After going through this entire thread, this is a good thing. Your mentality and attitude toward food is really unhealthy - if you want to keep weight off and look good you can still eat waaaay more than you're currently eating.
Also, as someone else mentioned, the body needs fat to function. And if you want to look good, you need to include some fat, because people who are too skinny don't look good either.
I've never really realized/though of my mentality towards food as being unhealthy, really until I got here. Is it delusion, is it ignorance, I don't know. I've never seen myself as hating food or anti-food but maybe I am. I'm still focused about eating healthy but the past week has been a lot of fun and I'm just enjoying eating what I like to eat. That's a good thing, I know. But I would still trade it all in for the perfect look. Right now it's just not in my mind----tennis has actually preoccupied my mind and I think that's probably why I've been focusing less on my looks.
I agree about being too skinny not being attractive. I've honestly been borderline scared of fat.........in the sense that, if I see something that has much or any fat at all, I'll flat out run away from eating it. Completely will not eat it and will delete it as an option to eat from my mind. I've always thought I can maintain a healthy-but-thin weight while also cutting fat, that I can have little-to-no fat at all but also look cut and trim, without being gaunt. It's going to be hard for me to change, I have to change my mentality towards fat to feel comfortable about eating some. Even right now I feel a little uncomfortable talking about it.
Your earlier posts sound like a classic case of anorexia in the early stages - that disease centres around severely controlling food and calorie intake to the point that it becomes your whole identity, and you feel good/bad based on what you've eaten.
Your self-esteem shouldn't come from food/not eating, because there is so much more to you as a person than what you eat and how you look.
I think my self-esteem revolves more around looks than eating...........that's why I've never really seen myself as having an eating disorder or being anti-food, because everything comes back to looks for me. At the same time I do agree and see what you're saying, that my identity and how I feel about myself many days comes down to solely what I eat. Well, if I eat something I think will hurt my looks. And that sort of paranoia isn't a good thing, reading up on the symptoms of anorexia I definitely have fit some of the traits and that's sort of weird to think about. I know there is more to me than my looks but even right now when I'm not really thinking about my looks, I still see it as my #1 attribute. I still think about working up, getting in perfect shape and looking sexy. The problem I guess comes in where I guess I don't really like the way I look which is why I'm so obsessive and paranoid over it.
Out of curiosity - what are the other things that you care about? Family/friends, school/career, hobbies?
The #1 thing I care about are my friends who I absolutely love and adore and get me through the bad times, and my community, the gay community, and our straight allies. By a wide margin, it's the #1 thing I care about. LGBTQ children in schools, LGBTQ homeless, HIV within the gay community, all the serious issues, all the minor issues. Also I care about my grandmother deeply because she's basically the one who I look up to, the one who took the most/best care for me when I was young, and I love her so much for everything she's done for me.
Some of your posts also sound as though you're suffering from some depression (feeling numb, etc.), which is something that I've had to deal with in the past. Not eating & sleeping enough definitely plays a role in that, and it might partly explain why you're fixated on your looks to the exclusion of everything else.
I definitely think I suffer from a depression to some extent. I think sometimes I'm too emotionally vulnerable and sensitive for my own good. The stories about gay teens committing suicide, and gay bashings across the world, politicians going out of their way to denigrate and discriminate against the gay community, the fact we're not respected as a community as other groups are and there is still so much ignorance surrounding the issue of homosexuality. That has a severe impact on my view of the world and life in general. It makes me uptight a lot, and it makes me anxious. More than that, it makes me sad. And it's not even a personal thing since I've never personally been discriminated against ever and my friends all love me and accept me. But it's like I don't feel totally free. Even on this forum, I've been attacked on NUMEROUS occasions on the basis of my sexuality. It makes me feel like an outcast, and misunderstood. And then I feel foolish for caring so much. I try not to care and I say I don't care, sometimes I succeed, but other times like right now, I feel hurt and sadness.
Does that end up coming back to my looks and why I'm so fixated on that? Maybe, I guess, I'm really not sure. I don't tend to think of anything else but my appearance when I get in those zones where I focus solely on my looks. I just think about being hot. Thinking about that now, I feel pretty not OK about that and mad at myself a bit because I think I represent the gay community badly when I act like that, and I feel like it's degrading to the gay community and to myself. But I love the attention my looks give me, and I'm extremely conscious about it whenever I go out anywhere.
Anyway, that was a really long post, and it sounds as though you're already easing up with the food, so that's a really good sign. I wish you all the best.
Thank you, long is fine, it means you have a lot of constructive thoughts going through your head and that's a great thing! I'm just living, trying to at least. It's hard sometimes, and I should count myself lucky, I could have it SOOOOO much worse. I'm not sure if I'm actually happy or not. I have to figure that out, figure out if I'm missing something in my life, if I'm really empty or not. I don't know, it's crazy, a lot of thoughts and emotions. The food thing is still there, but as of right now it's not a focus so I guess it's good. As long as my mind and taste buds are totally desiring pasta that's basically what I'm going to keep eating.