[ Found this at http://tinyurl.com/2b6kfu
Direct from Monte Carlo, TMF has released his latest blog ...
Hello to all you Fedfuckers out there!
After winning yet another Grand Slam title, my tenth in all, I took a
well-deserved holiday in Dubai to relax and recharge my batteries.
Mirka insisted on coming with me, but hey, you can't have everything!
Monday 26th February
What a special day! Today was of course the day when I broke yet
another record, beating Jimmy Connors record of 160 consecutive weeks
at number one. I knew that Jimmy has a very generous nature, and would
be very keen to share this special moment with me, so I decided to
call him that morning to let him give me his congratulations in
person. When he answered the phone, I greeted him with: "Hi Jimmy,
it's the greatest player of all time here". Jimmy replied, "Oh, hi
Pete, how's it going?" How I laughed! As everyone knows, Jimmy has a
great sense of humour, pretending that he did not know who I was when
I called!! Of course this jovial nature always made him a very popular
player on the tour. Even his expletive-riddled insults are made in
jest, although he did possibly overdo the phrase "fucking useless
clowns" when assessing the quality of my opposition during my time at
the top of the rankings! I was about to argue with him on that point,
before realising of course that he is absolutely right!
Although his aggressive behaviour was surprising, I excused Jimbo as
he has recently gone through a very traumatic personal event - yes,
coaching Roddick to an ass-whipping like I gave him in the Australian
Open is enough to leave mental scars on even the strongest person, ha
My next tournament was in Dubai itself, which did not go very well
last year as I managed to blow the final to Nadal after thrashing him
in the first set. This was yet another example of my poor play in
"clutch" circumstances, a huge weakness in my game as I always piss
myself when a game goes to a final set! Fortunately I am rarely forced
to play tight matches, due to
the poor standard of my opponents, otherwise my record would be full
of chokes in close situations - ha ha!!
In return for being arsed to play in Dubai, I am usually allowed to
"influence" the draw slightly. This usually involves placing a player
who beats Nadal on hard courts into his half of the draw so stop him
making the final, and beating me. In recent tournaments, this has
become easier as there are so many of these players to choose from!
However, I decided that my old friend "Colonel" Youzhny should have
another crack after dumping Nadal out of the US Open last year, and he
did his job again. Nice one Dinky!
I moved on to Indian Wells for the first Masters event of the year, a
tournament which I have dominated in recent years. Arriving in
California, I was keen to get some decent practice in against a
quality player, but no-one was available. Annoyingly however, I was
continually plagued by calls from Pete Sampras, begging for an
opportunity to have a hit with a player of my level. Eventually, I
conceded and agreed to a short hit, provided that I played left-handed
to even things up a little. When Pete arrived at the court, I could
hardly believe it - he must have been playing a lot of golf recently,
as he looked totally out of shape - even Mardy Fish looked fitter, for
goodness sake! What a waste of time this would be!
Pete apologised as he had not brought any tennis balls. "I've got some
new golf balls, they any good?, ha ha!" Obviously I had no balls, as
Mats Wilander will testify. Pete generously sent me to the pro shop
with his credit card to buy a coupla new cans. "No need to ask what
your card PIN number is - 7543?" I asked. "Hey, you got it, Rog!!" I
bet Pete uses this number for everything, including his security
alarms - maybe I will break into his house next time he is away and
steal all his Wimbledon trophies - but hey, why bother, in another few
years I will have more than he's got anyway!
Pete served first, and I reckoned I would go easy on him at the start,
to get his confidence going. He hit a couple of mishit serves at 130
mph on the lines to win the first game - hmmm, pretty lucky, I
thought. Still, his return game was always known to be shit, so no
need to worry. Nice and hard to his backhand and he's in trouble -
that's what everyone says. What a surprise when he hit some clean
backhand winners off my serves! Shit - he's better than I thought. Not
only that, he chipped my second serves back and was all over the net,
hitting fantastic volleys from all angles - the sign of an all-time
great, to be sure. OK, move him around a bit, he's much slower than he
used to be. No joy there - when I got him wide, he hit winners off
that running forehand - lots of "wow" shots. What a nightmare - he was
making me look like a beginner!!
Frantically searching for an excuse, I mumbled "Jeez, these new
strings I'm trying are really hard to get used to". However I also
noticed that Pete was not using his normal racket which he played with
during his career. "Yeah - Wilson gave me this new thing to try, but I
can't play with it at all". Bollocks!!! I feigned a hamstring injury
rather than endure further humiliation, and I don't think Pete was
overly impressed with my game! He even called Todd Martin to try to
get a better
workout - what a cheek!
Pete explained his philosophy on tennis to me afterwards - "You need
to peak for the slams, and play half-arsed everywhere else - that's
how I was so successful" he said. I replied that I was winning slams
as well as all the other tournaments, so didn't think much of his
God, cleaning up on the clown circuit is getting so boring -
fortunately there are other interesting things to do, like playing
golf - my friend Tim Henman is quite a good player, and of course
Sampras plays a lot, since he such a boring person that he has no
other interests in life! Of course my New Best Friend Tiger is quite
good as well. I phoned Ivan Lendl for a game, as he has played in
professional tournaments. He wasn't impressed when I beat him!
