I confess to ripping this off from the TW website. This is the work of Dilettante. Funny stuff.
1. A quality that allows a player to being better than the rest, despite the number of matches which that player doesn’t win. [i.e: “Pete Sampras won 14 slams but Jean Luc Rodriguez-Hillbilly (sorry, who?) had insane loads of talent”]
2. Ability of making smooth-motioned and good-looking shots, no matter if a high percentage of those shots happens to send the ball to the parking lot.
1. Favourite player (of a specific MTF poster) who doesn’t win as much as that specific MTF poster would like to, but he’s still better than the rest.
2. Favourite player (of a specific MTF poster) who once did beat a big name, so he proved his superiority for ever and never and that won’t change no matter how many bagels he eats from big names in the future.
1. Talented player who smashes rackets.
2. Talented player who gets pissed, depressed or just quits when he´s losing a match, and who could have *clearly* won if he wouldn’t get pissed, depressed or if he wouldn’t quit.
3. Player that never loses a match. He just generously grants the match away.
1. Cos I said so.
Would, should, could:
2. Strongest possible argument.
1. One of the only two possible outcomes for a match: you win, or you choke.
2. When a specific MTF poster’s favourite player had an advantage (match ball, set ball, break ball, point ball, or when he’s just talented --> see “talented”) and doesn’t capitalize it. That proves the player is better than the rival, no matter if the rival is actually able to capitalize his own advantages.
1. Player that lost a match but you wanted him to win so bad, didn’t you?
1. According to a Nadtard, any poster that says good things about Roger Federer.
1. According to a Fedtard, any poster that says good things about Rafael Nadal.
1. Any surface on which Rafael Nadal wins a tournament. Clay can be red, blue, green, grey, low bouncing, high bouncing, with leaves on it or covered by cement (it doesn’t matter, clay’s still there).
1. Wimbledon’s surface, which maliciously simulates a living vegetal form of life (it grows on soil, it has leaves, it makes photosynthesis, it produces oxygen) but it happens to be just clay.
1. According to rafael Nadal’s fans, period of time Nadal takes between points. According to a clock, that period can extend from 25 seconds to 35 weeks.
1. Disease that allows Roger Federer to win sometimes, and to “not to lose” the rest of the time. When Roger wins, Roger wins. When Roger loses, mono didn’t allow him to win.
1. Unlike Mono, she allows Roger Federer to win, but doesn’t allow him to do any other single thing alone.
Serve and Volley
1. Best and most effective, reliable and powerful style of tennis, no matter if a S&V player didn’t win a challenger for 700 years.
2. Real tennis. Non S&V tennis needs to be renamed something else (teeNeZ, te@n@s, Pong).
1. Non-S&V teeNeZ.
All court game.
1. When a MTF poster likes a player, automatically this player has an All Court Game, no matter what the heck having an All Court Game means.
2. Tennis style which is better because it has the word “all” on it, and nothing can be better than “all”.
1. Eternal, immutable and carved in stone condition which happens to change every 1/2 weeks.
2. Favourite player of a MTF poster.
3. According to many, a player who has the biggest talent ever (no prove necessary) and who will eventually come back from the dead and blow away the whole competition by 6-0, 6-0, 6-0 (and 6-0) because when he’s on he just could sweep God from the court. That is: Marat Safin.
1. Everything Andy Roddick does on court, no matter if he wins or loses.
1. Everything Richard Gasquet does on court, no matter if he wins or loses.
2. Said what?
1. Miracolous State of Grace when a player from 80 centuries ago could dominate the actual competition.
Prime vs. Prime
~noun vs. ~noun
1. MTF's most succesful “Quantum Leap” TV series’ adaptation.
1. Scientific prove that an old player who retired because he was no longer dominant, could come back and sweep today’s weak competition.
2. Extend of Pete Sampras domination beyond time and space.
1. What every player should do after losing any given single match.
2. What Marat Safin shouldn’t *ever* do because he’s the GOAT and he will just come back and make a badass PWNAGE of the entire ATP field.
1. Things that your favourite player’s rival does during match (i.e. breathing, having loud heart beats, staring before opponent’s serve).
1. Things that your favourite player’s rival does during match, in case your favourite player loses that match (i.e. breathing too strong on purpose, having loud heart beats on purpose, wearing contact lens in order to reflect the sunrays directly to the opponent’s eyes to make him miss the shot).
1. Anything a player says in the press conference after losing a match and doesn’t sound like “my rival PWNED me badly”, “my rival is a god and I couldn’t win while being so in awe with his divine light”, “I was 100% today, absolutely ON, healthier than ever, totally focused, no mono, no tiredness, no headcase, but I would never won this match because my rival is the ultra-GOAT and his mother looks like Scarlett Johansson and his coach is Einstein and I praise him every night before going to sleep and I’m so thankful for having the honour of being arse-kicked by him”.
