deVillier meeting minutes
Notes from the meeting in Monte Carlo have mysteriously been leaked by
an unknown person ...
EDV - Etienne DeVilliers
RF: Roger Federer
RN: Rafael Nadal
IL: Ivan Ljubicic
EDV: Ok guys, thanks for coming. Let's get started - now remember, you
can bring up anything you want here, I'll take any ideas on board. So,
are there any particular problems?
RN: Yeah, yeah, for sure. We are all disgusted with the plans to
downgrade the great clay court tournaments of the tour, and replace
them with meaningless hard court tune-ups, no? Isn't that right, boys?
RF: Yes, absolutely!
RF: It is an insult to the history and prestige of wonderful events
like Monte Carlo and Hamburg, which have been around for over a
hundred years, and seen many wonderful champions, like Borg, Wilander,
Lendl, Muster, Kuerten - and me, of course, no?
RF: I agree - a total insult!
IL: Yes, yes - but didn't Sampras win those as well?
RN: Er, no, no? He sucked big-time on clay. In fact he would have been
lucky to get five games off me, no? Even though he fluked one title in
Rome somehow, no?
IL: Ah, ok.
RN: Anyway, these proposals are unfair to a huge number of bumro--,
er, clay-court specialists, whose very living depends on these events,
and who will be forced to play in Mickey Mouse clay events on the
challenger circuit in order to feed their families, no?
RF: I agree! Totally unfair!
IL: Of course! Those poor unfortunates!
RN: So, we all want this idea to be scrapped immediately, no? There
are already far too many hard court events on the tour as it is, and
this will discriminate even more against clay-courters, no?
RF: Total discriminiation! Down with this proposal!
IL: Boo! Mr. DeVilliers, you should be ashamed of yourself!
EDV: Well, ok guys, now let's see ...
IL: Hey Roger, hang on a second here.
RF: Yeah, Ivan?
IL: If this proposal goes ahead, does this mean that we'll only have
to play Rome as a tune-up for the French then?
RF: Er, well, yes.
IL: So just to be clear - that means only one clay court tournament to
enter apart from Roland Garros?
RF: Yes, what's the problem?
IL: Well, er, I just remembered that I am shit on clay.
IL: I hate clay courts, and can't play on them.
RF: But you reached the semis of the French last year.
IL: Didn't you see my clown draw?
RF: Well, you're right there - Jeez, even Roddick might have made it
through those bunch on bozos on clay, ha ha!
IL: Hey, it wasn't quite that bad!
RF: No, you're right, actually.
IL: Clay is really hard to move on, isn't it?
RF: Well in your case it would be hard to tell ...
IL: Ha! But it means that big servers have no chance at all.
RF: Hmmm. Well, you need to have an all-round game then to compensate.
IL: Yeah, but it's all about endurance though. Clay doesn't reward
tennis skills - it's just about fitness and boring tennis.
RF: Well, if you come to the net, you can dominate even the best
IL: Why don't you try that then?
RF: Good one! Well, I suppose you are right in a way - it doesn't
really reward "wow" shots, does it?
IL: Absolutely. And of course it also means that in your case, there
is one player you can't beat, and it shows up weaknesses in your game,
like poor "clutch" play in tight five-setters.
RF: What? My game has no weaknesses ... well, maybe some slight ones on
clay. Hmmm. You know, I think you've hit on something here ...
IL: Yeah! Actually, the fewer clay events the better!
RF: I agree - I wouldn't have to worry about a shit head-to-head
record against Raf, as I'd never have to play him on clay any more!
IL: Great! We should have more grass court and lightning-quick carpet
RF: Yes - blast the boring bumrooters off the court, just like they
did in the 1990s!
IL: Death to clay court tennis!
RF: Destroy Roland Garros - what a shithole!
RN: Hey guys, what the hell are you doing? What happened to us all
sticking together to save the great events of the clay court season?
RF: Oh fuck off - who gives a shit about them anyway?
IL: Sorry Raf, but anything which means that Tommy Robredo can't make
it into the top ten has got to be a good idea!
RN: But you can't just abandon clay court tennis! Even Carlos Moya
would be forced to retire.
IL: I though he had already, what a bore!
RF: Ok, so let's change the proposal - remove all clay events from the
tour and replace them with grass court tournaments.
RN: Ha ha - not even Mr. DeVilliers here is stupid enough to agree to
EDV: Well, actually, now that you come to mention it - that sounds
like a pretty good scheme to me!
RF: Great! When can you put the plan into operation?
EDV: Next year, no problem. Quite frankly, these guys in Rome and
Paris can count themselves lucky that they will be allowed to run
these godawful events this year. Fucking tedious if you ask me.
RN: But you can't do this, no!
EDV: Hey, of course I can. All I need is the backing of the world
number one, as his opinion carries the most weight in the game.
RF: Heh heh - tough luck, bumrooter boy! I've got the top spot sewn up
for ages yet!
RN: This is ridiculous!
RF: Yada yada. OK, looks like we've got this sorted out, yeah?
EDV: Sure thing - well thanks for showing up, folks!
IL: Great stuff - good bye to clay forever!
RF: You know, I can't even be bothered to play the rest of the clay
season - hey Ivan, fancy a hit on grass?
IL: You got it! Let's go to Wimbledon now and spend two months
preparing for the greatest tournament in the world!
RF: Can't wait - might even try some serve and volleying, eh? See you
at the big W, Raffo!
RN: Fuck off, no?