Ze Amazing Adventurez Of Henman (Part Deux).
Be sure to read ze first installment monsewerz to catch up with these shocking revelationz…
“It’s a, a, a, fancy dress! That’s it! A tennis fancy dress party!”
“And you’re going as a hen?”
“Yes. It’s going to be super mum. Capriati’s going as a beaver, Davenport as a British
bulldog, Robby Ginepri as Mr.Blobby and Elena Baltacha as a successful tennis player.”
“Ok then Timmy. Well off you go, but make sure you’re back by ten for tucking in time.
I’ve got a scary story to tell you tonight about three pigs and a big bad wolf!”
Henman dashez to ze Henmobile (which is actually a mini convertible with a hens head
on ze bonnet, a tail on ze back, and feathery doors, supposed to resemble wingz) and
once inside, callz hiz trusty sidekick, farmer Lucy. (Since Tim iz a hen you understand.
There was considerable debate between ze two as to what a henz sidekick should be,
Tim had argued ze point for hourz zat Lucy should drezz az an egg, but Lucy objected
on ze groundz zat diz would imply that she had emerged from an orifice none too
pleasant, and finally after much heated dispute, a compromise waz reached,
and ze farmer moniker agreed.)
“It’s go time.”
“Not now Tim. I’ve got a terrible headache.”
“No. Not THAT. I mean it’s time to kick some villain ass!”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll be there in a jiffy.”
“What about your headache?”
“It’s suddenly cleared up.”
Five minutez later, Lucy iz seated in ze passenger seat and ze Henmobile
hitz ze dirtiest, meanest, roughest, gangster laden, scumbag ridden,
hoodlum infested streetz of... Oxford.
Soon though, some unrest creepz into ze harmonious relationship of our twin heroes.
“You’re lost again aren’t you?”
“Yes you are. This happens every time. Why won’t you let me drive?”
“Cause I’m Henman! You never saw Robin driving Batmans car! Damn it woman,
hold the map still!”
“Why not just ask for directions?”
“I don’t need directions! It’s just around this corner!”
Five hourz later…
“Here it is!”
Our heroes have stopped at ze curb in a desolated back alley. In front of zem iz
an ominous, foreboding warehouse, decrepit and worn down. A whistling wind
blowz and a threadbare shutter bouncez from ze wall, itz haunting echo ze only
lonely sound in diz otherwise mute, deserted, bloodcurdling scene.
“Lucy,” beginz Henman, aware of ze strange underlying evil, seemingly unspoken,
that lingerz ‘ere, “I’m taking a risk even bringing you on this mission. To bring you
even further, into this rotten warehouse where all manner of evil may lurk; why, it
would be to denounce what every knight in shining armour has stood for since the
dawn of time. To undermine the code of chivalry! To allow a defenceless maiden,
a frail wench, to trod this terrain! Nay, I won’t allow it. This is ultra dangerous.
Stay here, Lucy, stay here. This is a man’s domain. Yes, a man’s domain!
Ha! Some would even say…a Henman’s domain!”
Henman bargez ze door of ze warehouse with hiz shoulder.
“Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! My freaking shoulder!”
He fallz onto ze ground and rollz around, in tearz.
“My shoulder! My shoulder! Mummy! Mummy! My serve! My serve! It’ll be nullified!”
“Tim, you’ve never had a serve.”
Lucy turnz ze knob of ze door.
“Good work farmer Lucy. It seems my superhero strength detached the knob
from the hinges somehow.”
“It’s not the only knob I’d like detached.”
Into ze dark warehouse our heroes venture, cautious and posing like “Charlie’s Angels”.
Ze figure of a man can be made out in ze gloom, silhouetted, against ze remnantz
of daylight, slinking in through ze high warehouse windowz in ze background.
He appearz to be stroking a black cat.
“Ah mister Henman! I’ve been expecting you…although admittedly five hours earlier!
What took you so long!?” sayz ze mysterious form, angrily.
“I was, ahem,” he adjustz hiz hen suit collar, “stuck in traffic.”
Lucy throwz her eyez heavenward.
“Well you could have called! I’ve missed Emmerdale and everything!”
“No matter, no matter. The important thing is you’re here now. And the damsel is
still alive. For though I could have just killed her five hours ago with a swift blow to
the head with a blunt object, I’ve chosen instead to ignore the entire history of super
villains and their downfalls since the beginning of the known universe, and concocted
an over elaborate scheme which will give her a much better chance of being rescued,
and myself a slimmer hope of evading capture, but overall will provide much more
suspense for the reader and give much more liberty to the writer of this ridiculous
“That is fortunate for me isn’t it?”
”Indeed. Anyway, here she is…”
Ze super villain flickz a switch which operatez a spotlight nearby, and once
our heroes have accustomed their eyes to ze glare, they behold ze most
awful thing imaginable…
There, from a rope attached to ze ceiling, draped in a Union Jack flag and with a
preposterous Union Jack hat upon her head, danglez a plump, bored, middle-aged
housewife, scared out of her witz.
“Come on Tim!” she shoutz naively. (Haven’t yearz of disappointment knocked a bit
of sense in to her?”, you ask. And ze unfortunate reply iz “No, shez STILL deluded.” )
Ze villain cacklez.
“Have you seen what she’s above mister Henman?”
Ze villain flickz another switch and alightz a large bowl right below ze damsel.
It consistz of ze most disgusting, vile, nauseating, alarming liquid known to man.
A liquid that haz been ze cause of numerous deathz and panic attackz. A liquid
that with just one tiny sip or drop could defeat ze noblest warrior, send him to hiz
kneez, and to ze darkest abyss eternally.
Nuclear waste? Nay.
Acid? Worse monsewerz…
“No Tim, ” placatez Lucy, “he could have a gun. Who are you anyway?
Unveil yourself coward!”
Ze villain standz up and emergez from ze shadowz, (although notably without a cat,
which suggestz he waz stroking something different entirely, but letz not speculate,
for good tastes sake.)
Henman and Lucy gaze upon hiz face…
DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN...oh wait, diz isn’t Eastenderz.
Will Henman and Farmer Lucy defeat ze evil villain?
Will Henman get back in time for tucking in and ze three little pigz?
Will ze Grosjean be attacked by Elena Baltacha for zat joke in ze fourth line?
Will ze evil villain catch up on Emmerdale via ze omnibus?
Will beetroot juice be taken of ze market due to lack of consumer purchasing?
Will Beatlejuice…erm never mind.
Tune in next time, for more amazing adventurez of…nananananananananananananananana Henman!
Last edited by GrosjeantheGreat; 04-20-2007 at 05:07 PM.