2. Anything a player says in the press conference after losing a match unless it sounds like “I was threatened by the Mafia not to win this match, and I wasn’t focused because my girlfriend ran away with Radek Stepanek, and my coach ran away with all my earnings, and my whole family died yesterday in a plane crash while coming to see this match, and during this morning’s medical routine I found out to be dying of a strange disease that came to Earth in a meteorite”.
3. Every time Venus Williams says something.
1. According to fedtards: Malicious, manipulative and ambitious Dr. Frankenstein that took a poor, hungry kid from the slums of the desolate swamps of Mallorca (see also Mordor Islands) and made him a #1 by forcing him to swap right hand for left hand after years of painful Conan-like trainings that took place in an isolated cell somewhere under a shantytown, where the kid only was able to eat steroid-fed worms that left him a permanent butt itching.
2. According to Nadtards: modern Mahatma Gandhi that took a poor, hungry kid from the slums of the desolate swamps of Mallorca and made him #1 by teaching him the ways of love, peace, humility, kindness,
3. According to the rest: that guy that played in a Barcelona’s cricket team or something.
1. Condition in which Roger Federer win all four majors.
1. Condition in which Rafael Nadal win all four majors.
Pre-Open Era Tennis
1. Heroic past when players (holding bamboo made racquets) developed The Real Tennis on volcanic stony plains despite being hound by atrocious fire-throwing dragons.
2. Black and white Youtube joke where two immobile players make sissy moonballing groundstrokes for ages, until one of them feels he could start to sweat and that would ruin his facial make-up, and he makes an unforced error on purpose in order to run to the shade seat. And man, that didn't look like my tennis videogames at all.
3. There was no tennis then until it was brought from the future by Jimmy Connors, the brother of John Connor, that guy from "Terminator".
Open Era Tennis
1. Disgusting era when a bunch of spoiled, whining brats choke match after match despite being armed with Superpower Intelligent Ultragraphite Racquets From Future.
Head to Head
1. Scientific procedure to decide who’s the GOAT (i.e: Nadal beat Federer, who beat Sampras, who beat McEnroe, who beat Borg, who beat Laver, etc, etc; therefore Nadal would beat Jesus).
Headcase to Headcase
1. Scientific analysis to prove which player would have been the GOAT in the wonder world of Talent.
2. Scientific analysis to prove David Nalbandian is the current #1 despite what chaotic, arbitrary, moronic ATP rankings say.
3. ATP statistics in Oz’s website version.
1. Player who wins matches with the same textbook shots that were used by his father, his grandfather, his grand-grandfather and probably by Noah in the ark.
2. Player who wins too much.
1. Player who doesn’t win a freaking match but makes unorthodox, stylish, imaginative strokes such as One-and-a-half-handed backhand, reverse serve, autorreverse forehand, rewind/fast forward forehand, between-legs smash, jumping dropshots and forehead volleys.
2. Fabrice Santoro.
1. For a MTF poster, certain characteristics that a player necessarily has if he/she comes from certain country. In other (stupid, politically correct) boards it may also be called “prejudice”.
I.e, players from these countries are supposed to be:
USA: Spoiled moronic brats that weren’t good enough to play Baseball.
Australia: Spoiled moronic brats that only were good when tennis was played only in Commonwealth.
UK: Spoiled moronic brats that just aren’t good enough for the freakin’ sport they freakin' invented.
Spain: All-day running moronic moonballers that grew up playing in African desert and are afraid of any kind of vegetation (i.e. grass) or any sign of civilization (i.e. hardcourts, indoor).
Argentina: All-day running moronic moonballers that usually get just too pissed and depressed on the 3rd set because Spaniards run more.
Chile: All-day running moronic moonballers that are already depressed in the 1st set because even Argentines run more than them.
Serbia: Disrespectful moronic jerks that make fun of players from other countries.
Croatia: Disrespectful moronic jerks that make fun of players from other countries. But he’s Croatian instead of Serbian.
France: Sissy moronic kids that get scared of playing in front of strangers.
Russia: Blonde moronic girls willing for a Green Card and a Florida model agency contract.
Switzerland: players who speak 17 languages and make a lot of watch commercials. For some strange reason, they don't seem to be moronic.
Sweden: players who speak 17 languages and make a lot of watch commercials and happen to be blonde.
Netherlands: players who speak 17 languages and make a lot of watch commercials and happen to be blonde and you never heard of them before and you never will in the future.
Germany: They used to be good at tennis, but since Berlin Wall was removed, they don’t seem to have a practice place. For God’s sake, build the guys a wall again!
Italy: Really? I though he was from New York, mainly because he doesn’t win a freaking match. He looks moronic anyway.
Japan: I swear I witnessed a promising Japanese player, I saw him, I’m dead serious, but I don’t know what happened to him. But damn, he was good.