These stories were written a few years ago, so forgive the writing. And yes, they are true. Feel free to add some of your own.
Those among you who have been sexually active for a few years will no doubt have your own tales from between the bed sheets. Some might be funny, some might be embarrassing, and some might even be painful. I doubtless have a few more hidden somewhere in the back of my memory, but the one that immediately springs to mind concerns my short but sweet relationship with a Chinese girl.
At the time of meeting my soon-to-be sexual conquest, I was working at Cooper Turbocompressor and had been sent on a 4 week IT course at Stow College in Glasgow. On the first day, I scanned the room, as one does, hoping to spot some eye candy to befriend, so as to make my 4 week boot camp as painless as possible. Luckily for me, amongst the herd of insular-looking males, I spotted a solitary femme who piqued my interest. She was Chinese, slim and quite stunning, not to mention likely out my league. Always up for a challenge, I sought to woo her with something of a charm offensive. I had no doubts that I was punching ever so slightly above my weight, but I persisted nevertheless. I find that I'm quite adept at disguising my true intentions when I pursue a girl, and so engaged stealth-mode in the hope that this tactic would yet again prove fruitful.
I befriended her initially, and quickly discovered that she was genuinely Chinese, as opposed to being a Scottish-born imposter. Hearing her accent only served to spur me on. "Fuck the IT course," I thought. "My boss will respect the sudden shift in my priorities". After some initial resistance, I achieved a breakthrough. She wanted me to teach her some Scottish colloquialisms. I suggested that we go to the cinema, for once correctly reading a woman's signals. She proved to be tough work, however. I felt the need to push harder than is normal for me. I soon conceded that I would have to chase her and be rather more obvious about my intentions. I did so, and one evening after yet another trip to the cinema, I took the plunge and went in for a snog while we waited for the train. She reciprocated and I quietly rejoiced.
Not so long after this groundbreaking kiss, I reverted to my trademark indifference and her first visit to my house saw her begging me to have sex. I initially resisted, a little through nerves, but mostly because I'm an insufferable tease. I consented eventually and we got to undressing. This was the first of a few revealing moments. Removing her top, I noticed as she raised her arms that she had either neglected to shave or simply did not give a toss. Now, this was simply intriguing more than it was disconcerting. It was unique in my experience, given that I have never shagged anyone before or since who has had more armpit hair than I do. I carried on regardless, surprisingly not the least bit turned off.
As I was about to enter her for the first time, I was reminded of the many Asian porn movies I had witnessed throughout my young life and the way in which the women behaved during intercourse, in contrast to women of other cultures. What I mean by this is that Asian porn stars invariably scream the house down and look like they are in serious pain. I wondered would life imitate "art". It didn't. It surpassed it. My Chinese lady friend more than likely alerted the neighbours, yelping as though I had assaulted her with a pneumatic drill, arms above her head proudly displaying her dedication to remaining natural. This reaction was flattering to say the least. I continued, undeterred by these distractions. Things evolved, as they tend to do, and she hopped on top. As she treated me in the manner one would a pony, she felt this an apt time to initiate the following exchange. I beg of you, forgive the following exchange if it appears offensive, but this was how it went, verbatim.
Her: "Don´t you ruv me?" Me: "What!?" Her: "Rike! Rike! I mean ´Don't you rike me!?´" This was the last straw. I began to giggle quite furiously. We had to stop, as hilarity is not conducive to sexual satisfaction. Luckily she didn´t take offence and we continued to see each other until she moved away to Belgium. Well, I say that she didn't take offence. Then again, she did move to another country a month later.