the side effects, I stopped it completely..
Well I think I should just be more grateful.. I could have been having a very terrible disease, or be very poor..
I had the best time last month when I was just sleeping in the dark not eating or drinking for 2 days.. Unfortunately they opened the door by force when I didn't reply.. I was hoping I will just sleep forever.. Death is the right thing that should happen to me.. I should just first burn my papers so no one reads it after my death.. Peace, I am just looking for peace.. normal life has become more than I can withstand, what really annoys me is God hating death when it is the answer, I am afraid even if my existence in this life ended I will start another immortal one.. I want to end not just die..