Originally Posted by Rafarta&Grigorior♥
I feel like the more i want my dad to realized how much i want to love him more and to appreciate him, the more i just realized that he will never be the loving dad i always wanted him to be. Ever since i was in my mom's belly my dad was on drugs, i was born impaired which was the fact that i had a speech delay. My dad was so controlling and so demanding that he thinks that what he did to my mom and to my brothers and to me this only girl and disabled child that he was right and all but the truth is, it has left this family living a lie and scarred for life. My mom told me that my dad has messed up so much in our lives. That he really didnt want to take care of you, he wasnt there for you for 2 years of your life. So thats why i was sent to my auntie Vanessa's house to live with her for 3 years because of the fact that my dad never wanted to take care of me and to love me. In elementary i kept begging him to help me with homework and begging him to take me to the park with him to play basketball, but all he wants to do is do drugs and hang out with his friends. And here i am as a disabled child dont have daddy to love me and support me the way a daddy should do. Here my mom is doing all the work and trying her best to love me and support me more while my daddy doesnt wanna do anything for anybody but himself. In middle school and high school my anger with him escalated. Hes yelling at me calling me names telling me stupid things that i should not here. He was so harsh to me at times where i was trying to tell him that im not feeling well mentally. I would wanna rebel against him. But i wasnt the type of person to do that. Im more of a person who lets the other person win instead of me defending myself. I didnt have that many friends in school, people look at me weird. Even in church i wasnt really liked there at all by people because i was too quiet and too weird. So in middle school and high school i would isolate myself from the world, i didnt wanna do anything with anybody. I was becoming more suicidal year after year, being negitive to myself and harming myself mentally and let others ruin me and letting them control me with their pity foolishness. I wanted my dad to be there for me. But even though he would hug me, i knew it was a lie, the moment he hug me i knew it was a lie, he never hug me like this when i was young. He would treat my mom with disrespect and do it in front of me and my brothers and my grandparents too. But in 2003, when i was 14, my auntie whom took care of me when i was 3-5 years old, died of cancer when i was 14. She was like a second mother to me and took care of me better than my dad. My auntie hated my dad for what he did to his family, and put them through suffer of his dirty deeds. At the time of my auntie's death i didnt think it was real, i always loved my auntie, but i never thought that she would die the way she did. I was sad very sad. I then isolated myself from my friends and family. I remember that i was told by my counselor in 2007 that i couldnt walk the stage because i didnt have enough credits to walk the stage. That was one of my dreams was to walk the stage with a cap and gown and say i achieved something in my life. I had to do so much work because of my fall back in 11th grade that put me behind in credit, i injured my ankle for stupid reasons. My dad wasnt there of course to understand what i was going through, he never asked me what happen to you in school did anybody treat you ok or just how are you feeling? It makes me so frustrated that this guy sits in the house not doing anything for us and hasnt even said sorry. But in March of 2011, we decided to leave him for good. My mom was sick and tired of his nonsense and his foolishness and his disrespectfulness towards the whole family. Today this day my mom was on the phone with my dad because he called to just talk to my mom. I was in my mom's room trying to help her out with something. Mom told me to say hi to your dad. I did say hi to him, but he replied and said "You didnt wanna say hi to me, if you did you wouldve said hi to me a long time ago". Yes i didnt say hi to him in a long time, but its hard for me to talk to him because of the pain and suffering i had to endure with this man. He and i relationship has crumbled. I wanted to say that you dont know what its like to be in my shoes, you dont know how much you hurt my family and me especially, im the only girl with a disability that you have and you never loved me the way i wanted you to love me. You never supported me in the hard times i had. You never even thought about me. My mom told me that when you called her you never asked how the whole family including me was doing. How the hell am i suppose to talk to a person if you dont ask how a person is doing? How the hell am i suppose to talk to you about my situation and the depression that i have right now and you fire back at me with a disrespectful response. I had to tell myself, "Dee maybe you should expect your father to not say hi to you in a nice way, your father doesnt love you. He said to people that his family was living a perfect life and we love each other so much. But it was all a lie and you will never be healed from the pain and lie we lived."
Daddy, why dont you love me, i dont understand, what have i ever done to you?
Oh, poor Dee, hard to believe that you were/are in this bad situation
. I always thought you are a girl who lives a good life as you appear to be so lively and happy
I have a bad dad who never paid any attention to us but gambling, smoking and drinking, he is still ruining me (he just lives 5 minutes of walk from me and its not easy for me to sell the house to avoid him). I won't ask why he didn't treat me well or wanted him to love me coz its his problem and many people are just borned evil. I think differently with you as I don't need his love. All I want is for him to disappear completely from my life but sadly I am still waiting for that day. You have your mother and siblings who loved you, and we love you too, why the need of the love of this bastard?