Strangely Ivan plays left-handed - I joked that I could play him at
tennis left-handed and still beat him! Ivan laughed and politely told
me to fuck off.
Mirka called with news of my draw for Indian Wells. "You've got an
Argentine drug cheat in the first round" she said. Well, that doesn't
narrow it down very much, does it? Maybe it's Coria attempting a
comeback with an underarm serve - ha ha!! "No, it's Willy Canas" she
replied. Hmmm. He's a terrible bumrooter with no talent whatsoever,
just the sort of guy I struggle against. He also has an annoying habit
of not giving up at the first hint of trouble, unlike most of the
other players!! I think I'd better get a bit of practice in for this
one against a player of his type. I called Tony and asked him if he
could think of a clay-court specialist to practice with who grinds
away with big topspin without making mistakes, and who isn't beaten
before he walks on court. "Harold Solomon?" ventured Tony. Hmmm -
sometimes I think Tony needs to get a bit more up-to-date on the
current tennis scene.
Managed to blow the match against Canas - played absolutely terribly.
Still, can't win 'em all, and maybe not a bad thing as all the guys
who normally beat Nadal for me crashed out miserably, allowing him to
reach the final and beat the Joker. Gave me a few more days to work on
my golf handicap, but I suppose I should try to do well at Miami as I
could be in trouble with
the bloody clay season coming up!
When I got to Miami, I went to the players meeting, where all the
bumrooters were very angry about plans to drop some clay events from
the Masters Series. Hardly surprising, I mean these guys would have no
way to make a living if they actually had to play tennis on decent
surfaces, would they? Who really gives a shit about some dumbass clay
tournaments - hopefully they
will be downgraded to challenger status as soon as possible - apart
from Hamburg of course as I have won it three times! Still, I signed
the petition - good for the public image, and I might need the ranking
After disposing of a couple of imbeciles in the first two rounds, I
phoned Tony to ask his advice about the best tactics to use against
Canas - he seemed surprised to hear from me. "Shit, is it the French
already?". After a long period of deep thinking on various technical
areas, he replied "Canas? Fuck sake mate, some half-decent serve and
volleying would take that bumrooter out in no time". Hmmm, not quite
what I was looking for.
Inexplicably I lost again - how could this happen? I managed to blow
the match after being 3-1 up in the third set. I kept reminding Canas
during chageovers that he was supposed to fold up but he wouldn't
listen - don't pretend you don't understand English, you learnt it to
read all those documents! He even refused the offer of a slug from my
special energy drink, with just enough illegal substances to get him
banned from the game for another year or two - I must remember not to
drink from that one myself, what an unfortunate mistake that would
I challenged Tony on his pre-match advice - "Well, I did say *decent*
serve and volleying, mate!" he replied. He obviously forgot that I
suck badly at that aspect of the game - surely a good coach would know
that? He gave me a tape of Laver playing Rosewall in the AO final
about a million years ago to study good serve-volley technique, but I
feel asleep after one game. Tony also revealed that he would not be at
Wimbledon this year. "Thank God for that!" I replied. "Having an ugly
bastard like you around is terrible for my public image!". Tony
replied, "Well, does that mean that Mirka won't be going either
then?". Ha ha - Tony always had a very dry wit. This is all academic
anyway, as I will probably have sacked him by that time after not
winning the French again.
I said to Mirka that we must get to Monte Carlo very early now, at
least two weeks before the tournament. "Yes Roger" she replied, "it's
a very sensible idea to allow as much preparation time as possible on
clay before a gruelling season". I laughed heartily. "What the fuck
are you on about? I'm going to meet a few Formula One stars, laze
about Boris Becker's pad, and mess about on some luxury yachts owned
by other people who are nearly as famous as I am!" (Maybe I'll even
get to shag a couple of royals - that ginger one is always up for it!
Of course I'll have to give Mirka the slip first!)
Mirka seemed worried about this. "But your dominance could be finished
unless you work hard to win all the events, not just the Grand
Slams!!" I gently explained "No! I have seen the light! The great
Sampras has convinced me of the error of my ways! No more will I give
a shit about half-arsed tune-ups, only the slams matter!" I
immediately went to my enormous trophy room and threw out all of my
non-slam trophies, just as Jimmy Connors did a few years ago, although
of course even my non-slam titles were much more prestigious that his
were - ha ha!
Anyway, time to sign off - my flight to Monaco leaves shortly. Look
out for me at the clay events in Monte Carlo and Rome, but don't
expect to see me for too long! I'll be the one crashing out in the
first round to a complete bozo! Losing early is the name of the game
from now on! I'll turn up at Roland Garros, implement Tony's genius
masterplan and waltz off with the title and tennis immortality! Tony's
promised to get that plan to me any day now, can't think what the hold-
up might be ...
Farewell, and remember my new motto - the only good arse is half an