You’re very brave for sharing your story. I hope you’re able to find some new ideas through what everyone shares with you. If you’re not already, I also agree with everyone else that you should start seeing a counselor too to help you through some of this. It really is a big deal and warrants seeing a professional just the same as if you had a broken limb.
For what it’s worth, I’ll also share some thoughts too. First, none of what happened is your fault. It sounds like your family was in a lot of pain and maybe didn’t know how to express it, so it got taken out on you. It wasn’t your fault that these were the circumstances of your mother’s death. I’m sure you know that logically, but emotionally I would imagine that it’s a different story.
I hope that just expressing how you feel through writing this helped you to heal a little. I can’t relate to your circumstances, but I can relate to receiving messages throughout my life that led me to believe I was unlovable and unlikeable. I’ve found that life feels really differently when I finally allowed myself to decide how I feel, rather than allowing others to do that for me or my negative perception about myself to do that. Even though things still hurt from time to time, I don’t let negative things from my life define who I am.
Oftentimes I think that we tell ourselves negative things and they’re not necessarily true. The fact is that each one of us gets to choose how we view ourselves and the world. You know how when something happens that it’s possible to make up three different stories that could all be true about what happened? Well, I think that the same is true for our own lives. The messages you received about yourself when you were young (probably because your family was grieving over the loss of your mother and didn’t know how to process or express it) sound like they were very negative. I would imagine that a lot of negative things were directed at you because from their standpoint, you symbolized something that took away someone they loved. When people don’t know how to express grief, it often comes out as anger. Again, none of that is your fault. If your family members still have negative feelings that don’t belong to you that they direct at you, then that’s their choice. It doesn’t have to become how you feel about yourself.
It’s really tough to change our perceptions of ourselves when they’ve been engrained for so long. But I think to change those, it just takes practice, practice, and more practice until it becomes more natural to do. It’s easier said than done, I know. It would be easier if we could change other people, but we can only change ourselves. Try to love yourself and surround yourself with people who care about and love you and are able to express that to you. You can always try to reach out to your family members, but if they’re not able or willing to meet you half way then you don’t really have any choice but to just move on and if they come around, they do.
You’re definitely a fighter. Please don’t ever give up. And when you feel like giving up, tell yourself to hang on for one more day. And reach out to people close to you. You’ll be glad you did and so will the people in your life who love you.