You're attitude towards food is very negative. Essentially, cutting back after one or two indulgences does nothing for your weight and/or metabolism. In fact cutting back shocks your body into a fat preservation mode as it has had a minimal amount of caloires to fuel basic everyday functions. Essentially, I would say you do have a eating disorder of some sort, but it's good that you recognise this pattern of eating as potentially dangerous, understanding is the first stage of developing a healthy diet.
Oh, I've known the entire time that my eating habits aren't healthy
I've just basically traded health for appearance. I made the conscious choice to put everything else to the side and focus on my looks. I also agree, that ultimately, not eating anything after eating a lot is actually harmful and causes your body to retain the fat from the food you did indulge in. Therefore, I'm just going to stop indulging and eat a moderate amount every day and I won't have to worry about any of this.
If you want to keep your weight down for purely cosmetic reasons then, calculate your BMR (base metabolic rate) then from that use a simple equation to calculate your calorie needs for a sedentry day, if you keep within your limit you will maintain and even lose a little weight. Calories in/Calories out is the fundamental rule of weight loss, you will have a set limit and anything over that limit you will begin to gain weight. For a healthy average man, the calorie needs falls in around 2200-2500 a day depending on height and weight. If you do a little exercise or even alot that amount increases and if you eat no more you will lose weight. Weight loss is a numbers game.
OK, so I did the calculations, and it says I have to eat over 2000 calories, which sounds disgusting. I haven't had more than 1200-1500 at most in A LONG TIME. And if I plan on indulging a bit during the day, I don't eat anything other than that indulgence to keep calories down. Calories in/calories out, that's been my focus, and I've been eating a low amount of calories; that leads to weight loss. Weight loss is a numbers game, but the numbers you have to play to be healthy and lose weight are where I get tripped up. Because I'd like to lose weight as easily and quickly as possible without doing any work.
It's all in my head. Everything you've said I've known. I can eat 1800 calories a day, and still maintain and lose weight, but since I'm underweight, my body will start grasping onto the food I eat if I start really boosting my food intake and I'll gain weight. I've been eating like this for approaching 2 years now. Your metabolism readjusts itself and your body needs less to survive on once you eat the way I have for the extended period I have.
Also, it's crazy, but I have no clue how I could eat 2000+ calories a day, or how anyone could, unless they eat garbage. It honestly makes me want to throw up thinking about.
But my third point is, if you exercise moderately everyday (say, 30 mins a day) you will be able to eat a normal varied diet with some indulgences and not even have to worry about weight gain, don't beat yourself up over what is considered to be beautiful or not. Exercise, enjoy the good things in life and you'll be a more attractive person.
The exercising is the main key. I am going to force myself to exercise, because I have to, to get in the best shape possible, and tone my body. But I don't see exercise as a justification to dramatically boost food intake or start eating foods I've cut out. I think that eating a moderate amount AND working out is best because now you will lose weight in both ways, from diet and from working out, plus you'll gain tone and look sharp.
I shouldn't beat myself up about what is considered beautiful, but for me, I can't enjoy life if I don't feel beautiful. Beauty is what makes life grand, in general. That's why I am so focused on my looks more than anything else. Beauty, whether physical beauty, the beauty of an individuals' personality, whatever the case may be, is what separates a truly attractive person from the rest of the crowd.
Thank you, you have helped a lot and I've figured out how I'm going to plan my entire food situation now!